Is My Ex Playing Mind Games?

Craig (00:00):

Today we're going to be talking about, is my ex playing mind games. Interesting. We're going to get into this today because a lot of times when we're going through a breakup, we could feel like our ex is playing games with us. You know, sometimes they are, but sometimes they're just going through their own issues. And so we could get desperate and want a definitive answer from them and get frustrated that they're not giving one. And a lot of times your family can pressure you and say things, all your ex is doing this, then that, and start making your ex look really bad when maybe your ex is really just genuinely confused and doesn't think the situation can improve, but they also care about you. So we're going to kind of look at that and explore some of the details or the minor details to figure out am I being played here? Cause you're probably wondering if you're watching this video "Am I being played?" "Is my ex playing mind games with me?" So we're going to talk about this today.

Victoria (01:48):

Exactly. So with mind games, there can be many ways to perceive this. And one of these ways is mixed messages like Craig was talking about. So this could be showing interest on one hand, and then on the other hand, retreating, they might be enthusiastic about meeting up with you and then suddenly cancel without any type of rain check. Yep. That's a big one. Yep. So this situation can be very confusing, especially if that other person is not making that solid decision and it can leave you kind of in a whirlwind of what do I do next? Are they just toying with me? Do they really mean what they're saying? Or are they just messing with me or trying to get a reaction out of me?

Craig (02:31):

Yeah. And it's so tough to tell when you're emotional yourself and you're really anxious and you're depressed and you're beating yourself up. It's really hard to think clearly, you know? So I could totally see why you would feel like, you know, you might be being played. You know what I mean? Nobody wants to feel like they're being deceived. And when you're getting those mixed messages, it feels like they're intentionally deceiving you, but it can just be that they're really unsure and ambivalent themselves. And so, you know, they could maybe think, well, getting together would be a good idea, but then they, and they redo it and then they think about it. And then they're like, no, I don't think this is going to be a good idea. And then all of a sudden they change their mind and get cold on you again. Whereas they really meant that they thought it would be a good idea when they said it and over time, whatever happened, they decided, no, I don't think this is good. You know what I mean? So it could just be reflective of their own internal struggle and how uncertain and indecisive they are themselves.

Victoria (03:44):

Right? So just because your ex is giving you mixed messages, doesn't necessarily mean that it's out of malice or an intention to hurt you. So another way that you might be perceiving your ex to be playing mind games is by testing you so many people who haven't gotten their needs met in childhood, or didn't get the love that they deserved when they were little, they might feel the tendency to test you to see if that love is there. And if that love is unconditional.

Craig (04:11):

Yeah. Cause they didn't feel cared about as a kid. So now they unconsciously believe that people don't care about them. So they want to test you to see if you care about them. And this doesn't just go for a breakup. This people do this in the relationship. And I think that a lot of the fake breakups that you hear about it's really about somebody wants to see if you really care about them.

Victoria (04:35):

That's a great point. Yeah. And this can be manifested by threatening to break up. This could be manifested by instigating jealousy to hanging out with people who were problematic in the relationship. So these are all ways that an ex might try to provoke you to get that reassurance and get their needs met.

Craig (04:54):

Yeah. And if it's really toxic, you can see like a lot of people bringing that triangle in there of a third person and they go back and forth between the people to make you jealous over that other person. And then they get close to the other person and make you jealous that they get close to you to make the other person jealous. So it can get really extreme with, you know, people that have like personality disorders and really serious mental health issues. Narcissists will do stuff like this.

Victoria (05:25):

Yeah. These are all things to look out for and be aware of to protect yourself. And this is not the mature way to go about this. There are clear ways to be open about your needs and wants in a relationship. But of course, this is all more difficult if you have an insecure attachment style.

Craig (05:42):

Yeah. Healthy people don't tend to play mind games. And so if you know that your partner was really secure and they communicate well and they're trustworthy and they're honest and they're transparent. They're not to play these kinds of games, but the more that they are afraid to be close to people, to trust people you know, that they had a hard time in their childhood with their parents. They're going to be more likely to play manipulative games with you.

Victoria (06:15):

Right. And it could also depend on the messages that you heard when you were young. Some people have outrageous expectations of relationships that aren't realistic. So they might impose those expectations on you. And you might feel like that's a game or they're trying to incite a reaction out of you. So just be aware of those things and try to take everything into context of what you know about them, what you know about their life, their history, and what your relationship was like

Craig (06:41):

And consider, did I see them play games with other people? Did you see them play mind games to other people? Because if you know that they do that, then you know that they're more capable of doing it to you, right? So you want to look at how they treat other people because that could give you some insight.

Victoria (06:58):

Exactly. And another thing that you might be interpreting as playing games is if you're currently in no contact and you're not hearing from your ex. So you may be wondering if your ex is silence in itself is a game. So you also have to think to yourself, if your ex is not contacting you or stubborn enough to not contact you, then they're not ready for that relationship to start up again. Their heart needs to be softened to the point where they are open and willing to talk with you and be mature about things and have that conversation with you about reuniting and about starting a new relationship with you. And if your ex is acting in these ways, you have to make a decision for yourself if this is the type of person in the state that they're in currently, that you want to be with right now.

Craig (07:51):

Yeah. That's a big point because you know, when you're going through a breakup, both people are emotional. They're confused, they're upset, they're angry, they're hurt and we're not in the best state. And when you've had a tough life or, you know, you didn't get a lot of love in your childhood or, you know, your parents were alcoholics or they worked all the time. Whatever the reasons were, we're particularly sensitive. And oftentimes don't know how to sooth our anxiety and have emotional self control. So we lash out when we're hurt and we're angry and, you know, chances are, you said something that hurt them and they said things to hurt you. And so, you know, it's just not a good place to try and repair things when things are so emotional and upset. And you know, trying to determine if your ex is playing a game in no contact can be difficult because you, you know, you're sitting there thinking it's like, are they still playing with me? It's almost like you're playing hide and go seek. And you're hiding. And you don't know if somebody is trying to find you. Yeah, exactly. You're like, am I playing? Are you still looking for me? Or you, you know what I mean? Do you ever play as a kid? And they take so long to find her, you think things like people used to do that the kids needs to be mean to the other kids and you're hiding.

Victoria (09:20):

Yeah. But it's true. This whole concept of playing games is really complex. And your ex might not even know that they are playing games or that they are messing with your mind. They might not know how it is affecting you. Yeah. And it doesn't always mean that they're being cynical or intentional by harming you or messing with you or making you feel confused. But it doesn't mean that you have to tolerate it or that it's okay. So you determine your own boundaries and what your breaking point is for when you say enough is enough.

Craig (09:52):

Yeah. As much as you may love somebody, you have to love yourself more. And that's so hard for so many of us to do. It is not an easy concept to really love yourself more. But you know, when you get to a place where you value yourself and say, you know what, I love this person, but I cannot allow them to continue to mistreat me. Now nobody's going to be perfect. Right. But if it gets to a place where it's toxic or abusive, and they're really hurting you, and the relationship is unstable, like, you know, at that point, you have to say, I can't continue like this and get yourself into therapy, work through your own issues. The workbooks will help you with that. The creative healing course will help you with that. Coachings will help you with that, talking about it. That's what we're here for, to help you do. But you know, we understand that many of you will have ex's that are kind of playing games. And you know, when you're in that position of feeling like somebody is trying to deceive you, nobody wants to feel like a fool. Right? And that, that is like, you know, not a healthy situation to be in where you feel like you're being violated that much, that someone will continually betray you like that.

Victoria (11:10):

You deserve to be happy too. And you deserve to have your boundaries respected. So the more you learn about yourself, the more you'll be able to determine what it is that you'll handle, what it is that you can't handle and where you draw the line.

Craig (11:25):

Yeah. And I think if people look at somebody's actions and their words, they'll see a big difference if they're really playing games or if they're just confused and they're struggling with things themselves. Cause I think a lot of people are unsure that part of them wants to be with you. Part of them wants to break up and they're going back and forth between it. I think that's a normal thing to go through and we, that they should know one way or the other, because you are maybe certain about, I know I want to fix this. You want them to be sure, but they're not. They're probably in the state of, you know, sometimes I think it could work out, but because of the way it's been, it wasn't working and I don't feel like it's going to change.

Victoria (12:12):

Right. And if they could say that to you just like that, and I'm sure that would clear up a lot, but you also have the right to, to ask them and be clear with them and direct with them. So the more straightforward that you can be as well and setting your boundaries, then the more that they're going to respect you. And the more that you can outline what it is that you want for your relationship.

Craig (12:32):

Yeah. Obviously we're dealing with some confusing stuff and when you're emotional, it can be even harder to understand what's going on. So, you know, take it slow, pay attention and see how things play out with time. Right? Of course, if you want to get our help personally, just go to my website askcraig.net, sign up for the coaching option that works best for you.

Will My Ex Think About Me On Valentine's Day?

Craig (00:00):

Today. We're going to be talking about, will my ex think about me on Valentine's day? Well, if you're going through a breakup, that's a particularly difficult day. Yeah. And you are pretty much obsessing about your ex that day. Unot necessarily where they're at or what they're doing, but you just keep thinking about them. It's going to be everywhere because love is going to be everywhere on TV.

Margaret (01:08):

Absolutely. You cannot get away from social

Craig (01:10):

Media. You see what friends are doing? You hear what friends are doing and it just makes you feel awful. Yeah. So you're thinking about them nonstop, right? And so you're like, are they even thinking about me?

Margaret (01:24):

Or have they just moved on?

Craig (01:27):

To me? I think how could they not think about you? Right. That's right. How could they not think about you when, even if they're not wanting to be with you, even if they don't want a relationship right now, how could they not think about the person that they've spent, you know, probably last Valentine's day with, for many of you and how would they not be able to think about what you did last Valentine's day? I think that's a big thing.

Margaret (01:57):

Absolutely. You're going to remember what you did last year. Yeah. Or at any happy Valentine's days of the past. Of course.

Craig (02:06):

You know, when a holiday comes up, I think we often are reminded of the last one, you know, last Christmas last, last birthday. Yeah. And so I think it's normal. And how could they, you just can't put a push that out of your unconscious.

Margaret (02:21):

No, it is impossible to move on and never think back.

Craig (02:26):

Yeah. And even though you feel like they're not wondering how you're doing, maybe they've said we're never going to date again. I don't care about you anymore. Even if they're dating somebody new, it doesn't mean that they're not going to think about you. It's just the way we're wired.

Margaret (02:42):

Right. It's the way we're wired,

Craig (02:43):

The attachment that we have to other people is just so overwhelming. Those intrusive thoughts, they're going to experience it too. Right. so it doesn't necessarily mean that they're to want to get back with you, right? We're not saying that just because they're thinking about you, they're going to want to repair things or then they're going to come back. We can't say that, but we really feel like if you leave them alone, it's going to impact them and they have to sit with that. Right. And we say that all the time, because we just know how important it is that, you know, you may be tempted to reach out, but I think it's more powerful if you don't reach it.

Margaret (03:25):

That's right. And even if they broke up with you, I think you pointed out earlier today. Great. They're going to wonder why you didn't.

Craig (03:34):

Yeah. I mean, I think that it's more powerful for them to feel that loss that day. That's right. Don't you? Yeah. So when you're tempted to buy them a gift, reach out see how they're doing. Just know that they are thinking about you. And I think social media is, is changing that too. Like don't you think people are going to be looking at you on that day.

Victoria (03:59):

Yeah, definitely. And you have to remember that spending Valentine's day with your partner is a privilege. So once that relationship is over, you don't want to keep giving them that privilege, that you're always accessible to them, even on holidays and special days, like Valentine's day, you want to have them experience that loss. And of course, on social media, they're going to be scrolling, seeing what you're up to seeing what other people are up to. They're going to be exposed to the same amount of, let's say, love propaganda that you are. Exactly.

Craig (04:33):

Yeah. I, I think that it's just one of those things that they may not reach out or, and I don't think they will reach out for Valentine's day because it's overwhelming. Right. Right. Like, because it's like, if you reach out on Valentine's day, it's almost like saying, "I want to fix this". And I think that's going to be too big of a step for somebody

Margaret (04:54):

Don't do it.

Craig (04:55):

I think that, you know, you should just expect not to hear from them, but that not hearing from you will really hit their unconscious and be powerful to them. Right.

Victoria (05:08):

Because they probably expect to hear from you on that day, like you were saying Margaret. Right.

Margaret (05:12):

Yeah. And I have often said to people, remember who broke up with whom, right?

Craig (05:18):

Yeah. Because even if they don't want to hear from you, I think on some level they do want to hear it from you

Margaret (05:25):

Sure they do. Right. Or at least know that you still find them attractive and wonderful and all of those good things.

Craig (05:30):

They want them back. Yes. So, you know, I think it's safe to say that most of you will know in the back of your mind, your ex is gonna think about you. Of course, you know, some of you that may have been in like a situationship or something like that, maybe not. But even then I think you're going to at least come into their unconscious at some point during the day, because we cannot wait, wipe out close relationships. It's just so easy for a thought to pop up when you're not even thinking about it. Right.

Victoria (06:05):

And romance is not something that you share with everybody. It's something that you share with select people. It's rare. Yeah. So on a day, like Valentine's day where romantic feelings are at an all time high, of course, you know, romantic partners are going to come to their mind.

Craig (06:22):

Yeah. That chemistry that you had, that connection, that feeling of, you know, maybe how good the relationship was at its peak and how long, you know, all those things are going to come back to you. Right. So I think we all kind of agree that your ex will think about you at some point during the day and wonder what's going on with you, even if the relationship ended badly. Right. Absolutely. Yeah. So we just wanted to talk about that and reassure you that we know how awful it feels. We know you feel like they don't care about you. I've been there. Right. I've been in the situation completely convinced that that person wasn't thinking about me, but they often will admit later on, "I thought about you all the time". Right. How often do we hear that? Very often. Right. And, and you feel like there's no hope, but you don't know what they're doing behind closed doors.

Victoria (07:22):

Exactly. And it can be very hard to keep that emotional self control on a day, like Valentine's day, but just remember it's even more important on days, like Valentine's day to continue to no contact and to have that emotional self-control

Craig (07:36):

Control. Yeah. I think so. I think it's more powerful for your ex not to hear from you.

Margaret (07:40):

And to give your ex the benefit of getting in touch with all of their feelings.

Margaret (07:46):

But it's going to be an emotional day for them too. And of course, whether they show it or not, I don't think they would show it. They want to keep their guard up. But that doesn't mean behind closed doors, they're not feeling that loss right. Laying down at night, trying to fall asleep, thinking about it. Cause they know they made mistakes too. Sure. They know that they cause problems in that relationship to fail. Even if they're putting all the blame on you, they have to get to that point at some time. Right. So hopefully this makes you feel a little bit better about Valentine's day. And just knowing that there's a very good chance that they're thinking about you wondering how you are, wondering what's going on with you and that they're struggling with that day too. Right? Okay. Hopefully you found this video helpful. And of course, if you want to get our help personally, just go to my website, askcraig.net, sign up for the coaching option that works best for you.

Do Feelings REALLY Change?

Today we're going to be talking about, do feelings really change. Big topic. I know so many of you worry about that every single day. And I could totally understand it because when you're in a situation like a breakup and somebody says, I'm done, I'm over this. I don't want to work this out. And you feel devastated and hopeless, it feels like that's it. That's the way it stays forever. Okay. So I got a quick email today and we're going to talk about this. Okay. And before we start, I just want to say, make sure you guys subscribe to the channel that way, you know, that we continue to grow and help people and push those other channels away. That spew a little nonsense, you know who you are. So let me get to this email.

Craig (01:40):

They said, hi, coach Craig and Margaret. I know you've talked a lot about situations that are hopeless turning around. Sometimes that feels like false hope in my situation. People talk about false hope. Quite often. We'll get to that in a minute. I'll let you talk about false hope. Do you think that even if an ex really says they never want to see you again, that it can really turn around? Sometimes I get scared that you just say that to make us feel better. Oh, okay. Well, I could totally understand why you would feel like that. Okay. you know, you guys have to understand that we are in a very different position than you are. Okay. You are on the end of a recent breakup and everything is terrifying. Margaret and I are on the other end of it and we see tons of people every week and we've been doing it for a long time now. So we see when situations that are really hopeless. Absolutely do turn around. I have seen situations that the person was like, I'm never coming back. In fact, we share those emails sometimes. "I'm Never coming back. I never want to see you again. I never want to have another chance with this" and they absolutely can get turned around. Now, sometimes you guys feel like that there are situations of false hope. "Well, You're just giving us false hope." Margaret, what do you think about that?

Margaret (03:10):

Well, I think it would be irresponsible of us to do that. And you know, we're more likely to tell you how it is then to give you false hope. And we have seen all kinds of feelings change. Have you ever been so angry at someone that you never wanted to see them again, talk to them again, know that they existed in the world again, and most people don't feel that way longterm over very many people, particularly someone they were close to. Okay. And people can say all kinds of things when they're angry,

Craig (03:44):

Or if they want you to leave them alone, they're just, they're cold. And they're in that moment. They are like, I don't want to deal with you.

Margaret (03:51):

You feel like you're chilled to your spine and you need your mittens and your coat. But again, feelings change over time. It could have to do with a fight they had with the boss that day, the way their mother treated the most of the time they were growing up, all kinds of things can go into the angry things we say to each other, but trust us, we would rather have you unhappy and facing the truth than try to give you false hope. But we believe that most situations have hope in that because we've seen it over and over again. Yep. Okay. Yeah.

Craig (04:29):

It's just about, you know, focusing on the personal growth in the meantime, and then when you get an opportunity in front of your ex, again, show them a newer, more attractive version of yourself where you're not dramatic when you're not begging and you're crying anymore and you're actually showing them, wow, you've really made changes. You've done things that you, I didn't think you were going to do. You've made progress. I've had people just recently that had drinking problems and they stopped drinking. So they make complete life changes and they're going into therapy when their partner thought they'd never get into therapy or they're actually working on communication skills and, you know, committed to being a better partner. And yes, that is a lot more attractive than who you were before.

Margaret (05:17):

One of the other things is it depends on what you think you deserve. Okay. And there are many people out there who got all kinds of messages growing up, that they were not good people and that they didn't deserve to have good things happen to them. And if you're one of those, even aside from the situation you're dealing with, you're a human being. You're a good person because you breathe and you are here and you deserve to have things turned around. Okay?

Craig (05:46):

Yeah. It's really, really tough because some people are so upset and frustrated about their particular situation that they get angry at us or how we see things. Now we are very upfront and when we say not, everybody's going to get a chance with their ex it's simply not going to happen for all of you. We wish that everybody would, but we don't say that. Okay. We don't talk about percentages unless it's been researched. We don't spew that kind of nonsense because you know, Margaret, her philosophy has been for years ever since I've known her, is that we can talk about and deal with anything,

Margaret (06:28):

Right. If we're willing to look at it. Absolutely.

Craig (06:31):

Okay. So that's how we stand about it. Some of you will not get another chance with your ex, but many of you will surprisingly hear from your ex again. And when you do, leave comments, so that people know that it does happen. Exes say I'm never coming back. I never want to see you again. They think that the grass is greener. Like they think that their other options are better or they just, they don't feel the same way about you. And then in time they realize how much you really did mean to them.

Margaret (07:09):

Another thought has just gone through my mind that if you have an experience where you have a parent who left you and disappeared, it would be hard for you to have a whole lot of hope about relationships, redeeming themselves. I could readily understand that. So if that's one of the things that happened to you, yes, it happened to you. And it was real. But actually that cannot happen again, since you've already dealt with that parent and most situations turn around and later in life that parent could look for you, all those things can happen. But if you've had that kind of a loss, it would be hard to hope. And you could say, what are these people talking about? People do leave, and just never come back at all. But not often.

Craig (08:00):

Yeah. Sometimes they do leave. It depends upon the situation because your situations are so different. You should see how different my calls are in any given day. Right? Right. It's just all over the map. If you sat and heard my calls, you would see that so many of them are extremely different now over any given month, you're gonna see a lot of similarities, but you're going to see a lot of differences. You know, I had a guy today that the girlfriend broke up with him right around the anniversary of the, one of the parent's death. So we had an anniversary reaction and thanks to the channel he was, a little familiar with that when I brought it up to him, you know? So we talked about that and, and how to, you know, navigate that.

Margaret (08:50):

What I want to say to this gentleman is you can't be that unlovable. Okay. You cannot be so that someone would never, ever even debate coming back to you. Yeah.

Craig (09:01):

Yeah. You know, there's a lot of reasons why somebody could leave a relationship. But there's also a lot of reasons why they could come back. Sure. You know, sometimes the person was frustrated with the way the relationship was going. They couldn't deal with things going the way they were. And they're like, I'm done, I'm over it. I have to get out. I can't keep feeling like this, but if you leave them alone and you let them deal with things, process, things, think about things and come back to you when they're ready, you're going to be a lot more likely to repair it or have another opportunity if it presents itself. So yes, feelings really do change all the time. And it's absolutely true. It's true for men. And it's true for women.

Margaret (09:52):

Absolutely. Think of your parents. I mean, you can remember both of your parents being extremely anxious, angry, safer for all sorts of different reasons and they're fine a day or two later feelings do change. Yeah.

Craig (10:06):

Yeah, absolutely. So I hope you, you know, feel a little bit better about this, knowing that a lot of times, time is a key factor in having an opportunity with your ex again, how much time it takes. It's different for everybody. And there's a lot of different factors, you know, and unfortunately our crystal ball still hasn't been delivered by Amazon.

Margaret (10:35):

No, we'll let you know when it comes in,

Craig (10:37):

Simply look at our past experiences with coachings and what typically happens with previous clients and how we've seen things.

Margaret (10:46):

Well, you know, I do have to say something else about feeling hopeless. If you feel hopeless for a long time, please reach out to some local therapists because being hopeless can sometimes make you hurt yourself or think about hurting yourself and we don't want that to happen with anyone. Of course. So if you can't beat the hopelessness, please reach out. Okay. Every community has some sort of a clinic.

Craig (11:10):

Absolutely.