Craig (00:00):
Today we're going to be talking about, will your ex trick you into breaking no contact? So this is something that everybody thinks about. I can imagine. Right? You know, if you've made the decision that you're not going to reach out to your ex, there's going to be little things that they do here and there that make you question. Is this them trying to get me to reach out? Is this them trying to get me to break the ice? Is this thing that they're sharing on social media about me and many times, it is. We're going to talk about some of those because it's good to know that yes, your ex is thinking about you and yes, your ex will do things on social media that could be about you and there'll be vague and indirect.
Craig (01:36):
Sometimes there'll be a little bit more direct. We're going to talk about some of those after this email coaching that I had here, but I want to talk about this. Okay? Because I tell you guys this all the time, exes often do regret their decision. At some point, they miss you. They think about things they have time to reflect. And what you have to understand from their perspective is that they are anxious about you at times. Now they're not going to show that, they hide that. Okay. because they had the, the power of making the decision to end it, they don't feel as much anxiety. They don't feel as powerless as you do, but they do get anxious about the situation.
Margaret (02:20):
They've lost you. No matter how you look at it, they can't forget about you in two minutes. Yeah.
Craig (02:24):
And, and what happens is, is that they're also anxious about reaching out to you, right? And that's why I figured out many years ago about the indirect direct approach. Right? A brilliant concept. Yes. It took me a while to figure it out, but I kept seeing patterns. Right? Where somebody, what is the indirect direct approach? Well, the indirect direct approach is that somebody reaches out to you directly, but they don't say something like they miss you. Okay. And you know, I know that some people don't believe that the indirect direct approach is a real thing. Oh, it is. It absolutely is. Yeah. See. And what do you think about that, Margaret? What would you say to somebody that doesn't think that's a real concept?
Margaret (03:15):
Well, I think you have to be aware that there's an unconscious, an unconscious mind. And if you're not aware of that, then I can see why you might not believe it. And I mean, I even think people could post stuff or, or do provocative stuff that they're only half aware they did, but part of them is hoping it will provoke you to contact them.
Craig (03:35):
Exactly. And we're going to talk about those
Margaret (03:37):
In a little bit indirect, direct I was talking with somebody today who told me clearly she did an indirect direct. So I mean, she knew exactly what she was doing, but I'm not sure that everybody does. Your favorite was always, I called to see how your cat is doing.
Craig (03:52):
The cat, I missed the cat and I didn't make up "I missed the cat out of nowhere." I missed the cat, I kept seeing I missed the cat, so that's one of the things that helped me put it together. I kept seeing it over and over again. It's not about the cat. It's not about the cat. It's about missing you. And they don't have the courage to tell you that they miss you. Right. Okay. So they, they dip the toe in the water. They dip the toe in, because they're not going to say, I miss you because then they're going to, you could lash out. You could ignore them. And then they're scared. So they dip the toe in, by directly contacting you. That's the direct part. Right. They reached out with a message they've reached out. They've called you, they've texted, you, they've done some kind of direct contact with you. That has to be a direct part. Right.
Margaret (04:47):
One of the ones that I've heard lately is I got some mail for you here.
Craig (04:51):
And, and here's the tricky thing about that with mail. It could be like, maybe they really do want to give me the mail. This seems like a logical thing. That's why the indirect direct is so confusing.
Margaret (05:02):
Yes. Because yes, it's kind of meant to be confusing.
Craig (05:05):
I remember a girl a couple of years ago, it was an avoidant. And she was one of the most I guess self-aware avoidants that I had ever dealt with. And that's why she stands out to me so much is that she told me she contacted the ex about the car key, needing the car key. And then she said, it wasn't about the car key. It was because I missed him. And so we talked about it and I was really thrilled with that call because it was great hearing an avoidant, being able to put the pieces of the puzzle together. Yeah. That was great. Yeah. So that's an indirect, direct is like, could this be about that thing or is it not? And it can be tricky. Right. But the point is, is that, you know, your ex often does do things to get you, to reach out to them because, and here's why, okay. Regardless of what your ex says to you, they still want you to want them, okay. They still want you as an option, even if they don't want to be with you in that moment in time, they liked the idea of you wanting them, because that feels good. It feels good. But biologically, because humans are hardwired to connect, to stay safe, that allows them to feel safer. Right, right. Because that's one more thing, biologically, one more person that could keep them safe. Does that make sense?
Margaret (06:40):
Absolutely. When a saber tooth tiger comes along, you gotta warn each other and take care of each other.
Craig (06:46):
Right. Like, you know, a turtle has a shell or a bird can fly away. Humans have their relationships. So they don't want to give up that relationship. Right. Even, you know, even if they don't want that person, they want the option of you being there. Right. So, because they want you there on some level, sometimes they're gonna struggle with how much they want you in their life. Right. So they might do these little breadcrumbs, these little things to keep you guessing. Keep you wondering breadcrumbs is the right term. Yeah. Because on an unconscious level, they're also scared. They're scared. They have that feeling of impending doom and dying too on some level.
Margaret (07:28):
It's a loss, even if they did the breaking up. Exactly.
Craig (07:31):
So they want to keep you around on some level, at least they want you to be wanting them, not necessarily around like contacting them, but they would like the idea of knowing that you still want to be with them. So you don't want them to think that you don't want them think that you're sitting around waiting for them to come back. Right. So I find that exes willl do little things to try and, you know, spark you from, you know, contacting them or reaching out or something. Okay. And I got an email coaching that I thought may have had a couple of those things in here. So that's why I wanted to share it. Now, this was the second email coaching and I gotta be honest. I was frustrated because my first email coaching, I had really laid out a nice plan. And he made a big blunder after the first plan. And it seemed like because he had stuck to the plan, he was getting a little traction, getting a couple of these things that I'm talking about. And then he makes a big mistake. And you're going to hear about that. Okay. So he said hi coach Craig. I appreciate our previous correspondence. I need to clarify and add context. Firstly, this is about, like I said, a follow-up to his first email coaching. She started to hang out with the new guy long after move. I knew he liked her. And I think she was very emotionally upset by the breakup. Every time we went off again, she reached out to me, not the other way around. I always recognized that it was important to leave her alone after the breakup. So good started to do that. I know she has a more anxious attachment style is an insecure. And I think he provided that romantic validation that she felt for these other reasons I could no longer provide. Okay. And there could be truth to that. She could have been insecure and just started dating somebody new to fill that void, right. Or to make her feel relaxed or calm down and, and you know, deal with the breakup and not necessarily a healthy way.
Margaret (09:41):
Right, right. But many people do it.
Craig (09:44):
I have been keeping up with the attachment videos and other topics. Individuation has been my primary goal. Good. I've moved into my own place. Something my ex had long wanted for us both. But I had shot down that for financial reasons. And it turned out because of my attachment style and he got a new job. I'll say that it's a new career. Good, good for him. So here's, here's where we get tricky. Right. She has almost reached out to me in the past month. She started typing on Snapchat to me at one point around when her new boyfriend posted their relationship status. Now he screenshot of this and there was an indeed a picture where it said her name and it said typing. And so he screenshot it to prove on Snapchat that she started to see what I mean. There's almost something and I don't use Snapchat, but I'm familiar with it, I created an account many years ago, but I'm familiar a little bit with it. So now in the notifications it would show him and she probably knows this, that, Oh, he'll see that I was typing to her. Yep. So that would be a little provocative. Right. I agree with that. Then he goes on to say, she even liked one of my Instagram posts the day before that. Okay. So that's something else she's going to his profiles. He's liking something. That's a good sign. And she views my stories, usually all platforms and within an hour of posting another good sign right now, I would not tell you to reach out for any of those things. Right. But that's showing, she's looking at his stuff. She's keeping up to what he's doing.
Margaret (11:36):
Okay. So she hasn't totally lost interest by any means. All right. So there's a little bit more.
Craig (11:40):
There was even a weird situation where she was online on the game. We used to play together and I went offline to avoid temptation of inviting her. I don't know if it was a PlayStation or a computer game, whatever he didn't say, but I guess she popped up online and then, Oh, and he also said, and she got off without playing a match. So maybe she saw him online and then disconnected from logging on whatever it was. Okay. There's a little bit more, she also has created private stories on Snapchat that she obviously invited me to. I haven't watched this one is smaller, but she has a habit of deleting photos of past relationships. She hasn't done that or even changed the captions that refer to me as the best guy ever. He now we starting to look a little bit too deep right now.
Craig (12:36):
We starting to get to that point where that it's going to make them crazy. Right. Looking at these kinds of details. Even after we broke up last time, she and I kept talking about how much we loved each other and hope to work it out one day, she was even saying things like how she knew is in bold caps, things were going to get better and work out and how I was the person that made her the happiest, all good signs. Right. Nice to hear. And here's the blunder and this is a pretty big one. Okay. Then I went and tagged myself and all our old vacation photos on Facebook and weirded her out. Oh boy. Okay. Margaret, what do you think about this? Wow.
Margaret (13:26):
I think it's a pretty angry thing to do. I think he's really angry at her, which is understandable, but there's no way that was going to get her to come back to him. What was she thinking do you think?
Craig (13:39):
I, to me, it feels like he was trying to like claim territory, like a dog peeing on a fire hydrant. Right? Like this is my territory.
Margaret (13:49):
You forgot that. I own you. So I'm going to tag, like that. Yeah.
Craig (13:54):
Okay. And it's like a public display of like, look, look at me like to the other guy, like if he looks at her Facebook now he's like looking at all these pictures with his name and it just, yeah.
Margaret (14:07):
I have better peakcocktail feathers then. Yeah.
Craig (14:12):
Oh my gosh. But I, I, the minute I told this one to the new coach, cause she was here, when we discussed this one, she was just like, Oh no, because you know, it just comes across as like..,
Margaret (14:27):
Angry to me because it's going to cause her a lot of hassle, a lot of problems. It's embarrassing to her because both their names are right there. If he thought in any way that was going to get her back he wasn't thinking logically.
Craig (14:45):
No. And that's one of the struggles of being in a breakup. We, we come up with these ideas and plans and they're often backfire. If you haven't heard me suggest in a video, I wouldn't do it. Yeah. Okay. Right. If you haven't heard Margaret suggest doing it, I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't do it. Okay. And if you're on the fence, do a coaching with us.
Margaret (15:04):
It was a hostile act. That's what I'm trying to say.
Craig (15:11):
So obviously she freaked out and let's see what happens. We didn't talk until a week later when she told me that she loved me, but, and here we go was no longer in love with me. Okay. He came on way too strong.
Margaret (15:28):
Oh, he, he did something dreadful to push her away and then wondered why she went. Yeah.
Craig (15:35):
She cried. I didn't she'd posted or she noted in past breakups like this and she didn't get how I could be so common understanding while she sobbed. But it sounds like she cares about this guy.
Margaret (15:48):
It also sounds like they've broken up several times. Yeah. They're young, right? Yeah.
Craig (15:54):
They're in their early twenties. But I, I really liked the fact of the things that an ex would do. And I think she was doing those things until the tagging of the Facebook. Right, right. Yeah. All right. He said, I never could answer her, but my reaction has always been to remain calm and to talk her through it. I did again, a few days later she sent me the birthday text. I had attached to the email. It was just happy birthday with the little blowing of that, whatever that little kazoo thing is. And I responded politely and thanked her. Am I too hopeful or reading too much into things. Is a situation as hopeless as it feels sometimes. Okay. So we're going to talk about things you might want to look for, but I want to talk about, you know, yes. He is obviously reading into a lot of things here. Any clue he's obsessing over, it it's normal.
Margaret (16:51):
But then after he got a bunch of clues, he did this thing to push her away. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe he doesn't see it that way, but I'd love to know his reasoning if he thought that was going to get her back. Yep.
Craig (17:02):
Yeah. well at this point, you know, I think he had a few signs here that maybe she was thinking about him and who knows where it was going to go, but it was too early to say, and then he did this big thing, which felt like a little thing, but it was kind of like, I don't know what he was thinking. I don't think I've seen anybody do that one before. But I mean she needs time. I mean, I wouldn't say it's hopeless. I'd say that she needs time because it's, you know, it's not a horrible, horrible thing, but in the midst of a breakup, it's kinda like, it's tacky, it's uncomfortable. And you know, I think it's got, like, I told them in the first email coaching whatever's going on with this other guy, that's going to have to fall apart first.
Craig (17:45):
But you know, exes often do on social media. Now, they're not probably thinking along the lines of, I want him to break no contact. It's more like an unconscious thing of, I miss him. I'm not going to say it. I miss her. I want it. But then, you know, so they do these little tiny behaviors. Right. And these are some of the ones that I've seen on social media, particularly good. A song, maybe a band that used to like a song that used to like together, a concert that you had been together. That's, that's a big sign I think. Right. It's it meant for you probably, yeah. A meme, especially if it's like related to something that you like, if it's an interest that you have a movie, a show, something like that, or some maybe kind of related to an inside joke you've had. Yeah. That's likely directed your way. Some kind of memory, sometimes an ex will share one of their memories that you were in it or, and repost it or something like that. That's obviously more direct. Here's another big one. This is a big one that you see, actually, if they reach out to a friend or family, like one of your friends.
Margaret (19:02):
Absolutely. And that happens all the time. Yeah.
Craig (19:05):
And they'll say how's, so-and-so doing and part of that I think is did he say anything about me?
Margaret (19:12):
That's what all of it's about, right? Yeah. Did he say anything? Does he or she miss me? Yeah.
Craig (19:17):
So that's a good sign. This is one from the new coach Vicky. She suggested this one. I was hoping she would get to film in this one, but she didn't today. Unblocking you. You okay. If they unblocked you now, she said that would be the lowest of the low, but unblocking, you would be a good sign.
Margaret (19:36):
We had somebody say to me the other day, is that a good sign? Yes.
Craig (19:39):
And these are all kind of related, showing up at your work. Obviously they know you work there. That's a big thing.
Margaret (19:47):
That's also a big problem. Most people see that as very intrusive.
Craig (19:52):
Yeah. But if you're the one that was dumped, it's not, as you don't feel as intrusive. If you're there, if you're going to the person that dumped you work that's way worse. Right? Yeah. So if they show up at your work or places that you hang out or places that they know, you'll be, those are all good signs that maybe that you'll reach out or contact them. However, I do not recommend you do it. Nope. If they ended the relationship, I recommend that you let them reach out to you. Behavior escalates to serve a function. Right. I learned this many, many years ago as a behavior analyst. And so if it's escalating, as it was here, I think these little scenarios, right. It would have continued to escalate if he didn't, he had left things alone. Now who knows where it would have gone. It doesn't mean necessarily they would have gotten back together or anything. That's a huge leap in logic. I'm just saying, I think she would have reached out. Now she did reach out about the birthday, but now it's got to take some time and he's got to wait.
Margaret (21:04):
See, but just in terms of his life, I want to congratulate him. He got a new job and he moved out. So he's really gaining on the life tasks that he has right now. And that's great. That is great.
Craig (21:17):
Absolutely. and that's what we want you to do. That's our focus all the time is to help you grow from your breakup, grow emotionally, heal your attachment issues and become the best version of yourself. And that way either you retract your ex and blow them away, or you are doing much better in the dating world and you're much more attractive emotionally and as a partner, you're bringing a lot more to the table, but you know, again, I want to reiterate Margaret that a lot of times the ex who did the dumping is unconsciously thinking about you. Of course. And doesn't have the...
Margaret (22:04):
I don't know, the awareness, the wherewithal, the knowledge
Craig (22:07):
Exactly. To reach out or, or they're just not quite motivated enough to do it, but you need to let them, because they need to sit with that decision and really realize that they can lose you as well. Right. It's so important that people realize that they're going to lose you when they end a relationship that you're not going to continue to beg or, or, you know, be there just sitting around, putting your life on hold. Yep.
Margaret (22:35):
You told me to get lost. So I got lost.
Craig (22:39):
But that's why we're always focused on the personal growth because no matter what happens, you put yourself in a winning situation.
Margaret (22:46):
But it also sounds to me like this particular pair had both had a difficult time. It didn't seem like either household was friendly or supportive. And it sounds like they may have been clinging to each other. And they're probably really attached to each other, even though all of the tasks of the twenties have gotten to them now. And it's hard to do,
Craig (23:06):
But he's doing a great job. As you said,
Margaret (23:09):
Yes, he's doing what his life tasks are, which are to separate from your family to move up. And he got a new job.
Craig (23:15):
He's going to look a lot more attractive to her when she does come back around again. I, I really suspect, you know, if she has several months and it falls apart with the new guy that she could reach out again, you know, three or four months that that's the vibe I get from this situation. But you know, who knows what's gonna happen in the future.
Margaret (23:34):
Three or four months, it can be five or six months, but yeah, I think they were very important to each other.
Craig (23:41):
Yeah. But just know that, you know, your ex may try and provoke you with little things to reach out to them. But I think, and I stand by this, you should let them reach out first and say made the decision to end the relationship.
Margaret (23:58):
You're right. I do. Okay. Thank you.
Craig (24:01):
All right. So hopefully you found this video helpful.
Margaret (24:04):
Can I make a comment? I just want to make another comment on direct indirect. Now I refer to commercials sometimes because I know everybody who watches TV sees them, but there's a wonderful one. It's a progressive ad with flow and Bigfoot. Okay. And they're having a rather pleasant chat and big of course has been spotted a couple of times. And he says to flow, maybe part of me wanted to be seen. Yes. There is an unconscious and bigfoot knows it.
Craig (24:35):
And now you do too.