How To Get Your Ex Back- The Right Way!

Craig (00:00):

Today we're going to be talking about, get your ex back the right way. You know, Margaret, I have realized that we get a lot of newcomers coming to the channel all the time. People that are recently getting into a breakup and they start to search things like, how do I get my ex back? How do I get my ex back in the right way? What's the right way to get my ex back. So I thought it would be helpful to do a video for people that are, might be new to our channel. So if you're new to our channel, you know, this is some of the basic stuff that we help you guys understand about our breakup. Margaret and I have been in the field for many, many years.

Margaret (01:27):

We should add up the number of years sometime between us

Craig (01:30):

Margaret, how long have you been a social worker? 

Margaret (01:35):

40 years, right. 40 years. Yeah.

Craig (01:37):

And I have been a therapist for about 20 years. Yeah.

Margaret (01:40):

So we can edit up to 60. Yeah, yeah. We should, we should know something.

Craig (01:45):

I do know a couple of things. And so, you know, we talk about that because many of you don't know what our background is. I'm a mental health counselor. She is a licensed social worker and we've known each other for probably about 20 years

Margaret (01:59):

I think so.

Craig (02:02):

We worked together in agencies locally together, and then we started this together. I told her she was behind the scenes of when I started the channel all those years ago. And now we have coach Victoria on board. Who's been learning with us and she will eventually do coaching. She will. And she'll be wonderful.

Craig (02:20):

So we want to talk about getting your ex back the right way, because there's a lot of bad information on the internet and we know when you're going through a breakup, you can get very desperate. Yup. Okay. People will do things like love spells.

Margaret (02:41):

Right. We have heard that. Right.

Craig (02:44):

You know, they get so desperate that they will buy a love, spell thinking that's going to help get your ex back.

Margaret (02:51):

When you're desperate though, you'll try anything. It's understandable. It's tunnel vision, right? Yeah. It's tunnel vision. When you're, when you're desperate and feel up against it, your, your view of the world narrows down to just one thing. It's tunnel vision, right?

Craig (03:05):

Yeah. Yeah. And it's, you know, I think very tied to a depression that you get in that state. And so you may find yourself, you know, looking for magic beans to get your ex back essentially, but that's really not the way you want to go about this. So we're going to talk about some of these major points today. And the first one is don't try to manipulate your ex and stop trying to force your own agenda.

Margaret (03:34):

And that happens very often, very soon. Very quickly. Yeah.

Craig (03:39):

Yes. A lot of the other information out there about breakups is centered around manipulating your ex with some BS magical text that gets your ex back or a handwritten letter or grand gesture. And in my experience, it very, very rarely works. Right. I mean, if, if something like that happens to work, I think it was only because your ex was really reconsidering it anyway. Right. Right.

Margaret (04:11):

There is no magic formula. And I think sometimes when people call us, they hope we have one, but we don't, it's not magic.

Craig (04:19):

Yeah. I mean, a lot of the stuff that we're teaching you and the psychology and the understanding of mental health that's directly related to attachment and relationships working is absolutely the real stuff of how to make a relationship work and how to really repair things with your ex so you can have a real shot at repairing it and having a healthy relationship again. But you know, there's a lot of stuff out there about manipulation and using guilt pressuring your ex is a big one trying to get other family members involved or friends involved. I was guilty of that. Right. You try always backfire. It makes it worse. Yeah.

Margaret (05:07):

Always backfires. And there's always somebody who's willing to get in the middle and give everybody advice.

Craig (05:14):

I can tell you what I did. It, it backfired for me. It often just pisses your ex off. Yes. Right. It makes him really angry at you begging whether you may realize it or not is just a form of manipulation.

Margaret (05:27):

Yes. It is. It's a different form. How pathetic do I have to look, right?

Craig (05:31):

Or that you think that if you beg for that extra chance, I mean, I've heard very, very few cases over the years of begging actually working. It often turns your partner off. So these are all manipulation strategies that you want to get away from. Guilt pressure, getting other people involved trying to beg and just simply ignoring needs of your partner and what they're trying to tell you. Right. Right. That's huge. So you gotta be careful of doing those things. Of course. Some of that is to be expected in the beginning, especially the begging and trying to talk person out of it

Margaret (06:11):

Well you're shocked. Right? Yeah.

Craig (06:14):

Yeah. That's absolutely it right there is when you're shocked. So it's okay to do some of that in the beginning, but you, and don't beat yourself up if he did, because most people do those things. I was guilty of some of those things you know, I tried to grand gesture

Margaret (06:30):

And lots of people who call us say, I already tried all the things you guys said not to do. Did they work? No.

Craig (06:40):

So you know, what you really want to do is give that person space and freedom to make their own decision, which is very, very difficult, which comes along with the second major point. I want to say here is let them reach out to you, right? The way that I have explained no contact and the way that I teach it is simply not to reach out to your ex. Some people have some convoluted strategies or situations where you should ignore them. If they reach out to you or play games with them. I don't believe in that. I don't think you're going to have something healthy again, if you're playing those kinds of games.

Margaret (07:19):

Games are not healthy games or manipulations.

Craig (07:22):

So, you know, your ex made the decision to get in the relationship with you. And if they decide that they want to get out, you want to respect that decision as painful as it may be, but you want them to have that space and time to feel your absence.

Margaret (07:41):

And you're being respectful by giving them what they asked for.

Craig (07:45):

But believe it or not, you want to give your ex the space to miss you. Right. you know, a lot of times people will continually reach out to their ex or maybe they'll try 30 days at a time. Right, I'll leave him alone for 30 days and reach out well, they ignored it. So I'll try in another 30 days or you know, using the good reminder text. That's another form of manipulation.

Margaret (08:13):

Good reminder texts reminding us what a good time we had at the beach that day. Yeah.

Craig (08:17):

I just drove by the beach that we went. Do you remember when the bird pooped on your head, you know, some silly reminder of what happened and it sounds like a nice idea. I understand when you're going through a breakup, it's like, that sounds like a good idea, that does some provoking, and then you should hear all the people that are like, I tried it. What happened? Usually the response didn't work. Nothing. They didn't respond.

Margaret (08:44):

Let me just say another word about manipulation. One of the reasons why manipulation is a wrong thing is that by definition, manipulation means you're trying to get somebody to something without directly asking them to do what you want or to even tell them what you want. Okay. It's dishonest. That's the problem. Yeah.

Craig (09:05):

And many of you probably grew up in a home where your mother used a lot of guilt or your dad. Yeah. But I could say I grew up in a home where my mom used guilt, you know, the Italian guilt.

Craig (09:21):

They're famous for that. Yup. And so you may unconsciously be doing the same thing that's been done to you your entire life and you don't even realize why it's such a turnoff.

Margaret (09:31):

Again, just let me come at one more time. You lived with the Italian guilt. I lived with the Irish martyrdom. God knows I'll be okay. Don't worry about me. Yeah.

Craig (09:42):

And so when you're reaching out, trying these strategies, like a good reminder text or a handwritten letter, it just allows your ex to know that you're still wanting them. And it doesn't really get them to grieve the loss of you. Right. Because how can they grieve your loss if they don't feel the loss?

Margaret (10:03):

That's right. And if they're talking to three of your relatives and two of your friends, they can find out how you're doing anytime. Not helpful.

Craig (10:11):

So when you're reaching out, it also takes away the curiosity of what you've been doing, or if you've moved on, which people really want to know.

Margaret (10:21):

No, that's the first thing people want to know. It's been two weeks. Do you think he or she has moved on?

Craig (10:27):

And so if your ex sees that you're continually reaching out, they're not going to wonder if you've moved on. Right, right. It takes away that mystery for them. Yes. Okay. Another big issue, another big way to make sure that you're going to get your ex back the right way is to fix your own issues. Right? We all have our own issues. We all have things in our childhood that were traumatizing or difficult. And we have these blind spots within us that we don't see things about ourselves. And many of you, when you come to the channel, you see that what we're all about is healthy relationships, learning skills, being the best version of yourself. So you either have an opportunity to blow your ex away, or you're doing great in your new relationships. And that way it's a win-win and you're not so focused on, you know, just your ex. Then I get success stories almost every day about, well, maybe I didn't get my ex back, but I found this new person and they made me really happy. And thank you for all the growth and all this, you know,

Margaret (11:35):

Those are, those are wonderful to hear. Yeah.

Craig (11:37):

They're just as good as getting your ex back. I know it doesn't feel like that now. Not at the beginning. And I totally understand because I've been there, but believe me, if you find somebody new, that's amazing for you and you look at your ex, like, why was I tolerating things? Or, you know, that relationship was toxic or maybe it was even abusive. You're going to be so happy with the people that you come across that are healthier for you. Yes. So working through your own issues, you know, we have hundreds of videos on understanding, attachment styles, mental health, the workbooks are all centered around it. The course is centered around it. We're all about bettering your life after a breakup. Right? Right. Another big area and the, the last one we wanted to touch on today is that you have to realize that there are areas that you can improve. And oftentimes you're, so shell shocked that your ex left you, that you can't even realize that you can't think about what did I do wrong? Like, or what's, what did I do in this relationship that may have ultimately led to, you know, the connection being hurt or trust being hurt or the other issues that have come up. But now you have an opportunity to reprioritize yourself. And I think that when you're going through a breakup, it really gets you to reevaluate. What's important to you and prioritze.

Margaret (13:09):

Absolutely. And that's a healthy thing to do.

Craig (13:12):

I mean, you, you talked to somebody today that I did a coaching with a few weeks ago that realized they were addicted to video games. Yes

Margaret (13:19):

He did. And to his credit, he's working about as hard as anybody could. Absolutely. Yeah.

Craig (13:25):

Yeah. But when you're in that mode, you don't realize he, I mean, he was addicted to video games for years. Yes.

Margaret (13:31):

And when it looks like everything is okay, and your partner is still there, you don't think about it.

Craig (13:36):

Yeah. But when you have some time to realize, Oh my gosh, the last three girlfriends I've had have said, I don't listen. What's going on with me. I haven't been listening to my partner. And then you realize I've got to fix this. How are you going to do it? What are you going to do differently? You've got to really reflect on that and improve in those areas. You know? Maybe you could look at ways you could be more social in your life. Maybe you've only spent your time with that one person and neglected your friends or family or other areas of your life.

Margaret (14:14):

Absolutely. Maybe it's the other way around, continue with your friends and kind of neglected your partner. All possibilities can happen.

Craig (14:21):

Another big thing that you could look at is what am I doing that I'm satisfied with my life, take an inventory. Where am I satisfied in my life? Where am I not satisfied in my life?

Margaret (14:34):

Well, and don't just beat yourself up, look for what's going right and what your strengths are. And then you can decide what changes you may like to make. That's a good point to reevaluate what you want and your values and so forth and so on.

Craig (14:48):

Yeah. You might want to use this as a time to take some risks and use those opportunities to grow and learn new things that may be you haven't been willing to do before. You know, a lot of times people take a look at things in a, like, you know, I've thought about going back to school for years. Right. I wasn't motivated enough to do it. Now. I'm getting in school, I'm focused on a career or a business or something like that. But you know, it's understandable that you probably aren't going to feel very motivated, especially in the beads,

Margaret (15:21):

Not in the beginning, because it's going to take all your energy to try and deal with this shock to your system. Yep. Yep.

Craig (15:26):

But even if you can do something small, it could be meaningful.

Margaret (15:30):

Absolutely. And it can encourage you to move further

Craig (15:33):

A new hobby or just trying something new. I remember that when the Applebee's girl broke up with me, I wanted to learn a couple of dishes and learning how to cook a few different meals. And so I had my mom teach me to cook some meals that I didn't know how to do. And that made me feel good. I mean, it was not a huge thing, but I still remember what those two meals were off the top of my head, the two main ones that I asked her to help me with. Different routines can be helpful. Maybe you realize, you know, you stay up too late on the phone and you don't have a good, healthy sleep routine or exercise or eating routine. All of those are little things that can make you feel better and focus on becoming a healthier version of yourself. So when your ex either comes back or you start dating other people, you're going to look a lot more attractive.

Margaret (16:27):

Absolutely. Right. And don't forget to be nice to yourself. We're so well, programmed to beat ourselves up and people tell us, they go over every phrase, every word they ever said, wondering, which was the one that put their partner off. And it's probably not just one phrase at all, but find your strengths too.

Craig (16:47):

Yep. Absolutely. Because when you start doing these things, people are going to notice. Your friends are going to notice, your family is going to notice. They're going to be happy with seeing you do something positive because I really think there's nothing more motivating than a breakup. Right. And I know it's been, you know, the times in my life where I was absolutely laser-focused on the personal growth and bettering myself and so use this as an opportunity because I promise you very few of your exes will do as much work as the dumpee is. Right. Right. The dumper is very rarely motivated like the dumpee is right.

Margaret (17:31):

As they've been in control and the dumpee hasn't been, and the dumpee is going to say, I don't want this to ever happen to me or anybody else again. Yeah.

Craig (17:38):

Yeah. So use that to your advantage, knowing that whatever's going on in your ex's life, the motivation that you do, if you're really consistently making an effort, even if it's just a little bit every day, it's probably going to be far more than they do a couple months down the road, three months down the road, six months down the road, whatever it is, you know? Absolutely. Because exes do come back all the time and you know, sometimes even after years. Absolutely.

Margaret (18:09):

And I'll hear, I haven't heard from them for three weeks. I know it's over. Oh, it could be three months, three years. Absolutely.

Craig (18:16):

In fact, I heard from somebody recently that I hadn't heard from him in about two and a half years. So, and it was interesting Margaret and I talked about it and you know, there was probably more to it than what was on the surface, but it shows you that people come back all the time, just stay focused on yourself and being the best version of yourself and it's a, win-win either way. And those are some strategies to make sure you're going to get your ex back the right way. And of course, we're here for coaching. And if you want to get our help, personally, all you have to do is go to my website, AskCraig.net, sign up for the option that you prefer.

Is My Ex Playing Mind Games?

Craig (00:00):

Today we're going to be talking about, is my ex playing mind games. Interesting. We're going to get into this today because a lot of times when we're going through a breakup, we could feel like our ex is playing games with us. You know, sometimes they are, but sometimes they're just going through their own issues. And so we could get desperate and want a definitive answer from them and get frustrated that they're not giving one. And a lot of times your family can pressure you and say things, all your ex is doing this, then that, and start making your ex look really bad when maybe your ex is really just genuinely confused and doesn't think the situation can improve, but they also care about you. So we're going to kind of look at that and explore some of the details or the minor details to figure out am I being played here? Cause you're probably wondering if you're watching this video "Am I being played?" "Is my ex playing mind games with me?" So we're going to talk about this today.

Victoria (01:48):

Exactly. So with mind games, there can be many ways to perceive this. And one of these ways is mixed messages like Craig was talking about. So this could be showing interest on one hand, and then on the other hand, retreating, they might be enthusiastic about meeting up with you and then suddenly cancel without any type of rain check. Yep. That's a big one. Yep. So this situation can be very confusing, especially if that other person is not making that solid decision and it can leave you kind of in a whirlwind of what do I do next? Are they just toying with me? Do they really mean what they're saying? Or are they just messing with me or trying to get a reaction out of me?

Craig (02:31):

Yeah. And it's so tough to tell when you're emotional yourself and you're really anxious and you're depressed and you're beating yourself up. It's really hard to think clearly, you know? So I could totally see why you would feel like, you know, you might be being played. You know what I mean? Nobody wants to feel like they're being deceived. And when you're getting those mixed messages, it feels like they're intentionally deceiving you, but it can just be that they're really unsure and ambivalent themselves. And so, you know, they could maybe think, well, getting together would be a good idea, but then they, and they redo it and then they think about it. And then they're like, no, I don't think this is going to be a good idea. And then all of a sudden they change their mind and get cold on you again. Whereas they really meant that they thought it would be a good idea when they said it and over time, whatever happened, they decided, no, I don't think this is good. You know what I mean? So it could just be reflective of their own internal struggle and how uncertain and indecisive they are themselves.

Victoria (03:44):

Right? So just because your ex is giving you mixed messages, doesn't necessarily mean that it's out of malice or an intention to hurt you. So another way that you might be perceiving your ex to be playing mind games is by testing you so many people who haven't gotten their needs met in childhood, or didn't get the love that they deserved when they were little, they might feel the tendency to test you to see if that love is there. And if that love is unconditional.

Craig (04:11):

Yeah. Cause they didn't feel cared about as a kid. So now they unconsciously believe that people don't care about them. So they want to test you to see if you care about them. And this doesn't just go for a breakup. This people do this in the relationship. And I think that a lot of the fake breakups that you hear about it's really about somebody wants to see if you really care about them.

Victoria (04:35):

That's a great point. Yeah. And this can be manifested by threatening to break up. This could be manifested by instigating jealousy to hanging out with people who were problematic in the relationship. So these are all ways that an ex might try to provoke you to get that reassurance and get their needs met.

Craig (04:54):

Yeah. And if it's really toxic, you can see like a lot of people bringing that triangle in there of a third person and they go back and forth between the people to make you jealous over that other person. And then they get close to the other person and make you jealous that they get close to you to make the other person jealous. So it can get really extreme with, you know, people that have like personality disorders and really serious mental health issues. Narcissists will do stuff like this.

Victoria (05:25):

Yeah. These are all things to look out for and be aware of to protect yourself. And this is not the mature way to go about this. There are clear ways to be open about your needs and wants in a relationship. But of course, this is all more difficult if you have an insecure attachment style.

Craig (05:42):

Yeah. Healthy people don't tend to play mind games. And so if you know that your partner was really secure and they communicate well and they're trustworthy and they're honest and they're transparent. They're not to play these kinds of games, but the more that they are afraid to be close to people, to trust people you know, that they had a hard time in their childhood with their parents. They're going to be more likely to play manipulative games with you.

Victoria (06:15):

Right. And it could also depend on the messages that you heard when you were young. Some people have outrageous expectations of relationships that aren't realistic. So they might impose those expectations on you. And you might feel like that's a game or they're trying to incite a reaction out of you. So just be aware of those things and try to take everything into context of what you know about them, what you know about their life, their history, and what your relationship was like

Craig (06:41):

And consider, did I see them play games with other people? Did you see them play mind games to other people? Because if you know that they do that, then you know that they're more capable of doing it to you, right? So you want to look at how they treat other people because that could give you some insight.

Victoria (06:58):

Exactly. And another thing that you might be interpreting as playing games is if you're currently in no contact and you're not hearing from your ex. So you may be wondering if your ex is silence in itself is a game. So you also have to think to yourself, if your ex is not contacting you or stubborn enough to not contact you, then they're not ready for that relationship to start up again. Their heart needs to be softened to the point where they are open and willing to talk with you and be mature about things and have that conversation with you about reuniting and about starting a new relationship with you. And if your ex is acting in these ways, you have to make a decision for yourself if this is the type of person in the state that they're in currently, that you want to be with right now.

Craig (07:51):

Yeah. That's a big point because you know, when you're going through a breakup, both people are emotional. They're confused, they're upset, they're angry, they're hurt and we're not in the best state. And when you've had a tough life or, you know, you didn't get a lot of love in your childhood or, you know, your parents were alcoholics or they worked all the time. Whatever the reasons were, we're particularly sensitive. And oftentimes don't know how to sooth our anxiety and have emotional self control. So we lash out when we're hurt and we're angry and, you know, chances are, you said something that hurt them and they said things to hurt you. And so, you know, it's just not a good place to try and repair things when things are so emotional and upset. And you know, trying to determine if your ex is playing a game in no contact can be difficult because you, you know, you're sitting there thinking it's like, are they still playing with me? It's almost like you're playing hide and go seek. And you're hiding. And you don't know if somebody is trying to find you. Yeah, exactly. You're like, am I playing? Are you still looking for me? Or you, you know what I mean? Do you ever play as a kid? And they take so long to find her, you think things like people used to do that the kids needs to be mean to the other kids and you're hiding.

Victoria (09:20):

Yeah. But it's true. This whole concept of playing games is really complex. And your ex might not even know that they are playing games or that they are messing with your mind. They might not know how it is affecting you. Yeah. And it doesn't always mean that they're being cynical or intentional by harming you or messing with you or making you feel confused. But it doesn't mean that you have to tolerate it or that it's okay. So you determine your own boundaries and what your breaking point is for when you say enough is enough.

Craig (09:52):

Yeah. As much as you may love somebody, you have to love yourself more. And that's so hard for so many of us to do. It is not an easy concept to really love yourself more. But you know, when you get to a place where you value yourself and say, you know what, I love this person, but I cannot allow them to continue to mistreat me. Now nobody's going to be perfect. Right. But if it gets to a place where it's toxic or abusive, and they're really hurting you, and the relationship is unstable, like, you know, at that point, you have to say, I can't continue like this and get yourself into therapy, work through your own issues. The workbooks will help you with that. The creative healing course will help you with that. Coachings will help you with that, talking about it. That's what we're here for, to help you do. But you know, we understand that many of you will have ex's that are kind of playing games. And you know, when you're in that position of feeling like somebody is trying to deceive you, nobody wants to feel like a fool. Right? And that, that is like, you know, not a healthy situation to be in where you feel like you're being violated that much, that someone will continually betray you like that.

Victoria (11:10):

You deserve to be happy too. And you deserve to have your boundaries respected. So the more you learn about yourself, the more you'll be able to determine what it is that you'll handle, what it is that you can't handle and where you draw the line.

Craig (11:25):

Yeah. And I think if people look at somebody's actions and their words, they'll see a big difference if they're really playing games or if they're just confused and they're struggling with things themselves. Cause I think a lot of people are unsure that part of them wants to be with you. Part of them wants to break up and they're going back and forth between it. I think that's a normal thing to go through and we, that they should know one way or the other, because you are maybe certain about, I know I want to fix this. You want them to be sure, but they're not. They're probably in the state of, you know, sometimes I think it could work out, but because of the way it's been, it wasn't working and I don't feel like it's going to change.

Victoria (12:12):

Right. And if they could say that to you just like that, and I'm sure that would clear up a lot, but you also have the right to, to ask them and be clear with them and direct with them. So the more straightforward that you can be as well and setting your boundaries, then the more that they're going to respect you. And the more that you can outline what it is that you want for your relationship.

Craig (12:32):

Yeah. Obviously we're dealing with some confusing stuff and when you're emotional, it can be even harder to understand what's going on. So, you know, take it slow, pay attention and see how things play out with time. Right? Of course, if you want to get our help personally, just go to my website askcraig.net, sign up for the coaching option that works best for you.

Will My Ex Think About Me On Valentine's Day?

Craig (00:00):

Today. We're going to be talking about, will my ex think about me on Valentine's day? Well, if you're going through a breakup, that's a particularly difficult day. Yeah. And you are pretty much obsessing about your ex that day. Unot necessarily where they're at or what they're doing, but you just keep thinking about them. It's going to be everywhere because love is going to be everywhere on TV.

Margaret (01:08):

Absolutely. You cannot get away from social

Craig (01:10):

Media. You see what friends are doing? You hear what friends are doing and it just makes you feel awful. Yeah. So you're thinking about them nonstop, right? And so you're like, are they even thinking about me?

Margaret (01:24):

Or have they just moved on?

Craig (01:27):

To me? I think how could they not think about you? Right. That's right. How could they not think about you when, even if they're not wanting to be with you, even if they don't want a relationship right now, how could they not think about the person that they've spent, you know, probably last Valentine's day with, for many of you and how would they not be able to think about what you did last Valentine's day? I think that's a big thing.

Margaret (01:57):

Absolutely. You're going to remember what you did last year. Yeah. Or at any happy Valentine's days of the past. Of course.

Craig (02:06):

You know, when a holiday comes up, I think we often are reminded of the last one, you know, last Christmas last, last birthday. Yeah. And so I think it's normal. And how could they, you just can't put a push that out of your unconscious.

Margaret (02:21):

No, it is impossible to move on and never think back.

Craig (02:26):

Yeah. And even though you feel like they're not wondering how you're doing, maybe they've said we're never going to date again. I don't care about you anymore. Even if they're dating somebody new, it doesn't mean that they're not going to think about you. It's just the way we're wired.

Margaret (02:42):

Right. It's the way we're wired,

Craig (02:43):

The attachment that we have to other people is just so overwhelming. Those intrusive thoughts, they're going to experience it too. Right. so it doesn't necessarily mean that they're to want to get back with you, right? We're not saying that just because they're thinking about you, they're going to want to repair things or then they're going to come back. We can't say that, but we really feel like if you leave them alone, it's going to impact them and they have to sit with that. Right. And we say that all the time, because we just know how important it is that, you know, you may be tempted to reach out, but I think it's more powerful if you don't reach it.

Margaret (03:25):

That's right. And even if they broke up with you, I think you pointed out earlier today. Great. They're going to wonder why you didn't.

Craig (03:34):

Yeah. I mean, I think that it's more powerful for them to feel that loss that day. That's right. Don't you? Yeah. So when you're tempted to buy them a gift, reach out see how they're doing. Just know that they are thinking about you. And I think social media is, is changing that too. Like don't you think people are going to be looking at you on that day.

Victoria (03:59):

Yeah, definitely. And you have to remember that spending Valentine's day with your partner is a privilege. So once that relationship is over, you don't want to keep giving them that privilege, that you're always accessible to them, even on holidays and special days, like Valentine's day, you want to have them experience that loss. And of course, on social media, they're going to be scrolling, seeing what you're up to seeing what other people are up to. They're going to be exposed to the same amount of, let's say, love propaganda that you are. Exactly.

Craig (04:33):

Yeah. I, I think that it's just one of those things that they may not reach out or, and I don't think they will reach out for Valentine's day because it's overwhelming. Right. Right. Like, because it's like, if you reach out on Valentine's day, it's almost like saying, "I want to fix this". And I think that's going to be too big of a step for somebody

Margaret (04:54):

Don't do it.

Craig (04:55):

I think that, you know, you should just expect not to hear from them, but that not hearing from you will really hit their unconscious and be powerful to them. Right.

Victoria (05:08):

Because they probably expect to hear from you on that day, like you were saying Margaret. Right.

Margaret (05:12):

Yeah. And I have often said to people, remember who broke up with whom, right?

Craig (05:18):

Yeah. Because even if they don't want to hear from you, I think on some level they do want to hear it from you

Margaret (05:25):

Sure they do. Right. Or at least know that you still find them attractive and wonderful and all of those good things.

Craig (05:30):

They want them back. Yes. So, you know, I think it's safe to say that most of you will know in the back of your mind, your ex is gonna think about you. Of course, you know, some of you that may have been in like a situationship or something like that, maybe not. But even then I think you're going to at least come into their unconscious at some point during the day, because we cannot wait, wipe out close relationships. It's just so easy for a thought to pop up when you're not even thinking about it. Right.

Victoria (06:05):

And romance is not something that you share with everybody. It's something that you share with select people. It's rare. Yeah. So on a day, like Valentine's day where romantic feelings are at an all time high, of course, you know, romantic partners are going to come to their mind.

Craig (06:22):

Yeah. That chemistry that you had, that connection, that feeling of, you know, maybe how good the relationship was at its peak and how long, you know, all those things are going to come back to you. Right. So I think we all kind of agree that your ex will think about you at some point during the day and wonder what's going on with you, even if the relationship ended badly. Right. Absolutely. Yeah. So we just wanted to talk about that and reassure you that we know how awful it feels. We know you feel like they don't care about you. I've been there. Right. I've been in the situation completely convinced that that person wasn't thinking about me, but they often will admit later on, "I thought about you all the time". Right. How often do we hear that? Very often. Right. And, and you feel like there's no hope, but you don't know what they're doing behind closed doors.

Victoria (07:22):

Exactly. And it can be very hard to keep that emotional self control on a day, like Valentine's day, but just remember it's even more important on days, like Valentine's day to continue to no contact and to have that emotional self-control

Craig (07:36):

Control. Yeah. I think so. I think it's more powerful for your ex not to hear from you.

Margaret (07:40):

And to give your ex the benefit of getting in touch with all of their feelings.

Margaret (07:46):

But it's going to be an emotional day for them too. And of course, whether they show it or not, I don't think they would show it. They want to keep their guard up. But that doesn't mean behind closed doors, they're not feeling that loss right. Laying down at night, trying to fall asleep, thinking about it. Cause they know they made mistakes too. Sure. They know that they cause problems in that relationship to fail. Even if they're putting all the blame on you, they have to get to that point at some time. Right. So hopefully this makes you feel a little bit better about Valentine's day. And just knowing that there's a very good chance that they're thinking about you wondering how you are, wondering what's going on with you and that they're struggling with that day too. Right? Okay. Hopefully you found this video helpful. And of course, if you want to get our help personally, just go to my website, askcraig.net, sign up for the coaching option that works best for you.

My Ex Said I'll Always Love You

Craig (00:00):

Today we're going to be talking about I'll always love you. You know, Margaret, that is actually something that comes up quite often in breakups, where somebody will say to their partner, I'll always love you, I want the best for you, but they can't do the relationship anymore. Okay. Now, in many cases, it's because there was a situation that kept going on over and over again, and they got frustrated and fed up and they didn't want to deal with it anymore, but there are always very unique situations and breakups. And I say that all the time, every situation is different. Every breakup is different. And I thought this was a really interesting email coaching that I had today that I think you guys will like. This is from a woman in her mid forties, single mother, and a guy in his late thirties. Now he doesn't have any kids. She says we had a passionate, loving relationship for nine months. He was affectionate, always telling me how much he loved me. He's from a wealthy family. I won't say what his dad's career is, but it was a let's say a successful career who had a father who was egotistical and impossible to please. Eric would do anything to try and impress him. His mother left Eric when he was a small child, let's say around kindergarten age, he still won't speak to her. He stayed living with his dad and he had a privileged life, but not one full of love and warmth. It was materially privileged. Yeah. His ex-wife was a trust fund child and had no need to work. At first, he worked at a job. Let's say an average job. I'm not going to say the career. Um but his wife gave him an ultimatum of giving up work and traveling the world with her or she would divorce him.

Margaret (02:53):

I wish somebody give me that one.

Craig (02:58):

Sounds pretty terrible. Doesn't it? Yeah. Give up working and travel the world with me. I won't do it. I won't do it. I will do it. I will do it. Not during coronavirus though. No, I won't do it then. He gave up his job and traveled for years living off her family's fortune. He told me she was not a nice person and extremely controlling. After over 10 years of marriage, one day she disappeared.

Margaret (03:30):

Oh Lord, just like his mother.

Craig (03:33):

Then he got divorce papers delivered stating he would not receive any of the family's money. He was depressed for several years, not working or seeing anyone else until he met me. He got a job in sales and seemed happy and confident in his work and we had a great time in our relationship. COVID hit. Then he was placed on furlough. This is when things started going downhill for us. He has a sibling that had been running their father's business, but had gotten into a dispute with the dad over their pay and left suddenly. Eric stepped in as he currently wasn't working and ran the place far better than his sibling. His father was planning on retiring, but told Eric that if he wanted to continue, he could hire other people for the business by opening more businesses under their names like expanding , but dad would retire. Meanwhile, his sales job opened back up and offered him a position, a higher manager managerial position, which he turned down in favor of working for his father. Can you see the disaster coming? In the final month of our relationship, he was less affectionate and seemed off. Though he would say everything was great. When I asked about work, one night, we had an argument, nothing too serious. He apologized the next day. But then when silent for several days after that. You could already see working for the dad was going to be a nightmare. Right. Because of the way dad treats him. Something he would, would always do after disagreement, but would make up for it after a few days, meaning disappear.

Margaret (06:02):

Withdraw after a disagreement,

Craig (06:04):

When I hadn't heard from him for five days, I texted and asked him to meet me and talk. We met. I never seen him. So agitated. He admitted to me that things were terrible at work. His father was horrible to work for. Of course. Yeah. Which is why the sibling got out. Right. And he was turning into an alcoholic, the father. And I wonder if it was turning into or already was. Yeah. His sibling was now refusing to talk to either of them. And that his dad was now saying that he was just going to sell the business, leaving Eric high and dry again. But you could see the stress going on here.

Margaret (06:56):

What's he going to do with the money from the business?

Craig (06:58):

He doesn't say probably just take it and retire. But then it sounds like the sibling was wise to be autonomous.

Margaret (07:05):

Very smart sibling. Good boy.

Craig (07:07):

I think the sibling had had enough. He told me his life was a mess and that I was the only stable thing in it. He said he loved me several times and cried, ending things by saying he just can't be in a relationship with me right now. He needed to get his life together. It couldn't bear being judged, feeling like a failure.

Margaret (07:37):

So that is the least healthy thing he could have done. So first he goes back to dad, which was not a healthy idea. And now he's going to push away his only support.

Craig (07:48):

Yeah. It's very sad. Very. Let me go on. I told him that I would help him, but he said, I couldn't. After we parted that night, he sent a text, ,I attached below then said, no, that I love you always. That was six weeks ago. And that was the last I heard from him. Having found the no contact advice in time. I texted him three times since, or she said she didn't find no contact in time. I texted him three times since about two to three weeks apart, the first two times just saying that I was thinking of him just one sentence. And the third time, just three days ago saying I was going to respect his decision not to have me in his life anymore. He hasn't responded to any of them. Will he ever reach out to me again? He's ADHD and likely a fearful avoidant. Wow. This was such a sad situation.

Margaret (08:54):

It is a sad situation

Craig (08:56):

Because he didn't want to break up with her. At least from what I'm reading here, he did it because I think he was still trying to end that cycle of making his father feel disappointed with him.

Margaret (09:12):

Yeah, I think so too. But again, it's a failure of individuation. He wasn't able to say to "dad, you go take a walk down, whatever money street there. Isn't a city state street bank street". Unfortunately I agree with you. I don't think he wanted to break up either. And we see this sometimes that people think they have to break up due to circumstances and instead put themselves in a situation where they go through the circumstances without the supportive partner and it's painful to see.

Craig (09:43):

Yeah. And I think he's probably thinking about her all the time. And I think he's probably feeling like he doesn't want to give it another chance but he doesn't want to feel like a failure with her too. I think he's so overwhelmed with feeling like a failure to his father that he can't think about disappointing another person or not being there for another person while he's overwhelmed with this business situation. And stress

Margaret (10:09):

Must have quite the hold on him.

Craig (10:11):

I think so, too. And so it's particularly sad because I don't think he wanted this relationship to end. Yeah. And the, the hard part for her is where would we be a year from now or six months from now, if he hadn't gone to work for dad, would they still be together? Now? Maybe it would have led to a breakup because of other issues, but feeling like he was taken away because of dad is even more painful.

Margaret (10:38):

Right. I feel very bad for her. Yeah. I feel bad for both of them. He needs to do something.

Craig (10:45):

So she wants to know, will he ever reach out? And I think it's not a matter of does he want to reach out? I think he wants to reach out. I think it's a matter of how does he resolve things with his dad? Does he let dad continue to run his life and manipulate him?

Margaret (11:01):

And you could only hope that in a few months he will think about that when he has a chance to miss her.

Craig (11:09):

Yeah. Hopefully. Yeah. Hopefully he'll realize that what they had was nice and good and that, you know, there was a lot of potential there and you know, that he is able to muster up enough strength and anger towards dad to say, "you know what I love you. And if you let me run the business, my way I'll do that. But I can't do it like this and I'm not going to do it like this. So it's either, let me run it or you sell a business and I'll go find something to do."

Margaret (11:38):

That's right. That's right. But he had to make another shot. He had to take another shot at pleasing dad, which it sounds like to me is totally impossible to do anyway.

Craig (11:50):

Yeah. Oh, of course. I think dad will never be happy no matter what he does or any of his children. And I think the sibling finally figured that out and said, I'm outta here. If the sibling is able to individually, hopefully Eric will be able to do that.

Margaret (12:03):

So I wonder if the sibling is older or younger,

Craig (12:07):

You know, and that I don't remember. But I'm just thinking he might have gotten more of mom. Yeah. That's a good question. I don't remember if he said that. Sorry, but you know, he probably thought that the sibling wasn't doing a good job, dad was probably painting the picture of the sibling, not doing a good job when the sibling was probably working their butt off to try and please dad, and you know, dad, wasn't happy. So Eric is thinking, Hey, my sibling can't do this. They can't, they're doing a terrible job. I could do a better job. And maybe they, he did, maybe Eric did. But I think that dad has him kind of brainwashed that the sibling was probably doing their best to try and please that he played them off against each other, all their lives. Yeah. So this is a particularly sad situation. I think if he can, individually, you will definitely hear from him again. It's just a matter of, can he stand up to dad or how it resolved with that and not regarding, it's not regarding how we felt about you, at least from what I'm reading don't know.

Margaret (13:16):

And she's probably thinking she did this wrong or she did that. Right. I don't think she did it all. Yeah. I think this was circumstance. So let's see what happens with time alone and let him do his process and feel his feelings.

Craig (13:29):

That's right. Tough situation, sad situation. Of course, if you want to get our help personally, just go to my website askcraig.net, sign up for the coaching option that works best for you.

 

What NOT To Do When Meeting Your Ex (4 HUGE Mistakes)

In this video, I'm going to be talking to about what not to do around your ex. You know, after somebody's broken up with us and we're just overwhelmed by emotions, we start acting irrationally. We start doing a lot of things that maybe we're embarrassed of or ashamed of later, and we kind of lose our emotional balance. And so we become so focused and obsessed on trying to get them back that we don't think clearly, we get like tunnel vision. And it's important to understand that how you behave is going to make a major impact on whether or not your ex will revisit the idea of getting back with you. A lot of times, we get so overwhelmed with emotions. When we get in front of our ex that we lose our balance again, we go back into our old mindset of the breakup, and it's important that you have to try and start fresh. You don't want to try and be in that dynamic of that person has all the power and you feel powerless, but that's often how we feel is we feel stuck in where we were when they made the decision, because in a lot of cases, time has passed the balance. Isn't as shifted as you thought it was, especially if they're agreeing to meet with you or they're wanting to meet with you in person, it's not as unbalanced where they were cutting you out of their life totally. Or they were so set in their decision. At least it's less likely to be that way because they're agreeing to meet up with you. So I've got four really important tips for you guys on how to act around your ex, because it's really, really important. You don't make these mistakes. The first thing you want to make sure you don't do is come on too strong.

Craig (02:38):

Okay? A lot of times you're trying to desperately get an answer from them on what they want and why they're meeting up with you. And if they're gonna give you another shot, right? You're so obsessed with, are they going to give us another shot? Are they gonna give me another chance that you will come on strong? Obviously your ex is meeting up with you so they have some kind of agenda. There's a reason they're meeting up with you, right. Something inside of them is making them say, okay, I want to see you. I want to get together whether or not it's they want to get you back or they want to talk about, about things or maybe they want to get with you just for closure. Sometimes an ex will miss you for a certain amount of time. And they'll think about you and they'll think about getting back with you, but they're like, you know, I don't think it's going to work and they'll actually kind of in their own mind, meet up with you for closure. And so if they're in that mindset of I'm going there, just to make sure I'm done with this and I'm over it, and you start to behave in an attractive way, that idea of closure can be thrown out the window. And there'll be like, wow, I really had a good time. And they really did make all these changes. I didn't think I would want to, but I actually am open to another shot at this. And that actually happens a lot. So even if you think that they're there for closure, stay calm. If you behave in a way where you do, they might change their mind. Okay. This next one I really like too don't make a big deal about the breakup.

Craig (04:20):

And there's a really funny story that I like. I love from Larry, David, I don't know if you know who Larry David is. He's one of my favorite comedian slash writers. He wrote the Seinfeld show and curb your enthusiasm. And I find him absolutely hysterical. And there's a great story about him that he shares where when he was working on Saturday night, live as a writer many, many years ago in the seventies, way before he was famous he helped on the show trying to get sketches on the air. Well, one night he didn't stay for the read through and the boss kind of saw him. The producer was like, where are you going? And he's like, well, I'm going home. I wrote a couple sketches. I wrote a couple of ideas, gotta get outta here. Like we always stay all night for the readthrough. And he's like, well, why, why would you do that? That's stupid. We've had weeks to work on this. Why would you stay an extra eight to 10 hours? I want to go home. So he goes home. Well, after that point, he rounds up not getting any of his sketches or ideas on the air. They probably are upset at him for what happened. So he had written a bunch of great sketches that he really liked. And he said they were working and it looked like they were good on the air, but they all got canceled. And so finally he has it and he gets so annoyed. He screams at the producer, that's it, I'm done. This show stinks. I've had it. And he's just start yelling at the guy. He just blows up and he goes, I quit. You're never going to see me again.

Craig (05:59):

So he starts walking home and he's all upset and he's angry. And then he thinks to himself, wait you know, this is going to cost me a lot of money. I had enough money from this job to pay for my bills for the next two years. What am I doing? I don't know what's going on. I don't know if I should have done this. So he goes home and his neighbor's like, what are you doing here? You're here early. And his neighbor was actually Kenny Kramer, the guy that the Kramer character was based on. So he tells him what happened and how he had quit his job. And he blew up and screamed at him and everything else. And his buddy Kramer looks at him and goes, well, why don't you just go back there on Monday and pretend that it never happened. So that's what he did a Monday.

Craig (06:50):

He goes in, he's in front of everybody. He sits at the table meeting. Everybody's looking at him like, what are you doing here? You blew up, you quit. And he's just acting like it never happened. And the producer looks at him and asked him what his sketch ideas are. And he tells him, and he didn't wind up getting fired, even though he technically quit. But my point of this story is, is that when you're in front of your ex, try not to make a big deal of it. Like, you know, he did, he like, it didn't really happen. So you kind of want to act like the breakup didn't really happen. One of my mistakes with the Applebee's girls was I kept talking about my feelings, how much she had hurt me, how badly I missed her daughter. And I kept kind of emphasizing it instead of focusing on, Hey, just having a great time with them again.

Craig (07:40):

So try not to make a big deal about the breakup. Can't act like it didn't happen altogether, but if it comes up, you talk about it. Right? Okay. Third one. Don't assume you have to get them back in that first meeting. Okay. This is a big mistake. It's not now or never. It feels like it's now or never. Like if I don't nail this down, if I don't talk about it, if I don't know where they're at or what we're doing here in that initial meetup, it feels like you're going to be scared and anxious and confused, and you're going to lose them. That's not the case. Okay. I had that fearful mindset back in the day, but you don't need to be that afraid that if you don't get them back after that meetup, that it won't happen. Your goal, your focus is leaving a great impression and showing them how different you are and the dynamic is not the, they have all the power and they broke up with you that you had just when the breakup happened. Okay. One more. And I want to share this as another one that I saw that was really unfortunate. I've seen quite a few times, getting too comfortable too soon. Okay. So I have had several clients that actually got back with their ex, but they went back to their old ways really quickly and it blew their shot. Okay. So you're going to find that if you're not vigilant with yourself, you're going to go back to your insecure ways. As soon as you get comfortable again, okay. You got to look at it like you're on probation. Tell yourself that if I get my ex, I'm going to continue to work as hard as you are right now for nine months, say nine months. Because if you do, and you really stick to that, you will make really long lasting changes. Okay? But if you give up right, when you get them back, I just hear it all the time. A month, two months after you get them back, you're going to go back to those old ways. I had one guy who had been in no contact for like a year, and this guy did tremendous amounts of work. He'd done a lot of work. He'd done the workbooks he'd been working really hard, totally changed himself. Well, first couple of times, he went out with her. Things were great. They had even hooked up. He was really happy. Third date. He made a big mistake that was one of her major complaints in the relationship.

Craig (10:25):

He did it on the third date and that was it. She was done. And she wound up never coming back and giving them another shot after that. She was so fed up and it was crazy because honestly the mistake wasn't that big, but in his situation, because it was something that had to upset her about their dynamic, she was like, you see, it is the same way that it's going to be. And then she started dating somebody else. Actually. Now that I think about it after that third date, so you don't want to get comfortable too soon and go back to your old ways. Otherwise you're going to be in for another breakup. Okay. So hopefully you found these tips helpful. And if they, if you did make sure you put a like on the video for me to support the channel.