Will My Ex Think About Me On Valentine's Day?

Craig (00:00):

Today. We're going to be talking about, will my ex think about me on Valentine's day? Well, if you're going through a breakup, that's a particularly difficult day. Yeah. And you are pretty much obsessing about your ex that day. Unot necessarily where they're at or what they're doing, but you just keep thinking about them. It's going to be everywhere because love is going to be everywhere on TV.

Margaret (01:08):

Absolutely. You cannot get away from social

Craig (01:10):

Media. You see what friends are doing? You hear what friends are doing and it just makes you feel awful. Yeah. So you're thinking about them nonstop, right? And so you're like, are they even thinking about me?

Margaret (01:24):

Or have they just moved on?

Craig (01:27):

To me? I think how could they not think about you? Right. That's right. How could they not think about you when, even if they're not wanting to be with you, even if they don't want a relationship right now, how could they not think about the person that they've spent, you know, probably last Valentine's day with, for many of you and how would they not be able to think about what you did last Valentine's day? I think that's a big thing.

Margaret (01:57):

Absolutely. You're going to remember what you did last year. Yeah. Or at any happy Valentine's days of the past. Of course.

Craig (02:06):

You know, when a holiday comes up, I think we often are reminded of the last one, you know, last Christmas last, last birthday. Yeah. And so I think it's normal. And how could they, you just can't put a push that out of your unconscious.

Margaret (02:21):

No, it is impossible to move on and never think back.

Craig (02:26):

Yeah. And even though you feel like they're not wondering how you're doing, maybe they've said we're never going to date again. I don't care about you anymore. Even if they're dating somebody new, it doesn't mean that they're not going to think about you. It's just the way we're wired.

Margaret (02:42):

Right. It's the way we're wired,

Craig (02:43):

The attachment that we have to other people is just so overwhelming. Those intrusive thoughts, they're going to experience it too. Right. so it doesn't necessarily mean that they're to want to get back with you, right? We're not saying that just because they're thinking about you, they're going to want to repair things or then they're going to come back. We can't say that, but we really feel like if you leave them alone, it's going to impact them and they have to sit with that. Right. And we say that all the time, because we just know how important it is that, you know, you may be tempted to reach out, but I think it's more powerful if you don't reach it.

Margaret (03:25):

That's right. And even if they broke up with you, I think you pointed out earlier today. Great. They're going to wonder why you didn't.

Craig (03:34):

Yeah. I mean, I think that it's more powerful for them to feel that loss that day. That's right. Don't you? Yeah. So when you're tempted to buy them a gift, reach out see how they're doing. Just know that they are thinking about you. And I think social media is, is changing that too. Like don't you think people are going to be looking at you on that day.

Victoria (03:59):

Yeah, definitely. And you have to remember that spending Valentine's day with your partner is a privilege. So once that relationship is over, you don't want to keep giving them that privilege, that you're always accessible to them, even on holidays and special days, like Valentine's day, you want to have them experience that loss. And of course, on social media, they're going to be scrolling, seeing what you're up to seeing what other people are up to. They're going to be exposed to the same amount of, let's say, love propaganda that you are. Exactly.

Craig (04:33):

Yeah. I, I think that it's just one of those things that they may not reach out or, and I don't think they will reach out for Valentine's day because it's overwhelming. Right. Right. Like, because it's like, if you reach out on Valentine's day, it's almost like saying, "I want to fix this". And I think that's going to be too big of a step for somebody

Margaret (04:54):

Don't do it.

Craig (04:55):

I think that, you know, you should just expect not to hear from them, but that not hearing from you will really hit their unconscious and be powerful to them. Right.

Victoria (05:08):

Because they probably expect to hear from you on that day, like you were saying Margaret. Right.

Margaret (05:12):

Yeah. And I have often said to people, remember who broke up with whom, right?

Craig (05:18):

Yeah. Because even if they don't want to hear from you, I think on some level they do want to hear it from you

Margaret (05:25):

Sure they do. Right. Or at least know that you still find them attractive and wonderful and all of those good things.

Craig (05:30):

They want them back. Yes. So, you know, I think it's safe to say that most of you will know in the back of your mind, your ex is gonna think about you. Of course, you know, some of you that may have been in like a situationship or something like that, maybe not. But even then I think you're going to at least come into their unconscious at some point during the day, because we cannot wait, wipe out close relationships. It's just so easy for a thought to pop up when you're not even thinking about it. Right.

Victoria (06:05):

And romance is not something that you share with everybody. It's something that you share with select people. It's rare. Yeah. So on a day, like Valentine's day where romantic feelings are at an all time high, of course, you know, romantic partners are going to come to their mind.

Craig (06:22):

Yeah. That chemistry that you had, that connection, that feeling of, you know, maybe how good the relationship was at its peak and how long, you know, all those things are going to come back to you. Right. So I think we all kind of agree that your ex will think about you at some point during the day and wonder what's going on with you, even if the relationship ended badly. Right. Absolutely. Yeah. So we just wanted to talk about that and reassure you that we know how awful it feels. We know you feel like they don't care about you. I've been there. Right. I've been in the situation completely convinced that that person wasn't thinking about me, but they often will admit later on, "I thought about you all the time". Right. How often do we hear that? Very often. Right. And, and you feel like there's no hope, but you don't know what they're doing behind closed doors.

Victoria (07:22):

Exactly. And it can be very hard to keep that emotional self control on a day, like Valentine's day, but just remember it's even more important on days, like Valentine's day to continue to no contact and to have that emotional self-control

Craig (07:36):

Control. Yeah. I think so. I think it's more powerful for your ex not to hear from you.

Margaret (07:40):

And to give your ex the benefit of getting in touch with all of their feelings.

Margaret (07:46):

But it's going to be an emotional day for them too. And of course, whether they show it or not, I don't think they would show it. They want to keep their guard up. But that doesn't mean behind closed doors, they're not feeling that loss right. Laying down at night, trying to fall asleep, thinking about it. Cause they know they made mistakes too. Sure. They know that they cause problems in that relationship to fail. Even if they're putting all the blame on you, they have to get to that point at some time. Right. So hopefully this makes you feel a little bit better about Valentine's day. And just knowing that there's a very good chance that they're thinking about you wondering how you are, wondering what's going on with you and that they're struggling with that day too. Right? Okay. Hopefully you found this video helpful. And of course, if you want to get our help personally, just go to my website, askcraig.net, sign up for the coaching option that works best for you.

Do Feelings REALLY Change?

Today we're going to be talking about, do feelings really change. Big topic. I know so many of you worry about that every single day. And I could totally understand it because when you're in a situation like a breakup and somebody says, I'm done, I'm over this. I don't want to work this out. And you feel devastated and hopeless, it feels like that's it. That's the way it stays forever. Okay. So I got a quick email today and we're going to talk about this. Okay. And before we start, I just want to say, make sure you guys subscribe to the channel that way, you know, that we continue to grow and help people and push those other channels away. That spew a little nonsense, you know who you are. So let me get to this email.

Craig (01:40):

They said, hi, coach Craig and Margaret. I know you've talked a lot about situations that are hopeless turning around. Sometimes that feels like false hope in my situation. People talk about false hope. Quite often. We'll get to that in a minute. I'll let you talk about false hope. Do you think that even if an ex really says they never want to see you again, that it can really turn around? Sometimes I get scared that you just say that to make us feel better. Oh, okay. Well, I could totally understand why you would feel like that. Okay. you know, you guys have to understand that we are in a very different position than you are. Okay. You are on the end of a recent breakup and everything is terrifying. Margaret and I are on the other end of it and we see tons of people every week and we've been doing it for a long time now. So we see when situations that are really hopeless. Absolutely do turn around. I have seen situations that the person was like, I'm never coming back. In fact, we share those emails sometimes. "I'm Never coming back. I never want to see you again. I never want to have another chance with this" and they absolutely can get turned around. Now, sometimes you guys feel like that there are situations of false hope. "Well, You're just giving us false hope." Margaret, what do you think about that?

Margaret (03:10):

Well, I think it would be irresponsible of us to do that. And you know, we're more likely to tell you how it is then to give you false hope. And we have seen all kinds of feelings change. Have you ever been so angry at someone that you never wanted to see them again, talk to them again, know that they existed in the world again, and most people don't feel that way longterm over very many people, particularly someone they were close to. Okay. And people can say all kinds of things when they're angry,

Craig (03:44):

Or if they want you to leave them alone, they're just, they're cold. And they're in that moment. They are like, I don't want to deal with you.

Margaret (03:51):

You feel like you're chilled to your spine and you need your mittens and your coat. But again, feelings change over time. It could have to do with a fight they had with the boss that day, the way their mother treated the most of the time they were growing up, all kinds of things can go into the angry things we say to each other, but trust us, we would rather have you unhappy and facing the truth than try to give you false hope. But we believe that most situations have hope in that because we've seen it over and over again. Yep. Okay. Yeah.

Craig (04:29):

It's just about, you know, focusing on the personal growth in the meantime, and then when you get an opportunity in front of your ex, again, show them a newer, more attractive version of yourself where you're not dramatic when you're not begging and you're crying anymore and you're actually showing them, wow, you've really made changes. You've done things that you, I didn't think you were going to do. You've made progress. I've had people just recently that had drinking problems and they stopped drinking. So they make complete life changes and they're going into therapy when their partner thought they'd never get into therapy or they're actually working on communication skills and, you know, committed to being a better partner. And yes, that is a lot more attractive than who you were before.

Margaret (05:17):

One of the other things is it depends on what you think you deserve. Okay. And there are many people out there who got all kinds of messages growing up, that they were not good people and that they didn't deserve to have good things happen to them. And if you're one of those, even aside from the situation you're dealing with, you're a human being. You're a good person because you breathe and you are here and you deserve to have things turned around. Okay?

Craig (05:46):

Yeah. It's really, really tough because some people are so upset and frustrated about their particular situation that they get angry at us or how we see things. Now we are very upfront and when we say not, everybody's going to get a chance with their ex it's simply not going to happen for all of you. We wish that everybody would, but we don't say that. Okay. We don't talk about percentages unless it's been researched. We don't spew that kind of nonsense because you know, Margaret, her philosophy has been for years ever since I've known her, is that we can talk about and deal with anything,

Margaret (06:28):

Right. If we're willing to look at it. Absolutely.

Craig (06:31):

Okay. So that's how we stand about it. Some of you will not get another chance with your ex, but many of you will surprisingly hear from your ex again. And when you do, leave comments, so that people know that it does happen. Exes say I'm never coming back. I never want to see you again. They think that the grass is greener. Like they think that their other options are better or they just, they don't feel the same way about you. And then in time they realize how much you really did mean to them.

Margaret (07:09):

Another thought has just gone through my mind that if you have an experience where you have a parent who left you and disappeared, it would be hard for you to have a whole lot of hope about relationships, redeeming themselves. I could readily understand that. So if that's one of the things that happened to you, yes, it happened to you. And it was real. But actually that cannot happen again, since you've already dealt with that parent and most situations turn around and later in life that parent could look for you, all those things can happen. But if you've had that kind of a loss, it would be hard to hope. And you could say, what are these people talking about? People do leave, and just never come back at all. But not often.

Craig (08:00):

Yeah. Sometimes they do leave. It depends upon the situation because your situations are so different. You should see how different my calls are in any given day. Right? Right. It's just all over the map. If you sat and heard my calls, you would see that so many of them are extremely different now over any given month, you're gonna see a lot of similarities, but you're going to see a lot of differences. You know, I had a guy today that the girlfriend broke up with him right around the anniversary of the, one of the parent's death. So we had an anniversary reaction and thanks to the channel he was, a little familiar with that when I brought it up to him, you know? So we talked about that and, and how to, you know, navigate that.

Margaret (08:50):

What I want to say to this gentleman is you can't be that unlovable. Okay. You cannot be so that someone would never, ever even debate coming back to you. Yeah.

Craig (09:01):

Yeah. You know, there's a lot of reasons why somebody could leave a relationship. But there's also a lot of reasons why they could come back. Sure. You know, sometimes the person was frustrated with the way the relationship was going. They couldn't deal with things going the way they were. And they're like, I'm done, I'm over it. I have to get out. I can't keep feeling like this, but if you leave them alone and you let them deal with things, process, things, think about things and come back to you when they're ready, you're going to be a lot more likely to repair it or have another opportunity if it presents itself. So yes, feelings really do change all the time. And it's absolutely true. It's true for men. And it's true for women.

Margaret (09:52):

Absolutely. Think of your parents. I mean, you can remember both of your parents being extremely anxious, angry, safer for all sorts of different reasons and they're fine a day or two later feelings do change. Yeah.

Craig (10:06):

Yeah, absolutely. So I hope you, you know, feel a little bit better about this, knowing that a lot of times, time is a key factor in having an opportunity with your ex again, how much time it takes. It's different for everybody. And there's a lot of different factors, you know, and unfortunately our crystal ball still hasn't been delivered by Amazon.

Margaret (10:35):

No, we'll let you know when it comes in,

Craig (10:37):

Simply look at our past experiences with coachings and what typically happens with previous clients and how we've seen things.

Margaret (10:46):

Well, you know, I do have to say something else about feeling hopeless. If you feel hopeless for a long time, please reach out to some local therapists because being hopeless can sometimes make you hurt yourself or think about hurting yourself and we don't want that to happen with anyone. Of course. So if you can't beat the hopelessness, please reach out. Okay. Every community has some sort of a clinic.

Craig (11:10):

Absolutely.

Your Ex's Inner Thoughts (Why They Pushed You Away)

Today we're going to be talking about why they pushed us away. You know, a lot of times we're in a relationship and we're happy and we think things are going well. And the next thing you know, your ex has pushed you away, or your partner at the time is pushing you away. There's sabotaging things, there's things going on and he can't figure out why, what is going on with this person?

Margaret (01:08):

You loved me last week and this week you don't.

Craig (01:11):

So Margaret has some great research today that she wants to share on what causes this. Cause it's good to understand what your ex has gone through or your partners are going through within them internally that we don't understand.

Margaret (01:25):

So I'm going to share with you, this particular article was written by one of the Firestones. Now let me clarify the Firestones, I've presented several times work by Lisa Firestone, who talks about your inner inner critic. That mean voice that you have inside that puts you down and encourages you to put yourself down and tells you what's wrong with you. So I finally figured out who they all are. There's Robert Firestone, a psychologist who's quite famous and he married his wife named Tamsen. So she's, Tamsen Firestone. And then there's their daughter, Lisa Firestone. So at least I've got that much straight.

Craig (02:04):

And don't forget about Lenny.

Margaret (02:06):

Get out of here.

Craig (02:07):

Lenny Firestone. He's the one that runs the tires, right?

Margaret (02:10):

Yeah. Don't tread on me. Oh, that was a terrible pun. Anyway, I have finally figured out who these people are, but they all specialize in talking about internal processes and our inner critics and how they can be very destructive to us if we don't know they're there. Okay. And we often hear people after a breakup listing what's wrong with them beating themselves up and doing all sorts of things. Yeah. So fortunately the Firestones are trying to help us not do that. And the particular book I just read recently was called dare to love, meaning, and reminding us that love can be very scary. And for several reasons, which I'm going to talk about one at a time we can run into pushing love away. Not that we meant to, but somehow we get.

Craig (03:00):

You want to think about this long and hard because this is exactly what may have happened with your partner.

Margaret (03:04):

Absolutely. When you're talking about a breakup and so how to deal with your critical inner voice, first of all, you have to figure out that it's there and to do that, what you do is you go back and you think about it. Are you beating yourself up after the breakup? And most people, men and women, are beating themselves up after the breakup. I think men, men fare a little bit better than women do on that, but women are brutal to themselves. Okay. I'm not attractive enough. I wasn't exciting enough. There were all these things I didn't do. So first of all, you want to find out what...

Craig (03:43):

I think men probably focusing on how they were neglectful

Margaret (03:49):

Yeah. "I Spent too much time out of the house. I spent too much time on my computer. I played video games when she would try to talk to me."

Craig (03:57):

'I wasn't attentive enough." Right

Margaret (04:00):

Right. I wasn't. And that's oftentimes the deal. Yep. Okay. so what, what this gentleman suggests is sit down and think about the bad things you say to yourself. And one of the ways that you commonly asked the question is to say, "how are you hard on yourself?" Okay. "How Much blame do you take when things go wrong?" And everybody can answer that question. And most people will. So if your inner voice is saying to you and, and they give you a particular example, and this is a woman named Gloria and Gloria has been married for a few years to a guy named Nick and they have a couple of kids. So she is staying home and taking care of the children. And her inner voice says to her I'm not interesting anymore. I'm not the same person I was when I was working.

Margaret (04:51):

I'm not fun to be with anymore. I'm not attractive. Who am I kidding? I'm fat. I'm not attractive anymore. I'm past my prime. I'm just a chubby matronly mom and Nick doesn't care about me anyway, if it weren't for me, Nick would be happy to just this, let this relationship die out. But that's just kind of how it is with relationships. Talk about negative. Right? Now you notice she hasn't talked to Nick about this. So what the author suggests is you rewrite this in the second person, you rewrite it as if some outside force is saying this to you. Okay. "You are not attractive. You are not interesting anymore." That puts a little bit outside you and invites you to get angry about something being that destructive to you.

Craig (05:45):

Like "who do you think you are?"

Margaret (05:48):

That's exactly right. And that's the goal. All right. So you write it down in the steps with a "you". I'm not interesting anymore becomes "you are not interesting anymore." "You're not fun to be with anymore. You are not the same person you were when you were working", you get the idea, and you verbalize your statements. Even if they feel hurtful and make you sad or angry. Cause once you start understanding that you're saying this to yourself, it's very upsetting. Yeah. Okay.

Craig (06:18):

And you have to realize that many of you were with partners that were doing this to themselves and that they were saying things like this to themselves. And that's, you know, some of the reasons that they broke up with you is because they were doing this to themself and you probably didn't pick up on it, or weren't really aware of that internal struggle.

Margaret (06:40):

Okay. The next step. So you're going to, you're going to figure out what, what you say to yourself. You're going to write it down as a "you," and then you're going to reflect on this. And in this step, people usually recognize that the critical inner voice represents some way in which they were treated during childhood, by a particular parent, another family member, a significant person outside the family, like a coach or a teacher. Okay. We don't get these ideas from nowhere. So the next step is you confront the inner voice. So finally Gloria said to her critical voice, "you're always criticizing me and saying I'm boring and unattractive, exclamation point. You're always telling me that nobody could love me. That's the message that you're getting across to me. Well, it isn't true. I'm the same person I was when Nick met me. And I'm the same person he married. I'm still interesting and fun and attractive. There is nothing wrong with me. The real truth is that all you ever care about is tearing me down and that's all you've ever cared about. Shut up. I'm done listening to you." All right, Gloria. Okay. And that's exactly what you do.

Craig (07:53):

No, maybe don't say this while you're walking through Walmart.

Margaret (07:56):

Probably not a good idea. You might bump into somebody. Um but anyway, that's, that's step one. That's my first message. First. Think about how you do it to you.

Craig (08:08):

Yeah. And many of you are doing this, but also understand that, you know, your partners are going to do this to themselves too. And if you think back, you may have heard them saying things to themselves about themselves that were really critical. Right.

Margaret (08:23):

Just pick up on it. Yeah. "I'm so dumb. I'm so clumsy. I'm so stupid." But anyway, this poor Nick I guess he works hard and he's out of the house quite a bit, but he's trying to set them up for a future and he has no idea she's thinking these things. Yeah.

Craig (08:38):

And so it's helpful to understand that, you know, you look so much at the ex making the decision or your partner making decision to end it, but they were going through an internal struggle

Margaret (08:52):

You don't know what they were being told. She was being told that your husband really isn't that into you anymore. And it was absolutely not true. Yeah. He was out trying to make a living and trying to better them.

Craig (09:04):

Next thing you know, they've left you and you're like, "what did I do wrong?"

Margaret (09:08):

And poor Nick. He didn't do anything wrong.

Craig (09:11):

Yeah. So it's helpful to understand, you know, some of the internal processes that we have in our mind, the internal critic, right. You said is very hard to ignore,

Margaret (09:23):

Very hard to ignore. If you're having those thoughts and beating yourself up and beating yourself up as a, is a common way to say it it's never helpful and it could be distorted. Yeah. All right. So all sorts of things can be going on inside your partner that you don't even know about. All right. And it's not always about you.

Craig (09:44):

Absolutely. Right. Helpful stuff.

What If My Ex Doesn't Reach Out NOW? Does that mean they're over me? NO!

In this video, I'm going to be talking to about what if my ex doesn't reach out now? Does that mean they're over me? Well, obviously there's a lot going on in the world right now. We've got a big health pandemic going on. A lot of people are scared. A lot of people are anxious and stressed. There's a lot of financial issues going on and you're already overwhelmed with the breakup. And now you have all of this stress going on where you're worried about your health or your friends and family's health. It's pretty tough right now. And it's really difficult to go through a breakup, especially in a situation that we haven't seen since we've started the channel. It's been interesting for us to see how this has been affecting breakups. I did a little poll on my Instagram a few hours ago before I filmed this and I'll share the results of the question I asked in regards to hearing from your ex.

Craig (01:42):

But I just wanted to give you an update on what's going on with the channel. As many of you guys may know Margaret and I live in the Orlando area and right now in our area there, of course, practicing social distancing, and most stores are closed right now, except for what's been deemed as essential, like grocery stores and pharmacies. So we've been pretty much isolated and we are safe. So you guys can relax that we are doing everything that we need to do to make sure that we're both safe. Obviously, I'm more concerned about Margaret and making sure she is safe and isolated and she is so, but that's not why she's not here right now. I wanted to give you an update. Okay. Margaret and I already had a feeling that this was coming. I had a suspicion that things would happen probably a month ago when I started seeing it happen in other places.

Craig (02:50):

So I planned for that with her and we have filmed a bunch of other videos. They are ready to go. They're already edited and uploaded. So you're gonna see videos coming out with Margaret and I for probably another month or so with the both of us. And they're already filmed before this social distancing and people were supposed to be leaving their homes and such. So don't worry. Now this evening, a few hours before I filmed this video, I did a poll on my Instagram. And I asked if you had heard from your ex not heard from your ex or heard from other actors, but not this previous one. Okay. And as of right now, the results actually surprised me a little bit. There were 251 people that have answered as of right now. And if you guys go on my Instagram and answer the poll, I'll update it when you do that.

Craig (03:56):

Okay so as, as of now, 85, people had heard from their ex out of 251. So that was pretty good. I was actually surprised. I, I didn't think that many people would reach out. So 85 had heard from their ex's 251, 105 51 had not heard from their ex and 16 people had heard from an ex, but that the most recent ex, which kind of shows that people don't forget about you. We say it all the time. You have other ex's reaching out and please feel free to leave comments in the comments section if you've heard from your ex or if you haven't, or if you've had, have heard from previous sessions cause we want to know. Uh so if you go on my Instagram and answer the poll, I'll put a, whatever the final results are. So you guys can see yourself.

Craig (04:56):

But very interesting. I did not think that many people would reach out or use the Corona virus as an excuse to reach out, but they did. So that's a good sign. Now, a lot of you guys haven't heard from your ex and you're terrified I get it. I understand how hard this is. I know you're really scared and your feelings are probably really hurt. I was thinking about this and you must just feel like, well, if they're not reaching out when a crisis, like this is going on, they just don't care about me. They don't want to talk to me anymore. I'm never going to hear from them again. I simply don't think that's true. I really don't because the way people are in a breakup in a lot of situations is, if they're not ready to talk to you, they're not gonna do it.

Craig (05:54):

I don't know what your particular situation is. You might be in a place that is really struggling with it. You might be in an isolated place that hasn't had many issues come up. Yet. Many of you are hoping that they're going to care enough about you to reach out, cause they're afraid for your safety. But the reality is there probably not that scared for your safety right now. Okay. Doesn't mean they don't care, but just because they haven't, it doesn't mean that they won't reach out in the future. I really, we believe that because I just see how breakups go. A lot of the times where you could even be in like a car accident. Now, maybe it's not something major, but maybe they see on social media, you've been in a car accident and you've broken your ankle and you've sprained your arm or something like that.

Craig (06:51):

They might not even reach out for something like that. It's just this phase or place that your ex's in, that they feel like they've got to cut contact with you. Okay. They feel like they want, want to cut contact you, or they need to cut contact with you, whatever that person is going through. You know, it's a little bit different for everybody. I just know that, you know, if I was going through a breakup you know, years ago and my ex didn't reach out, I would be hurt. I would be sad. I would be disappointed. I would just feel more hopeless that the situation wasn't going to turn around, but I just know that sometimes something like this, even isn't gonna make them reach out. They have to go through whatever they're going through for whatever reason it is. And I know that's hard.

Craig (07:54):

And some of you, people may be angry about that. Some of you may say, well, you know what? If they don't reach out to me now, then I don't ever want to hear from them again. Hey, that's your right. If you feel like that, that's okay. You don't have to forgive them. You don't have to take them back if you don't want to. And you can just move forward. But I don't think it's as bad as it feels for you. Okay. And I wouldn't be surprised if even though many of you haven't heard from your ex right now that you won't hear from them and probably a month or several months down the line, when they've had time to process this and deal with this. I mean, you have to remember, they're scared, they're frustrated. They might be dealing with work issues or family issues with family members that have health issues or their own health issues, whatever they're going through too.

Craig (08:56):

Or maybe they're just at this point, focusing on somebody else and thinking that somebody else is going to be the most amazing person in the world. And they probably will argue and fight if they're quarantined together. You know, I'm going to be interested in seeing how people make it through a quarantine Ccuse that's going to be really stressful too. And we just don't know the effects of this yet. But I did want you to know that just because they haven't reached out yet, it doesn't mean that they're not thinking about you. It doesn't mean that they won't ever change their mind in the future. I know it's scary right now and it's stressful and we're all dealing with some issues. But if anything, I have found that more people reached out because of this, then I actually thought would, so make sure you go to my Instagram and vote because the story won't last forever, you got to get that in there.

Craig (09:57):

And I will post the final results when I get them. I'll put them on my Instagram on a story or I'll put them just as a post so you can see it there, but we're going to be okay. I know it may cause a major disruption for a lot of us, but you just have to stay home. That was the perfect time to work on yourself. Those of you have the knowledge workbooks, do them. There's tons of content. There's more than enough to get you through this quarantine and then some, and just take it easy, find any way that you can to find peace during the stressful time. And remember that we have plenty of videos that are already filmed and edited, uploaded, ready to go with Margaret and myself for at least another month or so, depending upon how often I release videos, but I will let you know that when we have started filming again so that way you guys don't think that we're not social distancing and taking care of ourselves over here. So I hope you guys feel a little bit better after this. And I just wanted to keep you updated on how the videos will be released for us.

Your Ex Never Stops Thinking About You

Craig Kenneth:                  00:24                   Today we're gonna. Be talking about your ex never stops thinking about you. Okay, so this is a question that comes up all the time. Absolutely. And it's one of everybody's biggest fears. Yes. Will my ex forget about me if I go no contact. Will they forget about me? Will they move on? Are they done well? I never hear from them again. It's scary. And how long do I have before all of this happens? Absolutely. Yeah, that's a good question right there, Margaret, that everybody's wondering how long do I have? Can I really keep this up for four months, five months, six months going to telling me no contact and, and, and I don't know if they'll forget me in a month or two months or what am I going to do? And you and I have had a lot of talks about this, but the bottom line is if you love somebody or you ever loved them where you were ever attached to them, you never forget about that.

Craig Kenneth:                  01:26                   And even though you know they might be tucked away as a pleasant memory, but you don't ever forget about them. If you love somebody and shared lots of stuff with them. No, they never gone. Absolutely. And it's really, really important for you guys to understand that. I mean, if you really took a moment and close your eyes, you could imagine your ex's voice, right? Like if I sit here right now and just think about my ex with the applebee's and then I talk about, I could hear her voice. Sure. Almost immediately I could call it pro voice in. Imagine what she might say to me. How would she might ask me, you know, all kinds of things because I knew her personality, the, the, one of the girls that I broke up that was like about briefly in the other video, I could hear her voice.

Craig Kenneth:                  02:14                   And it's been seven years. Right? You know, I can think of a girl that I dated 15 years ago right now and hear her voice like, like it comes up to me. No problem. You don't forget people that you were attached to. It's just not the way we're wired. No, it's not. Okay. So take comfort in knowing that even if you have not talked to your ex in months, they haven't stopped thinking about you. It could be a shirt that, that you gave them and they put it on and they think about, you think about your race or a TV show comes on that you still watch together or they drive by a place you used to go together. Something that you liked comes up. Uh, and they see it like there's a movie that, oh, he used to like movies like that, and they think about you or they be shopping.

Craig Kenneth:                  03:02                   And she said, well, she'd really like that. Or He'd really like that. You don't forget about people that you love. It just doesn't happen, right? Yes. Even in the movie, 51st dates, which crazy enough. Margaret, I didn't tell you this, but I had somebody that I've worked with recently that was dating somebody with the same thing with the same illness. Where you kept forgetting people. Yeah. Do you ever see the old movie? There's a movie called 51st dates came out years ago with Adam Sandler where drew barrymore. She kept forgetting things at the end of the date, so by the end of like the 50th day, every date was like at first date for her. Only day she remembered him or she started to remember him, but I actually literally did a skype with somebody recently who was dating somebody going through that. So he didn't remember at the end of the day, no, she didn't remember it, but the ironic thing is she, and there's.

Craig Kenneth:                  03:58                   We talked about trauma and another video. She would remember him, but she would forget things that her family did incentive. So there was something about the bond with him that she remembered him. She wouldn't forget him, but she would forget or anything. Her parents and things like that. And I think that there was a lot of trauma going on with that. He was kind of a lifeline then. Yes. But I can't get into that situation is very specific. But the point is this, even somebody that had a major trauma to their brain and whatever the medical condition is, I can't remember off the top of my head. They still remembered somebody and when they're having severe issues like that. So No, you've loved somebody that's about the most powerful bond there is. Absolutely. So your ex never stops thinking about you. They just don't, they, they may not think that they could work it out with you.

Craig Kenneth:                  05:00 There's no guarantees for that, but it's not going to be because they've stopped thinking about you were forgotten them up, put you out of their mind. Absolutely. No, you filed somewhere at least. Uh, I think I brought up recently that I had a guy have an ex comeback from four years ago and he's now dating her again. Yeah, right. He never thought she was going to come back now he wasn't waiting all that time. In fact, we were working together and talking about a different breakup, but the acs from four years ago has come back into his life. She wants to work it out. She's trying hard to get them back. So in today's video I'm going to talk about an email that I got from somebody recently that was shocked to hear from an ex and Margaret is also going to talk a little bit about our ability as human beings to remember people that we love and what that means and why it happens.

Craig Kenneth:                  05:53                   Right. There's a term for it that we call holding the right. Okay, so we're going to talk about that, but let me start with the email here. This is a good one. They said, hey coach, long time. No talk. Anyways, this is a success email one. I never thought I'd write in a million years. Hello. Well, just to recap, my ex and I broke up during the summer and I did everything wrong. Long written letter, grand gesture, blowing up her phone, you name it. I did it on top of that. We were in a long distance relationship for the final year of our three year relationship. I was a wreck and could honestly say that that was the one lowest point of my life. I lost almost 15 pounds. Student night eating, slept almost two to three hours a night and with literally pace around the apartment just to calm myself down.

Craig Kenneth:                  06:57                   It was a few days later when I stumbled upon your videos and I can honestly say that your videos where the beacon during my darkest days, how nice. I immediately signed up for your email coaching and it helped me out so much. I actually still look at it whenever I have self doubts about myself and my situation, how wonderful I learned how to work on myself and I can honestly say that I'm a better version since the breakup. I've lost a ton of weight. I've been on the Dean's list twice. I've read self improvement books and strengthened my relationships with friends and family. I accepted the breakup and used it as my fuel to not only be the best version of me, but to also move on with my life right there for him. Fast forward to eight months later, guess who shoots me a text out of the blue? Yep. My ex and boy, were you right when you said that they would reach out when you least expect it? I had to take a double take to make sure that my mind wasn't playing with me. She said that she's been thinking of me lately and to give me a call whenever I was free. Of course I didn't respond right away. I made her wait hours until I called her one hour for each month that she made me wait, lol.

Craig Kenneth:                  08:37                   Oh, that's funny. We talked for about two and a half hours. It was so good to hear her voice and I could tell that she was smiling on the other end. We basically caught up and picked up where we left off like nothing happened. I made her laugh with my corny jokes effortlessly and what did I just say? It wasn't so effortless when I said it and I could tell she missed me when I asked her what she has been thinking of. She said me and that she's never stopped thinking about me. Next time you wonder, remember this eight months, eight months, never stop thinking about me. She said that she wanted to reach out sooner, but she wanted to work on herself as well before she wanted to break no contact. She said that she forgave me for my shortcomings and said that she could have done more to help.

Craig Kenneth:                  09:44                   After realizing that she did a lot of things that factored into our relationship ending to grownups, how wonderful they did. They both did tremendous amount of work and I told her that it takes to and that I apologize for my behavior as well, which was due to my anxious attachment style. She said if I learned from mistakes, almost hinting like she wanted to give us a second chance. I said, I literally have pages of everything I learned, which of course came from your video. How Nice. We ended the conversation and have been texting back and forth. Since I'm doing my best to give her space so I don't mess up, smothering her and scaring her off, I played in. I plan on arranging a meet up with her soon, but I don't want to get my hopes up too high. Like you said, women's feelings changed like the clouds in the sky.

Craig Kenneth:                  10:47                   Either way, I know deep down I'll be fine if it works out or not, and that's the stance who need to take and that's because you taught me a lot. I'll be graduating from college in less than seven months, which means making big bucks and most importantly, I have the knowledge and confidence to move forward. I know my worth and if my ex fails to see that, that's okay. I can't thank you enough for all your videos, which I've religiously watch every day for anyone that is doubting themselves and their situation. Keep watching the videos. Work on yourselves and always keep a positive attitude. Take it from a guy who made every mistake in the book who was in a long distance relationship with his ex and said they would never talk again. It's funny where life takes you. Just remember to keep laughing and smiling through all the bs coach Craig.

Craig Kenneth:                  11:49                   I know the superbowl just ended, but you are the True Mvp, Aka most valuable psychotherapist. I look forward to more videos soon wishing you nothing but peace, love, and success from Brian. Well, blessed Brian. That's an amazing story, isn't it? Is and he acted like a grownup and it sounds like she did too. He's worked incredibly hard to sell and even this, even though the breakup was eight months ago, he still stayed on the channel. I cannot tell you guys how disappointed you're going to be if you don't stick to this. I talked to somebody this week who literally and I asked him to please write me an email about a situation because he literally was crying on the, on the skypes with me numerous times. Thought is x would never come back. Never come back. Never come back. She started dating another guy. Guess what? She came back and she hung out with him just recently and they wound up messing around and having a good time together.

Craig Kenneth:                  12:54                   So. And she's still not even over the guy she's dating, so she cheated on her current boyfriend with him, but he really thought it was never going to happen. And you don't, you don't give up that easy. You know what he told me? He said to me he didn't know she was going to contact them because we had the skype. Uh, what's today? Wednesday, Wednesday. So we must have had a Monday. He hadn't planned. Yann talked to her in awhile and months and like a month. Right. And she hit him up on Friday. So he had scheduled a skype with me beforehand. He said I just wanted to cry on the skype with you and talk about everything. I had no idea that this was gonna happen and now we're already hanging out again. It was the. And I said, people won't believe it. They just don't. They don't tell that this.

Craig Kenneth:                  13:45 There's a disturbance in the force. There's a disturbance in the force. There's no other way to put it or airwaves or something. Yeah. It's so true. And so he's like so excited because you know, he might, his might wind up getting back with her, but he's learning a lot because now he's thinking, I don't know if she's really going to be a good partner because now I thought she was such a sweet, innocent girl. She's cheating on her boyfriend with me and he thinks now that he sees things, she left him to be with the other guy. So now he started note, well I don't know if this is better after the breakup. Absolute later after the breakup. I remember that one. Yes. It's incredible, isn't it? How working on yourself is the most powerful thing you could do? And then he was at the ultimate point. Great. If it works out and if it doesn't I'll be okay. Yeah. And you know, I was hoping you could talk a little bit about, you know, everybody's concerned that their is going to forget about them and we set up front. You don't forget about somebody loves. Can you explain about holding the object?

Coach Margaret:              14:54                   Yeah. If you read a great deal about human experience as a baby, and we do know now from people being psychoanalyzed and from people remembering their experiences much more what it's like to be a baby than we ever knew before. Um, and if we have an average expectable environment when we're babies, we probably turn up reasonably okay, all right. But if it's not, if there's chaos in the family, if there are all kinds of social problems, people being evicted, people going in and out of jail that can get badly disrupted. If you're handed from caretaker to caretaker or if you're lifting your crib too long with nobody coming by to see you, it can be very hard to learn to hold the object object being the person like your mother, like your mother or your character or any consistent caretaker. Um, if you don't see that person often enough and your needs aren't met, you don't learn to hold the picture of that person and the other attributes of that person in your memory and in your head so that you can call them up to soothe yourself. And if the, if the truth is to be known that the way most of us soothe ourselves, although we've long forgotten it, is by calling up our mother or some other consistently comforting character. And

Craig Kenneth:                  16:36                   the problem is if you've had a cat parent or caretaker that wasn't soothing and had a lot of anxiety, is that doesn't comfort you to picture them

Coach Margaret:              16:47                   right? And when I think of some of the most distressed people I've ever worked with who find themselves acting out all of the time, doing crazy things, getting themselves in trouble with the law, getting themselves in trouble with their family and other contexts that they have. One of the things I've learned to ask is when you're distressed and you feel really bad, what do you do to make yourself feel better? Drink, act out, have sex, go to the bar, picked somebody up, and it's a whole series of things that probably temporarily make them feel better, but are ultimately self destructive.

Craig Kenneth:                  17:23                   Most people watch our videos. That would be a wonderful thing to do. Videos

Coach Margaret:              17:30                   king as a way of making people feel better. That would make both of us extremely happy.

Craig Kenneth:                  17:35                   I cannot tell you how many people tell me they will literally sleep with our videos playing and that we never go to bed alone around the world, but that's just wonderful.

Coach Margaret:              17:50                   And before we had enough technology for this, I couldn't remember a particularly distressed woman. I knew she was. She would act out and then she would be suicidal and then she would act out again. And finally I did the. Can you remember what your mother looks like? Can you remember what your husband looks like? She had married to a very nice man who could calm her down and no, she really couldn't if she wasn't with them. So out of desperation I got her to get pictures of each of them. So at all times she had a picture of her mother, a picture of her husband, and she added a picture of me and she wanted me to record something for her. So I rate her a brief passage. Are you ready from Winnie the Pooh? Okay. So that when she was distressed she could call up one of us.

Coach Margaret:              18:40                   And after about a year, the mechanism, the normal mechanism began to kick in for her and she could call all of us up at various times when she needed to know. That was an act of desperation on my part, but I can assure you I did it again because it seemed to work. The normal mechanism is to be able to remember and you hear a lot about self soothing these days and that's what it means. What do we do when we feel anxious and bad and sad and terrible and crazy. Like we can't stand it without doing something. That's when we need that soothing mechanism. The other thing that occurred to me subsequent to that is how many women I had worked with who would have more boyfriends over a year than was even imaginable. And I remember saying to one of them, how do you possibly get into another relationship when you haven't grieved the one before?

Coach Margaret:              19:36                   She said, oh, well, you know, when I end the relationship, it's over. I don't even remember what they look like. Which gave me a clue that in order to grieve, you have to be able to call up the object. She said, she told me the theory. She said once I break up with them, I don't even remember what they look like. So, um, it has extreme though. That's extreme. That's extreme. And this might be the lady who married the gas man after knowing him for three weeks. Not Getting. No, I'm not kidding. I'm absolutely not kidding. Uh, several of us in the place where I worked had been involved with this family and we all say three weeks and she marries the gas man. Uh, but her, her ability to relate and to hold the object literally was so poor. She couldn't grieve. So you might as well have this one as that one, but that is an extreme form. And I didn't treat her long enough to know if she would respond to some of those other things that we did. But this is wonderful that these videos are out there available 24 slash seven for anybody who needs them. That's wonderful. When I did my first one with the lady with the gas man, we, it wasn't, we didn't have the technology that we have now, so I had to relate to, you know, pictures and so forth. But this is just wonderful. Absolutely. Yeah,

Craig Kenneth:                  20:56                   it is. And I cannot even tell you how nice it is to hear when people say, I, I put your videos on and they play him through the night. I had a girl told me that today coming down. Yeah, I put it under my pillow. I put up on my pillow, I listen to you. Why? If I wake up and you're playing, it comforts me. What know? It's fantastic and wonderful. Yeah. That's why I have a playlist that's called listen while you sleep. And so if you just click on the playlist at, there was a lot of videos in there. So don't play throughout the night. By the morning time it will still be playing.

Craig Kenneth:                  21:33                   Maybe we should. Margaret Reads Winnie the Pooh, Winnie the Pooh or anything else you order up. That's funny. Um, but to reiterate, your ex doesn't forget about you. Absolutely not. If they're within the remote realm of healthy. Yeah, exactly. They don't stop thinking of, you know, and like I said, and I'm sure you, if you take a minute to do this, think about people you've dated. Even 10 years ago, you could call up their voice. Sure. You can call up there how they would say, I could do that right now. You got to remember how they take their coffee. Yeah. So I'm sure you know they're not going to forget about you. And so just because you don't hear from them for a while doesn't mean it's over. It doesn't mean that you can't work things out. It really doesn't.

Coach Margaret:              22:21                   And one of the things you've often said, Craig, which I think is very helpful, is no one breaks up with somebody that they don't think it over and say, was that the right decision?

Craig Kenneth:                  22:30                   Yes. I always really believed that your ex will revisit the idea of getting back with you, with you, and it really depends upon how you handle yourself, what you do and what you don't do. That's going to give you another chance of getting them back. You listen to friends and family, they're going to give you a lot of bad advice. They really are not that they don't mean well. They do absolutely dig do mean well, but they don't know breakup

Coach Margaret:              22:57                   and a lot of people want to just cheer you up, you know, because they don't want to shoot shit. They don't want to see you upset. Say Shit. They just say just get over it, which is no help at all if you would. Right? Absolutely. Yeah, and he was no good for you, whatever, but that's your decision and no one else's. Absolutely.

Craig Kenneth:                  23:14                   So be comforted in knowing that your ex is going to keep thinking about you. We had a situation in this email. We're eight months later, they came back. I told you about the guy from four years ago. The other guy recently who thought he was convinced it was done even though it was that long ago. He was absolutely 1000 percent sure it was done and over, but I know better and you know better. I know that may not be so.