Relationship Deal Breakers (They're Great... But)

They’re Great… But (Deal Breakers)

In today’s video I’m going to talk about Deal Breakers.

What is a deal breaker? I would definite it as a quality that would disqualify someone as a dating prospect, regardless of how many other wonderful traits they have.

Sometimes we can find someone who is absolutely great. You love them, you love spending time with them… But you have a deal breaker

An issue that one of you just find unacceptable and you can’t overlook it.

In today’s video I’m going to share an excellent email I got from a 29 year old woman who just break up with her boyfriend.

Maggie: We broke up on Saturday after an argument about his drug and alcohol use. I said I was worried about his behavior and then I became quite critical and nagging. He ended it saying that although a break up wasn't what he wanted he didn't think he was the right person for me because he way he lives his life upsets me.

 Craig: I feel like you are trying to blame yourself for nagging him here. This was not a 50/50 situation where the break up was your fault. I think it’s a good sign that he is aware that his lifestyle is upsetting you. He at least some awareness that he has a problem.

Maggie:To give a background to this, we've discussed/argued about his lifestyle before. He smokes a lot of pot (like say 3 times every day). He also drinks quite a lot outside of social situations. While he's in no way an alcoholic it does sometimes worry me in combination with the pot. He admits himself that he has always used the pot to cope with everyday problems since he was young..

Craig: I think you may be minimizing his drinking and smoking. Smoking 3 times a day every day plus drinking “ a lot” is not a good sign. He is honest about how he is using substances to cope with problems.

Maggie: He had a family member pass away recently and it is affecting him. I honestly don't know whether my issues with all this is an over reaction or not. Obviously he has been through a hard time with the death. And I really couldn't care less if someone smokes pot sometimes but it's the amount that he smokes and the way he relies on it that worries me.

Craig: Losing a parent is definitely one of the hardest things a person can go through in life. It can be very painful. However, he has been coping with his issues by using substances for a long time. He has to start finding some healthy coping skills in order to have a healthy lifestyle.

I think you have a genuine concern for how often he is smoking. 

Maggie: I've been confused and stressed about how to deal with all of this of this throughout our relationship. At first when I brought up my worries to him I was very calm and nice - he reacted well to this and said he would try his best to change. He reacted well because on some level he knows he has a problem. He isn’t totally oblivious.

I think he genuinely has tried to cut down but found it difficult and there hasn't' really been a noticeable difference. In the past couple of months I've been getting frustrated and snapping at him/nagging him which caused the arguments. I also feel I distanced myself from him a bit too because his behavior made me unsure whether we had a future. You are right to have distanced yourself. You are scared because you know his behavior is unhealthy.

 I always felt guilty about it and obviously it contributed a lot to the break up. It sounds like you disconnected from him and you didn’t like how that felt. And over time it became more and more aware to you that something is going on.

I've probably not painted a great picture of him as a boyfriend. However while his lifestyle worries me, he was genuinely a great boyfriend in every other way. Treated me like a princess, always there for me, kind, fun etc. Always made time for me. And when we weren't arguing about the above we had a good time together. That's why I didn't want us to break up, I guess what I wanted was for us to talk things through and try and work it out.

Craig: It sounds like in many ways you had a great relationship with this guy. That is what makes deal breakers so tough. They are a tough call. But you know he has a substance abuse issue that he is just not dealing with.

Maggie: He text me of the blue yesterday after a couple days no contact. Saying he knows he might be making a mistake but he knows his lifestyle choices will upset her. He thinks she is great and he doesn’t want to hurt her.

Craig: In some ways he is acting like a real adult and very mature. There isn’t any anger or hurtful words. They are both kind of dealing with this reality.

Maggie: I didn't know whether to text back or what to say. I also don't even know why he text me since he's just repeating what he said the night we broke up. In the end I wrote that I understood and I apologized for the part I played in our break up (being over nagging and critical etc) . I don't know if sending this text was a mistake. In any case he didn't reply so obviously he didn't mean he'd changed his mind. I've not contacted him since.

 Maggie: I don’t think you have anything to apologize for. I don’t think you’re nagging or being critical. He has a real issue and if you love him you to see him at his best. I wouldn’t worry about sending that text message, although I certainly don’t think you had to apologize.

Craig: I wouldn’t contact him. I suspect you guys aren’t quite finished yet. I think he will contact you at some point to get together and talk.

 Maggie: I accepted the break up right away. Said I understood. Thanked him for the time we had and told him to take care and that I wished him happiness then I left. I went no contact immediately (slipped up sending one text after I left that was just an excuse to contact really about photos) I've been through a break up previously with someone else where I made every mistake under the sun! (Calling, texting, begging, crying etc...) and I felt like an idiot afterwards. I'm determined not to do the same this time. plus I am aware of the benefits of no contact etc.

 Craig: Sounds like you did a great job of learning from past mistakes! Excellent job! Very proud of you.

 Maggie: Do you think I have a chance of getting him back and if so what is the best way to go about it? (I.e. continuing no contact and if so when would I break this no contact if I don't hear from him)?

 I also wonder out of curiosity whether you think it was a mistake for me to send the apology text to him reply to his last text. I deliberately made sure it didn't sound like i was apologizing to win him back (I wrote I know it doesn't fix things but I'm sorry).

 Also, as an aside a friend of a friend has asked me to go on a date with him next week. I don't know whether dating this soon is a good idea or not. I feel guilty at the thought of it. Just wondering if you had any opinions on this.

Craig: First of all I want to congratulate you on the way you handled yourself. I think you both did an excellent job of acting like adults. You sent an excellent email that gave me a really good job of what is going on!

So first of all I think you are absolutely right for confronting him on his substance abuse issues. I think they are more severe than you want to admit. I have no issue with someone smoking or drinking occasionally. However, this is every day.

The biggest thing you need to look at for substance issues is if it is interfering with his functioning of life. In this case it is. Because it is interfering with your relationship. You know that he has a problem. You have to listen to your gut and I think you’ve done that.

I think you are in a situation where you are dealing with a deal breaker. These can be very tough. I think that you are looking at the long term with this guy and you’re having some major concerns. And I think they are very valid concerns. You don’t want to be married with kids one day and you’re dealing with one sick kid with strep throat and one who’s running around the house and he isn’t helping because he’s too high. You need someone who is emotionally ready to do that, he isn’t.

You have to really look at that what a future with him would look like and I think you have and you know it’s a problem. I think he may be in some real trouble if he doesn’t want to get a handle on this issue. However, he has to want it. He hasn’t gotten to that point yet.

Many women will be roped back in by promises. He’ll promise to stop, and then he never does. He has to do something first and then talk with you. He has to get some kind of real help such as Alcoholics Anonymous or some kind of help for his substances. Also, I would really encourage some couples counseling (but only if he got himself help and dealt with the substance issue first).

But first and foremost he would have to get a handle on his substance issues. The first part of that is acknowledging he has a problem. He hasn’t really done that. Losing you MIGHT be enough of a catalyst to get him help, but at this point it doesn’t look like it.

He knows that he’s bad for you. I think he feels bad about that. Although it hasn’t been enough to motivate him to change.

I don’t think the text to him makes much difference. He knows you care, he cares about you, and he knows he has a real problem. He can either deal with that problem or not. There is nothing you can do for him in that regards.

Continue to do no contact with him. If he messages you I would simply say something like. I really care about you, but unless you are ready to deal with your substance issue, I have to move on. I wish you the best.

He may want to have a conversation with you in person. I think that would be fine too. Just tell him that the issue is a deal breaker and he has to get help (BEFORE you consider getting back with him).

I know break ups can be very painful and I’m so sorry to see you going through it. You both seem like very nice people! I do think you did the right thing by confronting his substance issue. It is a very legitimate concern. You are at an age where I’m sure you’d like to start a family. You need someone who you know you can count on to put you and the kids first. When someone has a substance issue, that always gets put first.

The bottom line is that you have a real deal breaker here. Unless he wants to get himself real help, and he needs to do that BEFORE you get into anything with him (I’m stressing this for a reason).

As far as going on that date, I think you should go on it. I wouldn’t jump into anything, but going out one night to have fun could do you some good. You are single now and the sooner you start going out and having fun, the easier this will be for you.

How To Know She'll Cancel A Date

How To Know She’ll Cancel A Date

In this video I’m going to talk about how to know a woman is going to cancel a definite date.

Now I’m talking about the definite date here. Not a “let me see” answer, “I think so” or “I’ll get back with you.” Those are usually No’s. I’m talking about you have a definite date as in Day, Place, and Time.

There is one tiny clue that a woman gives that she might cancel a definite date.

It’s such a sneaky tactic that I don’t think I’ve ever heard any other dating coach or relationship coach discuss this topic.

So I’m going to give 2 real life examples for you to see.

It’s something I call the Plausible Out.

So what is a Plausible Out? It is any type of life event mentioned by the woman the day of your date.

She uses her Plausible Out to set herself up for canceling your date. When it happens, it will seem like nothing. BUT, it is indeed her plan to cancel.

Here is the first example. A buddy of mine was visiting from out of town. He used to live here so he wanted to hang out with a girl he knew. He set up a definitive date. For a Friday night.

She texts him. Oh I’m sorry about the soccer game. I am going with my entire crew from work. Can we hang out afterwards?

So: she appears to be very reasonable. She “forgot” about plans to go to a soccer game? Or she’d rather go to a soccer game.

Now: Here’s the annoying part. She sounds like she wants to hang out afterwards, even suggesting it. So what do, he thinks he has plans that night. Only, now she has back up plans. And he sits around and has None.

The second one actually happened to yours truly.

I was talking to we had set up a definite date. Now, supposedly because of the holiday weekend, she got the days confused for our first date and asked to reschedule. Her exact text said “Can we reschedule?” I’m at work, we have orientation tonight and this week. It slipped my mind”

I said “sure, when are you free?”

Tuesday next week? Would that work for you?

I said yes and set the date.

Now, here comes the Plausible Out. The morning of the date she said “I gotta go to the hospital to see my best friends’ grandma first! At what time?”

I said, how does 930 sound?

She said “okay!”

At 920, She texts me. You’re going to hate me but I can’t make it. Grandma is not doing well at all.

We are not sure she will last. I can’t leave my friend alone right now. I’m so sorry sweetie. Sad face.

I said Sorry to hear that. Let me know if you need anything.

Now, is it possible that her friend’s grandmother is about to pass away. Absolutely.

It was a first date so I have no idea. She could be lying. She could be telling the truth.

Obviously I don’t expect to go on a date with anyone if she is dealing with someone being in the hospital or dying.

What makes me wonder is that, if that is what’s going on, why is she only texting me 10 minutes before hand? Why not an hour? She knows I would have to be getting ready and driving there. It’s inconsiderate not to just let me know.

I ran the situation by 5 women. 1 did not believe her. 2 did believe her. 2 said it was possible and could go either way.

The truth? Only She knows. But what you have is a Plausible Out.

Because this is the second time she cancelled a date. She’s going to have to make the effort if she wants to see me. I am very busy and I don’t like to plan the few evenings I have free with someone who cancels plans on me.

What I want you to understand is that anytime a woman mentions any kind of life event the day of your date, it’s a Plausible Out. All they have to do is mention something small: I forgot X, or I just have to run to the whatever.

What I would suggest is to say, listen it sounds as if you are busy tonight, let’s just leave it for another time. She will either say, yeah, tonight’s not a good night, or she’ll say no! I definitely want to see you and she will keep the date.

She Wants You To Hear Her (Not Solve Her Problems)

She Wants You To Hear Her (Not Fix Her Problems)

Today I’m going to talk a little bit more about how to make relationships work.

Learning about attachment styles and how to make love last is not an easy task.

The reason that I constantly talk about attachment style is because they actually explain how love works. And I keep getting questions about it and requests for more videos. So I’m going to get into 2 emails.

If you understand which attachment style your partner has, and which style you have, you will be able to engage in the dance that is love.

Once you learn the steps, you’ll see tremendous growth in your relationships. You’ll know exactly what you need and how to ask your partner for it. You’ll be able to see what your partner needs and give it to them. You’ll learn how to be present with your partner, so that they’ll know that you’re there for them.

Their anxiety will go down. You’ll learn to stop hurting each other. And you’ll learn to repair your relationships when one of you is hurting.

I got a question from Eddie. He says Hey Craig your videos are incredibly inspiring and insightful. I have been watching them every day since you started posting and I’ve learned a lot. I still get overwhelmed hearing about attachment style and understanding about love and what makes it last. I was hoping you could put out another video talking more about it.

Eddie I appreciate the kind words and your dedication to my channel and your personal growth. Really understanding attachment theory and learning about how it affects relationships takes quite some time.

So let me just talk about Romantic Love. What we are starting to understand is that romantic love is basically a grown up version of the emotional bond between a mother and her child. It can be any of your caregivers, but for most people they are taken care of their mother the most.

So the way we attached and bonded with our parents is going to be very similar to how we bond with our partner. So the relationship you had with your parents is going to have a huge impact on how you love your partner. The way love felt for you as a kid you are unconsciously try to recreate in your adult romantic relationships.

Love and connection is our strongest drive. We long for it. Closeness and connection makes us feel safe. When we have a strong secure connection with someone it relieves our stress.

When we feel disconnected from our partner, it makes us feel anxious, scared, and actually causes us physical pain.

There is research that shows when we get scared, if we can hear our lovers voice to soothe us. Turns on bonding hormone in our brain that turns off fear. Now, we initially learn to hear our parents voice to soothe us and then it becomes our partner in our adult relationships.

Now, the other end of that spectrum is Isolation and being cut off from others. This is the ultimate danger signal. That is why it’s so painful when someone breaks up with us. And this is part of the reason I tell you, that if a girl breaks up with you, you do not contact them for any reason.

They need to feel that pain and loss of losing YOU. If you make any form of contact it lets them know, I still got him!

I have a second email here from Gus who says: Hey Craig, I definitely can see myself in your videos. Whenever you talk about wanting to fix a girl’s problems, that is exactly what I do. My girlfriend is constantly having issues with her cousin. Her cousin is really nosy and getting involved with things that have nothing to do with her. I’m really not sure what I’m supposed to say or do. Every time I offer her help she gets pissed at me.

This is perfectly understandable Gus.

Okay, so love is supposed to double the joy and divide the grief.

If your girl is having problem, you divide the grief. The way you can do that is to be there for her. Show her that you are a resource for her. That you are supporting her.

After this video I suggest you go back and watch my video How To Make Your Partner Feel Loved where I talk more about this.

When your girl talks to you about problems with her cousin she wants you to listen. You want to calm her and comfort her as she talks about her issues with her cousin. I know it can be frustrating to want to solve her problem when you think you have the answer. But ONLY give the answer if SHE ASKS FOR YOUR OPINION.

It took me a long time to understand this. Emotional attunement and responsiveness is the key to secure bonding.

If you grew up in a home where you had a lot of fighting, abuse, neglect, or bad communication, these behaviors are not natural, because you likely didn’t see them.

You don’t learn to ask for what you want, because you probably wouldn’t have gotten it anyway. That’s one reason people become manipulative. They don’t know how to ask for what they want. When they did, they were repeatedly denied what they wanted and so they gave up.

Now as an adult they often ask in a shy or sly way.

Here’s an example of someone

If you’re not busy can you help get dinner started? Now If you don’t because you are busy. They may get mad (because they were trying to slyly ask you what they wanted)

You never help me with dinner!

They are hurting because they feel rejected again. I had an ex do this. One time she said oh there’s meat in the fridge and she lied down to take a nap. She didn’t say: will you please cook for tonight?

It was late when she laid down, so I wasn’t even sure she would want to eat. I wasn’t hungry, so I didn’t make it. When she woke up, she was furious.

Because she had a long history of having her needs neglected by her narcissistic mother. She has a very avoidant attachment style. She doesn’t know how to ask for what she wants. She wants you to intuit what she wants. She would even say, I want someone who knows when I want them to vacuum.

She expects her partner to know what she’s thinking and give it to her. Like a mind reader. This is a very early childhood wound. She wants someone to care for her like a parent takes care of a child. Because her parents didn’t do it. Because she refuses to work on her issues, she can’t make any relationships last.

She doesn’t want any demands on her. In other words, she wants to be taken care of, but not have to give anything in return.

Things usually add up. You don’t get a woman who is narcissistic or has an avoidant attachment style by having 2 parents that met all their childhood needs. If you have a healthy parent, they give you what you need when you need it. If you have a narcissitic mother, they give you what you need when they feel like it. So the baby doesn’t learn, if I cry I get fed, or picked up. They learn, If I cry sometimes mom comes, sometimes she doesn’t. They assume its because they aren’t lovable and they start to get shame.

It’s sad because she has such a long history of rejection, she turns away to numb the hurt. People like this are actually hurting the worst. They’ve need reliable safety.

But, they have to already acknowledge that they want help. Many avoidant people don’t think the risk is worth the reward. They kept losing over and over again.

Focusing On What You Want

Focus on what you want

In this video I’m going to talk to you about the importance of focusing on what you want to happen in life.

Our mind works in a way that we cause things to be true. The words and the beliefs that we tell ourselves actually affect everything that we do.

One of my favorite movie scenes is from Empire Strikes Back. Luke Skywalker is being trained by Yoda a 900 year old Jedi Master who is teaching him how to be in touch with the force. Learning how to levitate things with his mind.

So Luke had crashlanded his spaceship in the swamp when he landed on the planet. While luke is doing this crazy one handed hand stand levitating Yoda and some rocks.

Oh no! We’ll never get it out now.

So Certain are you…. Always with you what cannot be done. Hear you nothing that I say.

Master moving stones around is one thing. This is totally different.

No! No Different. Only Different in your mind. You must unlearn what you have learned

Alright I’ll give it a try. No! Try not! Do or do not! There is no try!

I can’t. It’s too big… You want the impossible.

So Yoda, who’s 3 apples tall.  I don’t. I don’t believe it… That is why you fail.

Luke didn’t believe he could do it… That it was too big… So it was.

The great Sigmund Freud believed that there are no No’s in the unconscious. Anything that exists in our unconscious is object seeking and affirmative. It’s a confusing theory that I don’t think Freud even was truly satsifed with.

You have to focus on what you want to happen in life. That is what you will create and cause to happen.

For example: When you’re driving, if you think I don’t want to get into an accident, I don’t want to get into an accident. Your brain doesn’t understand DON’T. All it hears is GET INTO AN ACCIDENT.

I don’t want her to leave me, I don’t want her to leave me. Everything through that filters is fearful and you do everything that will unconsciously push her away, and cause her to leave you.

Think about it, all your brain is focused on is trying to not get them to leave you. So you cling, you try to control them, you pull them to you, which causes the other person to feel trapped and resist you.

I got an email from Abby today that says Hi Craig, your channel is great and I really need relationship advice. I think I met somebody nice but I’m not sure how they feel about me. He is very sweet. We have been out on 2 dates. He treats me nicely and tries to please me in bed. He is not an asshole at all. I told him I’m starting to like him and he didn’t say anything back.

So she’s coming on a little too strong for him and he’s going to feel trapped (watch my video I feel Trapped In My Relationship and The Struggle of Intimacy)

Abby: I don’t want to scare him but I turn down other dates to be with him.

So, by saying I don’t want to scare him, the only thing her minds is scare him. Everything she is going to do is scare him, she already is. BUT she’s conscious of the fact that she is scaring him.

To me she’s an anxious attachment style. In a prior email to me she told me about a guy who she had a one night stand with. She said the guy was a jerk and it felt more like abuse.

She said I hooked up with a total jerk last week and I was sore for a week. I felt like a piece of crap. First and last time for that.

I want him to ask me to be his girlfriend but I don’t want to rush him. What should I do?

This is exactly what I’m talking about she says “I don’t want to rush him” but that’s exactly what she’s doing. She rushes him by wanting him to ask her to be exclusive after two dates.

The beliefs that you have and all the things you tell yourself affect everything that you do.

If you say math is hard… You make math hard for yourself.

You have to focus on the positive things that you want to happen. Be aware of all the things you believe. Learn to be conscious of the things you are telling yourself.

If you want to do something to help yourself. Write down a list of all the qualities that you want in a woman. You’ll start to attract a woman with them. Part of the reason is that you’ll start disqualifying women that don’t have those qualities.

Choosing A Good Partner

Choosing a good partner

In this I’m going to talk about the importance of choosing a good partner.

You need to find someone who is single, available, and emotionally healthy and ready for dating.

I got 2 emails here that talks about this.

Justin says: Hey coach, I wanted to ask you your advice about something. There is a girl at my work who is absolutely amazing. She is beautiful, smart, and kind. However, her she is married. Her husband is an alcoholic. He wrecked the car recently while he was out drinking. He is very mean (I would say verbally abusive) to her and she tells me about her life. I know she is attracted to me and if she was single we would get along great.

Okay, that may be the case. Maybe you would get along great. But you’ve never dated her, so it’s a fantasy that you’ve created. You don’t know if she would even want to date you if she was single. She may be attracted to alcoholics.  If her father was an alcoholic, she may not even be emotionally ready to date a guy who is emotionally healthy.

But unfortunately for you, she is not single, and there is a lot of drama that is going to come along with this situation. She is married, the guy is an alcoholic, and they’re married. I know you may want to be her knight in shining armor and save her. But it’s a lot more complicated than you think. She isn’t even at a point where she has left him. So you could be sitting around for months or years waiting for someone that never becomes available.

The bottom line is that you need someone who is single and available to date. Be her friend, but stop living in a fantasy. Start dating single women. If it’s meant to be with her, it will happen.

I got another email here that gets more into the issue of finding someone who is emotionally healthy.

Hi Craig, here’s my situation. The guy I’ve been seeing and I recently broke up. He has a lot going on in his life. We have been on again and off again for about 3 years. He goes back and forth between me and his ex wife, who he has 2 kids with. Occasionally he goes out with other women if he is not with one of us. He tells me about them if I ask, but his wife only knows about me. I’m not sure I should keep trying. To give you a little more about his life, he frequently changes his jobs and he is bipolar. When he is on medication he does pretty well, but then he stops taking it when he feels good.

Most people with bipolar who get off their meds do the exact same thing. They feel great and say I don’t need the medication. But it’s because the medication is working that I feel great.

I love him, but he has a lot of anger. He is manipulative and puts me down when I try and talk to him. I’m so tired of being hurt. It just seems like we are on an endless loop and I want to get off. Do you think he is going to change?

He isn’t giving you any indication he is in the past 3 years. Obviously the endless loop is only working for him. He gets what he wants, if he doesn’t he goes back to you, or the ex wife, or whatever new woman is going to come along.

He isn’t emotionally healthy and you know that. You will never get what you want from this man. Just like you didn’t get what you wanted from your parents. That’s what you really need to explore and deal with so you are emotionally ready for someone who is emotionally ready for you.

I have a great analogy I want to share for you guys.

Imagine someone gives you 2 trees as a gift. You have a beautiful orange tree that is producing delicious sweet oranges.

Your other tree is this pitiful sickly little apple tree. You spend years trying to get it to grow. Spending all kinds of time with fertilizers, tending to it, taking care of it. No matter how hard you work, it barely responds.

Finally, after years of exhaustion and hard work you see something growing. You get all excited and run outside. Only to find out it’s a lemon tree.

The tree will never give you what you wanted. You had ignored the little tag on the tree all those years.

What To Do After You Get Her Number

What To Do After You Get Her Number

In this video on going to talk about how to handle things after you’ve gotten a girls phone number.

A lot of guys have no idea what to do after you get a girls number.  It’s very easy to make a mistake and cause a girl to lose interest in you right away.  So in this video on what I help clear things up all little bit.

I got 2 really good emails to go through today.

I got an email from Steve was struggling and confused.  It says hey Craig love the channel and the think you’re during a great job.  Thank you so much your work is helping me feel better about myself.  I’ve never felt confident when it comes to dating or relationships.  That’s why it I was hoping you could elaborate about what to do after you get a girls number.  There’s a girl that goes to like church, and thanks to your videos I realize she’s interested in me. Thanks to your videos I realized she was interested. When we were talking, she was playing with her hair and she touched me on the arm.

Okay so you can see that Steve is becoming more aware of signs up to look for when a woman is interested.  If a woman is touching you playing with their hair and making good eye contact their good indicators she’s interested.

I asked for her number and she said gave it to me. But now I’m not sure what to do.

Okay, first off for you. Awesome. I’m glad to see that you are feeling more confident and you’re starting to see results. That’s great keep it up!

It’s important that you be cool about it. It’s a great feeling when you get a girl’s number but you want to keep yourself grounded. Remind yourself you know nothing about this girl. You have no idea of what kind of life she has had or what kind of partner she would be.

Now most guys interest level can jump up way too fast. We tend to heat up like a microwave. But, women are more like a conventional oven. They take longer to heat up.

Women are more aware of the risks. Because they’re used to a lot of guys having a high interest right away but then don’t want anything more than sex. Some women just want sex. But I think more women want a meaningful connection.

It doesn’t feel very meaningful when the minute someone is done using you, they leave and never call you again.

Women don’t take things as seriously when they give out their number.

Here’s a goofy way to look at it. Imagine you were selling a house. You got a ton of people were interested in the house. You got tons of calls and everyone talks about how much they want to buy your house. Some of the callers act like they want to buy the house before they’ve even seen it (such as they tell the woman they want to marry her before they even meet). But nobody was truly interested in buying it. They all wanted to come over and see the house. They get tired of all the low interested callers.

Then occasionally someone wants to buy the house at a low price (as in no commitment). Or they say well if I buy the house, I want you to still mow the lawn. Or they find someone who can’t afford the house (they’re in a relationship or just want to be friends with benefits). They want to make sure you are a serious buyer.

My point is, you want to stand out and be different. You are interested in meeting her, but you’re not another person who has a high interest and then disappears).

So what you want to do is after you get her number, wait about 3 or 4 days to text her. It shows you are interested by not waiting too long, but you aren’t desperate by coming on too strong.

Send her a few text messages back and forth. Then around the 4th message you want to ask her on a date. This is how you do it: Say Hey, I’d love to see you, when are you free to get together?

She will probably give you a few options. Pick one that works best for you. Set up a definite date and a definite time. I suggest something very casual like drinks. Ask her if she’d like you to pick up her or meet you there. But arrange that while you’re setting the date.

If she gives you any kind of maybe, I don’t know or I’ll see. Do not accept that as a date. That is a NO. Be calm and casually say well “lets do it on a day where you know you can do it”. Her reply will give you insight into her interest level.

If she says well that’s a better idea.

You can do one of two things. You can wait another week to text her and try to set up another date.

Or you can say, okay well take a look at your schedule and get back to me.

Either is fine. If you say take a look at your schedule and get back to me, then you have to mean what you say. You have to wait for her to get back to you, if she doesn’t, then you move on.

You only accept definite dates.

I have a second email who asks me my thinking behind the phone.

Ed says: Hi Craig, me and my buddy Ted were talking about your ideas on texting with a woman. You say that the phone is for setting dates only. We both think that may be a little too harsh. For example, right after you get a woman’s number, shouldn’t you text her first to get to know her. I say yes! Build her interest. Let her get to know you.

Ted says he likes to text a girl a lot before he asks her out on a date.

I think it’s great that you guys are talking about my videos and I’m glad you contacted me. Let me start with Ted.

Well while Ted is texting her a lot, she’s going out with men who actually invite her out. So the girl you like is and spend your time texting back and forth with, is sleeping with other men. So if he likes the idea of spending his time fantasizing about a woman while she goes on real dates trying to make a real relationship work.

Now, your idea is to text a woman first to get to know her before you go out.

You are trying to create attraction. You’re not going to create attraction by texting back and forth about your day. That reminds me of the scene from Seinfeld where Kramer talks about families going back and forth about their day.

The reason I say the phone is for setting dates is that most guys will over pursue a woman. They will text her every day. Some guys morning, noon and night. It does not give a woman the time she needs for feelings to develop.

Women are more attracted to guys who’s feelings are unclear. There is a Facebook study where women are shown 3 men. One that is interested, One who is not interested, and one where they do not know.

At first the woman is most attracted to the guy who is interested, but then her interest drops. The man who is not interested, they do not think about. But the one they wonder about the most is the one they are unsure about.

The other thing is that you are trying to create attraction. You’re not going to create attraction by texting back and forth about your day. That reminds me of the scene from Seinfeld where Kramer talks about families going back and forth about their day.

Texting a woman makes your interest level clear to her. At first it will stay high, then it will drop off.

So she will lose interest. The only real way to raise a woman’s interest level is to spend time with her. Going out, having fun and hooking up. I know some people have beliefs against sex before marriage. I that case you want to at least be kissing her, holding her, and doing other things that makes her bond with you.

I do want you guys to understand how we are wired biologically. The beginning of love is the lust phase. After you start regularly sleeping with a woman you start to attach. Our body releases chemicals like Oxytocin and Serotonin. It causes us to bond with each other.

If you want to know a lot more about it watch my video You’ve Changed. In it I talk more about the early stages of dating and how we begin to attach.

You want to spend time with women in person if you want a woman to be more attracted to you. It has to be in person. I know many guys will start to worry about losing a girl and start texting her all the time and she will lose interest.

I want you guys to spend time with women in person. If you want something, make time for her.

A few last reminders

Don’t double text. If a woman doesn’t respond to your text, assume she is busy and will get back with you. If you want to follow up, wait about a week.

Casual Casual Casual.

When you are first meeting someone you they have no idea who you are. All your behavior is under a microscope.

It’s like a bank account. You haven’t made many deposits. You can’t withdraw more than you deposit. If she has a higher interest level you have a little more wiggle room to make mistakes, but if she has a slight interest. It’s like your trying to start a fire with two giant logs. You need to create spark.

She Doesn't Feel Anything For Me (Avoidant Attachment Style Example)

She Doesn’t Feel Anything For Me

So one of the things that women often say to us when they are breaking up with us is that they don’t feel anything for us. In this video I’m going to explain why some women say that.

I got an email from Barry who said: Hey coach, I’m really confused about how to handle a situation with my ex girlfriend. We broke up last month after almost 3 years. She broke up with me. She said she didn’t feel anything for me anymore. I really love this girl and I still think about her all the time. Meanwhile, she didn’t seem that upset. She didn’t cry, she was kind of matter of fact about it. It seemed like I meant nothing to her.

 It really hurt because it was like the girl I loved for so long was gone and she was just a shell of a person.

This happens a lot. Guys let me explain, when a woman isn’t feeling anything for you, they can appear cold and heartless. It makes it even worse doesn’t it? Like damn can you show some emotion.

With one girl, it felt like if her love was a faucet, she just turned it off without one more drip coming out.

It’s bad enough they break up with you, but then it’s like they don’t even care about you as a person anymore.

Now based on her complete lack of emotions during the break up I would guess she has a more avoidant attachment style.

So if a woman is an avoidant attachment style she is going to be a lot more likely to completely cut off all attachment. She doesn’t trust people at all so she never really attached to you in the first place.

If you don’t know about attachment styles, it is crucial to understanding both yourself and your partner. I highly recommend you watch my videos on them.

So based on the few things Barry said, I would say that he is an anxious attachment style. Probably were clingy, controlling, and needy to her. Constantly fearful that she was going to leave you, and afraid she would abandon you. She doesn’t like a lot of closeness. So a big part of the reason she broke up with you was her wanting freedom. You come on too strong and make her feel smothered.

Barry: I know there are different things you look at in someone’s history to figure things out. So to give you an idea about her life. Her father left and abandoned the family when she was about a year and a half old. When he left, her mother was depressed and she had to go live with her grandparents for a few years. She never really wanted to talk about it, but her sister who is 3 years old did.

So, this girl has no sense of safety when it comes to love. Love doesn’t make her feel protected and safe. It is dangerous and disappointing. Love to her would be like how you feel when you go to the dentist. Scary.

Barry: Is it possible that she really doesn’t care about me? That she doesn’t feel anything for me?

Unfortunately, yes. Her introduction to the world was not good. She doesn’t trust people.

She was probably neglected when her mother was depressed until she went to her grandparents. Now her sister had a better first 2 years of her life and that is why she seems healthier and more adjusted.

Barry: I still love her, what can I do to get her back?

The thing that causes to get a person’s interest is your absence. The fastest way to get someone’s attention is to remove yours.

When someone breaks up with you, and you want to get them back you have to remove yourself from their life as much as possible. But make it necessity only (if you have kids or work together).

If I was you, I would never call or text this girl again. Start dating other people. The minute she sees you don’t care, and believe me somehow women always know, she her interest will start going up.

A woman needs to know that if she leaves you, you are moving on and not looking back. If she is attached, she will get separation anxiety when she sees you have moved on. Separation anxiety is critical and you cannot be lingering around or it will not happen.

How To Make Your Partner Feel Loved

How To Make Your Partner Feel Loved

In order to have a healthy relationship with your partner a relationship to have specific ingredients in order to make it thrive.

In today’s video I’m going to talk about some key elements to having the awesome relationship that you’ve always dreamed of.

I have a great email to go through and then I asked 5 absolutely beautiful and amazing women that I am friends with 4 questions:

How do you like to be comforted by your partner?

What makes you feel loved?

What makes you feel safe?

What makes you feel like he's there for you?

In our first email you are going to see what happens in a relationship that does not have these elements.

Lyndsey: Hi Craig, the the on having a lot of mixed feelings about the guy I’ve been dating for just under three years.  We decided to take a step fall word and moving together about three months ago.  However things have completely changed and I feel really unsure about where we’re going.  I know living together can make a big difference in a relationship, but I feel like his mindset has changed.  It’s like he’s taken me for granted and he thinks I’m going to tolerate how things of been going.

I’ve been having some problems at work the past couple months as I have a new manager.  I think he feels threatened by in the because all often times other managers come to me for advice.  What I call home and try and talk to my boyfriend about it, he seems disinterested and what I have to say.  He’s either focused on doing something that he wants, or he interrupts me to give me ways to fix the problem.

While we can see is going on here is a typical guy response.  We wanna fix things.  However, she wants to be heard and feel connected to her boyfriend.  But he’s ignoring her and what she’s trying to share.  So she starting to feel neglected.

Lyndsey: So the other day me and my boss got into a bit of an argument.  He came over to me with a really nasty attitude and it seemed like he was trying to start a fight with me.  I answered his question politely but he was staring at me in a hostile way.  I said to him is there something that he wanna say to me.  Because you’re giving me an angry tone and I’m just trying to be helpful.

It sounds like your boss is feeling threatened by you.  He probably is insecure or and is trying to overcompensate for his feelings of insecurity by putting you in your place.

Lyndsey: So when I went home I just wanted to talk to my boyfriend about it.  He seemed completely uninterested and the entire story.  He interrupted me several times with how he thinks session handle it and I just got so fed up with him that I left the house and called my girlfriend to meet me for drink.

I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t think my boyfriend really cares about what’s going on with me. He sees I’m coming home upset from work every day (which I’ve never done before). Maybe because we just moved in together he assumed I always came home from work upset. But this is only because my new manager is giving me problems. He sees I’m upset and doesn’t ask why. He ignores me almost all the time. I know he needs his own space, but he isn’t giving me any attention. If there’s something going on with him, he hasn’t said it. I’ve tried talking to him, but he’d rather stare at motorcycles online.

Even on the weekends we don’t go out anymore. I would never have moved in with him if I knew he was going to be this different. I feel like I’m the least important thing in his life.

He’s not comforting her with her stress over work. He’s not making her feel loved as he’s spending his free time doing other things. He’s not making her feel safe because he yelled at her for the way she handled her problems with her boss. And she is constantly feeling like he’s not there for her.

Lyndsey: I can understand your frustration with your boyfriend. I would be frustrated too.

What I would suggest is saying to him. I need to talk with you about something important. When would be a good time to do that?

If he says now: Say great, it’s important so I need your undivided attention. I’ve been feeling really disconnected from you lately and It’s making me unhappy. I want to try and resolve this and feel close to you again. Since we’ve moved in together, I have been feeling sad because of some recent changes to your behavior. I need you to listen to me because I don’t feel listened to recently.

I like when we spend weekends doing things together. Lately, you’ve been doing other things. When I come home from work and vent to you about my boss, I just want you to listen. I want to know that you care about how I’m feeling. I don’t need you to fix the problem. The most important thing is that I feel you care about me and that I know you’re there for me.

Hopefully he will see that you are hurting and try to repair the relationship. If he does not, it will only be a matter of time before you feel hopeless and leave him.

I asked 5 of my friends the following 4 questions and told them I was going to share their responses. So here they are.

How do you like to be comforted by your partner?

What makes you feel loved?

What makes you feel safe?

What makes you feel like he's there for you?

1 ) Reassurance , protection, jealousy, Yeah like they gotta be jealous about me. At least a little

2) T: Comfort for me has to do with giving me attention, communicating with me. When he takes my side on a matter. I feel loved through communication, intimacy, and receiving acts of service.

(Making dinner. I'm washing my car. Mowing the yard)

3) V: when he listens to me and gives me support, tries to make me feel happy when I'm sad. When he hugs and kisses me out of no where makes me feel special, when he worries about me, and when he's there for me during bad and good times

4) D: I took the 5 love languages test a little while ago and learned some things about myself. So this helps answer your question... I like to be comforted by being supported emotionally. I feel loved when my partner helps me with everything I do in life. I feel safe when my partner can earn a living thereby releasing any worried and stress with being the breadwinner. What makes me feel he's there for me is to listen

5) DA 2 What makes me feel loved? Him spending time with me, asking me about my day, listening to what I am saying, talking about it. Touching, kissing, having fun, laughing together. Attention to little things, like opening the door, making small surprises every now and then. What makes me feel comforted? When his answers to my problems or concerns are: "Don't worry baby, I won't let you fall", "We will figure it out". And of course, it is important that words are supported with actions. Show genuine concern, offer solutions. Safe? When he is projecting confidence in variety of situations. When I develop trust based on his actions.

If you want a healthy relationship you must be present with your partner. Listen to your partner, be attentive to what is going on with them. Make them feel that you are there for them. If you don’t they will start to hurt, feel disconnected, become anxious, and eventually end the relationship.

I Feel Out Of Control: Anxiety Destroys Relationships

I Feel Out Of Control.

In this video I’m going to help you understand relationships on a deeper level.

I’m going to help you understand why people lose emotional self control and get into arguments with their partner. I’m going to show you how to be more conscious and aware of what’s going on internally and how to reassure your partner. 

Learning about this takes time, but eventually it will help you avoid the manhole. If I tell you there’s a manhole. The first time, you’ll see the manhole and still fall in it. The next time you’ll think to yourself, I better step over it, do so, and still fall in it. Eventually you’ll see the manhole and walk around it.

I got an email today from a woman who has an anxious attachment style. If you don’t know what that is, that’s okay I will give you a quick rundown.

In the first 2-3 years of our life we form an attachment style with our caregivers. The more attentive your parents are to your needs (feed us when we’re hungry, held us when we were crying, and attention, love and interacting we received), the more secure we of an attachment we formed.

If for example, they met your needs 90 percent of the time. You form a secure attachment. You learn to trust others. The world feels safe.

If our parents were not attuned to our emotional needs consistently, we form an Anxious attachment style.

What happens is, the world does not feel as safe. We become fearful that our parents will abandon us. This is especially true if your father and mother split up and you didn’t see him.

For example: My mom had a lot of anxiety. As an infant or a baby, you absorb your parents anxiety and you then become anxious. If you are constantly around someone who is anxious, it’s all you know, and you become anxious. It feels normal for you. The thing about it is, you don’t even realize your anxious.

Here are a few signs of anxiety you may have had as a kid: If you wet the bed, frequent ear aches, stomach aches, picking your nose, difficulty focusing, frequent crying.

SO, why is attachment style important? What does it have to do with your romantic relationships?

Well the relationship you had with your parents, you are going to create that in your romantic relationships. So the hurt and anxiety you felt with your parents, you’re going to have with your partner.

I got an email from Kayla who talked about that very issue she has with her husband.

Kayla says: Hi Craig, love your channel, I’m already seeing problems in my relationship with my husband and making changes thanks to your videos. One of the things that me and my husband argue about is anytime he is out (right there it tells me she has separation anxiety). If he goes out with his friends after work, I get very stressed and start obsessing about what he is doing. Even though he has never cheated, I worry that he is going to find someone else better than me.

(I wonder if her father found someone “better” than her mother in her childhood and that the trauma is triggering separation anxiety).  

I get really stressed and I don’t know what comes over me. I just lose it. I start getting more and more angry and I can’t calm down.

She is having separation anxiety and she hasn’t learned to soothe herself. In our early childhood, we learn to hear our parents voice to soothe us and it actually calms our nervous system. If you don’t know how to do it, you can imagine my voice. Reminding you Everything is going to be okay. You can always get my help personally at AskCraig.net

Kayla: This was our most recent argument: He went to meet up with a few friends after work and he said he would be home around 9. (She’s already anxious about what time he will be coming home)

Kayla: He came in around 1015. I admit I had an angry tone of voice when he walked in the door. I said What’s wrong with you? Why he didn’t call me to tell me he was going to be late?  

He said. I told you I was going out with my friends. It’s only an hour later. What’s the big deal?

I grabbed my plate and threw it in the sink. I asked you to call if you’re going to come late.

He yelled: Why are you freaking out? You’re out of control.

Kayla: Because I was waiting for you! I had a bad day and I wanted to talk with you (She probably didn’t have a bad day until she came home and her separation anxiety kicked in).

Kayla’s boyfriend: I never get to go out with my friends and I was only out a later than you expected. Why are you making a big deal out of nothing?

Kayla: It’s not nothing! You said 9 o’clock and you came home later. Who were you out with? Did you meet some girl at a bar?  You don’t even love me. Like always, you only think about yourself. You don’t even care about me.

This is where the anxiety causes her to have a melt down.

Man (with disgust): Oh my God you need to calm down. Then he slams the door and locks himself in the other room and I feel even worse than when he was out.

Craig, I hate the way I feel. I feel like I’m losing control. I can’t calm down. I know I’m making a big deal out of small things and I don’t know why.

You’re afraid that you’re losing him. So what happens, in an effort to pull him close, you wind up pushing him away. The very thing we are afraid of happening is the thing that we cause (I talk about this in The Real Reason Relationships Fail and Have Discipline or Fail)

Kayla is afraid that the relationship is not secure. That is why she is getting so anxious. She is feeling disconnected from her boyfriend. Then she starts to panic. She needs reassurance.

The really difficult part is recognizing what is going on in the moment. So to help you see what’s going on I’m going to look at how they both could have handled this better.

When he first got home, Kayla was hurting and scared. So it caused her to be angry. Which is all her boyfriend can see. She says to him Why didn’t you call when you knew you were going to be late?

Our automatic response is to defend ourselves. When he perceived her behavior as a threat, he wants to defend himself and minimize what happened. So he said, I’m only an hour late, what’s the big deal (minimizing his behavior and dismissing her hurt).

Now if she was more aware of how she was feeling, she could have went over to him and said: “I really missed you. I get scared that when you go out, you’ll find someone else that’s better than me and leave me.” If you or your partner can become that conscious of your feelings, you can connect with your partner much easier.

If he was more conscious, he could also have said. When she said, what’s wrong with you, you why didn’t you call me to tell me you would be late… He could have said: You’re right, I know you worry when I’m out. I apologize. Then go give her a big hug.

What he did was dismiss her feelings because he didn’t make her feel understood. He was minimizing his behavior (oh I was only an hour late).

When she threw the plate and he said she was out of control.

What she said is: I had a bad day and I was waiting for you. (if she was more conscious of how she was feeling what she could have said is, I was scared you were never coming home). On some level, that’s how she feels. In which case he could have reassured her.

He could have said: I’m sorry you had a bad day. It sounds like you really wanted to talk. I can understand, if I had a really bad day, I’d want to tell you about it too. Then he could put his arms around her and hold her close to make her feel connected and reassure her.

What you have to understand is that one person feels scared. They feel disconnected. They lose emotional self control. Then they lash out, when all they really want to do is pull their partner close and say I’m scared. I thought you were going to abandon me.

When the disconnected person lashes out, the other person (in this situation the man who was inconsiderate and out late) gets anxiety over the woman’s anger. Her anxiety got worse when he was dismissive towards her initial response (what’s wrong with you). His anxiety gets triggered by your anger. Both partners start to worry that the other wants to leave.

That is the root of the problem, anxiety and fear. Both people are constantly having to manage their fear that the other is going to leave. When you are able to be able to identify what is really going on inside you emotionally, you can start to avoid the manhole.

I've Never Been In Love (Avoidant Attachment Style Example)

I’ve never been in love before

Today’s video I got an email from a 33 year old woman who says she has never been in love before.

She says: Hey coach, I’m coming to you because I think I have a real problem. I’m 33 years old, fit, and would say I’m pretty. (She sent me her picture and I would agree that she is). I’ve dated several guys, but my longest relationship is only 9 months.

Okay that tells me there is definitely something going on with her.

My longest relationship was with a guy I would say was a good guy. I just didn’t feel anything for him. I know I broke his heart when we broke up. I even paid for a dating service for him because I wanted him to move on. He was heartbroken and even told me there is something wrong with me and I need to get help.

Damn, this guy is heartbroken probably hoping he can work it out with you and you’re like. No. Don’t even think about it. Here’s a free membership to a dating site.

I’ve dated women that are like this and I have a female friend that is almost this detached as well.

She says: I don’t know. I just don’t get too close to anyone. I don’t even know why people even want to get close to others. My mother never kissed me or held me. My father divorced her and moved away when I was young. He lived far away so I would only see him every few years.

Okay, so we can see she didn’t get enough attention and care from her parents. So after a few years of living like this, she just became more detached. She formed an avoidant attachment style.

Now, immediately I can tell she does not trust people. Guys if you are dating a woman who says she doesn’t trust people, it means they have serious attachment issues. They’re not going to get close to you or anyone else. UNLESS, they do major work on themselves. And that work is never easy.

Now the problem I keep seeing again and again working with someone who has an avoidant attachment style is that they just don’t care about connecting with others. TO them, it’s no big deal.

So they don’t worry about changing. There is very little motivation for them to change.

Now, this woman is 33 so she’s starting to see all of her friends get married and start a family. She’s realizing she’s going to be the only one standing on the dance floor.

She says: When I broke up with this last guy my friend noticed I didn’t even get that upset. She said that the way I talked with him was cold and cruel, but I was just telling him what was on my mind. Everyone really liked him.

Here’s why dating a woman like this would be difficult. If you started to attach to her, it would make her feel trapped. She would then push you away. Which would then trigger your anxiety, make you feel disconnected, and then have an emotional meltdown.

You would constantly have fears about her leaving you, because she’s not really that committed, and she is in the back of her head, considering leaving you all the time. It would be a very real reality. She would seem aloof. Tell you to date other women.

And here’s one of my favorites (and I’m being sarcastic) she’ll say something like. I’m only being honest.

No, you’re being hurtful because it pushes someone away. You’re doing it because you make yourself feel better when you do it.

Craig, why haven’t I ever been in love? I don’t understand what is going on, but I feel like it’s me.

So the reason you have never been in love before, is because you’ve never felt love before. Your parents were cold and detached. They weren’t attentive to your emotional needs. So you eventually got angry and gave up. If you can’t learn to trust your caregivers, it is very difficult to learn to trust your romantic partners.

You’ll ultimately not want to get close to them because you believe they will let you down just like your parents.

Empathy is critical in relationships. People that have not learned to connect to their parents struggle to learn empathy. They see other people as need gratifying objects.

You see them as something to fulfill a need, not as another human being that has their own set of feelings. You have been emotionally starved.

If you are really going to find love you are going to have to deal with your early childhood issues. I would highly recommend getting yourself a therapist who has training and understands object relations. You have to talk about your pain and hurt from your parents in order to heal. You need to learn empathy. It is crucial. Maybe volunteer someplace.