I'm going to be talking to about women need to wonder about you. So this is really important to understand time and space in dating and in relationships. But especially when you're dating somebody new and they don't know a lot about you. It seems like lately I've had a lot of people in my Skype calls asking me questions about dating and navigating, especially if they're coming out of a longterm relationship, they haven't dated in a long time and they don't know what to do. So this is going to be a really important video for you guys, because one of the biggest things that I see men do, especially early in dating, is coming on too strong and not being a challenge. Let me say that again, coming on too strong and not being a challenge. So a lot of our behavior in dating and relationships has to do with our self worth and our self esteem.
Craig (01:53):
We all want a secure partner, because if you think about it, secure partners are trusting. They're patient. They're understanding they're easy going. They're fun. They're good at communicating. They often like intimacy. It's just ideal. They're supportive. They're confident, really they're confident. And so when a secure guy is single, he's going to display those behaviors when he's dating, right? So he's going to take his time to get to know people. He's going to recognize his value. And he's going to look for what he considers to be his best option. Now you have insecure people and of course we're all insecure in our own ways, but the more insecure you are, the more behaviors you're going to display. That is a turnoff. So think about it. The insecure people always get anxious, or even avoidant because they feel so overwhelmed by the closeness. But anxiety often causes us to do really unattractive behavior. We get angry. We lash out, we get manipulative, we get controlling, we lose our temper. We lose emotional self control. Sometimes we get manipulative and controlling. We don't listen. And we're generally not fun to be around. Right? And the more often we do it, the more our partners aren't going to want to be around us. So you also have to think if you're doing a lot of these behaviors, you can't retain emotional self control. You are a danger to that person. Now they're scared of you. They feel threatened by you because you could lose your temper and hurt them. So you got to be aware that when you behave like that, women by nature are going to be scared. They're not going to want to be close to you. They're going to want to stay distant from you. They can't trust you. Okay. So insecure guys often don't I believe that they have any value, right?
Craig (04:19):
So when you believe that, and you're scared of that, you act in that way, especially the preoccupied anxious people. What happens with them is for some reason that anxiety wants to take over and make us control that person to keep them with us. And then that just makes them want to run and leave the situation. So one of the things that I see all the time is that women are more drawn to avoidant men. And you know, the guys that are considered jerks, you know, that are players. Why? Well, I think part of it has to do with, they display a confident kind of behavior. Now, in many ways, they're not confident, but because they're independent, it looks like they are this confidence self-assured person. When reality they're really terrified of any kind of connection or commitment. And they're likely to leave the woman and hurt the woman whereas the preoccupied, anxious guys are often working harder to make the relationship work. The more caring, the more considerate. Now, of course, there's, you know, a continuum here and the more anxious you are, you're not going to be as caring and considerate. But I tend to find that more anxious guys are thoughtful and trying to be there for the women. Sometimes it's too much. Sometimes it's actually overwhelming. And they don't like that. Okay. Now, guys, you got to understand that if you don't correct this, if you don't really work on becoming a more secure person, these behaviors are going to come out. Especially in time. In the beginning, you might be able to put on a show and you know, do your best behaviors. But in time they're gonna see right through it because women know how to weed out guys fast. Here's a simple technique. They could do. Not even a technique. They take their time replying to some guys. If she senses you're anxious, she might stop replying to you or taking a long time because she wants to see what you do. Do you leave her alone or do you continue to reach out, reach out, reach out. And then she's like, Oh boy, here. She could see right through it. And then next thing you know, she loses interest. Some guys, like I said earlier, come on strong in the beginning that it turns women off. You might be one of these guys telling women that you want to marry them before you've even met them. You should hear how many women tell me guys are doing this on their dating sites. They're Oh, I love you. I want to get engaged. I want to marry you. I want to move to be with you. Haven't even met. But think about what that saying about you. You know what I mean? Like how much value do you really have to do that? So coming on too strong is one of the fastest ways to turn a woman off. So I got an email from a guy that I did a Skype with not that long ago. And he wanted to ask me some questions based on what was going on with this situation now. So he said, hi, Craig, hope you and Margaret are doing well. I originally came to you with a different breakup in the spring. I just wanted to tell you the call was really helpful. And I learned a lot. I started seeing a new Ooh girl right away. She and I were dating for about four months when she started to lose interest, we were never official, so we are technically in a breakup situation. In our Skype, we were talking about dating. And you were talking about getting women to think about you and wonder what is going on with you. I wanted to give you an update on what's going on since our call. You are right when you said that dating seemed to be overwhelming for me and brings out my insecurities. I really had no idea how much I didn't know about dating and relationships. It actually didn't even hit me about what you told me until this new relationship fell apart as well. So even though we the call, he didn't have that aha moment that we get when we figure things out until another relationship fell apart and then it probably hit him. Wow, I am really insecure. And I got to do something about that. Thanks to you. I realize I have an anxious attachment style and I'm working on that. Your knowledge workbooks are actually helping me a lot, but I am still learning. So I still get anxious and confused. I actually do get a lot of questions about the workbooks and the only place you can get them is on my website. Askcraig.Net. You just click on the little tab that says workbooks. I have one through five, and then I have the elite series six through 10, or you could get the whole bundle one through 10 and save cause I have it at a discount. So let me go on here. He said, you said that because I've been so available that women are losing interest and then I'm not being any kind of challenge. But I had no idea that was even wrong. I thought I was supposed to be texting girls all the time in order to get her to like me. And when I like a girl a lot, I want to tell her, well, you know, I could totally understand what you feel like that when I was younger, I didn't understand this.
Craig (10:27):
My mom and dad didn't sit me down and explain dating in any way. I think both of them were clueless. But you know, I navigated in the similar fashion. I thought you wanted to text someone all the time. I thought you wanted to talk to them all the time and you know, spend hours on the phone and tell somebody how you feel. But there are negative consequences to that. Okay. And that's why it's so important. That one I'm telling you, you stay disciplined with the girls that you like. See oftentimes with the girls we're not too crazy about. It's easy to behave in a natural way where you're not coming on too strong. But when we really liked somebody and we fantasize about who they are or what might happen with us, we come on so strong. And it's so important that you do these strategies with those people otherwise you mess up with the people that you're really hoping for a shot with. So when you come on too strong and you tell a girl that you like her so quickly, she doesn't wonder about things anymore. There's no mystery. There's no excitement. There's no laying her head on the pillow at night and thinking, I wonder if he's going to call me again. I wonder when he's going to text me. I wonder if he had a good time. You put all the cards out on the table with somebody that you don't really know. And you know, if you tell someone you liked them a lot right away, it doesn't really give them an opportunity to showcase who they are to show their personality and the qualities they could bring to the table. Right? Because you're, you're just like, well, you know, we went out two times, let's be exclusive. It's Whoa, I like you a lot. Okay. But you don't really know them. Right? It's really important. You understand that. And when you're willing to give up being singled to be in a committed relationship, it's like, you know, you're throwing away your value if you don't really know that person, because in other words, you have tons of options. And you're saying I'm giving up all those options for you. Even though we barely know each other. And we just started dating a couple of weeks ago. I think you got to take your time because you want to show, Hey, I got plenty of options. Show me why would be a good fit. I'll show you. You show me, it's gotta be both people trying to show each other. And if you're jumping all in, when you don't really know somebody, it doesn't really give a, a chance for both of you guys to do that.
Craig (13:13):
There's another way to look at it. Let's say you're looking for a job. And the first place you get interviewed hires you at minimum wage. Well, if you just accept minimum wage without looking at what the other offers are, then you're going to be settling for less. You want to go to a place where you're going to get your full value, but if you say, okay, I'll take minimum wage. That's all you're going to get. And it looks eager. It looks needy. Now, if you believe that you have true value, you're going to say, you know what? I'm going to have to think about it. That's less than what I was expecting. And this is what I'm going to need for a salary. And if you guys can't do that, I think I'm going to have to go elsewhere. You see, you know, your value and you're acting accordingly. It's really important that you do that. That is what secure guys do in relationships. They're not going to jump into something with somebody that are really know they're going to take their time. They're going to be confident that if this isn't the right person, I'm going to see who else might be. Alright, let me go on with the email. He said, I feel like I'm doing something wrong with my dating life. This really messes me up because when I see a girl is on social media all the time, like Snapchat or Instagram, I assume she's talking with other guys all the time and not me. So I feel like I have to keep up with those guys. Or she will wind up liking them more. It makes me really anxious so I can't help but message her. Okay? What you can help but message her. You got to take your time. Let her think about you. Let her wonder what you're doing. Let her think about the time in between your dates to wonder how life is going for you. You know, if you're texting all the time, you're not going to have much to say when you're in person, you've said everything. Plus the excitement that comes with texting somebody new will get boring and it will fade away and then there'll be less attracted, right? Cause they won't be thinking about you as much. So you've got to think about these things. You want to take a girl out, have a great time, get to know her, show her who you are, see what you guys have in common. See if you guys would be a good fit and then you set another date in like another week. You don't want to text all day long. It gets boring. They lose interest, not as exciting. And then they start wondering about those guys that aren't texting them all day long. Believe it or not. He goes on to say, as you may remember with the girl I was dating, we were talking every day. At first things were going really good.
Craig (16:23):
Once we started hooking up, it was good for a few months. She seemed to like me. I would message her in the morning. And then probably a bunch of times throughout the day, I thought it was going good. And I probably didn't realize it wasn't until her texts were getting shorter in length. And she was taking longer to answer. Then the last time I asked her to get together, she says, she's not sure what she wants right now. And started making excuses not to see me. The first time was when she canceled on a date that I thought was all set. Her reason was that she was too tired from work. I was shocked. I said, but we have plans to go to dinner. She said, no, I told you it should work, but I would call you when I got out of work. Now I'm calling you on my way home from work and I'm not up for it tonight. So was that rude? Well, they didn't have definite plans, but maybe she was testing him because he was coming on so strong and wanted to see what he was going to do. Is he going to get all upset or is he going to say, okay, you know, I didn't really like that. You're canceling last minute. I thought we had plans, but fine. You know, contact me when you're free something more casual and relaxed, you know? But he says, I got really upset on the phone with her. I tried to hold it in, but she knew I was mad. Yup. This is why guys you want to make sure you have definite dates. You have a definite time, a place, a plan in place. And it's confirmed. You don't want to settle for, we'll see or maybes. Because a lot of times they're just going to cancel on you to make matters worse. She posted on Instagram a few hours later with friends. I was so pissed. I deleted her off Instagram. Well, if she was testing you, you walked right into that trap and you failed it because he got angry. You got upset. And then you deleted her. How is a woman supposed to feel safe if you're going to get upset over things like that? It's not easy to get to this place to get secure, confident, but it's really where you want to be.
Craig (18:59):
She actually texted me in the morning and asked me if I had deleted her. Oh, she knew she saw, I tried to lie it first and played dumb, but I couldn't tell where I could tell she didn't believe me. So I told her the truth. Well, at least he told the truth. She probably knows you were trying to lie. But again, it goes and chose a reflection of how insecure you are. After that day. She started making other excuses. She was sick, busy work with work, et cetera. Well, you know, if somebody is going to start making excuses and not as excited or eager to see you don't be as excited or eager to see them either. You don't want to be all in on somebody. Who's obviously making excuses like I'm tired. I don't know if she was tired or she just wanted to go out with her friends or she really was tired and she got so annoyed by you that she decided to go out with friends, who knows. So I stopped reaching out. I've been working on the knowledge every day, but I know I still have a lot to learn. After about two weeks of leaving her alone, she messaged me and hinted that she was free one evening, you see, you gave her some time and some space to wonder about what was going on. If you had lost interest, if you had forgotten about her or just said, I'm moving forward. And then she reached out, she wouldn't have reached out and hinted if she was completely done with you.
Craig (20:49):
So I invited her to hang out. We actually did and had a really good time. Now she's going away with her family. And she said, she'll be back in about two weeks. Should I reach out to her on the trip or wait until she gets home? Okay. Well, if I was in that situation, I would probably see if she reaches out to you before her trip. And if she does say, Hey, have a great time with your family, have a lot of fun. And let me know. When you get back in town, we could get together. You can tell me all about it and just let her do her thing right now. You know, if she wants to contact you on the trip, she will. But the last thing you want to do is start contacting her. Cause you miss her on the trip. And then she gets annoyed. She says, Oh well, I'm with my family right now. Why are you reaching out? You know, I'm coming home in a week or whatever it is. So you want to give her some time she wants to reach out to you when she's on the trip. Great. If not, she'll probably reach out when she gets home. Okay? But guys, you really do have to display confidence and give people the opportunity to choose you as well. Let them think about you. Let them wonder about you. You reach out, you set a date, you make a definite date, time place, all that stuff. How are you going to meet? Have a great time. And then you try and set up a date for the next week. And if she reaches out to you, great, but don't spend all day on the phone, texting or calling. You want to have fun in person. That's really where you're going to convey your personality and you're going to have a great time with them.