They Came Back and Ghosted Me

Craig (00:00):

In this video, we're going to be talking about, they came back to ghost me.

Margaret (00:48):

What are you thinking? Once it was bad enough?

Craig (00:51):

Why would you do that? People, this happens quite a bit. Margaret does you know, sometimes your ex will come back and they give you a little breadcrumb, something. Sometimes they come back for a little bit and it's hard to figure out their agenda. There could be a lot of different reasons why people do this. You know, it's hard to say because in these situations it's such a case by case basis. Yeah. Right. Because it is a very unusual thing to do to come back into somebody's life. After you've just left them and left them hurt. I would say you'd have to be pretty selfish to know that you've hurt somebody and then come back into their life again to disrupt it and then just vanish again

Margaret (01:36):

And do it a second time, because you were checking things out. Yeah. It would be a cruel thing to do. Yeah.

Craig (01:43):

Because if anybody reasonable is going to know that if you ended a relationship and you're the dumper, you've hurt this person and that, you know, you should be considerate of that and that you don't want to hurt them and make things worse for them. But then why come back and do it again?

Margaret (02:03):

To see if you can see if you can work it out the second time, I guess.

Craig (02:08):

Yeah. But sometimes I think it's based on that person's level of functioning in life that they're not quite there and they're not really thinking things through. Right, right. Because you'd have to not be thinking things through to realize, yeah, I'm going to go back and hurt this person again and then vanish. Right. It's probably not their initial thought. So I got an interesting email that I did an email coaching with that I thought you guys would enjoy. This is from a woman in her mid thirties that was dating a woman in her late twenties. Right. So they were together for a year and a half and, they got engaged after dating for three months. So that's already a major red flags.

Margaret (02:55):

Just both nervous. Yes. It's too fast.

Craig (02:57):

Three months. You're going commit to a lifetime together with somebody that you've only known for 90 days. I mean, right.

Margaret (03:06):

They must have been in that euphoric state. Yeah.

Craig (03:10):

So she goes on to say, we are now broken up and not living together. One of our major problems was that I mistreated her after we got engaged. So that's another red flag to think about off the bat. I mean, cause think about it. They got engaged at three months. So you were already mistreating her at three months?

Margaret (03:34):

So let's say once you felt secure in the relationship, you felt you could mistreat her.

Craig (03:39):

That's very interesting to think about. Right.

Margaret (03:41):

Right. They're engaged so she's not going to leave me now. Yeah.

Craig (03:44):

How do you treat somebody if you think they won't leave? Right. It's a good point. Yeah. How do you treat somebody if you think they won't leave you? The second problem was that she stopped giving me her attention and love. I broke up with her five months ago due to her not giving me attention or love.

Margaret (04:07):

Okay. He's the same person who mistreated her?

Craig (04:09):

No, she mistreated them. And then she said they didn't give her attention in love maybe. Cause you had been mistreating them. Yeah. It could be know something. You got to think about. My question is my ex reached out to me last Tuesday, just two days before my birthday, when she called, I picked up the phone super happy to hear from her. So it sounds like they hadn't been talking for months. I'm guessing based on that timeline about five months. Right? Cause he said they broke up with her five months ago. And then she came back around the birthday. So it seems to me about five months. When she called, I picked up the phone super happy to hear from her. She asked how I was and if I missed her, she also asked if I was seeing someone and wanted to talk about getting back together. That's awful quick.

Margaret (05:05):

Well, these folks don't mess around with time. They do not. I'm reaching out for the first time in months and I want a commitment or not.

Craig (05:12):

Yeah. I mean, it's just, wow. It, they're rushing into things incredibly quickly again. Right. Especially when it didn't work the first time. And, and already the demands, like, are you single? Are you seeing anybody? Let's get back together.

Margaret (05:30):

Right. All in one sentence. Yeah.

Craig (05:32):

She said she was not seeing anyone and missed me now. I don't see exes typically come on this strong. Do you? More often that it's like an indirect, direct approach. This was pretty direct. And so that's telling of this relationship though, right? We talk all day and night, not healthy either. And she seems to miss me and tell me, loves me on Wednesday. She asked me what I was doing for my birthday. Remember she reached out two days before the birthday, what I was doing for my birthday and wanted me to go away for that weekend. How many months? Five. Yeah, they hadn't seen each other. It sounded like in about five months. I miss you. You're single. Let's go away for the weekend. They talked all day at night. A lot. You could see this going on quick. I booked the getaway and on my birthday she said she had a headache and was not able to see me. So she comes on awful quick. And now all of a sudden she's got a headache and she can't see you for this weekend getaway?

Margaret (06:39):

Or wait a minute, let me be sure. I got it right in my head. The writer is the person who did the misusing or the other person?

Craig (06:46):

The writer said she mistreated her after they had gotten engaged. All right. Okay.

Margaret (06:53):

But she's not the one who's rushing into the contact. No,

Craig (06:56):

This is the ex that came back after five months. It seems to her, but she had been the one that ended the relationship five months ago. Okay. But so then they're supposed to go away for this weekend getaway and this girl who comes back out of nowhere, says I have a headache. You have a headache? You've been telling me you want to get back together. All right. So let's see what happens when I got home, I walked in to a big dozen roses and she popped out with wine saying surprise. And she took me to dinner and started saying her head was hurting even more.

Margaret (07:37):

So she canceled the getaway.

Craig (07:39):

Like she came home from the getaway. Right. Cause she said, when I got home, she came home from the getaway and she said, she pops in she's at her house saying surprised. And that now her head's hurting again. But you got your roses. Yeah. And wine. Right. Okay. I walked her to her car and everything was fine. We texted all the way until she got home. She asked if she can spend the night, the next day. And I said, yes, the next day I did not hear from her. I called her at 1:00 PM. And she said she was waking up and not feeling well and going to the doctors. Okay. So you say like, what's going on here? You sick. Something's wrong. She then stopped texting me. And I continued to text her. She said the doctor told her she had the flu and for her to cancel the trip this weekend.

Craig (08:43):

So this was before the weekend? Yup. Okay. I agreed and texted her to get home and get some rest. I texted her if I can order her some soup. And she said she didn't like any soup, maybe later. If you don't like any soup, why would you want it later? Right? Our next text was at 3:00 PM on Friday when I got home Friday night, I haven't heard from her. So I called her and no answer. I texted her and no reply. I waited until the next day. And still haven't heard from her. I called her and it rang once and got to her voicemail. I discovered she blocked me because even my text messages were not going through. Wow. A lot of bizarre behavior here. Right. I wrote her an angry email saying, why did she come back into my life saying she loves me and wants to work it out. And then ghost me. I told her don't ever call me again. I was done. So she had lost emotional self control there .sounds like she's got a lot of anxiety yourself. And she sent me an email the next day saying okay, I'm thinking the same thing. Aren't you Margaret?

Margaret (10:18):

I'm real confused.

Craig (10:21):

My family keeps telling me, it sounds like I was a rebound. And maybe she got back with her partner. Craig, do you think she will ever come back or do you think maybe I was a rebound and lost her for good? Well, this is a very bizarre situation. This woman comes back out of nowhere, starts messaging her a couple of days. Comes on strong shows up at her house with roses and flowers. Then all of a sudden mysteriously she's sick the next day at the doctor, but she can't reply to messages and disappears and can't go away for the weekend.

Margaret (10:59):

And her family must be saying even more than the other woman's family. Okay.

Craig (11:04):

Very bizarre. And then she finds out she's blocked. So you know, it makes me think that she might be onto something like this other girl, the girl that came back may have been dating somebody else. It was, they got into a fight. They were having some kind of issues and she, all of a sudden comes back strong onto her again.

Margaret (11:26):

When she panics about being alone, yep. Okay.

Craig (11:30):

Then comes back for a couple days, but because maybe that fight blew over with the other person now, she's like, well, I'm going to block her and disappears on her.

Margaret (11:43):

I'm getting my soup elsewhere. Yeah.

Craig (11:47):

That's the thing that makes the most sense.

Margaret (11:50):

It's really wild. I mean sort of like nobody has appropriate boundaries here. Okay. I mean, it's all or nothing. Either we're engaged or we're broken up either we're going away from the weekend or we're broken up. Yup. It's extremes. There's no middle.

Craig (12:09):

Yeah. And I will say that the girl that came back was very bizarre. We don't see behavior like this typically. And that's why I thought this is an interesting one to talk about because you know, the way she comes back so strong and then disappears so quickly.

Margaret (12:30):

Okay. I like your theory though, that that works, that she was really seeing somebody else and cannot handle being alone for 10 minutes.

Craig (12:39):

Yeah. That's what makes the most sense to me. The only other thing that I could think of that makes sense is that she hadn't been blocked. Maybe her phone was off or maybe she was in a place where she had no service and the other girl the one that was reaching out thought she was blocked. And so when she got that message, the next day, she was confused, like okay, like, why are you saying that I did this or what? I don't understand what, why you sent me this email. Go ahead. Because her behavior saying I'm okay. Is very bizarre too.

Margaret (13:18):

Right? Yup. Totally bizarre. And there's nothing healthy that you hear about this relationship? Nope. There's only three months till we're engaged then there's mistreatment. And how long were they together?

Craig (13:34):

I want to say they were together for, was it five months? Did they say, I think that's what you said. I can't remember. I know they got engaged. They were engaged. They were together for a year and a half.

Margaret (13:48):

That's a long time. So life must have become somewhat normal in between you would think. But we don't hear the precipitant for the actual breakup, do we?

Craig (13:57):

Oh, she said that she broke up with her because that girl wasn't being loving and affectionate towards her. Okay. So but I find a lot of strange behavior here. She comes back around the birthday. She comes on strong and then all of a sudden she's sick and she can't reply back to text messages. Yeah. Very bizarre. Yeah. I'll tell ya. This is maybe a little bit of a reach here, but the other thing that I wonder is, is this woman dissociating?

Margaret (14:29):

Well, I wondered that too that she changes her mind in a way that isn't even halfway logical. I was going to say one of them, or both of them sound borderline, and that there's all this intensity and I love you, but either I have to be with you and engaged, or I can't be with you at all. In other words, this is all or quality to it.

Craig (14:53):

There's enough unusual behavior to the situation that I'm thinking. There might be some serious issues going on here. I would agree with one or both of them. Did you get that vibe too?

Margaret (15:04):

Yeah, absolutely. So I don't think they should consider being together until everybody's had some help. What do you think?

Craig (15:13):

I think so. The vibe that I get from both of them is that there's some trauma, absolutely. From both from both and, you know, the way they rushed into this relationship, it just gives a very volatile, toxic sense. I mean, she admitted that she had mistreated her

Margaret (15:36):

And the one who was mistreated was the one that was complaining that she wasn't loved. Yes, exactly. So that says to me that somewhere in her experience, you can be loved by people whom mistreat you, which would certainly speak to trauma. Yep. And I would guess they have similar histories.

Craig (15:57):

But for somebody to come back into your life and then goes to you again, I don't see it certainly play out like this usually.

Margaret (16:06):

No, this is very unusual for us.

Craig (16:09):

If you've had something like that, shar it in the comments, it'd be interesting for us to see that. I think exes come back a lot of times and they're kind of wishy-washy and they breadcrumb you. But do you see exes, if you've had this happen to you, let us know where somebody comes back, this strong immediately in those first conversations, are you single? I want to work it out. The intensity.

Margaret (16:34):

24 hours. Yeah. The intensity is incredible. I, if we call it ambivalence, it would be absolutely ambivalence to the max. I feel desperate for you one minute and I'm blocking you the next. Yep.

Craig (16:49):

But you know, ghosting is a very painful thing to do to somebody. And, you know, like I said, at the onset of the video, it's kind of reflective of somebody's mental state that they would do that because it's very immature and selfish.

Margaret (17:06):

I mean, I don't know that anybody here is logical coherent, do you?

Craig (17:10):

It doesn't seem like it to me. I feel like there's massive trauma for both of these people.

Margaret (17:16):

So, and just because this is so charged and so intense, you worry about violence. I would. Yeah.

Craig (17:25):

Yeah. Well, there's no evidence to it, but I certainly would be suspect because she did admit mistreating, but didn't go into any other detail.

Margaret (17:35):

We don't know if that's verbal or shoving or yeah. Yeah. Well, we had a fist fight or what, but it sounds extremely volatile. Like Craig said intense, intense, intense, but not in a healthy way. Yeah.

Craig (17:46):

Yeah. So if you have similar, that happened to you, it'd be interesting. Share it in the comments or talk about if you were ghosted in your situation. So we could take a look at that because,

Margaret (17:58):

Or any insight about this that you'd like to share with us.

Craig (18:01):

Yeah. If you have a different thought about what happened in this situation, but I found this one particularly interesting because of the way that it all came back together so quickly and kind of vanished and almost as quickly as it came.

Margaret (18:18):

Yeah. And the woman has a final question for you, which was

Craig (18:22):

Do you think she will come back or she was a rebound again,

Margaret (18:28):

And those are not the only two options. Yeah.

Craig (18:34):

Do I think this woman will come back? Well, that's hard to say? You think she'll come back?

Margaret (18:40):

I do, Yeah. Cause craziness doesn't seem to put either of them off

Craig (18:46):

For me, the most likely scenario is that she was with somebody else and that she came back when they had an argument or it looked like it was falling apart. So I would expect to hear from her again, if that happened again. Absolutely. That's what I would think.

Margaret (19:05):

It happened again and it will, because you know, it's going to be just as crazy this time. Right. The other person, if there is one

Craig (19:13):

Good point. Yeah. That's a good point. But you know, whether or not you can have a healthy relationship with her is another thing. And I suggest you really work through your issues and get to a good place emotionally, because I think that this is just going to be another toxic charged relationship.

Margaret (19:31):

But you know, you can't do anything about what she does work on yourself. Be good to yourself. Understand your issues.

Craig (19:40):

Okay. So hopefully you found this one, helpful, share your stories with ghosting below. We'd like to see it and we could do future videos on it. If you like, let us know.

What If My Ex Doesn't Reach Out NOW? Does that mean they're over me? NO!

In this video, I'm going to be talking to about what if my ex doesn't reach out now? Does that mean they're over me? Well, obviously there's a lot going on in the world right now. We've got a big health pandemic going on. A lot of people are scared. A lot of people are anxious and stressed. There's a lot of financial issues going on and you're already overwhelmed with the breakup. And now you have all of this stress going on where you're worried about your health or your friends and family's health. It's pretty tough right now. And it's really difficult to go through a breakup, especially in a situation that we haven't seen since we've started the channel. It's been interesting for us to see how this has been affecting breakups. I did a little poll on my Instagram a few hours ago before I filmed this and I'll share the results of the question I asked in regards to hearing from your ex.

Craig (01:42):

But I just wanted to give you an update on what's going on with the channel. As many of you guys may know Margaret and I live in the Orlando area and right now in our area there, of course, practicing social distancing, and most stores are closed right now, except for what's been deemed as essential, like grocery stores and pharmacies. So we've been pretty much isolated and we are safe. So you guys can relax that we are doing everything that we need to do to make sure that we're both safe. Obviously, I'm more concerned about Margaret and making sure she is safe and isolated and she is so, but that's not why she's not here right now. I wanted to give you an update. Okay. Margaret and I already had a feeling that this was coming. I had a suspicion that things would happen probably a month ago when I started seeing it happen in other places.

Craig (02:50):

So I planned for that with her and we have filmed a bunch of other videos. They are ready to go. They're already edited and uploaded. So you're gonna see videos coming out with Margaret and I for probably another month or so with the both of us. And they're already filmed before this social distancing and people were supposed to be leaving their homes and such. So don't worry. Now this evening, a few hours before I filmed this video, I did a poll on my Instagram. And I asked if you had heard from your ex not heard from your ex or heard from other actors, but not this previous one. Okay. And as of right now, the results actually surprised me a little bit. There were 251 people that have answered as of right now. And if you guys go on my Instagram and answer the poll, I'll update it when you do that.

Craig (03:56):

Okay so as, as of now, 85, people had heard from their ex out of 251. So that was pretty good. I was actually surprised. I, I didn't think that many people would reach out. So 85 had heard from their ex's 251, 105 51 had not heard from their ex and 16 people had heard from an ex, but that the most recent ex, which kind of shows that people don't forget about you. We say it all the time. You have other ex's reaching out and please feel free to leave comments in the comments section if you've heard from your ex or if you haven't, or if you've had, have heard from previous sessions cause we want to know. Uh so if you go on my Instagram and answer the poll, I'll put a, whatever the final results are. So you guys can see yourself.

Craig (04:56):

But very interesting. I did not think that many people would reach out or use the Corona virus as an excuse to reach out, but they did. So that's a good sign. Now, a lot of you guys haven't heard from your ex and you're terrified I get it. I understand how hard this is. I know you're really scared and your feelings are probably really hurt. I was thinking about this and you must just feel like, well, if they're not reaching out when a crisis, like this is going on, they just don't care about me. They don't want to talk to me anymore. I'm never going to hear from them again. I simply don't think that's true. I really don't because the way people are in a breakup in a lot of situations is, if they're not ready to talk to you, they're not gonna do it.

Craig (05:54):

I don't know what your particular situation is. You might be in a place that is really struggling with it. You might be in an isolated place that hasn't had many issues come up. Yet. Many of you are hoping that they're going to care enough about you to reach out, cause they're afraid for your safety. But the reality is there probably not that scared for your safety right now. Okay. Doesn't mean they don't care, but just because they haven't, it doesn't mean that they won't reach out in the future. I really, we believe that because I just see how breakups go. A lot of the times where you could even be in like a car accident. Now, maybe it's not something major, but maybe they see on social media, you've been in a car accident and you've broken your ankle and you've sprained your arm or something like that.

Craig (06:51):

They might not even reach out for something like that. It's just this phase or place that your ex's in, that they feel like they've got to cut contact with you. Okay. They feel like they want, want to cut contact you, or they need to cut contact with you, whatever that person is going through. You know, it's a little bit different for everybody. I just know that, you know, if I was going through a breakup you know, years ago and my ex didn't reach out, I would be hurt. I would be sad. I would be disappointed. I would just feel more hopeless that the situation wasn't going to turn around, but I just know that sometimes something like this, even isn't gonna make them reach out. They have to go through whatever they're going through for whatever reason it is. And I know that's hard.

Craig (07:54):

And some of you, people may be angry about that. Some of you may say, well, you know what? If they don't reach out to me now, then I don't ever want to hear from them again. Hey, that's your right. If you feel like that, that's okay. You don't have to forgive them. You don't have to take them back if you don't want to. And you can just move forward. But I don't think it's as bad as it feels for you. Okay. And I wouldn't be surprised if even though many of you haven't heard from your ex right now that you won't hear from them and probably a month or several months down the line, when they've had time to process this and deal with this. I mean, you have to remember, they're scared, they're frustrated. They might be dealing with work issues or family issues with family members that have health issues or their own health issues, whatever they're going through too.

Craig (08:56):

Or maybe they're just at this point, focusing on somebody else and thinking that somebody else is going to be the most amazing person in the world. And they probably will argue and fight if they're quarantined together. You know, I'm going to be interested in seeing how people make it through a quarantine Ccuse that's going to be really stressful too. And we just don't know the effects of this yet. But I did want you to know that just because they haven't reached out yet, it doesn't mean that they're not thinking about you. It doesn't mean that they won't ever change their mind in the future. I know it's scary right now and it's stressful and we're all dealing with some issues. But if anything, I have found that more people reached out because of this, then I actually thought would, so make sure you go to my Instagram and vote because the story won't last forever, you got to get that in there.

Craig (09:57):

And I will post the final results when I get them. I'll put them on my Instagram on a story or I'll put them just as a post so you can see it there, but we're going to be okay. I know it may cause a major disruption for a lot of us, but you just have to stay home. That was the perfect time to work on yourself. Those of you have the knowledge workbooks, do them. There's tons of content. There's more than enough to get you through this quarantine and then some, and just take it easy, find any way that you can to find peace during the stressful time. And remember that we have plenty of videos that are already filmed and edited, uploaded, ready to go with Margaret and myself for at least another month or so, depending upon how often I release videos, but I will let you know that when we have started filming again so that way you guys don't think that we're not social distancing and taking care of ourselves over here. So I hope you guys feel a little bit better after this. And I just wanted to keep you updated on how the videos will be released for us.

Why Is My Ex Silent?

Today we're going to be talking about: why is my ex silent?

Margaret (00:49):

The first question we hear, isn't it,

Craig (00:50):

You know, it's brutal. It's absolutely brutal to go from having somebody in your life on a daily basis at any given time, you can reach out and know that they're there for you, to not being able to talk to them at all. And not only that, they don't want to talk to you. That's the worst part. They don't want to talk to you. And it's shocking. And it's like, how is this happening? Right. I can't even believe this is happening. So we're going to talk about this today at a quick email, from somebody that gave us the idea to do the topic. They said, Hey coach Craig and Margaret, I hope you are safe and doing well. I have been struggling with being isolated during COVID-19 and just wanted to tell you the workbooks are keeping me sane.

Craig (01:39):

I love them. Good. Thank you so much for saying that. I was hoping you could do a video on why we don't hear from our ex right away. I am constantly checking his phone to see if he messages me. Isn't he even tempted to reach out? I would think he would at least miss talking to me. Yeah. This is a big question that we have of why aren't they reaching out? Don't they even miss me? Don't they even think about me. Yeah. That's why it feels like they don't think about us because their behaviors just such a drastic change where they've gone from, you know, connecting with you and talking with you and having a good time with you. I mean, sometimes even the week of saying, I love you. And next thing you know, they're like, nah, I can't do this anymore.

Craig (02:32):

I can't do this anymore. But that doesn't mean I don't love you, which is true. Yeah. And you're like, but wait, what can we talk about this? And the more you try and talk them into trying to repair it the more they're like, no, I just can't. And you're you spiral. And I know, cause I've done that, but you really just have to let them go. Yeah. Yeah. Because any attempts at repairing it, now aren't going to work, which affects us on such a deep level that we literally feel like we're going to die without them. Right. That connection is what makes us feel safe. And so to say to somebody, you know, okay. But I'll let them go. It's like, what? Now? I feel like I'm going to die without this person. Like literally

Margaret (03:16):

Feels like a physical wound. Like something was removed, like your heart maybe. Yeah.

Craig (03:21):

Yeah. And so just letting them go is one of the hardest things I think you ever have to do because everything inside you, everything your brain tells you to do is to repair it.

Margaret (03:34):

You even get extra hormones for that. We found out that your brain says, your primitive brain says, get them back. Here's a little more energy to do it, get them back now.

Craig (03:45):

And I think that what causes your brain to have the obsessive thoughts, right. You know where these obsessive, intrusive thoughts keep coming again and again and again, where you just can't get off of this carousel of obsessing about them, where they're at, what they're doing, who they're with.

Margaret (04:03):

It's noon. Have they thought about me yet today?

Craig (04:06):

I know what it's like. It's horrible. It's the worst feeling in the world. And you know, like as your day goes, "I'm used to talking to this person at this point in the day", you know, like I would call the Applebee's girl, as soon as I was done with part of my day, I at a certain time every day. And then it was like, aren't they thinking about me at this time? How could they not be thinking about me at this time? This is the time where we connect every day.

Margaret (04:33):

Really saying I'm used to talking to them at this time and I might miss it a little, but I'm kind of glad I don't have to do it. Cause they're still in the relief stage.

Craig (04:41):

Right? Exactly. Which we talked about in another video with the stages of what your ex goes through in no contact, check that video out. It's a good one. But yeah, I remember what the Applebee's girl, I asked her, I'm like, don't you miss talking to me at this time? Every day it was like three ish, three 30 or something like that. And she's like, no, I didn't even notice. And it was like, ah, how, how?

Margaret (05:04):

I don't even know if I believe it. If you're used to talking to somebody at a certain time of day, it's pretty hard to,

Craig (05:10):

I, I don't, I don't know if I necessarily believe her either. She doesn't want to let the wall down

Margaret (05:15):

And that's another reason why they stay so silent. They don't want to lift the wall.

Craig (05:20):

Yeah. And we're going to talk about, yeah, we're going to talk about that, but it's so overwhelming to go from talking to this person all day, every day, to them not wanting to talk to you for whatever reason, it's just the worst. You know, you're staring at that phone and you're watching their social media. It was so hard for me not to look at social media and Facebook all the time. Even, you know, people will get so obsessed with trying to connect with them that they'll watch when people are online and offline, different apps like Facebook, if you see that they logged in, it's now like, Oh, okay. I know that they're okay. Or if they're online with like WhatsApp or Instagram. Sometimes it'll show you they're still online. And you're like, Oh, I feel closer to them. We're online at the same time. We're connected.

Margaret (06:14):

Oh yeah, it's horrible.

Craig (06:17):

It is. And then we look at their social media for any updates and where they're at, what they're doing. And we, we tell you guys not to look, right.

Margaret (06:25):

And some people will say, I know I shouldn't. Yeah.

Craig (06:27):

Yeah. But it's, it's not going to help. Especially if you're watching this like a story. If they know that you're watching their stories on Instagram or Facebook, I wouldn't do that. And be very, very careful. If you look at their profile, you should hear how many people will tell me. I accidentally liked the picture and now they know, and then they tried to unlike it, but I know that they saw it. So you gotta be so careful about that. 

Margaret (06:58):

And that's not a message you want to give them exactly. It's not a message you want to give them.

Craig (07:03):

That's fine. Yeah. You don't want them to think that you're sitting there obsessing about them and wondering about them. You want them to wonder too, like you're experiencing because that's going to be more of an impact on them, right? So you're in this emotional state where your body is in primal panic. Your brain is obsessed with where they're at, what they're doing. And every second away from them feels like an eternity and you just want to repair it and reconnect. It's so hard. And we, we completely lose ourselves in a breakup because all it becomes about is them, where are they at? What are they doing? Right. That we neglect our own needs. We don't sleep. We don't eat. You may have stomach issues.

Margaret (07:50):

People complain about indigestion of some sort. You can't focus. You can't concentrate.

Craig (07:55):

Yeah. Your body's releasing chemicals in it. It's good to be, to get active if you can, to help with the chemicals. Right? Yeah. But you know, your ex is silent for a bunch of different reasons and we have some really good ones today that you're gonna like, because it's going to help you get their perspective more. As you may have heard in our other video where we're talking about the stages of no contact or what your ex goes through and no contact there initially feeling relief.

Margaret (08:27):

Yeah. They're feeling relieved because they're worried about this for weeks and months. Right. And so they're relieved

Craig (08:34):

That it's done. The breakup is over. They've made their decision and now they're in a state of, okay, I'm sitting with this. They may not be happy about it. The initial stages that they're just so relieved that they finally, you, what was bothering them, that they made that they were able to do it. You know? So one major reason that they're not going to reach out to you, they're not going to contact you is because they're afraid that if they do, you're gonna take it as them trying to get back together and repair it. Right. You know?

Margaret (09:15):

And there may be one part of them that wants to, and they don't want to go through this again, you know? Yeah.

Craig (09:21):

Right now they're okay with their decision. Right. Okay. Now we talk about feelings changing and it's absolutely true. But in the beginning, you're, if they reach out, you're just going to try and change your mind. You're going to do more of the manipulation, more the begging, more grand gestures, more handwritten letters. And it's only going to make them feel more and more frustrated.

Margaret (09:40):

It worked for us financially. Look at the money you saved. And I was paying half the rent.

Craig (09:44):

Yeah. If you're trying to tell him that. But, and what about visitation with the cat? Yeah. Yeah. Anything you're going to come up with to try and talk them into it. Right. But that's just going to put pressure on them and they're going to put their walls up even higher when you're putting pressure on them to try and get what you want. And eventually they're going to get annoyed, right? Yeah, of course. Sure. But in this relief stage, they're initially just trying to separate from you. Right. And the other big thing is that they're not going to know what to say to you. That's right.

Margaret (10:20):

I think a big one. What are they going to say? Are you okay? I was worried about you when I heard about the virus or the hurricane or the terrible windstorm. Yeah.

Craig (10:29):

It's an awkward state because here we have one person trying to repair it and, and talk them into fixing things. And the other person is like, no, no, no.

Margaret (10:40):

And yet I can't even think about a reunion.

Craig (10:43):

So they don't know what to say to you. And even if they reached out to you often, even if you heard from them once a week, right. No matter what you got, it's still not going to be enough for you. Right. As the dumpee, no matter how often they reach out to you, you're still going to want more. If, if they reached out once a week, you're going to want twice a week. If they reach out once a month, they're going to want twice a month. It doesn't matter. You're wanting to reconnect with them. So no matter what it is, you're going to want more. And nothing is going to feel like enough to you, unless they're actually saying let's fix this. So don't get too caught up in. They're not reaching out that often.

Margaret (11:29):

I understand that it would be unusual for them to reach out at this stage of the breakup.

Craig (11:36):

Absolutely. Another thing is that if they left you to date somebody else, they don't want you to know what they're doing.

Margaret (11:46):

And they don't want to hear from you about how you feel about it either.

Craig (11:49):

Because at that point they don't care. Right. That's how they're going to feel that that's at least how they're going portray it.

Margaret (11:55):

And that's pretty often the case. Yeah. Yeah. Is there people, you know, did have their eye on someone maybe, or, or after the, the sense of loss of leaving you, they got right on a dating site, which of course makes the, dumpee feel like they're lost forever already. And we'll go off into the sunset with whoever this is.

Craig (12:14):

So a lot of times they don't want you to know what they're doing. And a lot of times they're trying to hide what they are doing because in a way, to use the expression, "They don't want you, but they don't want you to find somebody else." Right. And that's true because they don't want to completely let you go. Because if you find somebody else now, they're going to feel like, Oh my gosh, now I've lost them. Right. So it's, it's an interesting balance of, I don't want to tell you what to do, but I can't stop you from doing what you want. You can date other people. And then if you do, then they're going to experience the loss and they're going to be scared again. Yeah. So they don't want you to know what they're doing. They don't want to explain to you what they're doing. Many of us would probably be pushing well, are you going out? Are you seeing anybody else? Are you dating anybody else? They're going to lie in a lot of cases. Yes. They do. Boldly, blatantly

Margaret (13:17):

A lot of cases. Yeah. Nor is it any of your business at that point? And that's true. It really isn't. That's true. It's so hard to hear that this person has ended it with you. So I don't want you to be part of my life anymore. And why would they tell you anything

Craig (13:31):

Now? Sometimes it's because they don't want to hurt you. Right. That's a big one. Yeah.

Margaret (13:35):

Yes. And I think it is genuinely a big one.

Craig (13:38):

Yeah. I mean, they don't want to hurt you. I mean, even though they're moving,

Margaret (13:41):

You're not, it doesn't mean they didn't like you and have love you and have feelings for you. Yeah.

Craig (13:44):

I mean, sometimes they're angry at you for if you mistreated them or something and then they do want to hurt you. But generally it's not that they want to hurt you. And you know, they don't want to ruin things if they change their mind and want you back. So maybe they're keeping it a secret that they're dating somebody new because they think, well, if they find out, then they're not gonna want me back. Right. So there can be some selfishness, some guilt.

Margaret (14:13):

I don't think anybody wants to hurt their ex partner. It's hard enough to do it. It took them weeks or months to work up the courage to do it. And they, they said, they're sad. And they feel guilty because even if they've been with you for a length of time or a year or more say than they feel like they're still treating on you, although they'll do it, they still feel a little bit.

Craig (14:37):

I like that. Yeah. And, you know, energetically, you know, pulling out of the relationship and it's exhausting. Right? You want to talk about that?

Margaret (14:49):

Yes. and I will talk a little bit about my friend, dr. Freud and the way he thought about grief, whether it's a death or a breakup or whatever, is that you have invested a whole lot of energy in your partner and the process of grief, which takes time, is the time when you slowly withdraw that energy from that person and it's time consuming. And of course, if you do it effectively over time, you will become less obsessed and so forth and so on. But you've expended an enormous amount of energy through the breakup. And you don't have much left when you're in that, you know, relief stage.

Craig (15:32):

So they're not going to have the energy to contact, you know, and to see how you're doing or to see what's going on before all those reasons

Margaret (15:42):

They're still recovering themselves. And we forget that. I think everything's just hunky Dory with them. Probably not. Yep.

Craig (15:50):

If it took all the energy to pull out of the relationship and disconnect from you and then what would happen if they reconnected with you, you would be desperately trying to get that repair with them, which would be an exhausting thing. Couldn't do it. They, yeah. They don't have the energy. They don't, they're not in the right place for it. This is why it often takes time to retract the next and have another chance with them.

Margaret (16:16):

And it's very hard to tell people that it's going to take time. I mean, they, the first question is how long is this going to take? And now I have people who very politely preface it with, I know you hate this question, but how long is it going to take? You know, it just depends. It depends different variables, the length and the quality of the relationship, what your family history is, what your history of attachment is, what your style is, hundreds of things go into it, you know?

Craig (16:46):

And, what about the grief process, Margaret, you know, that's exhausting,

Margaret (16:52):

Utterly exhausting, and it's really no different from grieving. Someone who has passed away. Part of the grief process is slowly withdrawing your energy. Part of the grief process is reviewing the relationship. And that's very important. You think about when you met and when you had your honeymoon period and some of the wonderful times you had some of the highlights of the things you did together. You're also gonna remember the not so good times when you fought and things were difficult and you felt unloved, or like, you know, your partner was ignoring you. So part of the process is also to review the experience and the relationship. Okay. And all of that takes time. Absolutely. Yeah. And, you know, we're an instant gratification society now. And I think, although it's wonderful that we can find information as fast as we can. Some including human emotion require process. And I think we've kind of lost our sense of process, but you have to trust that process, the grief process, if you're reasonably healthy will take place and it will take place in its own time. Yeah. And you got it.

Craig (18:06):

And to give them that time to do it right. And in the meantime, you've got to work through it yourself and you've got to heal and you got to become a more confident version of yourself that you can show them that you've changed. And that if you get in front of them again, they're going to notice those changes. And they're going to feel that connection with you again, because you're not trying to manipulate them. Right. Like you were.

Margaret (18:37):

But when you're in that desperate state, it's very hard not to,

Craig (18:40):

It's so hard not to, we understand.

Margaret (18:42):

Right. But even if you've grown a little, it will be very important at your next contact. Cause your partner will see it. Feel, it sense it.

Craig (18:50):

It's totally normal for your partner, your ex, to be silent in a breakup. I would expect it.

Margaret (18:58):

It's no reflection on you. You weren't so awful that they had to totally block you out. It's not because you were awful. It's because it's part of what happens.

Craig (19:08):

And it's not necessarily reflective in if they will change their mind or

Margaret (19:14):

No. No, it doesn't mean a thing on that count

Craig (19:16):

Because we would expect most breakups, almost all breakups for an ex to need time and to be silent before they did an indirect, direct approach with you or reached out.

Margaret (19:29):

Yeah. Again, on the topic of grief. If you just look at religious practices, it tells you something the Jewish folks have an unveiling a year after the Catholics have an anniversary mass. And I'm sure there are many other practices that I don't know. So it's kind of like the world is saying, and the religions are saying, think in terms of process and think in terms of a year.

Craig (19:54):

Yep. Now we're not saying that it's going to take a year before y'all hear from your ex.

Margaret (19:59):

No, not at all, but it, it does tell us something about historical wisdom about the process.

Craig (20:05):

Exactly. Which is what we're trying to teach you is that breakups are a process and your job is to work on your personal growth as much as you possibly can and this time it's either going to show them and you'll get another opportunity with them again. Or you're going to be a much better, more confident version of yourself.

Margaret (20:29):

And of course, there's always a learning experience involved. Yeah. You know you may come out of it knowing more about yourself, more about the sort of person that you need to be with more about what your attachment needs and needs for closeness and distance. So critical. There are so many opportunities to grow, even though it's a miserable experience.

Craig (20:50):

Yeah, it is. Right. I do find that the anxiety keeps us driven though. So if there's one thing that I do love about our breakup, it's how motivated people are to change their lives. It's incredible. It's absolutely incredible. And you know, if a breakup was easy, you probably wouldn't think twice about it and really wouldn't grow as a person. Right? So use the motivation. Nobody would have a partner for more than 20 minutes, use the motivation to grow and to change and to become the best version of yourself. We have hundreds of videos on it, and we're always looking for new ways to educate you guys. But the more you're focused on the personal growth stuff, the better off you're going to be. And the better off your chances are going to be to retract your ex.

Margaret (21:41):

But I'm just thinking again about the silence. Any silence gives an opportunity for anxiety to creep in there. You know, and more, more opportunities for you to beat yourself up. And then you think, well, I haven't heard from this person for three or four months, I must be a terrible person. No, it's not about that. Okay. And you didn't make this decision.

Craig (22:06):

Nope. And we're here. If you want to get our help personally, just go to my website, AskCraig.net, sign up for the coaching option that works best for you. I do email coaching and I do Skype. Margaret is available for Skype coaching. If you feel like I can be helpful, please sign up. Just click on Margaret on the top of the channel to do that. That's it for this video.