Let Them Go To Get Them Back

Today we're going to be talking about, let them go to get them back. Does that make sense to you, Margaret?

Margaret (00:49):

In a weird kind of way. It really does in a weird kind of way.

Craig (00:54):

You know, Margaret, before you share what you have today, I wanted to say, people always ask us about the law of attraction and does the law of attraction work for dating. And for me, I don't know how you feel about this, but for me, it's almost the opposite of what people say the law of attraction is when it comes to re-attracting an ex. For me, it's almost like you don't manifest them by thinking about them. You kind of manifest them back by saying, that's it I'm done. I'm moving on with my life. And then they kind of sense it. I don't know how, I don't know why, you know,

Margaret (01:30):

So the law of attraction would say where your focus is, that's what you're going to get put out to the universities, what you're going to get. But I don't think it works here. I've never been a great believer, I must confess, in the laws of attraction. Now I do believe there is an unconscious mind and we can draw things or not draw things to ourselves without knowing it. But I don't know about the law of attraction. There are many people who are more familiar with it than I, yeah, but for me, in my experience with breakups, it's almost just seems like that letting go is when they start to somehow sense it or feel it.

Craig (02:09):

Absolutely. But you can't inauthentically do it. You can't fake it. You really have to process and deal and heal and grow. And when you really genuinely mean it, that's when they tend to come back, I call it a disturbance in the force. Yet the disturbance, a disturbance in the ether is something other people will say, and I've always called it the airwaves. Yeah. That's just my take on it. You guys can disagree if you want. That's totally understandable. But in my case, and just seeing breakups all the time, I just see it so often. It's just, it just blows me away. And even in my own life where I've got to places with certain people where I was okay with not being with them, it's when they wanted me. Of course.

Craig (03:00):

So, we're going to talk about how letting go can actually get someone back.

Margaret (03:06):

We're going to talk mostly about letting go because so many people struggle terribly with it. And I have two sets of thoughts on it today. Now this one is almost a guided imagery. It's a little out there for me, a little wifi. So I hope you'll bear with me, but the reason it caught my attention is because, believe it or not, it agrees with Freud. Now for its concept of attachment and grief, he saw grief as you know, the process of letting go of attachment. And he saw it in terms of energy as does this particular author. And when, if you look at it, it's the classic denial, anger

Craig (03:51):

Bargaining

Margaret (03:55):

Grief, and then finally acceptance. So when you get to acceptance, you have withdrawn your energy from the object, whether it's a loss of a partner or someone has passed, whatever. So he sees it as a slow process of taking your energy back. And this lady talks in terms of energy too. So let me tell you what she has to say.

Margaret (04:19):

How possibly do you let let go of someone who you really love? And she goes back to the beginning of the relationship and says that when you let someone into your heart, you create an energetic bond with them. In other words, there's an exchange of energy between the two of you. As your heart opens their energy mingles with yours until you are one big swirling ball of love energy. That's the fun part, right? You make your friends sick with all of the love. You're spewing. It's fun. It's awesome. You get closer still. And now your partner's energy is setting up residence in your heart. It's like you gave them a drawer in your dresser. I love that. Okay. It's like you gave the majority of dresser or space in your closet for their things. You're attached. Okay? What's actually happening, energetically is that you're building a cord of energy between the two of you.

Margaret (05:22):

You have cords of energy between you and all the people you let into your life. Friends, relatives, coworkers, etcetera. But the strongest cord is usually between you and your partner. It's built on love, experiences, shared dreams and future plans. Okay? So what happens when you break up energetically, the cord can rip and tear, a disruption occurs the love energy that used to flow back and forth between you is now poison, angry, upset, etcetera. And that cord continues to pump energy into you. Where once it was good, now, it doesn't feel good at all. When you're ready to let go of your ex energetically, there are ways you can do it and do it so you don't hurt so badly.

Craig (06:20):

Everybody's like, please help tell me how to do it.

Margaret (06:24):

Yeah. First you've got to gently lift the cord up and out of your energetic body and let it fall gently to the floor in peace, in love for your own good. And for the highest good to do this, repeat this mantra, or use it as an example and create your own.

Craig (06:44):

Okay? So she wants you to kind of visualize a mantra.

Margaret (06:48):

Visualize it while you say this mantra to yourself, I release your energy from mine. I send you peace, love and compassion. I appreciate the love we shared, but now it's time to let you go. I wish you well, then literally imagine yourself lifting the cord up out of your heart and let it walk to gently to the ground. This will release you from their energy. So it doesn't continue to negatively affect you. If your ex wants to keep pumping hatred or blame or anger through the court, it will no longer be anchored in you. And that's his or her choice to keep doing that if desire, but you've literally unplugged

Craig (07:34):

From that person. Okay. That's an interesting visualization. I just kind of imagined like a, like a power cord going into your heart. And you're just like, and then you're like thoughts down on the ground, you know? And just like, you know, and so if there's anger and hatred, it spews out, but you walk, you left the court and you walked away. Yeah.

Margaret (07:58):

There's no longer that conduit, that cord that connection. So I thought it was useful. You need, you may need to do this several times until you really feel released from your ex's energy.

Craig (08:09):

Yeah, for sure. I definitely think you'd have to do that several times.

Margaret (08:12):

Yeah. I'm sure you would. Most people try to rip the cord from their body, leaving pieces behind like angry shrapnel that continues to poison you over the years. It's far better to take the arrow out and clean the area without leaving any of the barbs behind. When you released the energetic could between you, you may feel like there's a gaping hole in your heart to close the wound, use this mantra. I am whole and complete within myself. I am worthy of being loved for who I truly am. I am always connected to the universe. I feel love around me. And remember that I am never truly alone. When you were saying this mantra, imagine a beautiful, pure white light coming into your body and filling you with love. And I like the image again, of a hole in your heart. I've had so many people literally say that to me. You know, since my partner is gone, I feel like I have a hole in my heart. That is how you feel. Yeah.

Craig (09:19):

Yeah. For me, I felt like a giant gaping hole in my chest. Yeah. But yeah, heart too. But too, it's like, yeah. In your chest, it really felt like it. Yeah. It's just unreal.

Margaret (09:34):

Anyway, I'm not particularly into guided imageries either. But I liked this one and I thought the theory was sound behind it. Yeah.

Craig (09:44):

Because you know, you've talked to me about Freud many times over the year and how he believed in energy. Okay.

Margaret (09:51):

Energy. his whole theory. The steam engine was a fairly new thing when Freud was coming up with his theory and much of it is based on energy and energy flow. Hmm. Yeah. There's a little tidbit of useless information for you, but I, I saw the parallel here. Yeah. Yeah.

Craig (10:10):

And I really do think that somehow letting someone go a sense, it, they actually feel it and you've seen it in your work. I've seen it in mine. It's just, yeah.

Margaret (10:23):

Yeah. And then, and only then might you have a chance of reconnecting in a different way. You have sort of cleaned out the bad stuff.

Craig (10:33):

Yeah. And if you're processing and dealing with it, then you really get to a good place where you can try and start something good again. Sometimes I think there are just things that we don't have explanations.

Margaret (10:45):

Absolutely. There are. And I think there are kinds of communication that we can't explain yet. Yeah. This lady's name, if you're interested, is Erin Pavlina, if you want to look her up on the computer,

Craig (11:02):

It was called how to energetically let of an ex.

Margaret (11:09):

Okay. That's my story.

Why Is My Ex Silent?

Today we're going to be talking about: why is my ex silent?

Margaret (00:49):

The first question we hear, isn't it,

Craig (00:50):

You know, it's brutal. It's absolutely brutal to go from having somebody in your life on a daily basis at any given time, you can reach out and know that they're there for you, to not being able to talk to them at all. And not only that, they don't want to talk to you. That's the worst part. They don't want to talk to you. And it's shocking. And it's like, how is this happening? Right. I can't even believe this is happening. So we're going to talk about this today at a quick email, from somebody that gave us the idea to do the topic. They said, Hey coach Craig and Margaret, I hope you are safe and doing well. I have been struggling with being isolated during COVID-19 and just wanted to tell you the workbooks are keeping me sane.

Craig (01:39):

I love them. Good. Thank you so much for saying that. I was hoping you could do a video on why we don't hear from our ex right away. I am constantly checking his phone to see if he messages me. Isn't he even tempted to reach out? I would think he would at least miss talking to me. Yeah. This is a big question that we have of why aren't they reaching out? Don't they even miss me? Don't they even think about me. Yeah. That's why it feels like they don't think about us because their behaviors just such a drastic change where they've gone from, you know, connecting with you and talking with you and having a good time with you. I mean, sometimes even the week of saying, I love you. And next thing you know, they're like, nah, I can't do this anymore.

Craig (02:32):

I can't do this anymore. But that doesn't mean I don't love you, which is true. Yeah. And you're like, but wait, what can we talk about this? And the more you try and talk them into trying to repair it the more they're like, no, I just can't. And you're you spiral. And I know, cause I've done that, but you really just have to let them go. Yeah. Yeah. Because any attempts at repairing it, now aren't going to work, which affects us on such a deep level that we literally feel like we're going to die without them. Right. That connection is what makes us feel safe. And so to say to somebody, you know, okay. But I'll let them go. It's like, what? Now? I feel like I'm going to die without this person. Like literally

Margaret (03:16):

Feels like a physical wound. Like something was removed, like your heart maybe. Yeah.

Craig (03:21):

Yeah. And so just letting them go is one of the hardest things I think you ever have to do because everything inside you, everything your brain tells you to do is to repair it.

Margaret (03:34):

You even get extra hormones for that. We found out that your brain says, your primitive brain says, get them back. Here's a little more energy to do it, get them back now.

Craig (03:45):

And I think that what causes your brain to have the obsessive thoughts, right. You know where these obsessive, intrusive thoughts keep coming again and again and again, where you just can't get off of this carousel of obsessing about them, where they're at, what they're doing, who they're with.

Margaret (04:03):

It's noon. Have they thought about me yet today?

Craig (04:06):

I know what it's like. It's horrible. It's the worst feeling in the world. And you know, like as your day goes, "I'm used to talking to this person at this point in the day", you know, like I would call the Applebee's girl, as soon as I was done with part of my day, I at a certain time every day. And then it was like, aren't they thinking about me at this time? How could they not be thinking about me at this time? This is the time where we connect every day.

Margaret (04:33):

Really saying I'm used to talking to them at this time and I might miss it a little, but I'm kind of glad I don't have to do it. Cause they're still in the relief stage.

Craig (04:41):

Right? Exactly. Which we talked about in another video with the stages of what your ex goes through in no contact, check that video out. It's a good one. But yeah, I remember what the Applebee's girl, I asked her, I'm like, don't you miss talking to me at this time? Every day it was like three ish, three 30 or something like that. And she's like, no, I didn't even notice. And it was like, ah, how, how?

Margaret (05:04):

I don't even know if I believe it. If you're used to talking to somebody at a certain time of day, it's pretty hard to,

Craig (05:10):

I, I don't, I don't know if I necessarily believe her either. She doesn't want to let the wall down

Margaret (05:15):

And that's another reason why they stay so silent. They don't want to lift the wall.

Craig (05:20):

Yeah. And we're going to talk about, yeah, we're going to talk about that, but it's so overwhelming to go from talking to this person all day, every day, to them not wanting to talk to you for whatever reason, it's just the worst. You know, you're staring at that phone and you're watching their social media. It was so hard for me not to look at social media and Facebook all the time. Even, you know, people will get so obsessed with trying to connect with them that they'll watch when people are online and offline, different apps like Facebook, if you see that they logged in, it's now like, Oh, okay. I know that they're okay. Or if they're online with like WhatsApp or Instagram. Sometimes it'll show you they're still online. And you're like, Oh, I feel closer to them. We're online at the same time. We're connected.

Margaret (06:14):

Oh yeah, it's horrible.

Craig (06:17):

It is. And then we look at their social media for any updates and where they're at, what they're doing. And we, we tell you guys not to look, right.

Margaret (06:25):

And some people will say, I know I shouldn't. Yeah.

Craig (06:27):

Yeah. But it's, it's not going to help. Especially if you're watching this like a story. If they know that you're watching their stories on Instagram or Facebook, I wouldn't do that. And be very, very careful. If you look at their profile, you should hear how many people will tell me. I accidentally liked the picture and now they know, and then they tried to unlike it, but I know that they saw it. So you gotta be so careful about that. 

Margaret (06:58):

And that's not a message you want to give them exactly. It's not a message you want to give them.

Craig (07:03):

That's fine. Yeah. You don't want them to think that you're sitting there obsessing about them and wondering about them. You want them to wonder too, like you're experiencing because that's going to be more of an impact on them, right? So you're in this emotional state where your body is in primal panic. Your brain is obsessed with where they're at, what they're doing. And every second away from them feels like an eternity and you just want to repair it and reconnect. It's so hard. And we, we completely lose ourselves in a breakup because all it becomes about is them, where are they at? What are they doing? Right. That we neglect our own needs. We don't sleep. We don't eat. You may have stomach issues.

Margaret (07:50):

People complain about indigestion of some sort. You can't focus. You can't concentrate.

Craig (07:55):

Yeah. Your body's releasing chemicals in it. It's good to be, to get active if you can, to help with the chemicals. Right? Yeah. But you know, your ex is silent for a bunch of different reasons and we have some really good ones today that you're gonna like, because it's going to help you get their perspective more. As you may have heard in our other video where we're talking about the stages of no contact or what your ex goes through and no contact there initially feeling relief.

Margaret (08:27):

Yeah. They're feeling relieved because they're worried about this for weeks and months. Right. And so they're relieved

Craig (08:34):

That it's done. The breakup is over. They've made their decision and now they're in a state of, okay, I'm sitting with this. They may not be happy about it. The initial stages that they're just so relieved that they finally, you, what was bothering them, that they made that they were able to do it. You know? So one major reason that they're not going to reach out to you, they're not going to contact you is because they're afraid that if they do, you're gonna take it as them trying to get back together and repair it. Right. You know?

Margaret (09:15):

And there may be one part of them that wants to, and they don't want to go through this again, you know? Yeah.

Craig (09:21):

Right now they're okay with their decision. Right. Okay. Now we talk about feelings changing and it's absolutely true. But in the beginning, you're, if they reach out, you're just going to try and change your mind. You're going to do more of the manipulation, more the begging, more grand gestures, more handwritten letters. And it's only going to make them feel more and more frustrated.

Margaret (09:40):

It worked for us financially. Look at the money you saved. And I was paying half the rent.

Craig (09:44):

Yeah. If you're trying to tell him that. But, and what about visitation with the cat? Yeah. Yeah. Anything you're going to come up with to try and talk them into it. Right. But that's just going to put pressure on them and they're going to put their walls up even higher when you're putting pressure on them to try and get what you want. And eventually they're going to get annoyed, right? Yeah, of course. Sure. But in this relief stage, they're initially just trying to separate from you. Right. And the other big thing is that they're not going to know what to say to you. That's right.

Margaret (10:20):

I think a big one. What are they going to say? Are you okay? I was worried about you when I heard about the virus or the hurricane or the terrible windstorm. Yeah.

Craig (10:29):

It's an awkward state because here we have one person trying to repair it and, and talk them into fixing things. And the other person is like, no, no, no.

Margaret (10:40):

And yet I can't even think about a reunion.

Craig (10:43):

So they don't know what to say to you. And even if they reached out to you often, even if you heard from them once a week, right. No matter what you got, it's still not going to be enough for you. Right. As the dumpee, no matter how often they reach out to you, you're still going to want more. If, if they reached out once a week, you're going to want twice a week. If they reach out once a month, they're going to want twice a month. It doesn't matter. You're wanting to reconnect with them. So no matter what it is, you're going to want more. And nothing is going to feel like enough to you, unless they're actually saying let's fix this. So don't get too caught up in. They're not reaching out that often.

Margaret (11:29):

I understand that it would be unusual for them to reach out at this stage of the breakup.

Craig (11:36):

Absolutely. Another thing is that if they left you to date somebody else, they don't want you to know what they're doing.

Margaret (11:46):

And they don't want to hear from you about how you feel about it either.

Craig (11:49):

Because at that point they don't care. Right. That's how they're going to feel that that's at least how they're going portray it.

Margaret (11:55):

And that's pretty often the case. Yeah. Yeah. Is there people, you know, did have their eye on someone maybe, or, or after the, the sense of loss of leaving you, they got right on a dating site, which of course makes the, dumpee feel like they're lost forever already. And we'll go off into the sunset with whoever this is.

Craig (12:14):

So a lot of times they don't want you to know what they're doing. And a lot of times they're trying to hide what they are doing because in a way, to use the expression, "They don't want you, but they don't want you to find somebody else." Right. And that's true because they don't want to completely let you go. Because if you find somebody else now, they're going to feel like, Oh my gosh, now I've lost them. Right. So it's, it's an interesting balance of, I don't want to tell you what to do, but I can't stop you from doing what you want. You can date other people. And then if you do, then they're going to experience the loss and they're going to be scared again. Yeah. So they don't want you to know what they're doing. They don't want to explain to you what they're doing. Many of us would probably be pushing well, are you going out? Are you seeing anybody else? Are you dating anybody else? They're going to lie in a lot of cases. Yes. They do. Boldly, blatantly

Margaret (13:17):

A lot of cases. Yeah. Nor is it any of your business at that point? And that's true. It really isn't. That's true. It's so hard to hear that this person has ended it with you. So I don't want you to be part of my life anymore. And why would they tell you anything

Craig (13:31):

Now? Sometimes it's because they don't want to hurt you. Right. That's a big one. Yeah.

Margaret (13:35):

Yes. And I think it is genuinely a big one.

Craig (13:38):

Yeah. I mean, they don't want to hurt you. I mean, even though they're moving,

Margaret (13:41):

You're not, it doesn't mean they didn't like you and have love you and have feelings for you. Yeah.

Craig (13:44):

I mean, sometimes they're angry at you for if you mistreated them or something and then they do want to hurt you. But generally it's not that they want to hurt you. And you know, they don't want to ruin things if they change their mind and want you back. So maybe they're keeping it a secret that they're dating somebody new because they think, well, if they find out, then they're not gonna want me back. Right. So there can be some selfishness, some guilt.

Margaret (14:13):

I don't think anybody wants to hurt their ex partner. It's hard enough to do it. It took them weeks or months to work up the courage to do it. And they, they said, they're sad. And they feel guilty because even if they've been with you for a length of time or a year or more say than they feel like they're still treating on you, although they'll do it, they still feel a little bit.

Craig (14:37):

I like that. Yeah. And, you know, energetically, you know, pulling out of the relationship and it's exhausting. Right? You want to talk about that?

Margaret (14:49):

Yes. and I will talk a little bit about my friend, dr. Freud and the way he thought about grief, whether it's a death or a breakup or whatever, is that you have invested a whole lot of energy in your partner and the process of grief, which takes time, is the time when you slowly withdraw that energy from that person and it's time consuming. And of course, if you do it effectively over time, you will become less obsessed and so forth and so on. But you've expended an enormous amount of energy through the breakup. And you don't have much left when you're in that, you know, relief stage.

Craig (15:32):

So they're not going to have the energy to contact, you know, and to see how you're doing or to see what's going on before all those reasons

Margaret (15:42):

They're still recovering themselves. And we forget that. I think everything's just hunky Dory with them. Probably not. Yep.

Craig (15:50):

If it took all the energy to pull out of the relationship and disconnect from you and then what would happen if they reconnected with you, you would be desperately trying to get that repair with them, which would be an exhausting thing. Couldn't do it. They, yeah. They don't have the energy. They don't, they're not in the right place for it. This is why it often takes time to retract the next and have another chance with them.

Margaret (16:16):

And it's very hard to tell people that it's going to take time. I mean, they, the first question is how long is this going to take? And now I have people who very politely preface it with, I know you hate this question, but how long is it going to take? You know, it just depends. It depends different variables, the length and the quality of the relationship, what your family history is, what your history of attachment is, what your style is, hundreds of things go into it, you know?

Craig (16:46):

And, what about the grief process, Margaret, you know, that's exhausting,

Margaret (16:52):

Utterly exhausting, and it's really no different from grieving. Someone who has passed away. Part of the grief process is slowly withdrawing your energy. Part of the grief process is reviewing the relationship. And that's very important. You think about when you met and when you had your honeymoon period and some of the wonderful times you had some of the highlights of the things you did together. You're also gonna remember the not so good times when you fought and things were difficult and you felt unloved, or like, you know, your partner was ignoring you. So part of the process is also to review the experience and the relationship. Okay. And all of that takes time. Absolutely. Yeah. And, you know, we're an instant gratification society now. And I think, although it's wonderful that we can find information as fast as we can. Some including human emotion require process. And I think we've kind of lost our sense of process, but you have to trust that process, the grief process, if you're reasonably healthy will take place and it will take place in its own time. Yeah. And you got it.

Craig (18:06):

And to give them that time to do it right. And in the meantime, you've got to work through it yourself and you've got to heal and you got to become a more confident version of yourself that you can show them that you've changed. And that if you get in front of them again, they're going to notice those changes. And they're going to feel that connection with you again, because you're not trying to manipulate them. Right. Like you were.

Margaret (18:37):

But when you're in that desperate state, it's very hard not to,

Craig (18:40):

It's so hard not to, we understand.

Margaret (18:42):

Right. But even if you've grown a little, it will be very important at your next contact. Cause your partner will see it. Feel, it sense it.

Craig (18:50):

It's totally normal for your partner, your ex, to be silent in a breakup. I would expect it.

Margaret (18:58):

It's no reflection on you. You weren't so awful that they had to totally block you out. It's not because you were awful. It's because it's part of what happens.

Craig (19:08):

And it's not necessarily reflective in if they will change their mind or

Margaret (19:14):

No. No, it doesn't mean a thing on that count

Craig (19:16):

Because we would expect most breakups, almost all breakups for an ex to need time and to be silent before they did an indirect, direct approach with you or reached out.

Margaret (19:29):

Yeah. Again, on the topic of grief. If you just look at religious practices, it tells you something the Jewish folks have an unveiling a year after the Catholics have an anniversary mass. And I'm sure there are many other practices that I don't know. So it's kind of like the world is saying, and the religions are saying, think in terms of process and think in terms of a year.

Craig (19:54):

Yep. Now we're not saying that it's going to take a year before y'all hear from your ex.

Margaret (19:59):

No, not at all, but it, it does tell us something about historical wisdom about the process.

Craig (20:05):

Exactly. Which is what we're trying to teach you is that breakups are a process and your job is to work on your personal growth as much as you possibly can and this time it's either going to show them and you'll get another opportunity with them again. Or you're going to be a much better, more confident version of yourself.

Margaret (20:29):

And of course, there's always a learning experience involved. Yeah. You know you may come out of it knowing more about yourself, more about the sort of person that you need to be with more about what your attachment needs and needs for closeness and distance. So critical. There are so many opportunities to grow, even though it's a miserable experience.

Craig (20:50):

Yeah, it is. Right. I do find that the anxiety keeps us driven though. So if there's one thing that I do love about our breakup, it's how motivated people are to change their lives. It's incredible. It's absolutely incredible. And you know, if a breakup was easy, you probably wouldn't think twice about it and really wouldn't grow as a person. Right? So use the motivation. Nobody would have a partner for more than 20 minutes, use the motivation to grow and to change and to become the best version of yourself. We have hundreds of videos on it, and we're always looking for new ways to educate you guys. But the more you're focused on the personal growth stuff, the better off you're going to be. And the better off your chances are going to be to retract your ex.

Margaret (21:41):

But I'm just thinking again about the silence. Any silence gives an opportunity for anxiety to creep in there. You know, and more, more opportunities for you to beat yourself up. And then you think, well, I haven't heard from this person for three or four months, I must be a terrible person. No, it's not about that. Okay. And you didn't make this decision.

Craig (22:06):

Nope. And we're here. If you want to get our help personally, just go to my website, AskCraig.net, sign up for the coaching option that works best for you. I do email coaching and I do Skype. Margaret is available for Skype coaching. If you feel like I can be helpful, please sign up. Just click on Margaret on the top of the channel to do that. That's it for this video.

No Contact and The Coronavirus

Today we're going to be talking about no contact and the Corona virus. Well, obviously we're in a very difficult situation all around the world right now. And we're in a very unique situation, at least for this time, because we haven't seen something like this in many years,

Margaret (01:04):

certainly in my lifetime, and God knows I've been around a long time. Yeah. the last major epidemic we had in this country was in 1918. Yeah. And that was a pandemic that the soldiers brought home from world war one when it ended. And that was called the Spanish influenza. Not because it originated in Spain, but because most governments tried to downplay it, but Spain had a free press and they let the world know what was really going on.

Craig (01:38):

So their reward for that was they got, they got themselves forever connected to it. Exactly. but obviously so many of your struggling with your breakup and you've been in no contact and now, Oh yeah. You're in this situation where you are really wanting to reach out and talk to that person I've had and see how they're doing. Yeah. I've had a lot of people message me, email me. People are asking me about it and Skypes in my email coachings. It's been coming up a lot. So we thought we'd talk about it. It's obviously gotten to the point where it's affecting everybody. Well, it's making everyone anxious for one reason or another. And if you're recently separated from a partner, the anxiety must be double awful because if you are still connected to that person and how can you not be, you're going to wonder how they're doing right.

Craig (02:39):

And you're going to worry. Yep. So we're going to talk about this. I had an email that I thought was a pretty much a good summation of what I think a lot of you guys were experiencing or are experiencing. And we're going to talk about this, is it. Hi Craig, you might consider doing a video on no contact these times of crisis. Like now with the Corona virus. I know I, for one, am having a very hard time keeping in no contact during this very unusual time in our lives. I have kept the temptation away up to this point, but every day, something else gets closed down or another risk is presented and it's getting a little tougher every day. This from a guy that was doing great with no contact for almost two months. Yeah. The scary headlines we see every day, make it tougher and tougher to not check in. Just thought this might be a good idea for a video. Thanks for all you do. And your great advice on our email coaching. Well, I think we can all relate to this. Absolutely. Because I know in my area, stores are closing earlier, school is now closed for several weeks. I've looked on, Twitter and saw people in Italy.

Margaret (04:11):

Italy is having a terrible time. And they were afraid that some of what happened in Italy could happen here in that, in Italy, it moved really quickly and they didn't have the hospital supplies or personnel to really deal with it. And that's one of the worries for here.

Craig (04:28):

Yeah. , I saw, I don't know if you saw it on the news international flights, people were waiting seven hours. They'd had to get checked or whatever at the airport. I mean, and you know, they're not getting tested.

Margaret (04:43):

And we didn't have time to prepare for that. So I'm sure the lines were horrific. You couldn't get back into your room.

Craig (04:49):

Yeah. Hours and hours and hours. So I think we all can relate to how difficult this is. If a breakup isn't bad enough. Now you're worried about toilet paper. believe me. You need extra toilet paper during a breakup.

Margaret (05:05):

Yes, you do. Absolutely. Right. But let me tell you one of my major worries about, , toilet paper, you know, those nice little bears, that little bear family that shows up advertising, what is it? Charmin, Charmin. And the little bear does the little dance and says, I'm, Charmin clean. What's going to happen to the bear family. If they run out of Charmin, I can't even think.

Craig (05:29):

I think they're probably fine. They're probably the ones that starting the hoarding. It's unbelievable. And we're so sorry for all of you guys suffering through this around the world. You know what I think it'd be great if you guys shared what was going on in your area, in the comment section. So you can talk about what's been different for you. How is your life been affected by this Corona virus? , because it's been so difficult. , you know, my thinking is that, and I know maybe some of you will disagree that when somebody breaks up with you, you have to leave them alone. Okay. I really believe that even in a situation like this, I know you desperately want to reach out. I totally understand, because I would be thinking it too, but I've done this long enough to know how relationships and breakups play out. , if somebody ended the relationship with you, I would leave them alone.

Margaret (06:37):

I would agree as harsh as it sounds.

Craig (06:41):

Tell me why Margaret,

Margaret (06:42):

because grief is a process and if someone breaks up with you, you want to leave them to their grief because in the process of it, they are grieving you and they may feel a little bit differently about the breakup after they have a chance to sit with the feelings for awhile. Yeah. Any time you have a contact, it stops that process.

Craig (07:07):

Yeah. And it kind of makes them pause with it for awhile

Margaret (07:11):

To go all the way back to the beginning. , so, if what you're looking for is reconnection. It's probably not going to do that for you. Yeah. I know. It sounds caring and you're genuinely concerned. I know that, but they can contact you if they changed their mind.

Craig (07:29):

Exactly. , some of you may be looking for an excuse to reach out though as well. Of course, because a lot of times we allow our brain to trick us into reaching out. Even though we're thinking, this is a bad idea, I shouldn't do this, but then you're like, Oh, but I'm only contacted about this to make sure they're safe. Well, there's probably some element of doing it so you can reconnect with them and you know, for your own benefit there too.

Margaret (08:03):

And how can they not know then that I care. Hmm.

Craig (08:07):

Right. Yeah. , you're you're feeling like, well, I should show them. I don't want them to think that I don't care, but they were the one that ended the relationship. Right. So they need to sit with that. They need to think about that. And if they're going through this themselves, this might give them the opportunity to think, boy, I wish she was here with me or I wish he was here with me and I miss them and, and let them see that life is going to be more difficult without you. That's part of it is you want them to realize life is going to be difficult without you. We want them to miss what you brought into their life.

Margaret (08:52):

And that's to sit with the consequences when realize, as Craig has always said that you're farther away than they had planned,

Craig (09:00):

But they're not getting those consequences. If they re if, if you're still reaching out,

Margaret (09:05):

Then you have it. Then you have it with the person who broke up, having it both ways. , they broke up with you, but they still get the contact with, you know? Yeah.

Craig (09:14):

So we know it's harder because before you may have been able to go out with friends and go places, go to the movies, go to sporting events or concerts or comedy clubs or whatever you were doing. , now you're more alone, you're lonely and you're really struggling. Right.

Margaret (09:37):

And they're closing down the bars and the restaurants and any place that you could have gone to, you know, enjoy some nightlife or even meet people. ,

Craig (09:46):

And you know, I had somebody mentioned to me that it hurts even more to know, well, there's a chance, depending upon where you're at in the world, that they're at home doing nothing. And they're still not reaching out to me.

Margaret (10:02):

Absolutely. And you know, they have time on their hands. Yeah.

Craig (10:05):

Yeah, yeah. And you got to think about that because if they have all this time on their hands and they're not distracted and they're still not reaching out, that tells you, you got to leave them alone. Right. Okay. And you know, it would be frustrating to be in that situation. , and it does hurt to know that they're not reaching out to see if you're okay. Right, right. Because right now they have the perfect excuse to reach out to you and see how you're doing. And that if they're on the fence about reaching out right now, this is it. They could just contact you and say, Hey, Howard, how are you doing? I just wanted to check on you. See if you're okay? Yup. So leave it to them. Yeah. Leave it to them to have that excuse. In fact, we're going to do another video on that because I had some other emails come up regarding the Corona virus, but we wanted to really focus and just get this one out to you today that we know it's not easy.

Craig (11:08):

We know that this is making it harder. There's a lot more uncertainty. Many people are not being able to work. You might be stuck at home. You're not able to work. You're not able to leave the house. You're not able to travel, can get lonely. It can get lonely. It's scary. You know, you go to the grocery store and it had nothing there. There's not a lot there. And you see everybody panicking. It's not an easy situation. We know, but Margaret and I talked about this before we filmed this. And we put, thought into how we think you should handle this. Right. Right. Right.

Margaret (11:44):

And I mean, a breakup is anxiety provoking enough, not to mention that the entire population is in a panic.

Craig (11:51):

Absolutely. Right. It is very scary there. And we understand, , you know, of course Margaret and I are affected on it on our end. Sure. And we're having to be a lot more, cautious and right. And thinking about how we live our lives and you know, not wandering into the store every time we feel like it. Yeah, yeah. Limiting where we're going or what we're doing. And thank you for all the kind comments that I've gotten on that worried about my health or Margaret's health. Thank you. but Margaret is 884. So she survived many, a long time, many flus, many plagues. They won't bring her down, but no, we really do think that it's important that you allow them to reach out to you. Because honestly, if you think about it, they have the perfect excuse. They don't have to think about their green socks or, if they left a bag of dog food at your house, or have you seen my favorite flyswatter, it doesn't matter because now they have a reason and let them use that reason.

Craig (13:00):

Okay. They need to show you that they care too. Right. I know it's not easy. And I know some of you have probably already broken no contact to see how they're doing. And if you did share it in the comments, right. Let us know what happened. That would be great. Yeah. We are very curious about how you guys are all being affected by this. Of course, we're still doing calls and that's not slowing us down. We're still here for you. , if you want to get our help personally, just go to my website, askcraig.net and sign up for the coaching option that works best for you. I do email coaching and I do Skype. Margaret is here for Skype coaching. Please contact me if you think I can be helpful to you, but that's it for this video.