Today we're going to be talking about: why is my ex silent?
Margaret (00:49):
The first question we hear, isn't it,
Craig (00:50):
You know, it's brutal. It's absolutely brutal to go from having somebody in your life on a daily basis at any given time, you can reach out and know that they're there for you, to not being able to talk to them at all. And not only that, they don't want to talk to you. That's the worst part. They don't want to talk to you. And it's shocking. And it's like, how is this happening? Right. I can't even believe this is happening. So we're going to talk about this today at a quick email, from somebody that gave us the idea to do the topic. They said, Hey coach Craig and Margaret, I hope you are safe and doing well. I have been struggling with being isolated during COVID-19 and just wanted to tell you the workbooks are keeping me sane.
Craig (01:39):
I love them. Good. Thank you so much for saying that. I was hoping you could do a video on why we don't hear from our ex right away. I am constantly checking his phone to see if he messages me. Isn't he even tempted to reach out? I would think he would at least miss talking to me. Yeah. This is a big question that we have of why aren't they reaching out? Don't they even miss me? Don't they even think about me. Yeah. That's why it feels like they don't think about us because their behaviors just such a drastic change where they've gone from, you know, connecting with you and talking with you and having a good time with you. I mean, sometimes even the week of saying, I love you. And next thing you know, they're like, nah, I can't do this anymore.
Craig (02:32):
I can't do this anymore. But that doesn't mean I don't love you, which is true. Yeah. And you're like, but wait, what can we talk about this? And the more you try and talk them into trying to repair it the more they're like, no, I just can't. And you're you spiral. And I know, cause I've done that, but you really just have to let them go. Yeah. Yeah. Because any attempts at repairing it, now aren't going to work, which affects us on such a deep level that we literally feel like we're going to die without them. Right. That connection is what makes us feel safe. And so to say to somebody, you know, okay. But I'll let them go. It's like, what? Now? I feel like I'm going to die without this person. Like literally
Margaret (03:16):
Feels like a physical wound. Like something was removed, like your heart maybe. Yeah.
Craig (03:21):
Yeah. And so just letting them go is one of the hardest things I think you ever have to do because everything inside you, everything your brain tells you to do is to repair it.
Margaret (03:34):
You even get extra hormones for that. We found out that your brain says, your primitive brain says, get them back. Here's a little more energy to do it, get them back now.
Craig (03:45):
And I think that what causes your brain to have the obsessive thoughts, right. You know where these obsessive, intrusive thoughts keep coming again and again and again, where you just can't get off of this carousel of obsessing about them, where they're at, what they're doing, who they're with.
Margaret (04:03):
It's noon. Have they thought about me yet today?
Craig (04:06):
I know what it's like. It's horrible. It's the worst feeling in the world. And you know, like as your day goes, "I'm used to talking to this person at this point in the day", you know, like I would call the Applebee's girl, as soon as I was done with part of my day, I at a certain time every day. And then it was like, aren't they thinking about me at this time? How could they not be thinking about me at this time? This is the time where we connect every day.
Margaret (04:33):
Really saying I'm used to talking to them at this time and I might miss it a little, but I'm kind of glad I don't have to do it. Cause they're still in the relief stage.
Craig (04:41):
Right? Exactly. Which we talked about in another video with the stages of what your ex goes through in no contact, check that video out. It's a good one. But yeah, I remember what the Applebee's girl, I asked her, I'm like, don't you miss talking to me at this time? Every day it was like three ish, three 30 or something like that. And she's like, no, I didn't even notice. And it was like, ah, how, how?
Margaret (05:04):
I don't even know if I believe it. If you're used to talking to somebody at a certain time of day, it's pretty hard to,
Craig (05:10):
I, I don't, I don't know if I necessarily believe her either. She doesn't want to let the wall down
Margaret (05:15):
And that's another reason why they stay so silent. They don't want to lift the wall.
Craig (05:20):
Yeah. And we're going to talk about, yeah, we're going to talk about that, but it's so overwhelming to go from talking to this person all day, every day, to them not wanting to talk to you for whatever reason, it's just the worst. You know, you're staring at that phone and you're watching their social media. It was so hard for me not to look at social media and Facebook all the time. Even, you know, people will get so obsessed with trying to connect with them that they'll watch when people are online and offline, different apps like Facebook, if you see that they logged in, it's now like, Oh, okay. I know that they're okay. Or if they're online with like WhatsApp or Instagram. Sometimes it'll show you they're still online. And you're like, Oh, I feel closer to them. We're online at the same time. We're connected.
Margaret (06:14):
Oh yeah, it's horrible.
Craig (06:17):
It is. And then we look at their social media for any updates and where they're at, what they're doing. And we, we tell you guys not to look, right.
Margaret (06:25):
And some people will say, I know I shouldn't. Yeah.
Craig (06:27):
Yeah. But it's, it's not going to help. Especially if you're watching this like a story. If they know that you're watching their stories on Instagram or Facebook, I wouldn't do that. And be very, very careful. If you look at their profile, you should hear how many people will tell me. I accidentally liked the picture and now they know, and then they tried to unlike it, but I know that they saw it. So you gotta be so careful about that.
Margaret (06:58):
And that's not a message you want to give them exactly. It's not a message you want to give them.
Craig (07:03):
That's fine. Yeah. You don't want them to think that you're sitting there obsessing about them and wondering about them. You want them to wonder too, like you're experiencing because that's going to be more of an impact on them, right? So you're in this emotional state where your body is in primal panic. Your brain is obsessed with where they're at, what they're doing. And every second away from them feels like an eternity and you just want to repair it and reconnect. It's so hard. And we, we completely lose ourselves in a breakup because all it becomes about is them, where are they at? What are they doing? Right. That we neglect our own needs. We don't sleep. We don't eat. You may have stomach issues.
Margaret (07:50):
People complain about indigestion of some sort. You can't focus. You can't concentrate.
Craig (07:55):
Yeah. Your body's releasing chemicals in it. It's good to be, to get active if you can, to help with the chemicals. Right? Yeah. But you know, your ex is silent for a bunch of different reasons and we have some really good ones today that you're gonna like, because it's going to help you get their perspective more. As you may have heard in our other video where we're talking about the stages of no contact or what your ex goes through and no contact there initially feeling relief.
Margaret (08:27):
Yeah. They're feeling relieved because they're worried about this for weeks and months. Right. And so they're relieved
Craig (08:34):
That it's done. The breakup is over. They've made their decision and now they're in a state of, okay, I'm sitting with this. They may not be happy about it. The initial stages that they're just so relieved that they finally, you, what was bothering them, that they made that they were able to do it. You know? So one major reason that they're not going to reach out to you, they're not going to contact you is because they're afraid that if they do, you're gonna take it as them trying to get back together and repair it. Right. You know?
Margaret (09:15):
And there may be one part of them that wants to, and they don't want to go through this again, you know? Yeah.
Craig (09:21):
Right now they're okay with their decision. Right. Okay. Now we talk about feelings changing and it's absolutely true. But in the beginning, you're, if they reach out, you're just going to try and change your mind. You're going to do more of the manipulation, more the begging, more grand gestures, more handwritten letters. And it's only going to make them feel more and more frustrated.
Margaret (09:40):
It worked for us financially. Look at the money you saved. And I was paying half the rent.
Craig (09:44):
Yeah. If you're trying to tell him that. But, and what about visitation with the cat? Yeah. Yeah. Anything you're going to come up with to try and talk them into it. Right. But that's just going to put pressure on them and they're going to put their walls up even higher when you're putting pressure on them to try and get what you want. And eventually they're going to get annoyed, right? Yeah, of course. Sure. But in this relief stage, they're initially just trying to separate from you. Right. And the other big thing is that they're not going to know what to say to you. That's right.
Margaret (10:20):
I think a big one. What are they going to say? Are you okay? I was worried about you when I heard about the virus or the hurricane or the terrible windstorm. Yeah.
Craig (10:29):
It's an awkward state because here we have one person trying to repair it and, and talk them into fixing things. And the other person is like, no, no, no.
Margaret (10:40):
And yet I can't even think about a reunion.
Craig (10:43):
So they don't know what to say to you. And even if they reached out to you often, even if you heard from them once a week, right. No matter what you got, it's still not going to be enough for you. Right. As the dumpee, no matter how often they reach out to you, you're still going to want more. If, if they reached out once a week, you're going to want twice a week. If they reach out once a month, they're going to want twice a month. It doesn't matter. You're wanting to reconnect with them. So no matter what it is, you're going to want more. And nothing is going to feel like enough to you, unless they're actually saying let's fix this. So don't get too caught up in. They're not reaching out that often.
Margaret (11:29):
I understand that it would be unusual for them to reach out at this stage of the breakup.
Craig (11:36):
Absolutely. Another thing is that if they left you to date somebody else, they don't want you to know what they're doing.
Margaret (11:46):
And they don't want to hear from you about how you feel about it either.
Craig (11:49):
Because at that point they don't care. Right. That's how they're going to feel that that's at least how they're going portray it.
Margaret (11:55):
And that's pretty often the case. Yeah. Yeah. Is there people, you know, did have their eye on someone maybe, or, or after the, the sense of loss of leaving you, they got right on a dating site, which of course makes the, dumpee feel like they're lost forever already. And we'll go off into the sunset with whoever this is.
Craig (12:14):
So a lot of times they don't want you to know what they're doing. And a lot of times they're trying to hide what they are doing because in a way, to use the expression, "They don't want you, but they don't want you to find somebody else." Right. And that's true because they don't want to completely let you go. Because if you find somebody else now, they're going to feel like, Oh my gosh, now I've lost them. Right. So it's, it's an interesting balance of, I don't want to tell you what to do, but I can't stop you from doing what you want. You can date other people. And then if you do, then they're going to experience the loss and they're going to be scared again. Yeah. So they don't want you to know what they're doing. They don't want to explain to you what they're doing. Many of us would probably be pushing well, are you going out? Are you seeing anybody else? Are you dating anybody else? They're going to lie in a lot of cases. Yes. They do. Boldly, blatantly
Margaret (13:17):
A lot of cases. Yeah. Nor is it any of your business at that point? And that's true. It really isn't. That's true. It's so hard to hear that this person has ended it with you. So I don't want you to be part of my life anymore. And why would they tell you anything
Craig (13:31):
Now? Sometimes it's because they don't want to hurt you. Right. That's a big one. Yeah.
Margaret (13:35):
Yes. And I think it is genuinely a big one.
Craig (13:38):
Yeah. I mean, they don't want to hurt you. I mean, even though they're moving,
Margaret (13:41):
You're not, it doesn't mean they didn't like you and have love you and have feelings for you. Yeah.
Craig (13:44):
I mean, sometimes they're angry at you for if you mistreated them or something and then they do want to hurt you. But generally it's not that they want to hurt you. And you know, they don't want to ruin things if they change their mind and want you back. So maybe they're keeping it a secret that they're dating somebody new because they think, well, if they find out, then they're not gonna want me back. Right. So there can be some selfishness, some guilt.
Margaret (14:13):
I don't think anybody wants to hurt their ex partner. It's hard enough to do it. It took them weeks or months to work up the courage to do it. And they, they said, they're sad. And they feel guilty because even if they've been with you for a length of time or a year or more say than they feel like they're still treating on you, although they'll do it, they still feel a little bit.
Craig (14:37):
I like that. Yeah. And, you know, energetically, you know, pulling out of the relationship and it's exhausting. Right? You want to talk about that?
Margaret (14:49):
Yes. and I will talk a little bit about my friend, dr. Freud and the way he thought about grief, whether it's a death or a breakup or whatever, is that you have invested a whole lot of energy in your partner and the process of grief, which takes time, is the time when you slowly withdraw that energy from that person and it's time consuming. And of course, if you do it effectively over time, you will become less obsessed and so forth and so on. But you've expended an enormous amount of energy through the breakup. And you don't have much left when you're in that, you know, relief stage.
Craig (15:32):
So they're not going to have the energy to contact, you know, and to see how you're doing or to see what's going on before all those reasons
Margaret (15:42):
They're still recovering themselves. And we forget that. I think everything's just hunky Dory with them. Probably not. Yep.
Craig (15:50):
If it took all the energy to pull out of the relationship and disconnect from you and then what would happen if they reconnected with you, you would be desperately trying to get that repair with them, which would be an exhausting thing. Couldn't do it. They, yeah. They don't have the energy. They don't, they're not in the right place for it. This is why it often takes time to retract the next and have another chance with them.
Margaret (16:16):
And it's very hard to tell people that it's going to take time. I mean, they, the first question is how long is this going to take? And now I have people who very politely preface it with, I know you hate this question, but how long is it going to take? You know, it just depends. It depends different variables, the length and the quality of the relationship, what your family history is, what your history of attachment is, what your style is, hundreds of things go into it, you know?
Craig (16:46):
And, what about the grief process, Margaret, you know, that's exhausting,
Margaret (16:52):
Utterly exhausting, and it's really no different from grieving. Someone who has passed away. Part of the grief process is slowly withdrawing your energy. Part of the grief process is reviewing the relationship. And that's very important. You think about when you met and when you had your honeymoon period and some of the wonderful times you had some of the highlights of the things you did together. You're also gonna remember the not so good times when you fought and things were difficult and you felt unloved, or like, you know, your partner was ignoring you. So part of the process is also to review the experience and the relationship. Okay. And all of that takes time. Absolutely. Yeah. And, you know, we're an instant gratification society now. And I think, although it's wonderful that we can find information as fast as we can. Some including human emotion require process. And I think we've kind of lost our sense of process, but you have to trust that process, the grief process, if you're reasonably healthy will take place and it will take place in its own time. Yeah. And you got it.
Craig (18:06):
And to give them that time to do it right. And in the meantime, you've got to work through it yourself and you've got to heal and you got to become a more confident version of yourself that you can show them that you've changed. And that if you get in front of them again, they're going to notice those changes. And they're going to feel that connection with you again, because you're not trying to manipulate them. Right. Like you were.
Margaret (18:37):
But when you're in that desperate state, it's very hard not to,
Craig (18:40):
It's so hard not to, we understand.
Margaret (18:42):
Right. But even if you've grown a little, it will be very important at your next contact. Cause your partner will see it. Feel, it sense it.
Craig (18:50):
It's totally normal for your partner, your ex, to be silent in a breakup. I would expect it.
Margaret (18:58):
It's no reflection on you. You weren't so awful that they had to totally block you out. It's not because you were awful. It's because it's part of what happens.
Craig (19:08):
And it's not necessarily reflective in if they will change their mind or
Margaret (19:14):
No. No, it doesn't mean a thing on that count
Craig (19:16):
Because we would expect most breakups, almost all breakups for an ex to need time and to be silent before they did an indirect, direct approach with you or reached out.
Margaret (19:29):
Yeah. Again, on the topic of grief. If you just look at religious practices, it tells you something the Jewish folks have an unveiling a year after the Catholics have an anniversary mass. And I'm sure there are many other practices that I don't know. So it's kind of like the world is saying, and the religions are saying, think in terms of process and think in terms of a year.
Craig (19:54):
Yep. Now we're not saying that it's going to take a year before y'all hear from your ex.
Margaret (19:59):
No, not at all, but it, it does tell us something about historical wisdom about the process.
Craig (20:05):
Exactly. Which is what we're trying to teach you is that breakups are a process and your job is to work on your personal growth as much as you possibly can and this time it's either going to show them and you'll get another opportunity with them again. Or you're going to be a much better, more confident version of yourself.
Margaret (20:29):
And of course, there's always a learning experience involved. Yeah. You know you may come out of it knowing more about yourself, more about the sort of person that you need to be with more about what your attachment needs and needs for closeness and distance. So critical. There are so many opportunities to grow, even though it's a miserable experience.
Craig (20:50):
Yeah, it is. Right. I do find that the anxiety keeps us driven though. So if there's one thing that I do love about our breakup, it's how motivated people are to change their lives. It's incredible. It's absolutely incredible. And you know, if a breakup was easy, you probably wouldn't think twice about it and really wouldn't grow as a person. Right? So use the motivation. Nobody would have a partner for more than 20 minutes, use the motivation to grow and to change and to become the best version of yourself. We have hundreds of videos on it, and we're always looking for new ways to educate you guys. But the more you're focused on the personal growth stuff, the better off you're going to be. And the better off your chances are going to be to retract your ex.
Margaret (21:41):
But I'm just thinking again about the silence. Any silence gives an opportunity for anxiety to creep in there. You know, and more, more opportunities for you to beat yourself up. And then you think, well, I haven't heard from this person for three or four months, I must be a terrible person. No, it's not about that. Okay. And you didn't make this decision.
Craig (22:06):
Nope. And we're here. If you want to get our help personally, just go to my website, AskCraig.net, sign up for the coaching option that works best for you. I do email coaching and I do Skype. Margaret is available for Skype coaching. If you feel like I can be helpful, please sign up. Just click on Margaret on the top of the channel to do that. That's it for this video.