I’ve never been in love before
Today’s video I got an email from a 33 year old woman who says she has never been in love before.
She says: Hey coach, I’m coming to you because I think I have a real problem. I’m 33 years old, fit, and would say I’m pretty. (She sent me her picture and I would agree that she is). I’ve dated several guys, but my longest relationship is only 9 months.
Okay that tells me there is definitely something going on with her.
My longest relationship was with a guy I would say was a good guy. I just didn’t feel anything for him. I know I broke his heart when we broke up. I even paid for a dating service for him because I wanted him to move on. He was heartbroken and even told me there is something wrong with me and I need to get help.
Damn, this guy is heartbroken probably hoping he can work it out with you and you’re like. No. Don’t even think about it. Here’s a free membership to a dating site.
I’ve dated women that are like this and I have a female friend that is almost this detached as well.
She says: I don’t know. I just don’t get too close to anyone. I don’t even know why people even want to get close to others. My mother never kissed me or held me. My father divorced her and moved away when I was young. He lived far away so I would only see him every few years.
Okay, so we can see she didn’t get enough attention and care from her parents. So after a few years of living like this, she just became more detached. She formed an avoidant attachment style.
Now, immediately I can tell she does not trust people. Guys if you are dating a woman who says she doesn’t trust people, it means they have serious attachment issues. They’re not going to get close to you or anyone else. UNLESS, they do major work on themselves. And that work is never easy.
Now the problem I keep seeing again and again working with someone who has an avoidant attachment style is that they just don’t care about connecting with others. TO them, it’s no big deal.
So they don’t worry about changing. There is very little motivation for them to change.
Now, this woman is 33 so she’s starting to see all of her friends get married and start a family. She’s realizing she’s going to be the only one standing on the dance floor.
She says: When I broke up with this last guy my friend noticed I didn’t even get that upset. She said that the way I talked with him was cold and cruel, but I was just telling him what was on my mind. Everyone really liked him.
Here’s why dating a woman like this would be difficult. If you started to attach to her, it would make her feel trapped. She would then push you away. Which would then trigger your anxiety, make you feel disconnected, and then have an emotional meltdown.
You would constantly have fears about her leaving you, because she’s not really that committed, and she is in the back of her head, considering leaving you all the time. It would be a very real reality. She would seem aloof. Tell you to date other women.
And here’s one of my favorites (and I’m being sarcastic) she’ll say something like. I’m only being honest.
No, you’re being hurtful because it pushes someone away. You’re doing it because you make yourself feel better when you do it.
Craig, why haven’t I ever been in love? I don’t understand what is going on, but I feel like it’s me.
So the reason you have never been in love before, is because you’ve never felt love before. Your parents were cold and detached. They weren’t attentive to your emotional needs. So you eventually got angry and gave up. If you can’t learn to trust your caregivers, it is very difficult to learn to trust your romantic partners.
You’ll ultimately not want to get close to them because you believe they will let you down just like your parents.
Empathy is critical in relationships. People that have not learned to connect to their parents struggle to learn empathy. They see other people as need gratifying objects.
You see them as something to fulfill a need, not as another human being that has their own set of feelings. You have been emotionally starved.
If you are really going to find love you are going to have to deal with your early childhood issues. I would highly recommend getting yourself a therapist who has training and understands object relations. You have to talk about your pain and hurt from your parents in order to heal. You need to learn empathy. It is crucial. Maybe volunteer someplace.