Craig (00:00):
Today we're going to be talking about, is my ex playing mind games. Interesting. We're going to get into this today because a lot of times when we're going through a breakup, we could feel like our ex is playing games with us. You know, sometimes they are, but sometimes they're just going through their own issues. And so we could get desperate and want a definitive answer from them and get frustrated that they're not giving one. And a lot of times your family can pressure you and say things, all your ex is doing this, then that, and start making your ex look really bad when maybe your ex is really just genuinely confused and doesn't think the situation can improve, but they also care about you. So we're going to kind of look at that and explore some of the details or the minor details to figure out am I being played here? Cause you're probably wondering if you're watching this video "Am I being played?" "Is my ex playing mind games with me?" So we're going to talk about this today.
Victoria (01:48):
Exactly. So with mind games, there can be many ways to perceive this. And one of these ways is mixed messages like Craig was talking about. So this could be showing interest on one hand, and then on the other hand, retreating, they might be enthusiastic about meeting up with you and then suddenly cancel without any type of rain check. Yep. That's a big one. Yep. So this situation can be very confusing, especially if that other person is not making that solid decision and it can leave you kind of in a whirlwind of what do I do next? Are they just toying with me? Do they really mean what they're saying? Or are they just messing with me or trying to get a reaction out of me?
Craig (02:31):
Yeah. And it's so tough to tell when you're emotional yourself and you're really anxious and you're depressed and you're beating yourself up. It's really hard to think clearly, you know? So I could totally see why you would feel like, you know, you might be being played. You know what I mean? Nobody wants to feel like they're being deceived. And when you're getting those mixed messages, it feels like they're intentionally deceiving you, but it can just be that they're really unsure and ambivalent themselves. And so, you know, they could maybe think, well, getting together would be a good idea, but then they, and they redo it and then they think about it. And then they're like, no, I don't think this is going to be a good idea. And then all of a sudden they change their mind and get cold on you again. Whereas they really meant that they thought it would be a good idea when they said it and over time, whatever happened, they decided, no, I don't think this is good. You know what I mean? So it could just be reflective of their own internal struggle and how uncertain and indecisive they are themselves.
Victoria (03:44):
Right? So just because your ex is giving you mixed messages, doesn't necessarily mean that it's out of malice or an intention to hurt you. So another way that you might be perceiving your ex to be playing mind games is by testing you so many people who haven't gotten their needs met in childhood, or didn't get the love that they deserved when they were little, they might feel the tendency to test you to see if that love is there. And if that love is unconditional.
Craig (04:11):
Yeah. Cause they didn't feel cared about as a kid. So now they unconsciously believe that people don't care about them. So they want to test you to see if you care about them. And this doesn't just go for a breakup. This people do this in the relationship. And I think that a lot of the fake breakups that you hear about it's really about somebody wants to see if you really care about them.
Victoria (04:35):
That's a great point. Yeah. And this can be manifested by threatening to break up. This could be manifested by instigating jealousy to hanging out with people who were problematic in the relationship. So these are all ways that an ex might try to provoke you to get that reassurance and get their needs met.
Craig (04:54):
Yeah. And if it's really toxic, you can see like a lot of people bringing that triangle in there of a third person and they go back and forth between the people to make you jealous over that other person. And then they get close to the other person and make you jealous that they get close to you to make the other person jealous. So it can get really extreme with, you know, people that have like personality disorders and really serious mental health issues. Narcissists will do stuff like this.
Victoria (05:25):
Yeah. These are all things to look out for and be aware of to protect yourself. And this is not the mature way to go about this. There are clear ways to be open about your needs and wants in a relationship. But of course, this is all more difficult if you have an insecure attachment style.
Craig (05:42):
Yeah. Healthy people don't tend to play mind games. And so if you know that your partner was really secure and they communicate well and they're trustworthy and they're honest and they're transparent. They're not to play these kinds of games, but the more that they are afraid to be close to people, to trust people you know, that they had a hard time in their childhood with their parents. They're going to be more likely to play manipulative games with you.
Victoria (06:15):
Right. And it could also depend on the messages that you heard when you were young. Some people have outrageous expectations of relationships that aren't realistic. So they might impose those expectations on you. And you might feel like that's a game or they're trying to incite a reaction out of you. So just be aware of those things and try to take everything into context of what you know about them, what you know about their life, their history, and what your relationship was like
Craig (06:41):
And consider, did I see them play games with other people? Did you see them play mind games to other people? Because if you know that they do that, then you know that they're more capable of doing it to you, right? So you want to look at how they treat other people because that could give you some insight.
Victoria (06:58):
Exactly. And another thing that you might be interpreting as playing games is if you're currently in no contact and you're not hearing from your ex. So you may be wondering if your ex is silence in itself is a game. So you also have to think to yourself, if your ex is not contacting you or stubborn enough to not contact you, then they're not ready for that relationship to start up again. Their heart needs to be softened to the point where they are open and willing to talk with you and be mature about things and have that conversation with you about reuniting and about starting a new relationship with you. And if your ex is acting in these ways, you have to make a decision for yourself if this is the type of person in the state that they're in currently, that you want to be with right now.
Craig (07:51):
Yeah. That's a big point because you know, when you're going through a breakup, both people are emotional. They're confused, they're upset, they're angry, they're hurt and we're not in the best state. And when you've had a tough life or, you know, you didn't get a lot of love in your childhood or, you know, your parents were alcoholics or they worked all the time. Whatever the reasons were, we're particularly sensitive. And oftentimes don't know how to sooth our anxiety and have emotional self control. So we lash out when we're hurt and we're angry and, you know, chances are, you said something that hurt them and they said things to hurt you. And so, you know, it's just not a good place to try and repair things when things are so emotional and upset. And you know, trying to determine if your ex is playing a game in no contact can be difficult because you, you know, you're sitting there thinking it's like, are they still playing with me? It's almost like you're playing hide and go seek. And you're hiding. And you don't know if somebody is trying to find you. Yeah, exactly. You're like, am I playing? Are you still looking for me? Or you, you know what I mean? Do you ever play as a kid? And they take so long to find her, you think things like people used to do that the kids needs to be mean to the other kids and you're hiding.
Victoria (09:20):
Yeah. But it's true. This whole concept of playing games is really complex. And your ex might not even know that they are playing games or that they are messing with your mind. They might not know how it is affecting you. Yeah. And it doesn't always mean that they're being cynical or intentional by harming you or messing with you or making you feel confused. But it doesn't mean that you have to tolerate it or that it's okay. So you determine your own boundaries and what your breaking point is for when you say enough is enough.
Craig (09:52):
Yeah. As much as you may love somebody, you have to love yourself more. And that's so hard for so many of us to do. It is not an easy concept to really love yourself more. But you know, when you get to a place where you value yourself and say, you know what, I love this person, but I cannot allow them to continue to mistreat me. Now nobody's going to be perfect. Right. But if it gets to a place where it's toxic or abusive, and they're really hurting you, and the relationship is unstable, like, you know, at that point, you have to say, I can't continue like this and get yourself into therapy, work through your own issues. The workbooks will help you with that. The creative healing course will help you with that. Coachings will help you with that, talking about it. That's what we're here for, to help you do. But you know, we understand that many of you will have ex's that are kind of playing games. And you know, when you're in that position of feeling like somebody is trying to deceive you, nobody wants to feel like a fool. Right? And that, that is like, you know, not a healthy situation to be in where you feel like you're being violated that much, that someone will continually betray you like that.
Victoria (11:10):
You deserve to be happy too. And you deserve to have your boundaries respected. So the more you learn about yourself, the more you'll be able to determine what it is that you'll handle, what it is that you can't handle and where you draw the line.
Craig (11:25):
Yeah. And I think if people look at somebody's actions and their words, they'll see a big difference if they're really playing games or if they're just confused and they're struggling with things themselves. Cause I think a lot of people are unsure that part of them wants to be with you. Part of them wants to break up and they're going back and forth between it. I think that's a normal thing to go through and we, that they should know one way or the other, because you are maybe certain about, I know I want to fix this. You want them to be sure, but they're not. They're probably in the state of, you know, sometimes I think it could work out, but because of the way it's been, it wasn't working and I don't feel like it's going to change.
Victoria (12:12):
Right. And if they could say that to you just like that, and I'm sure that would clear up a lot, but you also have the right to, to ask them and be clear with them and direct with them. So the more straightforward that you can be as well and setting your boundaries, then the more that they're going to respect you. And the more that you can outline what it is that you want for your relationship.
Craig (12:32):
Yeah. Obviously we're dealing with some confusing stuff and when you're emotional, it can be even harder to understand what's going on. So, you know, take it slow, pay attention and see how things play out with time. Right? Of course, if you want to get our help personally, just go to my website askcraig.net, sign up for the coaching option that works best for you.