I'm Scared My Ex Will Find Someone Better (While I'm In No Contact)

Craig (00:00):

Today we're going to talk about, I'm scared my ex will find someone better than me while I'm in no contact.

Margaret (00:48):

What a terrible fear.

Craig (00:50):

This is a big fear. Margaret. I think this is one of the underlying fears that we all have going through a breakup is that if I leave this person alone and they start dating again, everybody's going to want them the way that I want them.

Margaret (01:06):

I hadn't thought about it quite like that. Okay. that makes perfect sense. Yeah. Everybody's going to want them,

Craig (01:12):

We feel like, because we value that person so highly that everybody that meets them is going to as well. Well, that's a very real fear. I mean, it's possible. We can't tell people that can't or doesn't happen and we're not going to tell you that because it can happen. Right. It is a very real fear and we all have to kind of, you know, live with that and, and kind of work through it. And today I got a little email that I thought would be helpful because I do think it's such a powerful thing that it, it, it just impacts everybody

Margaret (01:52):

What an awful feeling. I'm not good enough. Yes it is.

Craig (01:56):

And when that person has left, you, it's like, it's kind of like, well, I'm not good enough. Cause if I was, they wouldn't have left me. Yep. So it's not easy to work through that. So I think we can talk about that, but I just wanted to share a quick email. It said, hi, coach Craig and Margaret. My name is Ryan and I'm 27 years old. And my girlfriend is 26. I stumbled across your channel after about a month and a half ago and have been utterly blown away by your content. Good. Thank you so much. My girlfriend left me after a three-year relationship. Wow. We had been living together for about a year and a half. I'm really having a hard time because she's the best girl I've ever known. I really don't think I'll ever meet someone that I'll have that kind of connection with again, Margaret, that's a big thing that a lot of people say,

Margaret (02:46):

Yes it is. And it's likely untrue. There isn't just one person out there for us. There are probably a few. But I, I feel terrible that he feels that way. Yes.

Craig (03:00):

And I felt that way before where you just you're just like this connection, how, you know, it's just so like incredibly shocking that the other person can walk away. Even if there were points where you were ready to walk away and you were frustrated, you were like, well, I love them enough to work through it.

Margaret (03:18):

They aren't there because I'm not good enough. Yeah.

Craig (03:21):

But I think that feeling of I'm so scared, I'm never going to find somebody like this again.

Margaret (03:27):

I felt like I had found the one. Yeah. Yup.

Craig (03:30):

And that makes that's what makes the breakup so hard for so many of us. Let me go on. Okay. I thought she would never leave. Well there we have it. I just wish she had given me another chance to show her how I've changed. And I've been trying. After watching your videos, I realized my childhood wasn't as good as I thought it had been. A lot of people come to us and say that

Margaret (03:55):

Common, I'll start with people. How was growing up? Oh, good. Can you tell me more? It turns out to be a disaster. Yep. Yep.

Craig (04:02):

And I hear it too. My father was very avoidant and rarely made time for anyone in the family. My mom and him would argue all the often little did I realize I had taken on a lot of his negative traits.

Margaret (04:18):

There's the deal

Craig (04:20):

It happens a lot. We, we unconsciously it's not taking take on those patterns and behaviors and sometimes we're like, wait, did, did my father just come in the room? And it would just came out of your mouth, right? Yeah.

Margaret (04:34):

Yeah. And that's wonderful if the awareness comes to you it sounds like this guy's just figuring it out. Yup. All right.

Craig (04:42):

Now that I've had a lot of time on my hands. I've been thinking about all the complaints my ex had. I used to spend my time watching TV or playing video games. Well, it's interesting.

Margaret (04:53):

Yeah, he was being avoidant. Just like his dad. Yeah.

Craig (04:57):

I was disconnected blunt, rude and condescending at times I kind of only thought about my own perspective and really didn't care about how I affected my girlfriend's mood. Just like his dad probably.

Margaret (05:14):

But he's owning it. God love him. Yeah.

Craig (05:17):

In many ways it was just like my parents' relationship. So he started to see,

Margaret (05:22):

You know, we say it often that unless we're aware, we tend to repeat what we grew up with. Whether or not it's what we want. Okay. So poor Ryan. He just got bowled over with all this all at once. Yeah.

Craig (05:35):

I'm just realizing how bad I was in the relationship. I honestly didn't know where to start. So I got your workbooks. Good. I was reluctant, but they are helping me a lot. Thank you. I wish I had found you sooner. I really feel like I'm learning and changing to be better. My biggest fear is that it will be too late. That while I'm in no contact, she will find someone better. I was hoping you and coach Margaret could talk about it. I'll be signing up for a coaching soon. Okay. So yes, Margaret, the big fear it's too late and that they're going to find somebody better.

Margaret (06:23):

And I see he gave us very concrete reasons of what would be better. What he's, she's going to find somebody who doesn't spend all their time watching TV or playing video games and who's going to pay more attention to her.

Craig (06:36):

Yes. And so I would say to you that you don't know what's going to happen. No, I always enter a situation like this. If me personally, with I'm going to do everything in my power to put myself in the best position to turn this around. Right. And that means obsessing on the personal growth. Because if you do either, she's going to come back and you're going to show her these changes or she doesn't come back and you're still going to truly change who you are and have much better relationship.

Margaret (07:09):

Yes. Then any relationship you have in the future will likely be better, but what a terrible way to feel all at once powerless, right? Yeah. Totally powerless.

Craig (07:18):

And I think that's where he gets his power back here. Is that focusing on the changing and what he can control. Right.

Margaret (07:26):

But also let me point out it's three years. So also obviously something went right. If she stayed with you for three years,

Craig (07:35):

That's a good point. Yeah. And oftentimes, you know, that person loves you and cares about you enough to where they, once they have time to reflect on things and really process things that they can think, well, I know he wasn't perfect, but I do miss him. Right. It just takes time to get there

Margaret (07:55):

And it can take months and people will say, well, it's already been three weeks now. See, it takes months.

Craig (08:01):

Usually does take months

Margaret (08:04):

Because the person has to adjust to being away from you first they're relieved. Then they start to feel more and more sad. And you know, after six months or seven months or eight months, it may hit them. I talked to a gentleman just recently this week who explained to me that he had been in a relationship and he didn't know how attached he was. He broke it off. And then 10 months later he got hit with a ton of bricks that he missed her terribly. Yep.

Craig (08:35):

Yeah. I talked to a guy today who had done the breaking up. I figured I talked to two guys today, one that had done the breaking up and then about nine months later, it hit him that what was going on. And I talked to another guy that he's having a hard time moving on from a breakup two years ago. Yeah. So you know, it takes time.

Margaret (08:59):

And if you haven't heard from your partner for six months, give it a year.

Craig (09:04):

It doesn't mean we want you to put your life on hold. No, not at all. We just, it doesn't mean that because it's been that amount of time that they can't come back again. I have people that come back after years now, we're not saying, put your life on hold and do anything like that. We want you to grow. We want you to heal. We want you to change and see how the future goes. But you know, it's always scary that your partner's going to find somebody better right away.

Margaret (09:31):

Absolutely. Absolutely. But I still say she was with you for three years. So there must have been something that worked. I agree. Yeah.

Craig (09:39):

And so keep that in mind and stay focused on the personal growth. Right. Okay. Because either she's going to come back or you're going to find somebody that's a better fit for you and you don't want to mess up. Imagine having that amazing connection with somebody new and then you make the same mistakes again. Yeah.

Margaret (09:58):

You don't want to do that.

Craig (10:00):

Then you're really going to beat yourself up because I mean, think about how many times, Margaret, somebody says, I didn't think my ex was coming back. I moved on, I stopped doing the work. My ex came back. I blew it. Yeah.

Margaret (10:13):

And I was the same guy she had left or the same woman he had left. Yeah. That always, that's the one set for us.

Craig (10:19):

That's the one thing that really gets me that I'm like, ah, that's how I try and tell you guys act like you're going to get one more chance. If you keep that attitude, you're going to be ready.

Margaret (10:32):

And I have to hand it to Ryan. He figured this out all at once. It sounds like to me and was just bowled over. But he's describing it to us and he's owning. It

Craig (10:43):

Said he had a lot of time on his hands. So he's probably watching our videos all day.

Margaret (10:48):

Well, so if you're ready to go to therapy, Ryan, I think you'll do just fine because you owned it and you were able to put words to it. And the work books are a great place to start too.

Craig (10:59):

Absolutely. And he is, he already started there. So that's great. There's one of the thing that I want to say your ex not reaching out to you for several months or months on end is not necessarily a bad thing. You might need that amount of time to heal and grow before you actually have a real chance of repairing what that person and that's what people don't think about. They think I just want them back right now. But the reality is, is that personal growth takes time and effort. And so if your ex came back in three weeks or a month, or even several months, you might just go right back to that.

Margaret (11:39):

The old behavior. And I mean, it's a very hard way to learn, but it is often helpful in the long run.

Craig (11:45):

Yeah. So use that to keep perspective of, okay, this is another day that I can improve myself is another day that I can figure out how I'm going to improve my relationships, how I'm going to improve, what are my weaknesses? How can I improve it? Look at your other relationships before this current ex is there a pattern?

Margaret (12:06):

Yes. and don't beat yourself up day after day. It's not helpful. And you need the energy to put into your healing and your growing. Yep. Okay. Absolutely. And like I say, you're owning it, which is half the battle you're on the right path. Absolutely.

Craig (12:26):

Have the mindset of, I'm going to have one opportunity. Am I going to be ready? And then you're going to put yourself in a much better position to show her that you are her best option, that there's not going to be somebody that's going to be as invested as great of a partner. Being able to bring that real joy into your life that a relationship can really do. Right? Right. So stay motivated and commit yourself to personal growth. You can't go wrong. Sometimes you need the ex as motivation. Some of you don't, but whatever your motivation is, just use it.

Margaret (13:07):

Absolutely. And call us when you don't know what else to do.

Craig (13:12):

That's what we're here for as well. Absolutely.

How Crucial Are The First 30 Days of No Contact

Craig (00:00):

Today we're going to be talking about how crucial are the first 30 days of no contact. Okay. A good subject. You know, this is a good subject and I'm glad this came up. I got a quick email because a lot of people have heard of the 30 day, no contact. That's been going on for many years. I don't know how many years. I don't know where it started. But the 30 days of no contact has kind of been something that people have kind of heard culturally. And I think it's talked about movies and stuff like that. And so when people are going through a breakup, that's one of the first things they think about and hear about and they panic about. And I understand because when you're in no contact, every second feels crucial and it feels like an eternity.

Craig (01:36):

So I got a quick email that I wanted to get to. And then we're going to talk about this. Okay. They said, Hey coach Craig and Margaret, I just started watching your channel a little bit more than a month ago. Unfortunately, you are not the first channel I came across, but I'm so happy that I did. I travel a lot for work. So I listened to your podcast in my car every day. Cool. And when I'm at home, I watch you on YouTube. I never say this. I always forget. You can find many of our episodes on iTunes and all the different podcast platforms that are out there. So you can listen in the car. I always forget to say that. Actually I don't even talk about it that often. And we recently had over a million listens on that. Yeah. And, and I rarely even mentioned it. So I was blown away by that. So thank you. Thank you. I'm on volume six of the workbook and I absolutely love them. They helped me so much to learn so much about myself actually. Don't think I've ever been so healthy and it's all thanks to you. So thank you both so much. I know you guys don't talk about the 30 day rule, like those charlatans. I'm just wondering, I haven't heard from my ex in over 30 days now, do you think that hurts my chances? Do you think that hearing from your ex in the first 30 days is crucial for my chances? Okay. So they came across stuff all the talking about 30 days. And so they're wondering about that. Okay. So do you think it hurts your chances if you haven't heard from them in 30 days? I say not at all.

Margaret (03:39):

That's what I say too. Yeah. Not at all. Not at all. It feels like 30 years, right.

Craig (03:45):

It really does. It really does the hardest part. And it's unfortunate because many of you are going to go to your friends and family and they're going to tell you, it's done. It's over, that's it. They moved on when it gets to like 30 days. And that's simply not the case. And in fact, time after time, and at least from what I see, people often need months before they want to repair things again. Yep. Okay. and I think there's a lot that goes on in that time. And even though it feels devastating to you when you've been dumped for the other person, I think it takes much longer than 30 days before they start to really feel the impact of losing you. Right. Okay. Right now that doesn't mean it doesn't happen sometimes. Of course it does. But not hearing your ex within 30 days, don't panic. No, I don't think that hurts your chances at all.

Margaret (04:51):

And then of course there are all those fears that they're going to find somebody else any minute now, any day now and live happily ever after. And that's not likely either.

Craig (04:59):

Well, you know, one of the things that's scary is that a lot of times your ex does start dating right away and we feel like it's going to last forever. Absolutely. I know I've been there and you really think that that new person is going to see all the great qualities that your ex does, but they may see that in the beginning, but I really don't think it leads to get them getting attached. Do you?

Margaret (05:23):

No, I don't. I don't, if it's a rebound. Yeah. They might have fun for a little while and it might be a distraction to your ex for a little while, but it very rarely works out. Yeah. I think that's what we've seen and, there are no perfect descriptions of stages, but we've, we've thought about this in terms of what the, I gathered the girlfriend broke up with him.

Craig (05:46):

Actually. I think this was a woman that wrote this.

Margaret (05:48):

Yeah. So you know, she's going to have all of those fears and we've found it can take months because first there's a sense of relief that you've done this thing that was very hard and you finally got it over with, and then you might feel better for awhile and six, eight months later, "I really miss so-and-so and wonder if I made the right decision."

Craig (06:16):

It's we know it's hard and, and it's such a difficult balance of going between do I move on or do I wait for this person that come back for me and you have to make that judgment for yourself? I like to focus on the personal growth stuff and make that my priority. And that way either way you're gonna win. If they, if they come back, you'll be in a much better position to turn it around. And if they don't, you're going to be much healthier and you're going to have a lot more skills to have in a new relationship. So, no, I would absolutely not worry about hearing from an ex in 30 days,

Margaret (07:00):

But we certainly understand where you got that.

Craig (07:03):

I totally understand. But if you sat next to me on my couch and heard all the, the calls that I do and how things progress day in and day out, I would say it's okay. 30 days is not that big a deal at all. Okay. And I the second question was, do you think it's crucial to hear from your ex and 30 days? Absolutely not. I don't think that hurts your chances at all. In fact, the way I like to see it is that the more time that you have from them, the more you really have the space and the ability to reflect upon what wasn't working and to grow and to change because growth doesn't happen in 30 days. No, unfortunately not.

Margaret (07:52):

No, it doesn't that wouldn't, I mean, not, not much can change in 30 days.

Craig (07:56):

I think the big thing that changes Margaret is the awareness of I made mistakes and it's such an overwhelming fear of I made mistakes and that's why they've left me. That's right. That's why they feel like I've changed.

Margaret (08:12):

Well, not in 30 days. No.

Craig (08:15):

It takes time to work through your attachment issues. It takes time to heal those things that happened in childhood that you're only starting to become aware of, which is why we talk about attachment issues and trauma and mental health,

Margaret (08:32):

All those things.

Craig (08:34):

Yeah. So, you know, I'm glad somebody sent this because I had never really thought about that 30 day and feeling that pressure of it's 30 days or, or it's 30 days, should I reach out now?

Margaret (08:49):

Right. And are there some coaches who say you should

Craig (08:54):

I don't recommend no, in my experience, it's much better to allow that person to come back. And you know, of course every situation is so different. I've had people that I thought and said to them, wait, why are you in no contact? This person is trying to repair this and what's going on here? And then I hear situations where it's like, okay, you definitely need to stay in no contact. Especially if somebody is like saying, is there a legal actions or that, you know, that they're being threatened with legal actions? Like, don't call me, I'm going to call them

Margaret (09:28):

Please. Yeah. Oh yeah, yeah. Back off.

Craig (09:32):

But I do think that 30 days came from somewhere many, many years ago and it just kind of became an you know, entrenched in the culture. And so that's why we're trying to enlighten you guys and help you guys see that no, 30 days is not a big deal. And if somebody broke up with me today, I would not expect to hear from them within that 30 days. Sometimes they do go, sometimes they will do indirect direct approaches of the breadcrumb. You, or

Margaret (10:07):

Yeah. I have the key to your apartment or,

Craig (10:10):

Or sometimes they have to handle business. Yeah. But if you're in a situation where you're afraid that, Oh my gosh, it's been 30 days I haven't heard from them or 30 days is about to be up. Should I reach out to them now? No, we don't believe in that.

Margaret (10:28):

And it's always hard to explain. I think we both do it all of the time. How does it better your chances to not be in contact then making contract? Okay. You're telling me not to do the thing I want to do the most and that's going to scare me the most cause I can't do it, but we have found definitely no contact is much more likely to get your ex back than contact. Absolutely. Or we wouldn't tell you that. Yeah. But it is counter-intuitive Craig's favorite word, right? It's counter doesn't make logical sense. Yeah.

Craig (11:00):

Yeah. And you're going to have a lot of family and friends that are going to say things to you. They don't understand how breakups navigate because they're so complicated. Right? I mean, a lot of times family and friends are telling you they're done. They're over you. Move on. Just forget about that.

Margaret (11:19):

It was no good for you anyway. And you know, but if you're, if you loved her, it's not that easy. No, I told you my latest, my latest war is against the phrase of you must let go. No, you must work through, so you can't just let go of feelings that are major for you. You have to process them and entertain them and, and deal with them, you know? So you can't just let go and date somebody else next week.

Craig (11:46):

It's not the healthiest thing to do. No.

Margaret (11:48):

And I mean, people mean to be helpful. They don't want to see you glum. They want to see you cheer up. Yeah.

Craig (11:54):

And oftentimes they're angry at your ex for hurting you. Yes, of course. And you know, they most likely had a relationship with your ex. And so they're upset because they're like, I can't believe they would do this. I can't believe they would leave you. And so they're hurt and angry at your ex too. Family may be particularly hurt by it. And you know, you, you gotta think about, who's telling you these things, how healthy are their relationships, right? Are you getting advice from somebody that can't maintain a relationship telling you, just forget about it, move on, move on.

Margaret (12:33):

Well, who's been in a relationship for 30 years and doesn't talk to their partner. That's another possibility, another possibility.

Craig (12:40):

So it's okay. If you don't hear from an ex in 30 days, I would be surprised if they do. I would be thinking more likely they're going to need more time. And I think that's a good thing because it really does take time to get your life turned around and really work through issues that you've been doing or things that were going on in the relationship that you're trying to improve. So keep focusing on yourself, keep focusing on that personal growth. It's going to help you either way. You can't lose by focusing on that. Because like I said, time and time again, either you're going to have another chance with that person and you're going to show them you've changed or you're going to do amazing in new relationships.

Margaret (13:41):

Right. And how what's better than that? Right. And what we say right off the bat is working on your attachment stuff. Absolutely.