No Contact Works on Everyone

Today we're going to be talking about no contact works on everyone. So this is a big topic, Margaret. Yes, it is. You know, obviously no contact is something that many people will discuss in breakups. We understand there are a lot of people that talk about breakups out there, not even just online, but you know, maybe people that run local coaching services and such like that. So no contact. We're going to talk about our version of No Contact and kind of review it and get into this because it's really essential to understanding what it means, why you're supposed to do. And does it work on everyone? Well, the answer isn't as simple as yes or no, but I think you'll find it interesting what we have to say about that. Right. I got a quick email before we start.

Craig (01:41):

I want to get to from a fan that just said, hi Craig, I've been watching all the breakup expert out there for a few weeks and have to say you and Margaret are by far the best. Well, thank you very much, whoever you are. I am in therapy to help me cope with my breakup and it helps, but you both are even much better than they are. How do I explain this Margaret? Well, I think the only thing we can say is that at this point in our lives, we focus pretty exclusively on this particular phenomenon. Exactly. And your general therapist may have to deal with six different problems during the day. That's true. And you know, it's like anything, any career in life, not everybody is equal. No, you're not going to have doctors that are equal or dentists or lawyers, Margaret and I are very passionate about what we do and helping you guys and always continuing to learn and educate ourselves to get better at this.

Craig (02:38):

So we focus on breakups right now. And so we know the ins and outs of it, and we see what happens on a daily basis. Whereas the therapist might only come into a breakup situation once every couple of months and they don't know how to navigate, but I was happy to hear that you said it was helping. Absolutely. Don't don't quit. Yes, exactly. They say you truly have helped me change my life in such a short amount of time. I bought myself the knowledge workbooks and it's my new year's resolution to get all 10 done. Wow. That's a big job. It is. It's about 500 pages, I think. And there's 94 videos covered in all 10. So that's a lot of work. Right? I have a topic that I was hoping you both could do a video on. I've seen some other videos that no contact works on everyone. Could you do your take on that topic? So we took that email. We decided to do a video for you. Okay. So first of all, let's talk about our version of no contact. Okay? We don't ever tell you guys to ignore an ex and they're harassing you. Okay. But in most situations, we're simply saying, stop reaching out to them. If they want to contact you, let them do it on their terms. Right.

Margaret (04:03):

As long as it's on their terms, it works. Don't chase it.

Craig (04:07):

We're not telling you to ignore them. We're not telling you to ignore them within a 30 day period or in what you've heard recently, a 45 day period. And if they reach out in that time that you have to ignore them, I do not agree with that at all. I think it's foolish. And I think it's naive to ignore somebody when they're making a bid to try and repair things with you.

New Speaker (04:32):

And bid, if you will is Susan Johnson's word, our friend, Susan Johnson from Canada to make a bid is to reach out, to connect emotionally, to have some kind of an interaction.

Craig (04:45):

And what you have to understand is that even though your ex feels like they have the power in this situation, or at least they did at the time of the breakup, if time has passed, they don't know what you're thinking, what you're feeling, what you're doing. And then they actually become insecure and wonder if they should reach out that's right. And that's why I have come up with the term, the indirect direct approach, where they want to directly reach out to you by making some kind of contact with you. But they don't know how to say I miss you. Or I was hoping we could talk. They say, how's the cat? Or have I got a piece of mail for you? Yeah, I do. You have that car key, my extra car key. I hear all kinds of excuses, but the indirect direct approach, and this is really important that you understand it is a confusing thing.

Craig (05:50):

Okay? It's not, we've got to pay the mortgage this month. Okay. Some people get confused and like my ex me, because I have to split the car payment with them, is that them wanting to repair things? Not likely, no. If they have a business related issue like a bill or a mortgage or health insurance or something, they need to have contact with you. The indirect direct approaches are often head scratchers. Like you're, they're disguised so well. You're like, wait a minute. Is this a, because they really need the key back for the car. I actually had this one spare car key about a month ago with an avoidant and an avoidant woman said, I didn't want to reach out and say, you know, I want to see you. So they acted like it was about the car key, but it wasn't. If she was able to say that she told me that she was actually one of the most insightful avoidants that I've had.

Craig (06:45):

In fact, I had an equally impressive avoidant this past week, which we haven't set to talk about, but I'm hoping they do a coaching with you because I was actually blown away by the amount of work they've done. And I told them that it was just, you can recover. And you know, guys, there are a lot of people out there that are avoidant that are on the channel now cause they were broken up with yeah. And they're changing their life. And if you're one of those people, share a comment. So people realize that avoidants can get motivated to change. And it's also helpful to let us know what worked for you.

Craig (07:22):

To review, we don't want you to reach out to somebody after they've broken up with you. That's our version of no contact, but we don't want you to ignore them. Okay. And we have no timeframes for any of it. Exactly. We don't believe in a 30 day or a 45 day window or something like that. Now why does no contact work on everyone? When I say that it does. Here's what I mean. Okay. It doesn't necessarily mean your ex is going to change your mind and want you back. However, what happens in many, many cases, I would say probably even most is if they have sat with their decision for some time and you're no longer chasing them and reaching out, they actually become the person that is scared that you have moved on. Right. Okay. Right. When that happens, they can't avoid the feelings of anxiety and that hard wired biological component that we have that when we're feeling disconnected from our partner, we feel that terror and we want to reach out quickly.

Craig (08:41):

Yes. So what you might even see is when your ex does reach out, if you don't reply right away, and maybe you wait three or four hours or even the next day or something like that, they might send you another message because then they are anxious. They're no longer in the driver's seat. And now they're like, Oh my God, I'm going to lose them. And I can't tell you how many times I've seen that, but it takes real patience and strength to get to that place. Because the hardest part about it is your ex might not reach out. Right?

Margaret (09:18):

What if, what if so-and-so never reaches out? We can't control that. You can only control what you do.

Craig (09:24):

Okay. But we really believe that allowing that person, the time to miss you and to regret things and then to think, Oh my gosh, they don't want me back. Ironically, it's like a switch. Right? And I see that a lot.

Margaret (09:43):

Right? It's a switch, right? The switch goes on

Craig (09:45):

And now it's like all of a sudden, the shoe is on the other foot and you're going to see your ex get anxious. Now that's not always gonna happen, but it does happen a lot because every situation is so unique. Your ex may only have a window of opportunity open for so long before they say, you know what? It's not going to work. They probably haven't changed. Right. So we don't want you to prolong things away, wait a week to reply or anything like that, because then your window of opportunity might be gone. Right. We just don't know. So this is a more of a general idea. So you can see that to some extent it does work on everyone because that feeling of anxiety can't be turned off. Nope.

Margaret (10:30):

It's, we're wired that way. And some people say, well, I don't know if he's thought of me in the entire month that we've been broken up. You can be sure he has. Okay. Or she has, they don't just say, Oh, well it was nice being with George or Georgina and I'll move on with my life. Now. We're not made that way we attach.

Craig (10:48):

Yes. And even, you know, you have to think about it. If they were upset and angry at you, maybe they were fed up with you because you had been continuing to do something that upset them, that anger subsides in time. Right. You know, not always because sometimes people say they have to move on, but in many cases it does subside. And then what happens? Their feelings change. Right. But if you're chasing them, if they think that they still have you, if you are stalking them and you're trying to do a handwritten letter or grand gesture, they know they still have you. And then they don't worry about you. Like they would, if you were just leave them alone.

Margaret (11:33):

And I've had many people say to me, well, what sense does it make to not have contact with somebody you want to return to you? It does make sense in another way. You want them to sit with their decision. Okay. As you have often said, people can feel like they want more space and make a to break up. And then in six weeks, six months or however long it takes, they begin to get anxious. They begin to realize this is more space from you than they wanted. And they will reach out to you.

Craig (12:05):

Yes. And there are many, many cases where your ex will break up with you to be with somebody else or start dating other people right away. And they think it's going to be amazing. They're posting social media. That it's amazing. I've even seen people get engaged and then it doesn't work out. And they usually return to the ex and revisit them. They take a look and they're wondering, have you changed, have their feelings for you changed? What would it be like to see you? A lot of times they think I'm over this person. I don't want them back. Then you say, Hey, why don't we get together? And you do. And you show them the side of yourself that they hadn't seen in a long time. And then they're like, you know what? I actually had a great time tonight and I hope I get to see them again. And then you take it from there. Right?

Margaret (13:01):

I talked with someone today who was having a hard time, trying to figure out how this makes sense, no contact to get them back sounds kind of crazy on the surface of it. Sure it does. But finally I said to her, every time he talks to you, he gets a fix and it takes care of his anxiety. So he's okay. Again, for a few weeks, don't give him that you want him to miss you and you want him to have to act on it. She finally, it finally became clear with her.

Craig (13:27):

Yeah. And when I tell you guys my suggestions on how handled things and I'm sure Margaret does too. I tell you from the perspective what I would do. Okay. You have to imagine, I deal with breakups all day, every day. And I'm telling you what I have found to be the most effective and what I would personally do if somebody did this to me. So you could imagine, of course, I'm going to try and put myself in the best position to turn things around if that's what I want. So I'm telling you what I would do here, what I found to be the most effective. And that's what I do when I'm navigating your situations. Is I think about how would I handle your situation if I woke up in your body and I'll tell you guys that I woke up in your situation tomorrow, what would I do? And this is what it is. And I would genuinely think about putting myself there, because if you can see how I would navigate it, you're going to say, okay, he knows what he's talking about. He's obviously dealt with this a lot. He's not going to do anything that's going to put himself in a bad position. Right? So by getting into your situation, it helps me navigate.

Margaret (14:34):

Sometimes when people say, I don't think that person has thought of me in the month, we've been broken up. I want to say, Oh honey, you're not that forgettable. And you're not that unlovable. Don't sell yourself short. If this person spent even months, you, they can't forget you in two minutes. Yeah.

Craig (14:54):

And I, I think it's important that we can't tell that to them too much. Right. Because I know what it feels like to go through that where, you know, when I was broken up with the, the Applebee's girl, for example, I didn't think she was thinking about me. And then I think a one call, I even remember saying to her, because at a certain time of the day I would always call her or when I got out of work and I would say to her, don't you think about me at this time every day when normally I should be calling? And she said, no, she said she didn't. And I believed her, but I don't now I don't believe her for one minute. No, no. At the time I thought, Oh my gosh, she really doesn't even think about me, but now I know she just didn't want to let her guard down. Right. She didn't want to tell me that

Margaret (15:39):

She didn't want to tell you herself. Yeah. But if somebody becomes that big a part of your life that they call you at the same time every day, you don't just forget that in minutes, whatever she said. No.

Craig (15:50):

And I really did believe it back then, but I mean, that was probably eight years ago now, a little over eight years ago. And so I didn't understand this stuff, but now I would know, first of all, I wouldn't have asked her because I knew, I know now she would just put her walls up. She's not going to want to tell me that because she's not going to want to lower her guard and then have me persue her.

Margaret (16:13):

And she didn't want to reinvest either

Craig (16:15):

At that time, which I did get an unusual, indirect, direct approach about which Margaret is actually there for me. I think the day that it happened. Yeah. I remember I, you know, it's so traumatizing. I literally remember where I was and what happened when I got that message. I can remember it. Exactly. And that was eight years ago. So, but then we talked about it and you know, now I understand it was an indirect, direct approach. He was revisiting, she was looking at me as she was, and I didn't handle it well, cause that's when I went to Applebee's and I was crying, but I did kind of know to go no contact. Right. And even back then, I did go no contact after my initial attempts with the grand gesture. And do you know, trying to talk to her about things wasn't working. And if I knew now,

Margaret (17:11):

Right. What you didn't know then

Craig (17:13):

Exactly. I would have been much more likely to turn it around and have another chance with it, but I've seen it time and time again. No contact works on just about everybody. It doesn't mean they're going to want you back. But at some point they're probably gonna think, you know what? I don't know if it was the right decision. Of course every situation is so different. So it's tough to say that, you know what I mean?

Margaret (17:42):

It's hard to know if it's the right decision. If you've been intimate with somebody and spent lots of time with them, it's a huge decision.

Craig (17:50):

I mean, if you've only dated somebody for three weeks, yeah. It's not going to be as powerful as if you dated somebody for three years. Right. And the key is, and I really believe this, that you focus on the personal growth and you act as if they are coming back. If you act as if you are going to have one more chance with them and you really put yourself in the position to become a much better version of yourself, when they do revisit, they're going to be blown away by the changes you've made.

Margaret (18:22):

And we see it over and over again.

Craig (18:25):

But even if they don't come back, think about how much you truly would have changed. And at that point you'll likely say, you know what? It's okay. And then you'll start dating other people and you've become so much more successful with understanding yourself. And you may attract healthier people. You will attract healthier people. Absolutely. Yeah. And so look at it from that angle, you stay in no contact. You allow them to reach out to you when they're ready, you focus and you obsess over the personal growth. If you're going to obsess about anything, don't obsess about them, obsess about how great you want this breakup to make you, right? And then when they do come back, you're either going to be in a great position to turn things around with them or you'll do great with other people. And other people will be like, who is this person?

Margaret (19:20):

Get your energy back. We're going to talk about that again. But you want to get your energy back. You need the energy for your own healing and your own growth and not to be obsessing about them. Obsessing takes energy. I've discovered.

Craig (19:32):

Oh, it's exhausting. Yeah. It really is exhausting. And it's just exhausting. Cause you can't feel like you can turn it off at all at work.

Margaret (19:43):

No, no contact. No. And even our chemical system says, no, it's not a good idea. You better go find those lost people, that lost person that's right. But you can't do it. And it's terribly difficult. And I can see people's faces change. When I say to them, I think you'd be better off with no contact. Like no contact. You know, how can that work? I know it sounds crazy. We know it sounds crazy

Craig (20:07):

Simply just not reaching out. Okay. If you're not reaching out and they're choosing you in their life, think about what that tells you. They're choosing you again. Okay. And that's exactly what you want. If they're ending this, then you want them to choose you again. Now of course, every situation is so different and there's a million different factors. So it can be tricky to put out a general video at times, but we know you guys obsess over certain things and we try and educate you the best that we can in a general way, we get specific in certain videos. But this is a video that I know a lot of you are going to wonder about.

Women NEED To Wonder About You

I'm going to be talking to about women need to wonder about you. So this is really important to understand time and space in dating and in relationships. But especially when you're dating somebody new and they don't know a lot about you. It seems like lately I've had a lot of people in my Skype calls asking me questions about dating and navigating, especially if they're coming out of a longterm relationship, they haven't dated in a long time and they don't know what to do. So this is going to be a really important video for you guys, because one of the biggest things that I see men do, especially early in dating, is coming on too strong and not being a challenge. Let me say that again, coming on too strong and not being a challenge. So a lot of our behavior in dating and relationships has to do with our self worth and our self esteem.

Craig (01:53):

We all want a secure partner, because if you think about it, secure partners are trusting. They're patient. They're understanding they're easy going. They're fun. They're good at communicating. They often like intimacy. It's just ideal. They're supportive. They're confident, really they're confident. And so when a secure guy is single, he's going to display those behaviors when he's dating, right? So he's going to take his time to get to know people. He's going to recognize his value. And he's going to look for what he considers to be his best option. Now you have insecure people and of course we're all insecure in our own ways, but the more insecure you are, the more behaviors you're going to display. That is a turnoff. So think about it. The insecure people always get anxious, or even avoidant because they feel so overwhelmed by the closeness. But anxiety often causes us to do really unattractive behavior. We get angry. We lash out, we get manipulative, we get controlling, we lose our temper. We lose emotional self control. Sometimes we get manipulative and controlling. We don't listen. And we're generally not fun to be around. Right? And the more often we do it, the more our partners aren't going to want to be around us. So you also have to think if you're doing a lot of these behaviors, you can't retain emotional self control. You are a danger to that person. Now they're scared of you. They feel threatened by you because you could lose your temper and hurt them. So you got to be aware that when you behave like that, women by nature are going to be scared. They're not going to want to be close to you. They're going to want to stay distant from you. They can't trust you. Okay. So insecure guys often don't I believe that they have any value, right?

Craig (04:19):

So when you believe that, and you're scared of that, you act in that way, especially the preoccupied anxious people. What happens with them is for some reason that anxiety wants to take over and make us control that person to keep them with us. And then that just makes them want to run and leave the situation. So one of the things that I see all the time is that women are more drawn to avoidant men. And you know, the guys that are considered jerks, you know, that are players. Why? Well, I think part of it has to do with, they display a confident kind of behavior. Now, in many ways, they're not confident, but because they're independent, it looks like they are this confidence self-assured person. When reality they're really terrified of any kind of connection or commitment. And they're likely to leave the woman and hurt the woman whereas the preoccupied, anxious guys are often working harder to make the relationship work. The more caring, the more considerate. Now, of course, there's, you know, a continuum here and the more anxious you are, you're not going to be as caring and considerate. But I tend to find that more anxious guys are thoughtful and trying to be there for the women. Sometimes it's too much. Sometimes it's actually overwhelming. And they don't like that. Okay. Now, guys, you got to understand that if you don't correct this, if you don't really work on becoming a more secure person, these behaviors are going to come out. Especially in time. In the beginning, you might be able to put on a show and you know, do your best behaviors. But in time they're gonna see right through it because women know how to weed out guys fast. Here's a simple technique. They could do. Not even a technique. They take their time replying to some guys. If she senses you're anxious, she might stop replying to you or taking a long time because she wants to see what you do. Do you leave her alone or do you continue to reach out, reach out, reach out. And then she's like, Oh boy, here. She could see right through it. And then next thing you know, she loses interest. Some guys, like I said earlier, come on strong in the beginning that it turns women off. You might be one of these guys telling women that you want to marry them before you've even met them. You should hear how many women tell me guys are doing this on their dating sites. They're Oh, I love you. I want to get engaged. I want to marry you. I want to move to be with you. Haven't even met. But think about what that saying about you. You know what I mean? Like how much value do you really have to do that? So coming on too strong is one of the fastest ways to turn a woman off. So I got an email from a guy that I did a Skype with not that long ago. And he wanted to ask me some questions based on what was going on with this situation now. So he said, hi, Craig, hope you and Margaret are doing well. I originally came to you with a different breakup in the spring. I just wanted to tell you the call was really helpful. And I learned a lot. I started seeing a new Ooh girl right away. She and I were dating for about four months when she started to lose interest, we were never official, so we are technically in a breakup situation. In our Skype, we were talking about dating. And you were talking about getting women to think about you and wonder what is going on with you. I wanted to give you an update on what's going on since our call. You are right when you said that dating seemed to be overwhelming for me and brings out my insecurities. I really had no idea how much I didn't know about dating and relationships. It actually didn't even hit me about what you told me until this new relationship fell apart as well. So even though we the call, he didn't have that aha moment that we get when we figure things out until another relationship fell apart and then it probably hit him. Wow, I am really insecure. And I got to do something about that. Thanks to you. I realize I have an anxious attachment style and I'm working on that. Your knowledge workbooks are actually helping me a lot, but I am still learning. So I still get anxious and confused. I actually do get a lot of questions about the workbooks and the only place you can get them is on my website. Askcraig.Net. You just click on the little tab that says workbooks. I have one through five, and then I have the elite series six through 10, or you could get the whole bundle one through 10 and save cause I have it at a discount. So let me go on here. He said, you said that because I've been so available that women are losing interest and then I'm not being any kind of challenge. But I had no idea that was even wrong. I thought I was supposed to be texting girls all the time in order to get her to like me. And when I like a girl a lot, I want to tell her, well, you know, I could totally understand what you feel like that when I was younger, I didn't understand this.

Craig (10:27):

My mom and dad didn't sit me down and explain dating in any way. I think both of them were clueless. But you know, I navigated in the similar fashion. I thought you wanted to text someone all the time. I thought you wanted to talk to them all the time and you know, spend hours on the phone and tell somebody how you feel. But there are negative consequences to that. Okay. And that's why it's so important. That one I'm telling you, you stay disciplined with the girls that you like. See oftentimes with the girls we're not too crazy about. It's easy to behave in a natural way where you're not coming on too strong. But when we really liked somebody and we fantasize about who they are or what might happen with us, we come on so strong. And it's so important that you do these strategies with those people otherwise you mess up with the people that you're really hoping for a shot with. So when you come on too strong and you tell a girl that you like her so quickly, she doesn't wonder about things anymore. There's no mystery. There's no excitement. There's no laying her head on the pillow at night and thinking, I wonder if he's going to call me again. I wonder when he's going to text me. I wonder if he had a good time. You put all the cards out on the table with somebody that you don't really know. And you know, if you tell someone you liked them a lot right away, it doesn't really give them an opportunity to showcase who they are to show their personality and the qualities they could bring to the table. Right? Because you're, you're just like, well, you know, we went out two times, let's be exclusive. It's Whoa, I like you a lot. Okay. But you don't really know them. Right? It's really important. You understand that. And when you're willing to give up being singled to be in a committed relationship, it's like, you know, you're throwing away your value if you don't really know that person, because in other words, you have tons of options. And you're saying I'm giving up all those options for you. Even though we barely know each other. And we just started dating a couple of weeks ago. I think you got to take your time because you want to show, Hey, I got plenty of options. Show me why would be a good fit. I'll show you. You show me, it's gotta be both people trying to show each other. And if you're jumping all in, when you don't really know somebody, it doesn't really give a, a chance for both of you guys to do that.

Craig (13:13):

There's another way to look at it. Let's say you're looking for a job. And the first place you get interviewed hires you at minimum wage. Well, if you just accept minimum wage without looking at what the other offers are, then you're going to be settling for less. You want to go to a place where you're going to get your full value, but if you say, okay, I'll take minimum wage. That's all you're going to get. And it looks eager. It looks needy. Now, if you believe that you have true value, you're going to say, you know what? I'm going to have to think about it. That's less than what I was expecting. And this is what I'm going to need for a salary. And if you guys can't do that, I think I'm going to have to go elsewhere. You see, you know, your value and you're acting accordingly. It's really important that you do that. That is what secure guys do in relationships. They're not going to jump into something with somebody that are really know they're going to take their time. They're going to be confident that if this isn't the right person, I'm going to see who else might be. Alright, let me go on with the email. He said, I feel like I'm doing something wrong with my dating life. This really messes me up because when I see a girl is on social media all the time, like Snapchat or Instagram, I assume she's talking with other guys all the time and not me. So I feel like I have to keep up with those guys. Or she will wind up liking them more. It makes me really anxious so I can't help but message her. Okay? What you can help but message her. You got to take your time. Let her think about you. Let her wonder what you're doing. Let her think about the time in between your dates to wonder how life is going for you. You know, if you're texting all the time, you're not going to have much to say when you're in person, you've said everything. Plus the excitement that comes with texting somebody new will get boring and it will fade away and then there'll be less attracted, right? Cause they won't be thinking about you as much. So you've got to think about these things. You want to take a girl out, have a great time, get to know her, show her who you are, see what you guys have in common. See if you guys would be a good fit and then you set another date in like another week. You don't want to text all day long. It gets boring. They lose interest, not as exciting. And then they start wondering about those guys that aren't texting them all day long. Believe it or not. He goes on to say, as you may remember with the girl I was dating, we were talking every day. At first things were going really good.

Craig (16:23):

Once we started hooking up, it was good for a few months. She seemed to like me. I would message her in the morning. And then probably a bunch of times throughout the day, I thought it was going good. And I probably didn't realize it wasn't until her texts were getting shorter in length. And she was taking longer to answer. Then the last time I asked her to get together, she says, she's not sure what she wants right now. And started making excuses not to see me. The first time was when she canceled on a date that I thought was all set. Her reason was that she was too tired from work. I was shocked. I said, but we have plans to go to dinner. She said, no, I told you it should work, but I would call you when I got out of work. Now I'm calling you on my way home from work and I'm not up for it tonight. So was that rude? Well, they didn't have definite plans, but maybe she was testing him because he was coming on so strong and wanted to see what he was going to do. Is he going to get all upset or is he going to say, okay, you know, I didn't really like that. You're canceling last minute. I thought we had plans, but fine. You know, contact me when you're free something more casual and relaxed, you know? But he says, I got really upset on the phone with her. I tried to hold it in, but she knew I was mad. Yup. This is why guys you want to make sure you have definite dates. You have a definite time, a place, a plan in place. And it's confirmed. You don't want to settle for, we'll see or maybes. Because a lot of times they're just going to cancel on you to make matters worse. She posted on Instagram a few hours later with friends. I was so pissed. I deleted her off Instagram. Well, if she was testing you, you walked right into that trap and you failed it because he got angry. You got upset. And then you deleted her. How is a woman supposed to feel safe if you're going to get upset over things like that? It's not easy to get to this place to get secure, confident, but it's really where you want to be.

Craig (18:59):

She actually texted me in the morning and asked me if I had deleted her. Oh, she knew she saw, I tried to lie it first and played dumb, but I couldn't tell where I could tell she didn't believe me. So I told her the truth. Well, at least he told the truth. She probably knows you were trying to lie. But again, it goes and chose a reflection of how insecure you are. After that day. She started making other excuses. She was sick, busy work with work, et cetera. Well, you know, if somebody is going to start making excuses and not as excited or eager to see you don't be as excited or eager to see them either. You don't want to be all in on somebody. Who's obviously making excuses like I'm tired. I don't know if she was tired or she just wanted to go out with her friends or she really was tired and she got so annoyed by you that she decided to go out with friends, who knows. So I stopped reaching out. I've been working on the knowledge every day, but I know I still have a lot to learn. After about two weeks of leaving her alone, she messaged me and hinted that she was free one evening, you see, you gave her some time and some space to wonder about what was going on. If you had lost interest, if you had forgotten about her or just said, I'm moving forward. And then she reached out, she wouldn't have reached out and hinted if she was completely done with you.

Craig (20:49):

So I invited her to hang out. We actually did and had a really good time. Now she's going away with her family. And she said, she'll be back in about two weeks. Should I reach out to her on the trip or wait until she gets home? Okay. Well, if I was in that situation, I would probably see if she reaches out to you before her trip. And if she does say, Hey, have a great time with your family, have a lot of fun. And let me know. When you get back in town, we could get together. You can tell me all about it and just let her do her thing right now. You know, if she wants to contact you on the trip, she will. But the last thing you want to do is start contacting her. Cause you miss her on the trip. And then she gets annoyed. She says, Oh well, I'm with my family right now. Why are you reaching out? You know, I'm coming home in a week or whatever it is. So you want to give her some time she wants to reach out to you when she's on the trip. Great. If not, she'll probably reach out when she gets home. Okay? But guys, you really do have to display confidence and give people the opportunity to choose you as well. Let them think about you. Let them wonder about you. You reach out, you set a date, you make a definite date, time place, all that stuff. How are you going to meet? Have a great time. And then you try and set up a date for the next week. And if she reaches out to you, great, but don't spend all day on the phone, texting or calling. You want to have fun in person. That's really where you're going to convey your personality and you're going to have a great time with them.

How Many Chances Do Exes Give?

Today we're going to be talking about how many chances do exes give zero, have a good day. Now everyone's like, what?! Everybody's heart stopped. Okay. So this is a really difficult question to answer. Okay. So we're going to guide you through this one a bit, because I don't think there's any specific number now, Margaret, you had a thought about that.

New Speaker (01:09):

I did. What I hear, I'm just thinking of what, what I hear from people. I hear oftentimes that there's been one breakup and reunification and sometimes two. Okay. So the number I said was just again on the, on the simple math I did three. Yeah. Okay.

New Speaker (01:30):

Okay. But we're gonna look deeper at that and how you can look at your own situation to evaluate it a bit. I got two really quick emails, and then we're going to get into this.

Craig (01:43):

The first one said, hi, Craig, my name is Milan. I'm just another brokenhearted guy from the UK. What I wanted to tell you is that when I watch you and Margaret's videos, literally every day, you probably get this a lot, but I just want to express how grateful I am to you too. You are giving people hope you two are angels. Listen, you don't know Margaret. She has little devil horns. You better be careful with that. Yeah, you are lifesavers. I pray and ask God that he takes special care of you too. You are probably not even aware of the fact that you bring light into people's lives. You inspire, you give people positivity, keep it up. Thank you so much. And God bless both of you. Cheers. Thank you.

Craig (02:37):

Thank you so much for those kinds of words. And it is always nice to hear that from you guys. Because you know, on our end, it's nice to know that the stuff that we're putting out for you does help, help. Right? That's very important for us. Yeah. Got another quick email here that says, hi coach Craig and Margaret. I am a huge fan of you, Margaret. I just love your earrings, which my Halloween Christmas earrings today. I saw a lot of people put comments about your cat earrings, how cool. I always check them out in your newest videos. LOL. I have a question about chances. Could you do a video on how many chances and ex gives? Okay. So here you go. This one's for you. First of all, this is so important for me to express to you guys. I really believe that if you want to be successful in trying to get your ex back, if you want to have the best chance act as if you're only getting one, right? Good point. Because many of you guys don't prepare yourself nearly as well as you need to. And then you get in front of them and you make a million mistakes. When in front of your ex that's when you need to be the most disciplined, not the least. And a lot of times you guys are really disciplined for months. Then you get in front of your ex and everything you thought about everything that you planned, just vanishes in a matter of seconds, sometimes all it takes is an ex to say a comment or something. And poof, you just melt in front

Margaret (04:34):

And it goes for women too. And I think a lot of that has to do with anxiety. Yeah, absolutely.

Craig (04:41):

So act as if you're only getting one, what would you do differently in this breakup process if you knew it was one time only? How different are you going to behave? Are you going to obsess about where they're at and what they're doing? You better not because that's a waste of time learning the skills, improving the areas that you've struggled in the relationship, understanding your attachment issues, healing, it, understanding their attachment issues and how to navigate that is far more important than who they're with right now and who they're talking to,

Margaret (05:17):

And you're right. Cause that's what comes up immediately.

Craig (05:20):

Yep. Right? And quite honestly, there's a good chance that whoever they've left you for are dating. Now that's going to fall apart in a short amount of time. And you've wasted time obsessing about this new person when you could be getting ready to show them and blow them away.

Margaret (05:37):

But it's hard not to obsess. You can see by the number of people who do it.

Craig (05:42):

Oh, and I understand, but my goal is to help you guys be the most successful that you can be. And so I'm trying to put you in the right state of mind, the right frame to be successful. What you do with that is up you. Right? Okay. Yes. But you're going to have to stay disciplined. So right. How many chances? Well, we got some questions for you to think about for your own personal situation. Okay. First of all, how do you define the chance? Right. What is a chance? Is it that you broke up and this is a breakup and this is your fourth breakup in six weeks or is it a chance? And you know, you got into an argument and they're not sure about things right now. So it's hard to say how many chances there would be, because it's hard to say, what is a chance, what you define as a chance or your ex defines as a chance, may be two completely different things. Your ex may be like, I gave you a hundred chances to fix that. And you didn't. Whereas I might think, yeah, I might think, well, no, it wasn't as simple as what they're saying here. Okay. So looking at was it a fight, is it an actual breakup? And how many times has it happened? Has it been a lot of breakups or was it a bunch of arguments and now a breakup and it's the same theme come up over and over again, it likely does, right? Yes. Okay. Another important thing to think about what was the length of the relationship? If you're with somebody for years, you have made a significant impact on their life. It's far different. I think if you're with somebody for years, as opposed to six weeks or a few months, you're just getting this know somebody and everybody's in a short term relationship right now, their heart is racing, but you know, it's the reality. How can you compare a relationship where you've been with somebody for four years to somebody you've dated for four months? Okay. So you got to look at it differently. How many mistakes have you made? You know what I mean? Like and along with that, what has, how severe was the mistake? Did you cheat five times or did you ignore that person for a certain amount of time or forgot their birthday three years in a row? Or, you know what I mean, how it could be really extreme on what the offense is and how they viewed the offense.

Margaret (08:26):

Absolutely. Did you not pick up your socks or like Craig says, did you cheat five times? There's a big difference. Did I demand to see his cell phone 10 times? Because I didn't believe him. That's another issue. You can look at all sorts of things.

Craig (08:40):

Where are you lying? Did you disappoint them? Was it a hundred times or was it one severe time? So there's going to be a lot of different things to evaluate for what it's that chance. And will they give you another severe? Is it. A big one. Were you ever abusive to them? Right. Physically, verbally. Margaret, what are your thoughts about that?

Margaret (09:07):

Well, that's huge. And certainly the rule is never, ever in our adult lives do we put up with abuse of any kind. So that's a deal breaker, unless the person gets into some therapy. Now it can get fuzzy around verbal abuse. "All I said was the truth." You know, there are all sorts of debates about that, but I think it's how it felt to the recipient that wins the day. I don't care what you meant, what you said was extremely hurtful to me. Okay. and it made me feel bad about myself and it made me really sad for three days. So whatever you meant, I don't care. This was the result of what you said, and that can be either way men to women or women to men. Absolutely.

Craig (09:57):

How many times have they asked you to correct this? Right? Is it that you slipped up one time and they never brought that up to you before? Or is it something they've asked you to quit doing a hundred times or you promised you would change a hundred times and you didn't

Margaret (10:14):

You never tell me what time you're coming home. I've raised this with you 500 times. Right. And you still won't give me a call when you get out of the office and tell me what your plans are. So yeah, I hear that one a lot. Or you haven't taken your dishes out of the sink for three years now that may sound minor, but if you've got a couple of kids and you're trying to clean up the sink, not so funny. Okay.

Craig (10:42):

Here's another one. What was the positive to negative ratio in the relationship? In other words, how much good versus bad were there? Right. And you know, I think it was John Gottman that was talking about the five to one ratio that there should be five positive interactions for every negative. Now they also get a bit tricky. Cause it's like, what you see as positive, I may not. And what I'm going to see is positive. You may not, but in general, it's just good to think about that. The five to one ratio is really important.

Margaret (11:16):

I like that five positive for one negative. One of the things I like to ask is at its best, what was the relationship like? Well, when we were first together, he paid attention to me or she was always so glad when I could come home and you know, you hear some good stuff, but it can, it can deteriorate over time.

Craig (11:37):

Sure. Yeah. And I think that goes along with one of the next points I wanted to make was how serious did it get when it was at its best? Right. Was the person saying, I think you're the most amazing person ever, I want to marry you. And it was like that for five or, you know what I mean? And then, you know what I mean? Or is it, you know, they told you that over a long weekend.

Margaret (12:01):

Yeah. When everything was going just great. So it's very different thing. I just want to know one of the politicians who just dropped out of the presidential race, I think it was Kamala Harris. Her husband issued a statement saying I'll be there for her as always. And I thought, how absolutely wonderful, what a secure base, this big major, not feeling so good things just happened to you and I'll be there for you and I'm letting the world know that

Craig (12:28):

I loved it. Wow. That is nice to know. Yeah. One other point that I wanted to get to was how long has the relationship had problems for? Yeah. That's really important. Have you been having problems for six weeks? Have you been problems having problems for six years? Right. And believe it or not, I'll have people come to me where they've been in a relationship for 10, 20 years and the relationship has been bad for 10 years. Yeah. 6 years. And now it's a lot harder to show that person that the relationship would change. I mean, if we've been unhappy for so many years, what makes me think that you're going to change enough or that things will be different enough between us to be better?

Margaret (13:17):

Anybody can change if they really choose to. And you know, my boyfriend or my girlfriend says they're going to change, but they refuse to go to therapy. That's doesn't sound too sincere to me then. You know, some people can read books and listen to us and make improvements. And that's wonderful. But oftentimes if it's a serious matter, it does involve some outside support of some sort.

Craig (13:44):

You got to do the work and that's why I done workbooks. I can't stress that enough to you guys. They really get you to sit down and evaluate who you are, who you want to become and help you get there. It's really important because you don't want to have one chance with your ex and then not be ready for it. I hate that.

Margaret (14:09):

One of the other questions I like to ask is tell me what you fought about and believe it or not, sometimes they get a clear answer. We fought about, he stays out of the house too much. Or she goes out with her girlfriends and comes home drunk at two o'clock in the morning, all the time. It used to be a few times a month. And now it's like 10 times a month. Those are the kinds of things you hear. But I also often hear it doesn't make any difference. We just fought, okay. Then you're distancing from each other for some reason. And you got to look at whatever that is. Whether one party is avoidant and it's too close. One party is anxious and you're gone too much. You got to look, if you're fighting about absolutely everything, then look at why are you from each other.

Craig (14:52):

And of course we can help you navigate that for your situation personally, if you want to get our help with an individual session. But I, I have one major point that I want you to think about. And that is when it comes to doing the work you want to practice so much and get so ready that when the time comes, you can't get it wrong,

Margaret (15:18):

Right. If you've made real changes, you can't get it wrong. And it doesn't amount to whatever words you put together correctly. If you've really made the changes, it will come through.

Craig (15:29):

You think about like an elite basketball player, they have their shot down so well that it doesn't matter who defends them and what place on the court at what angle, at what height they can make it. And that's the way you want to act is that no matter when it happens, how it happens, that you've really incorporated so much personal growth, that when the time gets in front of them and you are going to be anxious and scared that you can't screw it up,

Margaret (16:05):

You can't mess it up if you've really made the changes. And that brings me to another point, just to be a little more specific, we all want a partner. Who's a reasonable grownup? How do reasonable grownups act? Okay. They take first and foremost, they take responsibility for their own behavior and decisions. Okay. And if you're still with somebody who's saying, well, that wasn't my fault. It was your fault, et cetera, et cetera. Don't get too excited because you need a person who's going to take responsibility for their behavior and you need to take responsibility for yours. But if you continue to be blaming each other things will never work.

Craig (16:46):

Yep, absolutely. Yeah. So hopefully this will help you really think about your situation and the chances that you guys are all looking at and trying to figure out.

Do Feelings REALLY Change?

Today we're going to be talking about, do feelings really change. Big topic. I know so many of you worry about that every single day. And I could totally understand it because when you're in a situation like a breakup and somebody says, I'm done, I'm over this. I don't want to work this out. And you feel devastated and hopeless, it feels like that's it. That's the way it stays forever. Okay. So I got a quick email today and we're going to talk about this. Okay. And before we start, I just want to say, make sure you guys subscribe to the channel that way, you know, that we continue to grow and help people and push those other channels away. That spew a little nonsense, you know who you are. So let me get to this email.

Craig (01:40):

They said, hi, coach Craig and Margaret. I know you've talked a lot about situations that are hopeless turning around. Sometimes that feels like false hope in my situation. People talk about false hope. Quite often. We'll get to that in a minute. I'll let you talk about false hope. Do you think that even if an ex really says they never want to see you again, that it can really turn around? Sometimes I get scared that you just say that to make us feel better. Oh, okay. Well, I could totally understand why you would feel like that. Okay. you know, you guys have to understand that we are in a very different position than you are. Okay. You are on the end of a recent breakup and everything is terrifying. Margaret and I are on the other end of it and we see tons of people every week and we've been doing it for a long time now. So we see when situations that are really hopeless. Absolutely do turn around. I have seen situations that the person was like, I'm never coming back. In fact, we share those emails sometimes. "I'm Never coming back. I never want to see you again. I never want to have another chance with this" and they absolutely can get turned around. Now, sometimes you guys feel like that there are situations of false hope. "Well, You're just giving us false hope." Margaret, what do you think about that?

Margaret (03:10):

Well, I think it would be irresponsible of us to do that. And you know, we're more likely to tell you how it is then to give you false hope. And we have seen all kinds of feelings change. Have you ever been so angry at someone that you never wanted to see them again, talk to them again, know that they existed in the world again, and most people don't feel that way longterm over very many people, particularly someone they were close to. Okay. And people can say all kinds of things when they're angry,

Craig (03:44):

Or if they want you to leave them alone, they're just, they're cold. And they're in that moment. They are like, I don't want to deal with you.

Margaret (03:51):

You feel like you're chilled to your spine and you need your mittens and your coat. But again, feelings change over time. It could have to do with a fight they had with the boss that day, the way their mother treated the most of the time they were growing up, all kinds of things can go into the angry things we say to each other, but trust us, we would rather have you unhappy and facing the truth than try to give you false hope. But we believe that most situations have hope in that because we've seen it over and over again. Yep. Okay. Yeah.

Craig (04:29):

It's just about, you know, focusing on the personal growth in the meantime, and then when you get an opportunity in front of your ex, again, show them a newer, more attractive version of yourself where you're not dramatic when you're not begging and you're crying anymore and you're actually showing them, wow, you've really made changes. You've done things that you, I didn't think you were going to do. You've made progress. I've had people just recently that had drinking problems and they stopped drinking. So they make complete life changes and they're going into therapy when their partner thought they'd never get into therapy or they're actually working on communication skills and, you know, committed to being a better partner. And yes, that is a lot more attractive than who you were before.

Margaret (05:17):

One of the other things is it depends on what you think you deserve. Okay. And there are many people out there who got all kinds of messages growing up, that they were not good people and that they didn't deserve to have good things happen to them. And if you're one of those, even aside from the situation you're dealing with, you're a human being. You're a good person because you breathe and you are here and you deserve to have things turned around. Okay?

Craig (05:46):

Yeah. It's really, really tough because some people are so upset and frustrated about their particular situation that they get angry at us or how we see things. Now we are very upfront and when we say not, everybody's going to get a chance with their ex it's simply not going to happen for all of you. We wish that everybody would, but we don't say that. Okay. We don't talk about percentages unless it's been researched. We don't spew that kind of nonsense because you know, Margaret, her philosophy has been for years ever since I've known her, is that we can talk about and deal with anything,

Margaret (06:28):

Right. If we're willing to look at it. Absolutely.

Craig (06:31):

Okay. So that's how we stand about it. Some of you will not get another chance with your ex, but many of you will surprisingly hear from your ex again. And when you do, leave comments, so that people know that it does happen. Exes say I'm never coming back. I never want to see you again. They think that the grass is greener. Like they think that their other options are better or they just, they don't feel the same way about you. And then in time they realize how much you really did mean to them.

Margaret (07:09):

Another thought has just gone through my mind that if you have an experience where you have a parent who left you and disappeared, it would be hard for you to have a whole lot of hope about relationships, redeeming themselves. I could readily understand that. So if that's one of the things that happened to you, yes, it happened to you. And it was real. But actually that cannot happen again, since you've already dealt with that parent and most situations turn around and later in life that parent could look for you, all those things can happen. But if you've had that kind of a loss, it would be hard to hope. And you could say, what are these people talking about? People do leave, and just never come back at all. But not often.

Craig (08:00):

Yeah. Sometimes they do leave. It depends upon the situation because your situations are so different. You should see how different my calls are in any given day. Right? Right. It's just all over the map. If you sat and heard my calls, you would see that so many of them are extremely different now over any given month, you're gonna see a lot of similarities, but you're going to see a lot of differences. You know, I had a guy today that the girlfriend broke up with him right around the anniversary of the, one of the parent's death. So we had an anniversary reaction and thanks to the channel he was, a little familiar with that when I brought it up to him, you know? So we talked about that and, and how to, you know, navigate that.

Margaret (08:50):

What I want to say to this gentleman is you can't be that unlovable. Okay. You cannot be so that someone would never, ever even debate coming back to you. Yeah.

Craig (09:01):

Yeah. You know, there's a lot of reasons why somebody could leave a relationship. But there's also a lot of reasons why they could come back. Sure. You know, sometimes the person was frustrated with the way the relationship was going. They couldn't deal with things going the way they were. And they're like, I'm done, I'm over it. I have to get out. I can't keep feeling like this, but if you leave them alone and you let them deal with things, process, things, think about things and come back to you when they're ready, you're going to be a lot more likely to repair it or have another opportunity if it presents itself. So yes, feelings really do change all the time. And it's absolutely true. It's true for men. And it's true for women.

Margaret (09:52):

Absolutely. Think of your parents. I mean, you can remember both of your parents being extremely anxious, angry, safer for all sorts of different reasons and they're fine a day or two later feelings do change. Yeah.

Craig (10:06):

Yeah, absolutely. So I hope you, you know, feel a little bit better about this, knowing that a lot of times, time is a key factor in having an opportunity with your ex again, how much time it takes. It's different for everybody. And there's a lot of different factors, you know, and unfortunately our crystal ball still hasn't been delivered by Amazon.

Margaret (10:35):

No, we'll let you know when it comes in,

Craig (10:37):

Simply look at our past experiences with coachings and what typically happens with previous clients and how we've seen things.

Margaret (10:46):

Well, you know, I do have to say something else about feeling hopeless. If you feel hopeless for a long time, please reach out to some local therapists because being hopeless can sometimes make you hurt yourself or think about hurting yourself and we don't want that to happen with anyone. Of course. So if you can't beat the hopelessness, please reach out. Okay. Every community has some sort of a clinic.

Craig (11:10):

Absolutely.

How to Recognize an Avoidant Person

Today we're going to be talking about how to recognize an avoidant person, you know, Margaret one year first coming to the channel, obviously so many people are just overwhelmed by the breakup and just this horrible feeling of being dumped. But as you learn more and more from us, what we teach about attachment and love and relationships, we start to explain attachment styles and attachment theory. And many of you are just shocked to hear, Oh my gosh, this is exactly how my partner is. Or this is describing me to a T and learning about the dynamic between, you know, secure people or anxious and avoidance, you know, disorganized. It can be overwhelming. It could be confusing. It's scary. I mean, and it's kinda like, what do I do with all this?

Margaret (01:33):

And it's always better if you even have a name for it. That's the beginning of control.

Craig (01:38):

Yeah. But, but it's certainly enlightening and it really is just like incredible how many aha moments you'll have just by hearing about this stuff. And so if you find yourself in a situation where you're dating an avoidant, it can be really difficult. It could be really confusing because they're going to trigger you a lot. A lot of times their behavior is going to set you off and you're going to feel so anxious and overwhelmed. You don't know how to handle them.

Margaret (02:08):

And often you're going to feel hurt when in fact your partner had no idea that what they did to pull away from you was hurtful. I want to do a little bit of an introduction. Yeah. Avoidant people have a profound fear of depending on others. And she had as a weakness.

Craig (02:28):

And that's partially because they've been led to believe that it's a weakness. Yes. And, and also there's you know, just this sense of, if I count on somebody else, they're just gonna let me down. So they're afraid to have somebody just disappoint them.

Margaret (02:48):

They're afraid to be vulnerable. Yeah. Now I looked at any number of sources on avoidant people because I'm trying to wrap my own mind around it clearly. And there's pretty general agreement from Dr. Bowlby himself. And some people we're going to quote today that what happens to the avoidant child is a very sad thing. When we're little, we cannot take care of ourselves and we cannot regulate our own emotions. If you're going to grow up to be an avoidant person what happened to you was that when you were little and when you needed comfort or direction or structure or whatever you needed, your parent got annoyed with you. Okay. And didn't have time or invalidated your feeling. The famous one is people saying to little boys, little boys don't cry. Well, if they're young and they stubbed their toe, or they have a fight with the other kid, there are many reasons why little boys should cry, or if there's a death in the family. And I vividly remember a case. We talked about where the boy was told by his grandmother that she had lost her daughter and he'd only lost his mother so he could just shut up. How awful. Right. So you quickly learn that if you go to someone, another person for help and support, you're not going to get it. And if you keep asking and being disappointed every time, that's kind of exhausting too. So eventually you give up and say, I don't want to need anybody. It doesn't work for me. All right. Yup. And think how that must feel for a little kid. It's hard for us as adults. Yeah. so that's the kind of the bottom line avoidants are wired for attachment like we all are, but fear losing autonomy, independence, or even their identity, which they've struggled very hard to get but you can be close without being fused, which we see in healthy relationships. So it can happen. And the other standard behavior that does it to people is being left in a crib too long. You can't get out of the crib yourself. You can't change yourself. You can't feed yourself. So if you're left in that helpless position too many times, you're not going to trust anybody ever. At least not without a lot of work, but it can be done. That's important to state. It can be done. What would make you feel better is if you manage to get close to somebody and it doesn't feel like they want to control you or own you or tell you who you should be. Okay. Then, and only then when you've experienced that, are you going to even believe that it's possible because life has not taught you that. Okay. So let me give you some common behaviors that, that people show. One of the other important things to remember is that oftentimes avoidants have no idea that they're being hurtful or that they're doing anything wrong. So it's extremely important that you make your needs clear from the beginning. Okay. Some common strategies that they use to keep you from getting too close. Here is a famous one. I'm not ready to commit, but I have been in your life for two years now. There's a mixed message. Okay. At what they should really say is I'm afraid to commit, but I like being in your life. Avoidant people will focus on small imperfections in their partner and we all have them: the way she talks, dresses, eats you know, something about what the person does commonly is annoying me and it's getting in the way of my romantic feelings. Yeah.

Craig (06:56):

Right. And, and they use that as an excuse. And sometimes they'll even say things that you can't control. You know, if you were just a little bit taller, I would totally marry you. Okay. Like, I can do anything about that. Yeah. Craig, if you were only Spanish, you'd be the man of my dreams. I can't go back and redo it. No comprende.

Margaret (07:19):

One of the things they will often do, and I've heard this from people, is they will think about an ex girlfriend or boyfriend as the most perfect person. Now, chances are, they had a relationship with that person that worked out for awhile until they push the person away. So lots of times avoidance have an perfect ex partner that you'll never measure up to.

Craig (07:46):

That's right. Meanwhile, when they were with that person, they were probably complaining about them all the time.

Margaret (07:51):

Okay. And that, that person is called the Phantom ex. Alright.

Craig (07:55):

That's like a way that they can triangulate the relationship and control you. And that will keep you anxious all the time.

Margaret (08:05):

That's right. Yup. If that exercise, there were just a little bit less perfect. Maybe I could look at you.

Craig (08:13):

Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Margaret (08:14):

Flirting with other people is a really hurtful way to introduce insecurity into a relationship. If you go out to a restaurant and your boyfriend or your girlfriend is flirting with the waitress or waiter that's a way to introduce anxiety just as you say. Yup.

Craig (08:32):

And then they can control you better. That's right. When you're anxious and you're emotional, people can control you better. That's what they do on purpose

Margaret (08:41):

Unaware usually. Not saying "I love you" while implying that you do have feelings toward the other person. Right. You hear stories about people who've been together forever, clearly love each other, and nobody has ever said, Oh yeah, I've heard some stories like that. Pulling away when things are going well, that's the one I hear on an almost daily basis. I don't understand why he, or she broke up with me when things were going so well. And the answer is: they couldn't do it. Yeah, exactly. The answer is when it started to work and it started to get close, the avoidant partner,upulled away. Alright. And then I get this very unhappy person saying, I don't understand. Why would they break up when things were going? Well, it was too close. What? That doesn't make any sense. And it doesn't make any sense because obviously the partner wouldn't be your partner if they didn't want a relationship. But when it gets to a certain degree of closeness, they don't know what to do. It feels uncomfortable. And it feels, well, it feels too much like setting themselves up to be disappointed again, you know, like when they got left in the crib. Ubut I think that's the most confusing one to the person that they break up with. Yeah. Forming relationships with an impossible future, such as with someone who is married that often happens. We don't hear so much about that one, but it does happen. Checking out mentally when your partner is talking to you. I talked to a very open and pleasant gentleman the other day, who basically said he did that. And he didn't mean to do that. And he only now has realized that that's what he did because when she said to him, you don't listen to me. He had to really think about that to know what that meant? And he would check out.

Craig (10:39):

Yeah. And a lot of times people will distract themselves, put on the TV.

Margaret (10:43):

Oh yes, absolutely. Yup. Keeping secrets and leaving things foggy to maintain your feeling of independence. I've come across two people very recently who said that they never knew how much money their partner made. How do you plan a household budget that way? You know? Seems odd. But apparently it's not as unusual as I thought it might've been. Wow. Yeah. That is interesting. Yeah. Avoiding physical closeness, not wanting to share the same room, the same bed, not wanting to have sex. And this one, I never thought of walking several strides ahead of your partner. Oh wow. I never thought of that. Did you know? But it is a distancing way. It's literally physically to pull back. We talked about the Phantom ex and nobody you meet now will ever measure up to that Phantom ex. And it reminded me of a story that we had dealt with at one point where a woman broke up with a man because she decided she was still in love with her husband who had passed away. And it did not occur to me at the time that this was an avoidant maneuver. Which of course it was, he wasn't even here. And she was more attached to him than she was to the boyfriend.

Craig (11:59):

I feel like you told me about that one.

Margaret (12:02):

Okay. Many avoidant people also talk about "the one". Okay. We hear a lot about the one avoidant people often believe that the one perfect person for them is out there somewhere.

Craig (12:18):

Or sometimes they'll say things like it shouldn't be this hard. It shouldn't be, it shouldn't be this hard. Relationships should be easy. Meanwhile, they're not doing anything to make any effort.

Margaret (12:30):

Once you find that special person, you will effortless, effortlessly connect on a totally different level. How do you avoid hooking up with an avoidant person, be aware of the distancing maneuvers that we just listed.

Craig (12:48):

It's really important that you pay close attention to how people are in the very beginning,

Margaret (12:53):

Really important.

Craig (12:55):

Because you'll get attached and then you'll already find yourself attached to somebody and then you're just thinking about them all the time, wondering about them all the time, when they're doing off, you know, they're off doing their own thing.

Margaret (13:10):

And lots of people say to us, I'm sure to you too, Craig. I ignored the red flags in the beginning. Of course, you know, you're excited. You're interested in this person and it's very easy to ignore the red flags. Don't do it. You'll pay. Okay. Be careful of the benefit of the doubt. If something bothers you, you deal with it. Yeah.

Craig (13:33):

That's why it's very important that you focus on understanding how to choose a good partner. That's right. And I believe that's the first video in the first workbook, choosing a good partner. So you guys learn from the beginning, what is healthy? What's unhealthy? Because if your partner is not healthy, there's going to be a breakup. Absolutely. It ain't going to last.

Margaret (13:57):

Absolutely. and one of the things that I'm going to talk about more in a few minutes is that you need to make your needs known from day one. Okay. And oftentimes avoidant partners get very confused. If you start asking them for anything, I need more emotional support from you. They look at you kind of confused, like what? Okay. And so sometimes you have to explain what you need mean by that. You know, we're here to be a secure base for each other. I try to be there for you. I hope you try to be there for me. And sometimes we're going to have to try and read each other's emotions and that takes some work to learn.

Craig (14:39):

I feel like what happens is the anxious people are afraid to confront them because they're going to abandon them. Right. So they keep it to themselves. But then that just makes the avoidant feel like they can get away with whatever they want, invest very little and then they just get less and less invested in the relationship. That's right. And you're just as invested because you're, if not more, because now you're trying to be patient and calm and you're hoping that they'll change. That's right. That's right. So there are some tips on recognizing avoidant people. It's really important that you start to recognize these kinds of things. And especially if you're single and you're looking to date somebody new or date new people and you want to find healthier people because a lot of times, you know, the avoidants will leave you feeling like you're not cared about, like, you're not important, but you're not worthy.

Craig (15:46):

Right. And then a lot of times they feel, make you feel like it's all your fault. They often do because they honestly don't know in the beginning that it isn't. Yeah. Okay. So we're going to do some more videos on avoidants, but hopefully this one was good to help you understand some of the things you need to be aware of some of the behavior patterns you'll see and maybe help identify, "Oh my gosh, the person that I'm dating with, or I just broke up with was an avoidant"