Are You Rejecting Women Unconsciously?

Are You Rejecting Women Unconsciously?

 Have you ever wondered why you meet a new woman it doesn’t go anywhere? This can be from getting their number, or going on a few dates, or even in your relationships.

Well there are a lot of things that we do that we are completely unaware of. The reason I made this video is to share some unconscious behaviors you may be doing and making you aware of them.

Hi Craig. I wanted to thank you again for our awesome call about a week ago.  I felt so much better hearing your feedback and just talking about things. I will definitely scheduling another soon. The reason I am writing you today is I have a question that I was hoping you could do a topic on.

After talking with you, I’m starting to realize that I sabotage my chances with meeting women. I don’t understand what I am doing wrong. I know I’m not over my ex and I’m not sure I even want to date. Do you have any ideas?

We All have blind spots. One way of making changes is getting feedback. Like I always say: You cant fix a problem until you know what it is.

 So one possibility for many of you guys out there is that you are unknowingly sabotaging your chances with women

I have a list here of 10 ways you might be unconsciously rejecting possible women:

1 If you’re used to being rejected you might unconsciously seek out rejection because that is what you are familiar with. So if you had parents that would reject you, you are going to be attracted to women that reject you.

 2 If you’re overly sensitive to rejection you may be hypersensitive to even the smallest behavior and interpret as rejection. If you sense a rejection, you’ll obviously not pursue someone.

Now, with that- It can be real or imagined.

3 You’re scared. If you are scared to meet someone new and open up again you may do things to sabotage things.

 4 Rejecting them first? You may be rejecting people that would be interested in getting to know you. You can do this by nitpicking on little things. Disqualify them before you give them a chance.

 5 Do you test other people. Purposely put up barriers so they cant get close. Maybe you do things that you know will push them away right away.

 6 Choosing someone who is unavailable? Married? Lesbian?

 7 Making up stories or excuses so you don’t approach them. They look rude.

 8 Not staying present with them in the interaction. Maybe you are distracted. Stare at other women that walk by. Look at your phone.

 9 Only wanting your ex. You wont even give anyone new a chance. You don’t feel ready or you feel like “oh what’s the point” I just want my ex back.

10 Comparing them to your ex

Loving Someone Who Doesn't Want You

Loving Someone Who Doesn’t Want You

Break ups are so difficult for so many reasons.

 It’s so hard to be in love with someone who can walk away so easily.

 What hurts is knowing how much you miss and love them. How much you value them or would do anything to be with them again… And they don’t even seem to care if you’re alive.

I Skyped with a guy this morning from the video My Broken Heart. His ex was in his job with her father. They walked right by him.

 He is crushed. And I know how bad it hurts. Its the worst.

 The first email is a follow up from yesterdays video Relationships That Will Never Work.

 Hi Craig,

I watched the video, “relationships that will never work”  and actually cracked up at most of it!  I appreciate your comical and serious response.  I do want to clarify, when I said” the greatest man”, there was a lol behind it!  That is what he thinks of himself!  I do see through the veil finally.

When I did try to confront him with the fact that I had seen the emails he did deny it of course but, when I emailed it to him was whenhe sent back the barrage of reasons why it was not true or I made it up.

I did not have sex with him since I found out!  I did get tested for STD’s and I told him!  And, he was always moved which made it easy, and the fact he may not have wanted it like that anymore.  I am thinking he does not want the emotion involved in intimacy is why he choose to write to dude on Craigslist.  I do not have reality distortion. 

I did send new gf screenshots of our texts of him being mad and saying I must have sent info about Craigslist incident.  Because the night before I did say well I wonder how you new gf would like to know.  But I did not send that about him writing to dudes.  I thought better of it while he was screaming slander and sue me.  It was just texts of him being irritate and threatening me.  I don’t think she liked it because she wont talk to him anymore.  He picked up the rest of his belongings today.  It did not go well.  I am so much stronger because of your help.  He said I did send her that, I know I did not.  It is his fear.  I did not want him happy in a new relationship and that was mean of me.  I also protected her because this has been his triangulation pattern for years.  He will do the same thing to the next girl. Yes, it hurts I loved him anyway.  How sick is that.  My conclusion is if anyone gets too close, he sabotages it by distancing and starts flirting and seeing if there is someone else because no one is as good as him (He thinks).  No, I do not believe that anymore.  Even though he said to me “you will never find a man as good as me!

I know my email was disjointed, I wanted to bring it together but panicked when I saw the 24 hours thing.  He and I were on and off meaning we broke up because I did not put up with it.  Later we got back together and we got along best when there was no pressure for a relationship.  I wanted to be loved and be in a secure trusting place but it could not happen because of the cheating distrust and my snooping.  I know this relationship was unhealthy and it helped me confirm it with your help knowledge and guidance.  I should have listened to my family and friends.  I felt he does have a good side and I am empathetic to his pain.  But, not at a cost to my emotional health anymore.  Thank you for your help Craig. I will keep listening to you. Hopefully, I can get a healthy relationship someday.  I know it takes time and investment.  I do not want to go fast.

Today's video focuses on loving someone who doesn’t want you. I did an email coaching and then followed up with a Skype this week.

 Guy in his late 50’s dating a woman the same age

Hi Craig, We started dating about 7 years ago, and have lived together for the last 6 years.  We were engaged the last 3 years.

She has children from a previous  marriage and I have 2 from a previous marriage. All the kids are living on there own.

She came from a very loving  and caring family. Her father passed away about 8 years ago. her mother passed away last November. After her mother passed away is when things started to change.

 She inherited her Moms home and over half a million dollars. She was going to rent her Moms house, but started to mention that we move there.I told her that I would be open to moving in a few years when were retired.

Shortly after Valentines Day I went to a out of town business meeting, When I got back she had packed up and moved to her moms house. 

Craig: WOW. That is crazy.

When I contacted  her, she first told me that we would  still be a couple but live in separate homes, but later said she would need some  time and space to think about it.  

 Craig: Wonder what happened?

The first day I did all the wrong things texting,  calling,  and pleading.  I then waited 4 days and sent her a text asking how she was doing , she replied that she was fine and how i was doing. The the next morning she texted me letting me know that we should go our seperate ways.

Craig: Where did all this come from?

 I have not contacted her since. She did mail me a letter    saying that she was sorry she left the way she did and that she cared for me, but  that it seemed  that we were not communicating any more and that she needed to live in her moms home. She closed the letter that she would always remember the good times we had together. Also enclosed with the letter was the engagement ring.  I have been  in no contact for about a month now.

 Craig: Ouch. That was heartless.

 We had very good relationship, never really argued much at all. I love her very much and miss her a lot.

Craig: Unfortunately, it seems like her inheriting that money appears to have a huge impact on her decision. She seems to have decided that she wanted a different or new lifestyle now that she has money.

It was incredibly cruel of her to leave you the way that she did. She does not act like an adult and acts very selfishly. If I was you I would not reach out and I would think long and hard about taking her back.

 If she does reach out, I would make her work really hard to try and earn YOU back.

Why The No Contact Rule Is So Difficult

Why No Contact Is So Difficult

So I get a lot of questions about the no contact rule. So I thought I would talk about why it’s so hard for us to do.

Every break up is different. Every relationship is different. You both are two unique individuals with your own set of experiences, beliefs, histories. Yet the pain we feel when we lose someone we love or care or care about is universal.

The best thing you can do to feel better during a break up is talk about it. That is how we heal. Just be careful about taking advice from friends and families. They have good intentions, but will give bad advice. I get messages every day from people who say I wish I had found your channel sooner, I wish I had come to you first.

I got an email here from Victoria who says: Hi Craig. Amazing channel. My best friend and I are both going through break ups. We both discovered your channel when we were looking up break up advice online.  I honestly thought you were just going to be this cute guy who had nothing but the same stuff as anyone else. After two videos, I was absolutely hooked. Your information on anxiety, attachment styles, and attachment trauma blew us away. You’re really smart. Would it be bad to admit, I’m kind of crushing on you? Lol. I’m looking forward to our Skype coaching.

Anyway, I was hoping you could do a video to talk about why no contact is so incredibly hard. My friend has not been able to do it with her ex and he keeps treating her cold and indifferent. I just started it 8 days ago and I feel like I’m dying inside. Every day feels like an eternity. I cant stop thinking about him.

Craig: Yes break ups are incredibly difficult. I speak from experience. I did not handle them well at all. Which is why I was so determined to figure them out.

I remember when one of my ex’s broke up with me I was absolutely shocked and crushed. Because we had such a great relationship, I only saw a few small signs.

Anyway, I remember I moved out and all I could think about was her. You have these incredibly intrusive pre occupied thoughts. You can’t stop thinking about the person. 3 days later she called to check on me and I wanted to explode.

I was like give us another chance. Please I love you. Vomiting my feelings all over her. The anxiety is just incredibly overwhelming. The pain we experience is absolutely horrible. We literally feel like we are dying inside.

It is like going through withdrawals. Its like an addict giving up a drug. Your brain shows activity in the regions linked with addiction.

I believe it is a survival instinct. Your brain forces you to obsess on finding your loved ones to help you survive and keep your genes alive. Plus if you lose your mate it decreases the chances of you having off spring.

Your brain deprives you of Oxytocin and dopamine. Then it releases stress hormones. Cortisol which suppresses appetite, memory and immune system.

So our body is experiencing chemical reactions.

Those chemicals then start to trigger our mind and our emotions. We begin to feel tremendous amounts of separation anxiety. 

The reason why no contact is hard is because human beings are wired to connect to others. Our relationship with others is our primary way of staying safe. Bonding and connecting with loved ones makes you feel safe.

We have this wired into us and its part of us at birth. Infants scream and cry to get their parents to come take care of them. We are afraid of death.

I have another email here from Ed who says: Hi Craig, I am really having a hard time doing no contact. I’m afraid that if I don’t contact my ex soon I’m going to lose her. We had been together for 2 years and she said she is unsure about how she feels about me. I’m only on day 4 and I don’t think I can take this. I know my ex likes to go out on the weekends and I’m afraid she’s going to find someone new. I know there are a few guys that like her and I don’t want to lose her. I was thinking about texting her tomorrow and seeing if I could do something nice for her. I thought that if I can text her before she goes out, she might think about me and not go after anyone else.

Craig: I know how difficult it is. You need to leave her alone and give her some space. In your case I can tell that your anxiety made caused you to be controlling and do things to make her feel trapped.

If you contact her now, when she’s asked for space, she’s only going to feel more trapped.

The problem is more about what is going on within you then it is about losing her. It sounds like you have an attachment trauma.

You did not have a secure relationship with your caregivers. You didn’t feel unconditional love. So you thought you had to do things to please them. Just like you are trying to do things to get this girl. You can’t buy someone’s love like that. It just doesn’t cause attraction.

If you’re keeping your feelings bottled up inside you are only going to feel worse. You have to talk about it.

Now as far as getting her back, what you need to understand is that if you don’t know what the problem was in your relationship, you might do a few things to get their interest up again, but you won’t be ready.

You won’t have healed and grown and done the necessary work to making the relationship last. You broke up because something was wrong with the relationship. In order to fix it, you need to know what the problem is.

I will help you figure out what went wrong and come up with a plan for your unique situation.

When Your Ex Doesn't Respond To Your Texts

When Your Ex Doesn’t Respond To Your Texts

Every day I talk with guys and women who lose emotional self control absolutely lose it when their ex doesn’t respond to their text.

So today I thought I’d do a video about it and explain the absolute importance of having discipline and not losing emotional self control.

I got an email here from Maurice who is going through this exact situation.

Hi Craig: Absolutely brilliant channel. I am hooked and you have helped me tremendously. I wanted to share my situation. My ex and I broke up about 3 weeks ago. Of course I begged her to work it out and it only turned her off. I tried calling her sister and getting information which worked for a few days. After that my ex told me not to contact her sister anymore because it was only making her mad.

I felt like I was dying inside. I am sick to my stomach, I can’t eat, can’t sleep and every waking moment I cannot stop thinking about her. Every day felt like an eternity.

Craig: I get that a lot. Every day you don’t hear from them feels like torture. You absolutely obsess about them. It’s because we are feeling the same pain and anxiety we would have if we lost our parents as children. For those of us who had an insecure attachment to our caregivers it’s even more painful because we had trauma.

The trauma and the anxiety causes our body to release chemicals that say. Go find your parents. You are going to die without them! This is how we are wired.

So we are absolutely consumed with getting them back. It’s all we can think about. Because our body is releasing chemicals that say YOU ARE IN DANGER. YOU MUST GO FIND THEM.

Maurice: I was trying so hard to figure out what to do. I kept thinking of all the things I could do to win them back. I decided I had come up with a plan. I was going to text her and then take her to a concert coming in town that I knew she would want to go to.

Craig: Grand gesture does not work. IF someone doesn’t want to be with you, doing something nice for them does not make them want you back. It turns them off. Just try to put yourself in that situation. Remember a time where someone liked you, but you had no interest. Even them doing something nice for you wouldn’t cause them to be interested.

Maurice: So I decided I was going to text her “Hi beautiful” and when she responded, ask her to the concert. So after about 2 weeks of no contact I texted it to her. I sat patiently waiting for hours. Nothing. I thought she’ll text me in the morning.

Nothing. Two days later she responded. I told you I need space. I lost it. I started crying, I was sick to my stomach. I couldn’t believe it.

Craig: So here we see the two most difficult fears of a relationship occurring. Fear of abandonment and fear of being smothered.

He was feeling abandoned. Anxiety alarms going off like crazy. Body releasing chemicals that cause him physical stress. The trama and the pain of abandonment reactivated. Just as scared and as intense as he was a kid.

Her-feeling trapped. Engulfed. Smothered already. When he reaches out, it gets worse.

Maurice: I thought if I just tell her why I was texting her she would want to go. So I texted her again.

Craig: He reached out again. His value lowers in her eyes. She loses respect for him. He appears desperate. Weak. Insecure. Her attraction for him drops. Where once her heart would have skipped a beat by seeing his text, now she feels annoyed.

Maurice: I told her that I got us tickets to the concert. She didn’t even reply. Now I feel even worse than the two weeks of no contact. It obviously made it worse. I totally see why you say you have to wait until they reach out to you.

Craig: Yes, you aren’t going to be rejected if you wait to hear from them. They DEFINITELY want to talk with you if you wait for them.

 Look, if you acted like a catch. How would you act? You wouldn’t chase her, do nice things to try and bribe her attention. You would be confident and secure in knowing that you are her best option.

But you likely have insecurity, which stems from the first two years of life. You were abandoned so you internalized and thought it was your fault. That you weren’t good enough, you weren’t lovable. But that simply wasn’t true. If your parents didn’t love or care for you, it’s because they didn’t know how to love or attach to others.

Now you are constantly afraid that you aren’t good enough… And because you believe it, you act like it. When you start to act like it she’s going to start to believe it too.So when someone breaks up with you, you don’t reach out to them. You let them come back when they miss you. You can’t make someone care about you. If they aren’t attached or they don’t care about youcan’t force them.

If they care about you, they’ll contact you. They’ll do the indirect/direct approach. I had one guy tell me today that his ex told him she wanted to come see the cat.

Stop all contact and lower your interest. You have to move on and show that you are strong. That you will survive without them. Continuing to text over and over again is only going to make things worse.

Break ups can be extremely confusing. I highly recommend my new workbook series The Knowledge. You will follow along with my videos answering questions that really help you grow, change, and re-attract your ex.

Volumes 1-5 are sold separately, but if you purchase the collection, you save.

Just click the link below:

How To Know If Your Ex Is Interested Again

How To Know If Your Ex Is Interested Again

In this video I’m going to talk about how to tell if someone is interested in you again. When we are emotionally attached to an outcome we often can have a very difficult time seeing what is going on.

This is especially true if you have attachment injuries. If you grew up in a home where you were not seen, heard or understood. If you formed an anxious or avoidant attachment style you likely distorted reality when things became too painful.

You might have told yourself that you have a great relationship with your family (even though you never really talked with them). It was because reality was too painful.

When we are in a situation that is too painful we distort reality as a way to cope. So, many of the guys I work with lie to themselves about what is really going on in a situation. I have an extreme example of a guy who has been distorting reality:

Hi Craig: So I think I have a really good chance of getting my ex back and I wanted to hear what you think. My ex broke up with me because I cheated on her. She didn’t actually catch me in the act, so she isn’t 100 percent sure I did it. I was drunk when I admitted it, but I think she may have forgotten. Plus I brought her flowers the next day.

She says she wants time and space away from me. I don’t think she really means it. It’s only been 3 months, but the other day she texted me to mail her the last of her things. She said she would mail me a check to cover the costs.

I was thinking I would just bring her back her things, so she will be happy to see me. I mean why would she offer to send me money if she didn’t want us to get back together?

Craig: Okay so you think that bringing the flowers away took away the pain of your betrayal? No. Not even close.

She said she wants time and space. Yes I think she really does mean it. She said she would cover the cost of the shipping because she wants her things back.

She is showing absolutely no sign of wanting you back. Nothing, if anything she is showing she has no desire to get you back.

If you want to know if a woman is interested you need to look at her behavior. Any time a woman puts contacts you… FOR ANY REASON, assume she is interested.

A lot of men get confused about the indirect/direct approach. So let me talk about it a little bit. If you haven’t talked to someone in a long time, they are going to be apprehensive about contacting you. They are going to worry that you will be mad at them.

They don’t want to make themselves vulnerable by saying: I want to know what’s going on in your life. I want to see you. I think about you. Because that puts them at risk for rejection. Nobody likes to feel rejected.

So women know they have to directly contact you. They call you, or text you, or send you a message to you somehow. That’s the direct part of the indirect direct approach.

Now, the indirect part is that they often send a message that confuses you. They don’t directly say: Hey, I miss you.

Perfect example: My friend got a text message last week: I just wanted to tell you I hope you have a good day. He hadn’t heard from her in a year.

They are almost always going to send you a text that leaves you confused.  Sometimes they will use a birthday or a holiday as an excuse. Most people don’t know if it’s an excuse or the real reason. It is NOT the real reason. The reason is because they miss you and want to talk with you.

Women do not contact men they aren’t interested in.

What To Do When Your Ex Blocks You Online

What To Do When Your Ex Blocks You Online

So getting blocked by an ex isn’t usually a good sign.  So if you had an ex block you recently it can cause you to be even more anxious and worried that you won’t ever get them back

It probably is triggering separation anxiety and making you obsess about them even more.

You may be feeling powerless and hopeless. It’s difficult because you may be shocked that it happened, you’re unprepared, and there’s nothing you can do to prevent it from happening.

I have an email here from Buck who just found out that his ex blocked him from everything. Hello Craig, I just want to say love the channel and the videos. Your website looks great too. I’m a big fan of your work and information. I wish I was writing to you about a success story but I think it may be too late for me to get my ex back.

I just found out that my ex blocked me on everything. I messed up pretty bad recently and I’m not sure I can recover. She broke up with me a few months ago. I had initially tried begging her and talking to her about working things out. She said she needed time and space. I tried to give it to her for a few weeks. After I didn’t hear from her I tried sending her a card and 2 dozen roses to her house. She didn’t reply or send anything.

Her mother is kind of controlling so I started to think about it more and more and I convinced myself that her mother didn’t tell her about the flowers. So I decided to try again. This time I showed up at her work with two dozen roses.

I tried giving her the flowers and she refused. She said I didn’t contact you after the first ones you sent to my house why would I want more. Her boss came over and threw me out. That night after she got off of work she blocked me from everything. Is it hopeless?

Buck I would say that at this point in time it’s pretty hopeless. Yes she is angry at you. Yes she may calm down. But I would absolutely not pursue her at this point.

She has made it clear she is not interested. For whatever reason. If you continue to pursue someone after she has repeatedly made it clear she is uninterested, she will get a restraining order on you.

Think about this: Lets say she does change her mind in a few weeks and contacts you. Lets go as far as to say she says she wants to work it out. Would you really want to give someone, who completely blocked you out of their life, another chance?

Now, I don’t know what lead up to the break up. If you did something really messed up. At this point all you can do is move on.

I would recommend that you do not contact her for any reason. Let her contact you. If and when she does be friendly. Not over excited. Simply see if she would like to get together.

You can’t force people to want to stay in your life.

The hard part, the painful part of situations like this is letting go of attachments. Which is incredibly difficult because we are wired to attach to others. It’s how we feel safe.

When that relationship is ruptured or ended it is incredibly painful. It feels like death. And we instinctively want to do anything and everything in our nature to reconnect with that person.

Unfortunately, the grand gesture, begging, pleading, trying to talk about those things with a woman rationally do not cause attraction. Women want a secure base. Being the mountain. You want to make them feel safe.

Think about a time where you saw someone begging. It makes them feel like they are in complete control. You are not equals. You are essentially saying: You are more valuable than I am.

There is nothing attractive about that. People want what they consider to be valuable.  Watch my video We Create Our Own Value.

So if someone blocks you. You want to respect that. Respect the boundary they are setting with you.

Have no expectation that they will change their mind. They might. They may just be angry at you right now.

You have to give them time and space. If they are angry, they will calm down. Wait until they contact you. I wouldn’t wait too long. You want to move on with your life and learn from your mistakes.

It has to be their idea to contact you again. Don’t keep trying to force yourself into someones life that doesn’t want you.

You want people to value you too.

If you want additional help with your breakup check out my workbook series The Knowledge!

The No Contact Rule- Important Reminders

The No Contact Rule- Important Reminders

I did a Skype coaching session from someone who started watching my videos a few weeks ago. During the session we discovered a key element that was causing confusion about the no contact rule.

So I have some really important reminders of why we do the no contact rule and how to use it effectively.

He sent me an awesome email after my coaching so first I’m going to share that, then I’m going to clarify a few things about no contact.

Hi Craig,

I wanted to give you a very heartfelt thank you for your time with me today.  Thank you

 It's amazing to me how much I, along with others thought they knew about women, relationships and even themselves/myself. That was until I found you.  Your videos have helped me tremendously and I will continue to watch them.  Not just once.   But again and again. 

I have learned so much in this short time and will continue to learn.

Your coaching session today was very effective.  Your words of advice resonated with me.   You helped to put me in a better place of understanding and point me in the direction that I need to be going.

 I watched another 3 videos.

-How to be her mountain

-How to be her Superman

-Be her best option.....

 Along with working on myself to get better, I want to be Christine best option.  I know in my heart that I am her best option. Although my heart aches (with tears in my eyes as I write this), I will work on becoming a better man.  For myself and Christine. I also want you Craig, to be proud of me as I continue to follow your advice. You are very wise, personable, caring etc.  I can feel your passion in what you do and you truly care about the health and happiness of others. Another goal I have is to be able to contact you with a success story.  To be able to let you know that Christine and I have reunited. In the meantime, I will continue to learn and apply and do the things I need to move forward and achieve that goal. Bye for now.

So let me talk about No Contact, why it’s important, and how to use it effectively.

If a woman breaks up with you, I suggest that you tell her, how you love her and want to work things out and to contact you if they change their mind. You aren’t trying to be cold here. You are simply trying to negotiate terms to your liking.

You want a good deal. Anything less than what you want is a bad deal!!! Accepting friendship is a terrible deal. Because you’re not getting what you want.

If you went in to buy a Ferrari and they say here is a 1989 Ford Escort for the same price, would you accept the deal? Hell no. Only accept deals on YOUR terms.

You are the star of your own movie! She is not the star of your movie! There are several reasons for making no contact. If someone breaks up with you, it has to be their idea to get back together.

Now, if you have not told her “Call me if you change your mind”, that’s okay! You don’t want to contact them to tell them that. They will figure it out. You tell them that IF someone breaks up with you.

You’re going to look foolish if you call someone to say hey, I’m not going to contact you anymore, call me if you change your mind.

Aside from using no contact as a way to move on for your life (this video is if you want your ex back and you use no contact).

You are saying I’m moving on with my life and then you DO IT. You cannot initiate contact for any reason.

Why, any form of communication. Likes on any kind of social media, text messages, ANYTHING tells that person you are STILL interested.

A woman is more attracted to men who’s feelings are UNCLEAR.

She MUST be completely unclear that you will ever contact her again. As a matter of fact, you want her to think that she won’t ever contact her again…WHY? Anxiety is the root of desire. The things we are anxious about are the things you desire.

So if you want her to desire you, she has to be anxious that she has lost you.  This is why jealousy works. Because she is afraid she is going to lose you.

Now, here is a very important point. No contact means you do not INITIATE contact. IF and when they contact you, do not ignore them. Now, I would make them wait a while (that will cause their anxiety to rise and want you more) but maybe like the next day.

Remember they dumped you. Now, you were probably doing things to hurt them, make them feel trapped, or had insecure behavior.

But their value of you dropped to the point where they would rather be without you, then try to work it out.

So take your time replying and act indifferent when they message you. You’re happy if you are with her and it would be great to see her, but you are okay if you don’t.

If your ex messages you, most likelyby using the indirect/direct approach.

Some kind of bizarre or confusing text message. But when a woman contacts you ALWAYS assume it’s because SHE WANTS TO SEE YOU.

Simply invite her over to your place to hang out. Tell her to bring over some wine. You want romance to happen.

Forget about talking. No talking about your feelings. There has to be a bit of fantasy to this. Talking about feelings just kills the fantasy for her.

YOU NEED INTIMACY AND DESIRE.

Once you start having sex again, your body will begin to release all the chemicals that make you feel good. Oxytocin, Serotonin.

Then after you have hooked up for a little while her body will release bonding hormones and she will want to be back together.

So remember, no contact is not about ignoring your ex. It’s about getting the relationship on YOUR Terms. It’s about getting them to get anxious about losing you, causing them to desire you again.

We Want What We Can't Have

We Want What We Can’t Have:

This is a topic I’m going to cover in future videos, but today was a good one I thought would be a good one to introducing it.

People often want what they don’t have. Once you get something and have it, the desire to want it goes away.

If you tell me I can’t, then I want it more. Everyone wants what they can’t have. If you take something away from someone, they want it more

I love your videos. Here is my situation: About 6 months ago I started dating a girl who works at an office I must go to every few weeks for work. Anyway, we dated for about 4 months and I really liked her. I could tell that she was a little stand off compared to other more needy women I have dated in the past. I was trying to not act needy and never over pursued her.

We were not exclusive yet and I did not bring up the "relationship" label and was waiting for her to bring it up before we had the discussion.

Craig: Good job so far. People have two major fears in relationships Fear of Abandonment and Fear of Engulfment (being trapped).

One way to make sure that the woman you’re interested in doesn’t feel trapped/engulfed is to let her be the one to bring up commitment and exclusivity.

I had planned a 3 week vacation to travel for just myself before I ever even met her and it was soon approaching. This was after dating for about 3.5 months. We had sex two nights before I left and a good date.

She dropped me off at the airport and I gave her a hug and a kiss and she told me to not be a stranger.  5 days into my trip I texted her and she was a bit short but responsive.

Craig: Okay, sometimes waiting a long time to message a girl can come off a little cold. I’ve been thinking about the phone for setting dates only and I think the stance can be cut back a little. Especially after 3 months of dating and she dropped you off at the airport. I would have probably called her once you got settled into your hotel. But sometimes you have to go with your gut.  I think the major thing is not to contact out of fear or anxiety.

Then she sent me a picture of her and another guy (who I believe was one of her gay friends she never mentioned.)  I responded "new friend?" to which she never responded. Since she didn't respond I did not text her once from the rest of my remaining 3 week trip.

Craig: What is that about? That is just bizarre. If it was just a friend why wouldn’t she have replied? Is she texting you a picture of some new guy? Very weird.

I flew home and saw her at her work about 5 days after I got home, we still had not spoken at this time. I text her it was great to see her and asked when we could hang out.

Craig: Why didn’t you ask her in person when you saw her? You had been dating her for 3 months. My gut tells me you were a little too cold with this girl.

She waited two days to respond and brushed me off and said "maybe next week." I told her to let me know when she was free.

About a week later I saw her at work again and she agreed to come to my house a few days later. But right after she agreed and I left, my friend at her office called and told me she was just talking about going on a date that night with her "boyfriend." I called her immediately and she told me "I wouldn't exactly call him my boyfriend. We met at a party and I'm interested in him and want to see where it goes."

Ouch.

I asked her if her feelings were hurt because I didn't call on my vacation. She said "I wouldn't say hurt, just shocked. And no call to ask me to pick you up at the airport either."

Craig: So I think after you kind of disappeared she figured you lost interest.

I told her I didn't want to get in the way of her and the other guy and to call me if she changed her mind or it didn't work out. I was shocked she could have a "boyfriend" so fast since she was such an avoidant personality. It didn't make sense that she would rush into something.

Craig: People that have their needs unmet for a long time are quick to rush into relationships. They don’t have boundaries. They have the urge to rush into relationships quickly.

I went no contact after I told her to let me know if she changed her mind. Two weeks later she sent me a text saying "I just thought of you when people in the office were talking about your next meeting, good luck haha!" I waited an hour and text her back "thanks, I'll need as much help as possible over there. I assume you have a night to come hang out in my neighborhood this week?"  She never responded to my text, so I just left it at that.

Craig: Right now her interest is lower. But that can change.

It's been one month since the text and just two days ago I saw her at the office for 3 minutes and kept it light hearted. She was friendly and we were laughing and she touched my arm twice but am not sure if she was just trying to be nice because she has to see me at work and I have a small position of power at their office. Obviously I want it to be because was feeling attracted to me but I feel like that would be having a false sense of hope. I have been doing no contact the entire time and will continue to do it but can't get her off my mind. Each time I see her I have a setback, I remain in no contact but I do have to see her for work every few weeks and avoid it as much as possible.

Craig: The reason you want her back so bad is because you are anxious about her. The minute someone is less interested in us its our human nature to want them more.

What are your thoughts? Based on all I have learned in the past few months I can tell she is dismissive avoidant by things I have only ever noticed by dating her compared to other women I have dated. I have no problems meeting new women but this one is hard to let go of, even though there were many actions I did not like that she did that were signs of the avoidant. (Waiting long times to text back, flirting in front of me, spacing out in conversations, always talking about why it ended with the last 3 guys she dated, etc) I would feel more confident about her trying to reconnect if she was a anxiously attached person but I'm afraid since she can cut people off that I'll never hear from her again to try it again.

Craig: I think you’re only really interested in her because she’s a challenge. It’s clouding your judgement. Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone with an avoidant attachment style?

You didn’t even like her behavior. Flirting with guys in front of you? Spacing out in conversations, always talking about why it ended with the last 3 guys.

She’s doing you a favor. You have made relationships about a challenge. I’m not sure how old you are, but it seems like you’re playing games.

Focus on making it about having a great relationship. With someone that is going to be there for you.

I think if you got her would you really even want her? Find a great girl that you can connect with and really enjoy

I'm Jealous Over My Partners Opposite Sex Friends

I’m Jealous Over My Partners Opposite Sex Friends

In this video I’m going to talk about jealousy over your partner’s platonic friends.
I got an email here from a woman who is having a real difficult time accepting that her boyfriend has 2 very close female friends.

I have done numerous Skype coachings with her since the email so I can go a little off the email. This was her initial email and so I thought it would be helpful to you guys.

I want to get right into the email from Michelle: She says Hi Craig, I’m writing to you because I have a really bad problem. I have a very anxious attachment style. I have experienced some pretty severe abuse growing up. I know that it has a serious effect on me on a daily basis. Thanks to your videos I realize I feel disconnected easily and then I have emotional melt downs.

I started dating a guy a few months ago and he has been great. However, he has two long term female friends. He briefly hooked up with one of them for a few months several years ago. He didn’t tell me at first and so I kind of felt like he was hiding it.

She has tried to be my friend and include me in things. We have done group things with her and her kids. I can’t help that

Obviously when you start dating people already have other people in their lives. They have their own past with both men and women.

One of the things that can be challenging someone is the relationships they have with other people

It can be for a number of reasons: Maybe you are jealous of them spending time with them, the level of intimacy that they share, possibly a romantic past.

I have several ex’s that I am friends with. I would never disrespect their relationship.

The problem is that you are insecure. You have serious attachment wounds and trauma. You have difficulty trusting others.

You are hyper vigilant that your partner is going to leave you.

This is more about feeling like your caregivers, the people who were supposed to meet your needs, not taking care of you than him.

Look at his behavior:

Both he and the 2 female friends are making a real effort to be up front, honest, and supportive with you.

Remember what we fear we attract. You are afraid you are going to lose him to her. You are going to cause that to happen.

You have to focus on what you want. You want to keep reminding yourself that you want a great relationship with this person. Focus and remind yourself what can you do to make your relationship better?

You cant control anyone, if they want to be with that person, they will be. You must love your partner in a way that they feel free.

Now, it sounds like your boyfriend is truly invested in you. He hasn’t dated that girl in years (she is and has been single) so they could have if they wanted.

Is it rational and is it likely to happen?

From him There needs to be transparency and Honesty

If he says or does something that you wouldn’t want him to do, you will lose trust.

Your partner must be the one to police himself. I always found it hilarious on Jerry Springer when they wouldn’t blame the cheating partner… they would blame that other person. That other person doesn’t owe you anything. Your partner does!

Don’t be with someone you don’t trust

Your attitude in relationships should always be: If you want someone else, fine by me.

It comes across as secure and confident. It keeps you from doing things out of anxiety and fear.

I Love You But...

I love you BUT…

So many times when someone breaks up with you you’ll hear the excuse I Love You BUT

So this can be very confusing for us. We hear I love you. Often times we think “So what’s the problem?”

If you love me why are you breaking up with me…

Well because in this case, the I love you is just being prefaced to soften the blow.

The real meaning of that statement is whatever comes AFTER the but….

So if someone has just said that to you, really think about what came after the but to know what’s going on.

I got an email here from John who is 34 years old, just had this happen to him and he’s very confused.

He writes: Hey Craig, first of all I just wanted to thank you for your incredible channel and videos. I had been looking around Youtube through the different experts when I stumbled upon yours. After I watched 3 of your videos I began seeing a pattern. Your videos always stuck with me and really helped me gain insight into my behavior. The other guys I would forget what I watched after just a few minutes. You said you were going to get a Donate button up. Where is it???

I haven’t gotten around to it. But I do plan on taking all the donations and putting it into a college fund for my son. So thank you in advance to all who donate.

So the reason I am contacting you is because my girlfriend of 6 years just broke up with me. We have had our ups and downs. I realize now that I have an anxious attachment style. I was controlling with her. I used to get mad if she would go out with her girlfriends, I would text her all the time, and I would get really upset when she needed space.

I see that how that turned her off and made her feel trapped. But we went out to dinner a few weeks ago (right before I watched your videos) I took her to dinner. She told me “I love you BUT I don’t think you’re the man for me”. You’re a great guy but I see you more as a friend.

Your needy weak behavior turned her off. It destroys the polarity. There is no tension if she is constantly acting like your mommy. You need to be a strong, confident, secure man. You want to be her secure base. She comes to you when she needs you.

What you need to understand is when you hear a BUT the important part is about to come. Nothing before the word BUT really counts.

Here are some examples: We think you’re qualified for the job… BUT... I think you’re great… BUT I’m not ready to be in a relationship right now.

The But negates everything you heard.

So if your partner says I love you BUT, know that she’s just going to give you an excuse.

I can’t keep her words out of my head. She seems so sincere when she said I love you. If she loves me than why wouldn’t she want to work it out? I want to be honest, I cried at dinner. I wouldn’t have been able to admit that to you, but because you have opened up about it in your videos I can say it. Do I still have a chance with this girl? Please help.

Okay let’s start with the good news. Always remember that what a woman says is how she is feeling in that moment and a woman’s feelings change like the clouds move across the sky and their interest level rises and falls like the sea.

You definitely have a chance. You were with this girl for 6 years. What you need to do right now is work on yourself. Do not contact her for any reason. Watch all my videos. Trust me. Start at the first one and go through them all. You have to work on your insecure attachment style.

You will feel like a new man. We have our coaching scheduled so that is going to help you a lot.

I got a second email from a guy who wanted to share his success story with me. He says: Hi Craig, I am super pumped and excited to tell you that your coaching helped.

We did 3 coaching sessions together and my life has completely changed. I found you when my girlfriend had broken up with me and I was devastated. But I did as you said and watched your videos day and night for about 2 months.

I started feeling more and more confident. I bumped into the girl I have had a crush on for 2 years one day and asked her out. She said to me “you seem different” I smiled her at her and said “find out for yourself when I take you out”. She gave me her number and went on an amazing date. I have never felt so confident. We hooked up 3 times already and she has been blowing up my phone.

By the way: My ex saw pictures of me and has texted me 3 times already. I said give me a call in another week. I might be free then. I haven’t decided if I will go out with her or not. I’m going to tell her what she told me: I love you BUT: I’m not sure I want to date you anymore.