Big Mistakes NOT To Make In No Contact

Craig (00:00):

Today we're going to be talking about five ways to destroy your chances of getting your ex back while you're in no contact. You know, a lot of people think, how can I destroy my chances in no contact. Right. And you would think, yes, it would be pretty simple. It's not as simple as it sounds many people really struggle with no contact and leaving their ex alone because they're having such a hard time, which I completely understand. And, you know, coach Victoria, you've gone through breakups before I was thinking about this. I think I've seen you go through three breakups in all the years that I've known you and, you know, especially the ones from several years ago, you really struggled with that feeling, right? We were talking about that feeling.

Victoria (01:29):

Yeah. It's just a feeling of wanting to connect and your brain just says, get back with this person, get back with this person. You're remembering reminiscing on all the great, good times that you had together and that's all you can obsess about until you get that.

Craig (01:44):

There was one, several years ago that I was actually on the phone with you as you are on your way to your ex's house. And I was pleading you not to go with you not to go when her phone went out, cause she was in the train. Right. And do you remember that feeling? I remember how panic to where your way there.

Victoria (02:02):

It was, I was very nervous because you don't know when you're about to do a grand gesture or anything like this in your head. You have it planned out for it to work. So on the ride there ,on the train ride there, Craig is on the phone and he's like, don't do it. And meanwhile, I'm passing through tunnels. It's like,

Craig (02:21):

You're getting like every 10th word. I'm like stop! No! Please! But you know, in hindsight it wound up really helpful that you went through that. So now it's something that we've been able to talk through over the years of going through it. So it's been helpful for you to see what people go through in that moment and we can laugh about it now. We were not laughing then. That was a rough one. And we could get into the story a little bit in the future about what happened there. But just, you know, I've seen it through our friendship cause we've been friends probably like seven or eight years now. Breakups. And when we've talked about it, she seen me through difficult times. And, and so we know what it's like to have that overwhelming feeling of like, Oh my, I have to do something to reach out to my ex and you just get so emotional with the uncertainty and the anxiety causes you to make a lot of mistakes. We're going to talk about some of these mistakes today. Margaret, you know, these are some big ones, right? So the first one I want to talk about is blaming shaming or criticizing. Okay. This obviously I don't mean directly with your ex. I mean, yes, it would. Don't do that with your ex, but even with friends or family publicly, you've seen this with some of your girlfriends, right?

Victoria (03:45):

Especially if you have mutual friends, word gets around and people will give you their word to your face, but they may also be talking to your ex, you know, you never know. So it's better to be safe and find somebody professional that you can speak with or somebody that is outside of your social circle.

Craig (04:05):

Yeah. that, cause we get so upset. Oftentimes we'll sit there and tell our friends and family, Oh, they did this and they did that. And you know, you don't think it'll get back to them, but it does. It does more often than not. And you know, it's understandable that you're hurt and you're angry at them. But if it gets back, it's only going to do damage. I mean, how many times have you seen that you say something to somebody else. Oh, absolutely. And the next thing you know, everybody knows it. And then your ex is like, why did you call my uncle and tell him that I,

Margaret (04:41):

And people want to call people's relatives after a breakup.

New Speaker (04:45):

So guilty of that with the Applebee's girl. Yeah. Oh, it was so awful. I was talking to her brother, her sister, her mother, and they all love me. They really felt bad. And I think they probably would have wanted us to repair things. But I do think that there was more getting back to her than I realized. And I had one friend that I thought was a friend that wound up spilling the beans, you know, that story. And so I had a friend that was a very mutual friend and I thought to my face, she was, you know, on my side, but she had a hidden agenda. She sabotaged it and she really caused a lot of problems. So regardless of how upset you were be very careful who you share with. Yep. Okay. The next one on the list is retaliation manipulation or playing games. This is big. Especially with social media, a lot of people will do something to get revenge. You'd be surprised how many people will send out naked pictures of their ex to other people. They'll post it on websites. They'll they'll post it on Facebook. Oh yeah. I've seen some really big mistakes because people are hurt, but they're trying to humiliate their ex, but that is really good to destroy any possibility that wanting to come back, it's going to really hurt your chances. Right. you know, it's going to get back with them. Essentially. If you play a game with somebody, they're gonna get it. Right. They're gonna hear us through friends. Right. Do you see that with any of your female friends playing games or manipulate?

Victoria (06:27):

I could see that with social media, as far as posting pictures with other people to make their ex jealous you could also see this with people trying to get with their ex's friends. That's that's particularly insidious.

Margaret (06:42):

It is. Yes.

Craig (06:45):

I agree. I've seen that too. I've seen that, but a lot of times it just makes them so angry at you that they're like, well, I'm never going to date you a deck again, because of that. I've seen girls do it to guys, like they'll go after the guy friends. And if the guy reciprocates any way that might ruin that friendship as well with him and the other friend.

Margaret (07:09):

That would get them good, wouldn't it?

Victoria (07:14):

I could also see how somebody could warn other people about dating their ex

Craig (07:19):

Oh, that's a big one.

Victoria (07:20):

Spread rumors about them.

Craig (07:24):

It lies. Lies. That's what you know. So like with the revenge, the retaliation. Yeah. It's a big one. Okay. Here's another one. This is important too. Frequent emotional inconsistency and mood instability. Right? Posting emotional songs and poetry. Especially I see this, like on Instagram, people will just post, post, post, post, post 50 things in a week and it's like so much, right. It just doesn't make you look confident and like you're over things or that you're handling things well, right. Margaret.

Margaret (08:01):

No, it wouldn't make you feel like that. And you're trying to let your, your ex know how distressed you are hoping they'll respond. Is that it?

Craig (08:08):

I think that might be what they're trying to do, but I think it just makes the ex angry or like what is going on with this person.

Margaret (08:16):

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. That wouldn't ever get you anywhere.

Victoria (08:19):

This could also be a loophole in the no contact, especially if you have a public profile or if you're still friends with your ex on social media, you may think they're going to receive the messages that I'm expressing via social media via signing on, you know, I don't need to contact them to express myself to them.

Craig (08:41):

So sometimes you, you might do it because you're wanting to connect with them on some level, but it often makes a situation worse. Right. Okay. Okay. Here's a big, we see this a lot: disrespected or ignoring boundaries.

Margaret (09:01):

Well, boundaries are sacred and serious and so forth and so on, but boundary violations would be calling the rest of the family. Trying to stalk them on social media and all of those things that sometimes desperate people do to try to get a response,

Craig (09:20):

Even worse than that, the social media driving to the work. Have you seen that like with your friends and stuff too?

Victoria (09:28):

Driving by houses, driving by work, trying to find their car at friend's houses.

Craig (09:35):

And I feel like women in particular get very scared when a guy does that.

Margaret (09:40):

Yes they do. Yes they do. Cause it looks like they're being stalked and there's a lot of information around about stalking these days. So women do get very scared.

Craig (09:51):

I just had a guy today who went to her work and she got a restraining order against him now. And he's like, hasn't even been served yet, but it's going to happen. He's scared as hell. But you know, you violate those boundaries and you think it's innocent. You know what I hear a lot too, is that the ex doesn't want to talk to you. So they just show up at their house and like I'm coming over.

Margaret (10:18):

Terrible boundary violation. No means no.

Craig (10:24):

So you want to avoid doing that and if you get upset, figure out a way to deescalate and calm down because it's only going to make decisions.

Margaret (10:32):

So we make things much worse. But going to people's work, I've known people to be fired when some angry or agitated ex shows up at work. Yes, yes,

Craig (10:44):

Absolutely. And the last one I want to talk about is another big one. Not following through with promises. How many of you have told your ex certain things about what you're going to do, what your goals are, what you're trying to change. And then instead you get so obsessed with where they're at, what they're doing. You completely lose sight of that. Right? like a big one, I'm going to go to therapy.

Craig (11:16):

If you have a guy that says I'm going to go to therapy and then four months later, the girlfriend comes back. I mean, Margaret, what do you think? How do you think that's going to hurt the chances?

Margaret (11:28):

It's not going to help. And I will say, always say to the guys, you know promises, don't cut it. You have to do it. And nothing's going to impress her as much as if you've actually gone to therapy. "But I thought about things and I worked on myself". No, it's not going to sell as well as going to therapy. Yeah. Yeah.

Craig (11:49):

Any other lifestyle changes you can think of that you might see that somebody really wants to see their ex do in that no contact.

Victoria (11:57):

I would also think of the problems you had in the relationship. So if your partner was always complaining about you not going to work or not being functional at work, also, maybe living with family, not having a place of your own might be another one.

Craig (12:09):

I think especially women get frustrated with men for that. Cause I think a lot of guys just kind of will get complacent and live with their grandparents or their parents and women like to see a man who can really be independent and self sufficient. Right. I just had a call about that this past week

Margaret (12:31):

Or I'm going to go back to school. Yeah. That's a big one too. Did you do it? "Well, No." Okay.

Craig (12:38):

Maybe quitting a habit like smoking or drinking or if you're doing drugs, those are all big ones that your ex wants to see. And so if you don't really make those changes while you're not in contact with them, it's going to come back and haunt you. That's why Margaret and I have been preaching for years. It's all about the personal growth in no contact, healing, those attachment issues, becoming more confident learning to communicate. Right? We talk about all kinds of different ways to improve your relationship.

Margaret (13:11):

Of course, we'd love to see you do it for your own wellbeing, not just to impress your spouse, but if you're going to improve yourself, start anywhere you can. Yes.

Craig (13:21):

Yeah. That's so true because we ideally, we want you to do it for yourself. Right. But we understand that it's often the ex and the, you know, trying to get the ex back that keeps you motivated so highly. Right. So we just want to see you staying committed and working on yourself, whatever way you can. Right. But I think all of these are huge big ones. We hear all the time. So if you can make sure you don't do any of these mistakes from here on out. Many of you have probably already done several on this list,

Margaret (13:58):

But I think Craig, as you pointed out, boundaries is behind a lot of these yeah. Of, of how to get to somebody when they don't want you to get there.

Craig (14:08):

And the course, we talk a lot about boundaries. There is like, what is it? The one homework assignment. That's like five sections. It's all on boundaries. Boundaries is so key. And that's in the creative healing course if you want to check that out. But I think that it's really important that you do your best to steer away from these mistakes. And I think it'll help your chances significantly. Absolutely. Okay. So hopefully you found this video helpful, put a like on there if you did. And of course, if you want to get our help personally, just go to my website, askcraig.net,

What NOT To Do When Meeting Your Ex (4 HUGE Mistakes)

In this video, I'm going to be talking to about what not to do around your ex. You know, after somebody's broken up with us and we're just overwhelmed by emotions, we start acting irrationally. We start doing a lot of things that maybe we're embarrassed of or ashamed of later, and we kind of lose our emotional balance. And so we become so focused and obsessed on trying to get them back that we don't think clearly, we get like tunnel vision. And it's important to understand that how you behave is going to make a major impact on whether or not your ex will revisit the idea of getting back with you. A lot of times, we get so overwhelmed with emotions. When we get in front of our ex that we lose our balance again, we go back into our old mindset of the breakup, and it's important that you have to try and start fresh. You don't want to try and be in that dynamic of that person has all the power and you feel powerless, but that's often how we feel is we feel stuck in where we were when they made the decision, because in a lot of cases, time has passed the balance. Isn't as shifted as you thought it was, especially if they're agreeing to meet with you or they're wanting to meet with you in person, it's not as unbalanced where they were cutting you out of their life totally. Or they were so set in their decision. At least it's less likely to be that way because they're agreeing to meet up with you. So I've got four really important tips for you guys on how to act around your ex, because it's really, really important. You don't make these mistakes. The first thing you want to make sure you don't do is come on too strong.

Craig (02:38):

Okay? A lot of times you're trying to desperately get an answer from them on what they want and why they're meeting up with you. And if they're gonna give you another shot, right? You're so obsessed with, are they going to give us another shot? Are they gonna give me another chance that you will come on strong? Obviously your ex is meeting up with you so they have some kind of agenda. There's a reason they're meeting up with you, right. Something inside of them is making them say, okay, I want to see you. I want to get together whether or not it's they want to get you back or they want to talk about, about things or maybe they want to get with you just for closure. Sometimes an ex will miss you for a certain amount of time. And they'll think about you and they'll think about getting back with you, but they're like, you know, I don't think it's going to work and they'll actually kind of in their own mind, meet up with you for closure. And so if they're in that mindset of I'm going there, just to make sure I'm done with this and I'm over it, and you start to behave in an attractive way, that idea of closure can be thrown out the window. And there'll be like, wow, I really had a good time. And they really did make all these changes. I didn't think I would want to, but I actually am open to another shot at this. And that actually happens a lot. So even if you think that they're there for closure, stay calm. If you behave in a way where you do, they might change their mind. Okay. This next one I really like too don't make a big deal about the breakup.

Craig (04:20):

And there's a really funny story that I like. I love from Larry, David, I don't know if you know who Larry David is. He's one of my favorite comedian slash writers. He wrote the Seinfeld show and curb your enthusiasm. And I find him absolutely hysterical. And there's a great story about him that he shares where when he was working on Saturday night, live as a writer many, many years ago in the seventies, way before he was famous he helped on the show trying to get sketches on the air. Well, one night he didn't stay for the read through and the boss kind of saw him. The producer was like, where are you going? And he's like, well, I'm going home. I wrote a couple sketches. I wrote a couple of ideas, gotta get outta here. Like we always stay all night for the readthrough. And he's like, well, why, why would you do that? That's stupid. We've had weeks to work on this. Why would you stay an extra eight to 10 hours? I want to go home. So he goes home. Well, after that point, he rounds up not getting any of his sketches or ideas on the air. They probably are upset at him for what happened. So he had written a bunch of great sketches that he really liked. And he said they were working and it looked like they were good on the air, but they all got canceled. And so finally he has it and he gets so annoyed. He screams at the producer, that's it, I'm done. This show stinks. I've had it. And he's just start yelling at the guy. He just blows up and he goes, I quit. You're never going to see me again.

Craig (05:59):

So he starts walking home and he's all upset and he's angry. And then he thinks to himself, wait you know, this is going to cost me a lot of money. I had enough money from this job to pay for my bills for the next two years. What am I doing? I don't know what's going on. I don't know if I should have done this. So he goes home and his neighbor's like, what are you doing here? You're here early. And his neighbor was actually Kenny Kramer, the guy that the Kramer character was based on. So he tells him what happened and how he had quit his job. And he blew up and screamed at him and everything else. And his buddy Kramer looks at him and goes, well, why don't you just go back there on Monday and pretend that it never happened. So that's what he did a Monday.

Craig (06:50):

He goes in, he's in front of everybody. He sits at the table meeting. Everybody's looking at him like, what are you doing here? You blew up, you quit. And he's just acting like it never happened. And the producer looks at him and asked him what his sketch ideas are. And he tells him, and he didn't wind up getting fired, even though he technically quit. But my point of this story is, is that when you're in front of your ex, try not to make a big deal of it. Like, you know, he did, he like, it didn't really happen. So you kind of want to act like the breakup didn't really happen. One of my mistakes with the Applebee's girls was I kept talking about my feelings, how much she had hurt me, how badly I missed her daughter. And I kept kind of emphasizing it instead of focusing on, Hey, just having a great time with them again.

Craig (07:40):

So try not to make a big deal about the breakup. Can't act like it didn't happen altogether, but if it comes up, you talk about it. Right? Okay. Third one. Don't assume you have to get them back in that first meeting. Okay. This is a big mistake. It's not now or never. It feels like it's now or never. Like if I don't nail this down, if I don't talk about it, if I don't know where they're at or what we're doing here in that initial meetup, it feels like you're going to be scared and anxious and confused, and you're going to lose them. That's not the case. Okay. I had that fearful mindset back in the day, but you don't need to be that afraid that if you don't get them back after that meetup, that it won't happen. Your goal, your focus is leaving a great impression and showing them how different you are and the dynamic is not the, they have all the power and they broke up with you that you had just when the breakup happened. Okay. One more. And I want to share this as another one that I saw that was really unfortunate. I've seen quite a few times, getting too comfortable too soon. Okay. So I have had several clients that actually got back with their ex, but they went back to their old ways really quickly and it blew their shot. Okay. So you're going to find that if you're not vigilant with yourself, you're going to go back to your insecure ways. As soon as you get comfortable again, okay. You got to look at it like you're on probation. Tell yourself that if I get my ex, I'm going to continue to work as hard as you are right now for nine months, say nine months. Because if you do, and you really stick to that, you will make really long lasting changes. Okay? But if you give up right, when you get them back, I just hear it all the time. A month, two months after you get them back, you're going to go back to those old ways. I had one guy who had been in no contact for like a year, and this guy did tremendous amounts of work. He'd done a lot of work. He'd done the workbooks he'd been working really hard, totally changed himself. Well, first couple of times, he went out with her. Things were great. They had even hooked up. He was really happy. Third date. He made a big mistake that was one of her major complaints in the relationship.

Craig (10:25):

He did it on the third date and that was it. She was done. And she wound up never coming back and giving them another shot after that. She was so fed up and it was crazy because honestly the mistake wasn't that big, but in his situation, because it was something that had to upset her about their dynamic, she was like, you see, it is the same way that it's going to be. And then she started dating somebody else. Actually. Now that I think about it after that third date, so you don't want to get comfortable too soon and go back to your old ways. Otherwise you're going to be in for another breakup. Okay. So hopefully you found these tips helpful. And if they, if you did make sure you put a like on the video for me to support the channel.