How Do I Show an Ex I've Changed? How To Change After a Breakup!

Craig (00:00):

Today we're going to be talking about how do I change and how do I show an ex that I've changed? You know, we're always talking about change and personal growth on the channel and it's not easy to do, is it? And Margaret, you and I were talking about this recently, that one of the things that comes along with that is actually fear.

Margaret (01:01):

Absolutely even good change is scary. Any change scares us human beings. We are frail little things, actually we are. Yeah, but even good change is scary.

Craig (01:13):

But you know, when you're trying to repair a relationship or repair your relationships with other people and learn to have healthier relationships, you have to make changes in order to do it, but it's not easy to do. So, Coach Victoria is going to be sharing some research that she did on this today.

Victoria (01:32):

Great. Sure. I have five steps that will help you in conducting change in your life. So the first step is a step if that we talk about a lot on the channel, and this one is awareness. It's recognizing harmful patterns in your relationships. If you're attracting the same kind of toxic people in your life, or if you're the one who's doing toxic behaviors in your relationship, it takes noticing these. And it's also to take it a step further. It's also knowing the ways in which your childhood has affected your present day behaviors.

Craig (02:05):

That's a big, that's such a big point because, you know, in order to fix a problem, you need to know what it is.

Margaret (02:12):

You can't fix a problem you're unaware of.

Craig (02:14):

So that's, that's so critical. And that's why oftentimes when you guys come to the channel and you're hearing us talk about these things, they're like, Oh my gosh, I've been doing this thing for this entire relationship or my entire life.

Margaret (02:26):

And it's never easy because you're admitting that you'll have a flaw, but you feel so much better when you do, you know, when it doesn't become the end of the world. It's okay. We all have our problems. We all have our blind spots.

Craig (02:39):

Except for Margaret.

Margaret (02:39):

Well, except for me, I just sit around describing them to others.

Victoria (02:46):

All right. So the next one is adopting new beliefs and reinforcing them every chance you get, and this is not easy to do. No, not at all. This is the next step after awareness and awareness is only as helpful as much as it emboldens you to take a risk and to try something new. And I think Craig, that you've touched on this before and talking about how anxiety can seem like the resting state, if that's what we're familiar with after so long. Now the one with this point is that taking a risk in trying something healthy that can seem as something outside of the ordinary and can seem different and uncomfortable.

Craig (03:24):

That's the first thing that came to mind, right? Cause you're like, I don't, this is awkward. I don't, I'm not used to this. So trying that can be like, you know, if you're like a baseball player and you're trying something new with your swing, it feels uncomfortable at first. You don't, it doesn't feel like the same, but if you want to improve, you have to do those things.

Victoria (03:43):

Right. And also with this one, if you work every day, doing something towards your goal, that's going to help you in the long run. Yep. And new beliefs can sound like I don't need to beg for love or I'm at worthy of love.

Margaret (03:56):

That's a big one. I'm worthy of love.

Victoria (04:00):

Or I can become more comfortable with receiving love as well. Yep. You can reinforce these ideas with affirmations, with positive self-talk with doing something that makes you feel good every day. Just having a routine of self care will really help you.

Margaret (04:17):

I wanted to make one comment. It's hard to imagine that people sometimes don't know what to do when someone loves them. But if you grew up in a family that didn't know how to tell you, or didn't know how to show you that your loved, it can be an absolutely foreign experience. And you don't know if it's safe to take it. Yeah. It feels uncomfortable. Right.

Victoria (04:38):

Okay. That leads perfectly into my next point of, accept that discomfort will be part of the process. So we did touch on this a little bit just now. But it can be uncomfortable to move away from the patterns that were literally developed by your brain and body to protect you at one point. Yeah.

Craig (04:57):

And that felt natural because you just kind of did it as it happened. And now you're trying to undo that. So that's really, it just awkward. Right.

Victoria (05:06):

And an example of this can be hyper-vigilance. If you were feeling super sensitive to your partner, abandoning you and you're, you're keeping your eyes open for any sort of threat that may lead to your abandonment self-soothing is going to take a while before your body becomes used to that and becomes receptive to that.

Craig (05:27):

Yeah. Your natural state might be to constantly obsess about what your partner is doing and if they're abandoning you and getting used to that, okay, they need space. I need to allow for that. That's uncomfortable.

Victoria (05:43):

Right? So knowing and accepting this discomfort as part of the process is also going to help you be aware of your changing process because change is never easy and it's never comfortable. No, it's not.

Craig (05:58):

And oftentimes you're going to slip back into old routines. So you're going to find that you're making mistakes and you've got to be aware of all. I did it again. I'll be, I'll catch it next time.

Victoria (06:10):

The next one I have is surrounding yourself in an environment conductive to your change. So this emphasizes the importance of community in your transformation process of surrounding yourself with role models and mentors that can show you this can be done and you can do it too. And it's possible.

Craig (06:29):

Absolutely. It's possible

Margaret (06:31):

Role models and mentors are very important. This person looks like they have it together. Let me figure out how they do it.

Victoria (06:38):

And also having supportive family and friends being around you. An example of this could be with addiction if you're addicted to a substance and you're around others who are addicted to that substance substance, it's going to be harder for you to change and change for the longterm.

Craig (06:53):

Yeah. Cause you're gonna be tempted and they're going to tempt you. Oh yes. Because they don't want to be alone in their addiction. They want you with them. Right, right. Misery loves company.

Margaret (07:05):

Misery really loves company. And besides you might leave, if you get healthy. Yep.

Victoria (07:10):

And it's going to be more difficult for you to change and break those old patterns if you're around those people that perpetuate those old patterns and bring that out of you.

Craig (07:18):

Yeah. Absolutely. Good, good, very good points.

Victoria (07:22):

Another to go further with this point also in what you surround yourself, as far as media, as far as what you're doing on your phone, as far as your hobbies, these are also inputs into your environment as well. So also be aware of, of the messages that you're receiving from the outside as well.

Craig (07:40):

That's going to impact you and you know, whether you were consciously aware of it or not, it's going to impact you. Sure. Yeah.

Victoria (07:49):

All right. My next point is not giving up. And you mentioned this earlier, but you may experience some fallback and don't let this stop you or hinder you from where you're trying to be. This is also part of the process. And you can learn from this progression is not just a linear, straight path. It's jagged with unexpected circumstances that happen and your resilience and ability to step back up and get back into the game and focus on what you're trying to do is really going to impact your lasting change.

Margaret (08:20):

Everybody makes mistakes. You can't be perfect while changing. And sometimes you need a rest, go back to your old ways for a bit and then go forward again.

Craig (08:30):

And sometimes you have to make a mistake to be aware of, Oh, I fell back into that pattern again, you know, so yeah. Not giving up and just focusing on who you want to become a year from now, who do you want to be a year from today from watching this? You can determine the speed that you grow and you know, how much effort you put in and no one, can you back if that's what you're focused on doing no matter what your issues are. Right,

Victoria (09:02):

And also as you progress, you might find yourself regressing a little bit as well. I think Margaret, you may have mentioned this to me before?

Margaret (09:12):

I know what Vicky's referring to. I had a wonderful supervisor once and I was very discouraged with one of my clients. And she said, oftentimes there is a progression before a leap forward. And it was exactly what was happening. We sort of dropped back, pick up all our old defenses, add up the new ones and then go ahead. But it's hard for a therapist when you've done a whole lot of work and you're ready for a breakthrough and then you seem to fall back, but she was right. And it was a profound point. Yeah.

Craig (09:42):

So expect it. Anything else?

Victoria (09:45):

Yes, I'm on my last one is on a positive note and that's to enjoy the fruits of your labor and celebrate the progress that you've made. Also, as far as you get, sometimes you need to take a look back to see how far you've come and how far you've grown. Yeah. So I just wanted to note that out that also notice the positive changes you're making on the day to day on the moment to moment and celebrate every success that you have because you deserve it.

Craig (10:12):

Yeah. And there's a good chance many of you have made a lot of progress from when you started watching the channel initially, and you've already had a lot of insights and a lot of growth and just continue it and you'll feel so much better. Right? Good stuff. All right. That was a really good research there. And I hope that you found this helpful.

What NOT To Do When Meeting Your Ex (4 HUGE Mistakes)

In this video, I'm going to be talking to about what not to do around your ex. You know, after somebody's broken up with us and we're just overwhelmed by emotions, we start acting irrationally. We start doing a lot of things that maybe we're embarrassed of or ashamed of later, and we kind of lose our emotional balance. And so we become so focused and obsessed on trying to get them back that we don't think clearly, we get like tunnel vision. And it's important to understand that how you behave is going to make a major impact on whether or not your ex will revisit the idea of getting back with you. A lot of times, we get so overwhelmed with emotions. When we get in front of our ex that we lose our balance again, we go back into our old mindset of the breakup, and it's important that you have to try and start fresh. You don't want to try and be in that dynamic of that person has all the power and you feel powerless, but that's often how we feel is we feel stuck in where we were when they made the decision, because in a lot of cases, time has passed the balance. Isn't as shifted as you thought it was, especially if they're agreeing to meet with you or they're wanting to meet with you in person, it's not as unbalanced where they were cutting you out of their life totally. Or they were so set in their decision. At least it's less likely to be that way because they're agreeing to meet up with you. So I've got four really important tips for you guys on how to act around your ex, because it's really, really important. You don't make these mistakes. The first thing you want to make sure you don't do is come on too strong.

Craig (02:38):

Okay? A lot of times you're trying to desperately get an answer from them on what they want and why they're meeting up with you. And if they're gonna give you another shot, right? You're so obsessed with, are they going to give us another shot? Are they gonna give me another chance that you will come on strong? Obviously your ex is meeting up with you so they have some kind of agenda. There's a reason they're meeting up with you, right. Something inside of them is making them say, okay, I want to see you. I want to get together whether or not it's they want to get you back or they want to talk about, about things or maybe they want to get with you just for closure. Sometimes an ex will miss you for a certain amount of time. And they'll think about you and they'll think about getting back with you, but they're like, you know, I don't think it's going to work and they'll actually kind of in their own mind, meet up with you for closure. And so if they're in that mindset of I'm going there, just to make sure I'm done with this and I'm over it, and you start to behave in an attractive way, that idea of closure can be thrown out the window. And there'll be like, wow, I really had a good time. And they really did make all these changes. I didn't think I would want to, but I actually am open to another shot at this. And that actually happens a lot. So even if you think that they're there for closure, stay calm. If you behave in a way where you do, they might change their mind. Okay. This next one I really like too don't make a big deal about the breakup.

Craig (04:20):

And there's a really funny story that I like. I love from Larry, David, I don't know if you know who Larry David is. He's one of my favorite comedian slash writers. He wrote the Seinfeld show and curb your enthusiasm. And I find him absolutely hysterical. And there's a great story about him that he shares where when he was working on Saturday night, live as a writer many, many years ago in the seventies, way before he was famous he helped on the show trying to get sketches on the air. Well, one night he didn't stay for the read through and the boss kind of saw him. The producer was like, where are you going? And he's like, well, I'm going home. I wrote a couple sketches. I wrote a couple of ideas, gotta get outta here. Like we always stay all night for the readthrough. And he's like, well, why, why would you do that? That's stupid. We've had weeks to work on this. Why would you stay an extra eight to 10 hours? I want to go home. So he goes home. Well, after that point, he rounds up not getting any of his sketches or ideas on the air. They probably are upset at him for what happened. So he had written a bunch of great sketches that he really liked. And he said they were working and it looked like they were good on the air, but they all got canceled. And so finally he has it and he gets so annoyed. He screams at the producer, that's it, I'm done. This show stinks. I've had it. And he's just start yelling at the guy. He just blows up and he goes, I quit. You're never going to see me again.

Craig (05:59):

So he starts walking home and he's all upset and he's angry. And then he thinks to himself, wait you know, this is going to cost me a lot of money. I had enough money from this job to pay for my bills for the next two years. What am I doing? I don't know what's going on. I don't know if I should have done this. So he goes home and his neighbor's like, what are you doing here? You're here early. And his neighbor was actually Kenny Kramer, the guy that the Kramer character was based on. So he tells him what happened and how he had quit his job. And he blew up and screamed at him and everything else. And his buddy Kramer looks at him and goes, well, why don't you just go back there on Monday and pretend that it never happened. So that's what he did a Monday.

Craig (06:50):

He goes in, he's in front of everybody. He sits at the table meeting. Everybody's looking at him like, what are you doing here? You blew up, you quit. And he's just acting like it never happened. And the producer looks at him and asked him what his sketch ideas are. And he tells him, and he didn't wind up getting fired, even though he technically quit. But my point of this story is, is that when you're in front of your ex, try not to make a big deal of it. Like, you know, he did, he like, it didn't really happen. So you kind of want to act like the breakup didn't really happen. One of my mistakes with the Applebee's girls was I kept talking about my feelings, how much she had hurt me, how badly I missed her daughter. And I kept kind of emphasizing it instead of focusing on, Hey, just having a great time with them again.

Craig (07:40):

So try not to make a big deal about the breakup. Can't act like it didn't happen altogether, but if it comes up, you talk about it. Right? Okay. Third one. Don't assume you have to get them back in that first meeting. Okay. This is a big mistake. It's not now or never. It feels like it's now or never. Like if I don't nail this down, if I don't talk about it, if I don't know where they're at or what we're doing here in that initial meetup, it feels like you're going to be scared and anxious and confused, and you're going to lose them. That's not the case. Okay. I had that fearful mindset back in the day, but you don't need to be that afraid that if you don't get them back after that meetup, that it won't happen. Your goal, your focus is leaving a great impression and showing them how different you are and the dynamic is not the, they have all the power and they broke up with you that you had just when the breakup happened. Okay. One more. And I want to share this as another one that I saw that was really unfortunate. I've seen quite a few times, getting too comfortable too soon. Okay. So I have had several clients that actually got back with their ex, but they went back to their old ways really quickly and it blew their shot. Okay. So you're going to find that if you're not vigilant with yourself, you're going to go back to your insecure ways. As soon as you get comfortable again, okay. You got to look at it like you're on probation. Tell yourself that if I get my ex, I'm going to continue to work as hard as you are right now for nine months, say nine months. Because if you do, and you really stick to that, you will make really long lasting changes. Okay? But if you give up right, when you get them back, I just hear it all the time. A month, two months after you get them back, you're going to go back to those old ways. I had one guy who had been in no contact for like a year, and this guy did tremendous amounts of work. He'd done a lot of work. He'd done the workbooks he'd been working really hard, totally changed himself. Well, first couple of times, he went out with her. Things were great. They had even hooked up. He was really happy. Third date. He made a big mistake that was one of her major complaints in the relationship.

Craig (10:25):

He did it on the third date and that was it. She was done. And she wound up never coming back and giving them another shot after that. She was so fed up and it was crazy because honestly the mistake wasn't that big, but in his situation, because it was something that had to upset her about their dynamic, she was like, you see, it is the same way that it's going to be. And then she started dating somebody else. Actually. Now that I think about it after that third date, so you don't want to get comfortable too soon and go back to your old ways. Otherwise you're going to be in for another breakup. Okay. So hopefully you found these tips helpful. And if they, if you did make sure you put a like on the video for me to support the channel.