We Want What We Can’t Have:
This is a topic I’m going to cover in future videos, but today was a good one I thought would be a good one to introducing it.
People often want what they don’t have. Once you get something and have it, the desire to want it goes away.
If you tell me I can’t, then I want it more. Everyone wants what they can’t have. If you take something away from someone, they want it more
I love your videos. Here is my situation: About 6 months ago I started dating a girl who works at an office I must go to every few weeks for work. Anyway, we dated for about 4 months and I really liked her. I could tell that she was a little stand off compared to other more needy women I have dated in the past. I was trying to not act needy and never over pursued her.
We were not exclusive yet and I did not bring up the "relationship" label and was waiting for her to bring it up before we had the discussion.
Craig: Good job so far. People have two major fears in relationships Fear of Abandonment and Fear of Engulfment (being trapped).
One way to make sure that the woman you’re interested in doesn’t feel trapped/engulfed is to let her be the one to bring up commitment and exclusivity.
I had planned a 3 week vacation to travel for just myself before I ever even met her and it was soon approaching. This was after dating for about 3.5 months. We had sex two nights before I left and a good date.
She dropped me off at the airport and I gave her a hug and a kiss and she told me to not be a stranger. 5 days into my trip I texted her and she was a bit short but responsive.
Craig: Okay, sometimes waiting a long time to message a girl can come off a little cold. I’ve been thinking about the phone for setting dates only and I think the stance can be cut back a little. Especially after 3 months of dating and she dropped you off at the airport. I would have probably called her once you got settled into your hotel. But sometimes you have to go with your gut. I think the major thing is not to contact out of fear or anxiety.
Then she sent me a picture of her and another guy (who I believe was one of her gay friends she never mentioned.) I responded "new friend?" to which she never responded. Since she didn't respond I did not text her once from the rest of my remaining 3 week trip.
Craig: What is that about? That is just bizarre. If it was just a friend why wouldn’t she have replied? Is she texting you a picture of some new guy? Very weird.
I flew home and saw her at her work about 5 days after I got home, we still had not spoken at this time. I text her it was great to see her and asked when we could hang out.
Craig: Why didn’t you ask her in person when you saw her? You had been dating her for 3 months. My gut tells me you were a little too cold with this girl.
She waited two days to respond and brushed me off and said "maybe next week." I told her to let me know when she was free.
About a week later I saw her at work again and she agreed to come to my house a few days later. But right after she agreed and I left, my friend at her office called and told me she was just talking about going on a date that night with her "boyfriend." I called her immediately and she told me "I wouldn't exactly call him my boyfriend. We met at a party and I'm interested in him and want to see where it goes."
Ouch.
I asked her if her feelings were hurt because I didn't call on my vacation. She said "I wouldn't say hurt, just shocked. And no call to ask me to pick you up at the airport either."
Craig: So I think after you kind of disappeared she figured you lost interest.
I told her I didn't want to get in the way of her and the other guy and to call me if she changed her mind or it didn't work out. I was shocked she could have a "boyfriend" so fast since she was such an avoidant personality. It didn't make sense that she would rush into something.
Craig: People that have their needs unmet for a long time are quick to rush into relationships. They don’t have boundaries. They have the urge to rush into relationships quickly.
I went no contact after I told her to let me know if she changed her mind. Two weeks later she sent me a text saying "I just thought of you when people in the office were talking about your next meeting, good luck haha!" I waited an hour and text her back "thanks, I'll need as much help as possible over there. I assume you have a night to come hang out in my neighborhood this week?" She never responded to my text, so I just left it at that.
Craig: Right now her interest is lower. But that can change.
It's been one month since the text and just two days ago I saw her at the office for 3 minutes and kept it light hearted. She was friendly and we were laughing and she touched my arm twice but am not sure if she was just trying to be nice because she has to see me at work and I have a small position of power at their office. Obviously I want it to be because was feeling attracted to me but I feel like that would be having a false sense of hope. I have been doing no contact the entire time and will continue to do it but can't get her off my mind. Each time I see her I have a setback, I remain in no contact but I do have to see her for work every few weeks and avoid it as much as possible.
Craig: The reason you want her back so bad is because you are anxious about her. The minute someone is less interested in us its our human nature to want them more.
What are your thoughts? Based on all I have learned in the past few months I can tell she is dismissive avoidant by things I have only ever noticed by dating her compared to other women I have dated. I have no problems meeting new women but this one is hard to let go of, even though there were many actions I did not like that she did that were signs of the avoidant. (Waiting long times to text back, flirting in front of me, spacing out in conversations, always talking about why it ended with the last 3 guys she dated, etc) I would feel more confident about her trying to reconnect if she was a anxiously attached person but I'm afraid since she can cut people off that I'll never hear from her again to try it again.
Craig: I think you’re only really interested in her because she’s a challenge. It’s clouding your judgement. Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone with an avoidant attachment style?
You didn’t even like her behavior. Flirting with guys in front of you? Spacing out in conversations, always talking about why it ended with the last 3 guys.
She’s doing you a favor. You have made relationships about a challenge. I’m not sure how old you are, but it seems like you’re playing games.
Focus on making it about having a great relationship. With someone that is going to be there for you.
I think if you got her would you really even want her? Find a great girl that you can connect with and really enjoy