Why No Contact Is So Difficult
So I get a lot of questions about the no contact rule. So I thought I would talk about why it’s so hard for us to do.
Every break up is different. Every relationship is different. You both are two unique individuals with your own set of experiences, beliefs, histories. Yet the pain we feel when we lose someone we love or care or care about is universal.
The best thing you can do to feel better during a break up is talk about it. That is how we heal. Just be careful about taking advice from friends and families. They have good intentions, but will give bad advice. I get messages every day from people who say I wish I had found your channel sooner, I wish I had come to you first.
I got an email here from Victoria who says: Hi Craig. Amazing channel. My best friend and I are both going through break ups. We both discovered your channel when we were looking up break up advice online. I honestly thought you were just going to be this cute guy who had nothing but the same stuff as anyone else. After two videos, I was absolutely hooked. Your information on anxiety, attachment styles, and attachment trauma blew us away. You’re really smart. Would it be bad to admit, I’m kind of crushing on you? Lol. I’m looking forward to our Skype coaching.
Anyway, I was hoping you could do a video to talk about why no contact is so incredibly hard. My friend has not been able to do it with her ex and he keeps treating her cold and indifferent. I just started it 8 days ago and I feel like I’m dying inside. Every day feels like an eternity. I cant stop thinking about him.
Craig: Yes break ups are incredibly difficult. I speak from experience. I did not handle them well at all. Which is why I was so determined to figure them out.
I remember when one of my ex’s broke up with me I was absolutely shocked and crushed. Because we had such a great relationship, I only saw a few small signs.
Anyway, I remember I moved out and all I could think about was her. You have these incredibly intrusive pre occupied thoughts. You can’t stop thinking about the person. 3 days later she called to check on me and I wanted to explode.
I was like give us another chance. Please I love you. Vomiting my feelings all over her. The anxiety is just incredibly overwhelming. The pain we experience is absolutely horrible. We literally feel like we are dying inside.
It is like going through withdrawals. Its like an addict giving up a drug. Your brain shows activity in the regions linked with addiction.
I believe it is a survival instinct. Your brain forces you to obsess on finding your loved ones to help you survive and keep your genes alive. Plus if you lose your mate it decreases the chances of you having off spring.
Your brain deprives you of Oxytocin and dopamine. Then it releases stress hormones. Cortisol which suppresses appetite, memory and immune system.
So our body is experiencing chemical reactions.
Those chemicals then start to trigger our mind and our emotions. We begin to feel tremendous amounts of separation anxiety.
The reason why no contact is hard is because human beings are wired to connect to others. Our relationship with others is our primary way of staying safe. Bonding and connecting with loved ones makes you feel safe.
We have this wired into us and its part of us at birth. Infants scream and cry to get their parents to come take care of them. We are afraid of death.
I have another email here from Ed who says: Hi Craig, I am really having a hard time doing no contact. I’m afraid that if I don’t contact my ex soon I’m going to lose her. We had been together for 2 years and she said she is unsure about how she feels about me. I’m only on day 4 and I don’t think I can take this. I know my ex likes to go out on the weekends and I’m afraid she’s going to find someone new. I know there are a few guys that like her and I don’t want to lose her. I was thinking about texting her tomorrow and seeing if I could do something nice for her. I thought that if I can text her before she goes out, she might think about me and not go after anyone else.
Craig: I know how difficult it is. You need to leave her alone and give her some space. In your case I can tell that your anxiety made caused you to be controlling and do things to make her feel trapped.
If you contact her now, when she’s asked for space, she’s only going to feel more trapped.
The problem is more about what is going on within you then it is about losing her. It sounds like you have an attachment trauma.
You did not have a secure relationship with your caregivers. You didn’t feel unconditional love. So you thought you had to do things to please them. Just like you are trying to do things to get this girl. You can’t buy someone’s love like that. It just doesn’t cause attraction.
If you’re keeping your feelings bottled up inside you are only going to feel worse. You have to talk about it.
Now as far as getting her back, what you need to understand is that if you don’t know what the problem was in your relationship, you might do a few things to get their interest up again, but you won’t be ready.
You won’t have healed and grown and done the necessary work to making the relationship last. You broke up because something was wrong with the relationship. In order to fix it, you need to know what the problem is.
I will help you figure out what went wrong and come up with a plan for your unique situation.