Why Closure Is Not Important

Why Closure is Not Important

In this video I’m going to talk with you about why closure is not important. I have 2 emails here to share that can help you understand.

Sometimes after a break up, our mind can go back and forth about things. We can replay things in our mind over and over again. We have intrusive thoughts that consume us.

Because we don’t know how to handle the uncertainty we want to force a resolution. This is unhealthy and unnatural.

The best way to handle it, especially if you want the other persons interest level to go up is to give them time and space.

But for many people, especially those of you who have an anxious or avoidant attachment style, you can’t handle the uncertainty of connection. While you are insecure, you want to force it.

In your mind you are probably unconsciously hoping that you can force commitment.

Maybe you believe you can talk to them about the situation. Discuss your feelings. Buy their love or affection with gifts. None of that works!

In theory it sounds great. In movies it looks great. But it does not work. It causes people to lose interest.

Be strong. Forget closure. Here’s why: A woman’s feelings will change like the clouds in the sky and her interest level will rise and fall like the sea.

It’s like you are trying to lock her interest level into place when it’s low. Leave it alone. No talk or conversation has ever done a man good at getting a woman interested.

Email from Jason: Hey Craig, my girlfriend and I have been on again off again for about 2 months. I haven’t heard from her in about a week. I’m sick of waiting around. I want to call her and talk to her about things. I figure if we talk about things we can get on the same page. I would rather work it out, but I want closure so I can move on.

Everything you just said makes sense logically. None of that will cause a woman to be more attracted to you.

This is why men don’t understand women. Although it sounds like a great idea. Communicate like adults blah blah blah. Nope.

You would be far better off posting a picture of you on facebook with another girl. That will make her interest level skyrocket.

Calling her to talk about things won’t cause attraction. Getting on the same page won’t cause attraction. And trying to get closure won’t cause attraction. All it will do secure the end of that relationship and decrease the chances of it ever getting her back.

If you want her back don’t ever contact her again and start posting pictures of your new active social life immediately.

She’ll notice, she won’t be able to stop thinking about you. She will put herself in your orbit (most likely by contacting you about some confusing reason).

Here’s proof: I have a second email here from Omar: Hey Craig, so I just wanted to give you a follow up and a success story.

When I first contacted you I had been going through a break up. My ex was being cold and distant. My anxiety was very high and I had no idea what to do. Thankfully I found your channel and worked with you. I cannot thank you enough. The other coach I had considered wanted me to write a hand written note. I know now that note would have destroyed all chances. What I really wanted to do was to get closure. I had planned on inviting my ex to talk and just close out that chapter and move on. After being honest with myself, and you being firm with me, I realize I wasn’t really trying to get closure but force her into feeling like I was going to move on when I really didn’t want to.

Instead, after talking with you, I followed your advice. I completely left her alone. I went out a few times with some female friends. You were right. Two days after I posted pictures out with some female friends, she contacted me.

She said she was only calling to let me know her pet hamster Muffin had escaped and it took 3 days to find it. Damn dude, you were right on.

Craig: Do you see how ridiculous the excuses are?

I call it the Indirect Direct Approach. They’re putting their toe in the pool. See how you are going to respond.

I talk about this in my video called Surprise! She Came Back Again.

Omar: I told her I’d love to see her and to bring over a bottle of wine. She did, we hooked up and we are now dating again. Had I gotten closure like I wanted, I would not have gotten an update on her little Muffin.

Craig: Plus you found out about her hamster.

I Can't Stop Obsessing Over My Ex (Attachment Trauma)

I Can’t Stop Obsessing Over My Ex- Attachment Trauma

In this video I’m going to talk about why we have obsessive thoughts about our ex. Then I go into an email, and I even talk about why the break up isn’t as painful for our ex.

If you are going through a break up you may find yourself obsessed with your ex.

A break up can be very traumatic.

Physically you hurt. Your chest feels physical pain. You are anxious and sick to your stomach.

You can’t sleep, you can’t eat. All the physical pains are a reminder of your ex.

You may have relentless, obsessive and intrusive thoughts that you can’t turn off or tune out.

You are consumed with your ex.

I got an email here from Jerry who wants to know why. He is going through a break up and having a really difficult time. He writes, Hi Craig, I just signed up for your Skype coaching package. I’m really looking forward to it. I broke up with my ex 2 months ago and I can’t stop thinking about her. I’ve lost 10 pounds. I keep waking up in the middle of the night.

Why does this happen to us. Why is it worse for some people than others?

Craig: Well a lot of it actually has to do with our own personal history and the attachment we had with our caregivers.

If you had a secure attachment style, you’re going to be more likely to go through the loss quickly. You’ve had love your entire life and so you haven’t had a need. You don’t have a tremendous amount of unmet needs.

The break up for you is more about your long history of unmet needs than it is about that person. I wonder how your feelings about the break up would change if I told you tomorrow you would meet a hotter, sweeter, funnier, richer girl.

Think about that scenario for a moment.

Work with me and you’ll be a lot more likely to find the kind of partner you’re trying to attract.

Jerry: I don’t even think she thinks about me. It makes me feel even worse.

Craig: I have been there. Well, she does think about you. But remember, initially she will probably be relieved. A lot of times there is someone else in the background. Remember, a man doesn’t throw away his only pair of shoes.

So initially they are thinking about their new toy. Until it isn’t what they expected. Remember once you get something that you’ve been wanting, you no longer want it.

So if they had secretly been desiring someone and fantasizing about it. Chances are, that other guy will blow it.

As long as you maintain no contact (which I’m not going to get into in this video)

But here is why they aren’t thinking about you or obsessing over you:

1)     She chose to break up. It wasn’t unexpected for your ex. They had been thinking about it for some time.

2)     They were prepared (and who knows how long they have been)

3)     They had control over the situation. You had no say in the matter.

So, if it gets to the point where they don’t have control or feel like they have control. After they are wondering what YOU are doing. Then it starts to hurt them. They feel separation anxiety. Anxiety is the root of desire.

Our connection and relationships to others is the primary way human beings feel safe.  So when we are going through a break up it feels like when we were a child and lost our caregivers. It feels like we are going to die.

Our attachment to our partner is the way we feel safe as an adult. When we lose that connection in triggers separation anxiety and our attachment traumas.

Each break up brings up past break ups. They’re attached like a string of paperclips.

So when your partner breaks up with you don’t feel safe. Your body releases chemicals (probably the same that you would release as a lost child). The brain is perceiving that you are being deprived and going without love

If you had an attachment trauma in your childhood where you weren’t heard. Ignored, neglected. Abandoned.

It’s like you are a child again. You feel those same feelings again. If a trauma is bad enough you can’t separate the past from the present.

The person, the object of your affection, who you had projected getting all those unmet needs from, is now gone and you feel terrified, alone, unloved.

Because we have not made peace with our history of being ignored or neglected

The brain uses the most recent person.

Warning: I don’t feel safe. I don’t have enough love in my life, I don’t have enough emotional connection

When babies develop a secure attachment bond, they are better able to:

• Develop fulfilling intimate relationships
• Maintain emotional balance
• Feel confident and good about themselves
• Enjoy being with others
• Rebound from disappointment and loss
• Share their feelings and seek support

They are able to do all those things better in adulthood as well.

Are you struggling with your breakup? My workbook series will help you grow, change and re-attract your ex. Just click on the link below

The Reason Couples Argue (Ruptured Connection)

The Reason Couples Argue: Ruptured Connection

In this video I’m going to talk explain the real reason couples argue.

This video is absolutely critical to know how to maintain a healthy relationship.

The primary way that human beings stay safe is in our connection and relationships to others. So when we feel connected, when our partner is present with us, we feel safe.

Once we have a ruptured connection. When we feel disconnected (such as being ignored, not heard, unimportant, abandoned) we feel intense physical and emotional pain. We don’t feel safe.

The reason couples argue is because they feel disconnected from their partner, they get anxious and scared, and we are trying to regain that connection.

You have to know how to have the appropriate dialogue with your partner when this happens.  If you don’t your partner will feel more and more disconnected, start to get anxious, scared, lose emotional self control, turn away, and then have an emotional meltdown.

It is a skill and one of the most challenging things is being able to do it in the present moment.

First I have an email from a girl who is beyond frustrated with her boyfriend. Then I have a few examples to see how to do it.

Hi Craig: Thank you so much for your amazing channel. Your videos have been so helpful. I’ve had my boyfriend watch some of your videos (especially the ones about communication with your partner) he doesn’t get it.

Craig: He does exactly what you say men do. He defends himself. Or if I want to connect with him and share he wants to solve the problem.

This is a huge problem for men.

If you can make this one correction to your relationship things will improve tremendously.

Girl: Here’s a recent argument we had. I came home from work and the house was a mess. He had promised me he would clean it. I was already tired from a stressful day at work. Then I asked him if he had made reservations at a hotel we wanted to stay for a weekend getaway. He said he forgot. I told him we hadn’t done anything fun together in a while. He started listing things we had done 3-4 months ago! Can you please explain to him how I was feeling? I know you’ll be able to figure it out quick.

Craig: Okay. So she’s hurt because you didn’t keep your promise to her. So she was already disappointed by your behavior. Then she was hoping you had gotten the hotel reservations so she had something to look forward to. When you hadn’t, it felt like you don’t care about her. It feels like you don’t care about her.

When a woman is saying we don’t do anything fun anymore, don’t defend yourself. It means suggest that we do something fun!

Here’s an example: I’m going to give you the wrong way and then the right way.

For example: We haven’t been dancing in a while. Honey, you know I don’t like dancing. We just went a few months ago when your friend was in town. Why don’t you go with your girlfriends.

Right way: You want to go dancing? Lets go. Do you want us to go alone or with friends?

Here’s another example:

My sister is not doing well. She has to have more tests run. The doctors don’t know what’s going on.

I’m realy worried. She’s had so many health issues for a long time.

Wrong: Well I told you she needs a new doctor. Those doctors are terrible and aren’t helping. You need to make her go to someone new.

Right: I’m sorry sweetie. You seem really worried this time. She has had so many problems you must be worried that things are getting worse. I can completely understand. When my mom was sick, I kept worrying about if she would ever get better.

Reflect, validate, empathize.

When your partner reaches out to you. Make sure they know you are there for them.

If you don’t, when they become disconnected they will get anxious.

They will lose emotional self control and the ability to regulate their anxiety. They will then do whatever they can think of to reduce that anxiety. Control you, manipulate you, yell at you, blame you. Anything to make you get back into the place where they feel connected to you again.

When your partner becomes anxious and then reaches out to you. They want to be comforted

She really is asking to feel connected to you in the present moment

In order to do that,  you need safe dialogue 

This C.A.P.E is an acronym. It stands for Curiosity, Acceptance, Playfulness and Empathy.

Dating Multiple People Helps Manage Attachment Issues/Trauma

Dating multiple people helps manage attachment issues

In this video I’m going to be talking about the benefits of dating multiple people.

For some of you it will help you relax and reduce anxiety during the dating process. Something that I call Courtship Anxiety.

For those of you who have an attachment issues, such as an attachment trauma it can help you stay a little more calm and relaxed

When we start talking to or dating someone new we have a tendency to project our fantasies and unmet needs onto that new person.

It can be unhealthy because you get hooked into by the delusion that you have created and projected.

This puts a lot of pressure and stress on not only the situation, but the other person and ourselves.

Think about a time you started to talk to someone new. When you think of this person, you start to imagine all these great wonderful things about them.

The less we hear from them and the more time that goes between contact, the more we become anxious and desire them more.

Now, in some ways this is a good thing. When we have a delayed gratification to hearing from them and seeing them, we have a bigger payoff. So when we do see them, the chemicals released in our brain are more intense and we start to like them more.

However, for those of you who have attachment traumas or an insecure attachment style often times obsess over the fantasy of this new person. Because you have been neglected for so long. Whatever your unmet needs are feel

I got an email here from Steve who is going though this exact situation. He writes, Hello hello Craig,

Fantastic channel, love your videos. Incredibly insightful! I have really started to learn some things about myself thanks to your videos. I realized that I have a very insecure attachment style. I never realized how anxious I was until my girlfriend and I broke up several months ago. I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I was really obsessed. Day and night. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I lost weight. My chest hurt, it was awful.

I have become aware that my mother has a very anxious attachment style and her parents were abusive. I am now seeing how it has had a major effect on me in my relationships. I’m often attracted to women who I know are not good for me. I don’t want to get back with my ex, but dating new women for me has been tough. I start to like a girl even before I really know her. I can’t even help it. I tell myself, I don’t know her I have to spend time with her… but my brain starts thinking about us getting married and having kids. Sometimes before the second or third date.

Craig: So I suggest to you considering dating multiple people. Now to what extent you feel comfortable doing so is up to you.

What I’m suggesting is that if you are single, and in the very early stages of dating, at least keeping your options open by talking to several people.

Here’s why: When you have several options. You do not expect that one person to meet all of your unmet needs

It will help keep you from fantasizing and projecting so intensely on one person. Keeps you from getting attached so quickly and projecting

Helps you make sure that this person is right for you. You want to have an abundance mentality. That there are plenty of eligible single people out there looking for the right person.

When you are able to do that, you are with someone because you want to be with them, not NEED to be with them.

Steve: After a date I have a really hard time not over pursuing. After reflecting on my relationships, it seems that the only women that attracted to me are ones that have more anxiety than I do.

So if you were dating multiple people, you wouldn’t have all your hopes and dreams put on this one person. It’s healthier for you to date several people and get to know them. When you date several people you can pick the right person for you objectively and not out of a desperate need.

If you were starving, you would eat anything someone gave you.

But if you ate you would be more selective with your next meal.

During the courtship, as a man, your job is to reach out, extend an invitation

You wait for her to reply. In the meantime, you set up a date with someone else and go out and have a great time.

Keep doing this and take your time getting to know the people you are dating. Make sure they are going to be a good fit for you (they should be doing the same thing)

If one girl does not respond, either move on or wait a week and try again. But you won’t be so stressed when you have other options. You won’t stare at the phone waiting for her to get back to you.

If you make one person the object of your affection. You will begin to project all your hopes and fantasies on this one person.

You are trying to get them to meet all your needs.

You are putting the cart before the horse. The way we connect is by being intimate. Once all the chemicals are released then human beings become attached

You really want to take your time getting to know someone. As soon as you become exclusive, you unconsciously expect that person to meet all your needs.

Because you’ve projected all these lofty expectations on them, you are going to be hurt and disappointed that they can’t live up to all of them.

You Just Might Get Her Back

You Just Might Get Her back!

In today’s video I’m going to go in depth into an email about a guy who has a real shot of getting her back. Now, the reason that his girlfriend lost attraction to him was due to his insecure behavior.

Basically he had been dating a girl for a few months. There was one day where he couldn’t get a hold of her. She told him she couldn’t talk because she was with her family.

He says: essentially when I tried to get hold of her one time she said she couldn’t talk as she was with her family.  But I saw her car outside her house when I was nearby so tripped her up a couple of hours later during a phone call asking her how the drive was to her parents.  She said she rode her bike.  Later she called me out on it at a friends gathering and asked if I had seen her car outside her house.  I said yes.  She said “so you tried to trick me then”. 

Craig: He totally got busted. Of all the questions to try and find out if she was really there I think It was kind of weird to ask her how her ride was to her parents. Why not say how was it?

He admitted he tried to trick her and apologized.

I’m glad you owned up to this. Good job. We all make mistakes. Anxiety causes us to do things like this.

She said that was a red flag because she was always honest with me and therefore couldn’t deal with my insecurity. 

She was right and honest. I appreciate that. You are really insecure.

Him: We didn’t speak for three weeks, then I arranged to meet her alone and she confirmed it was over but wanted to be friends.  I said I wasn’t interested in friendship and suggest she call me if she changed her mind.  She said she wouldn’t.  I walked away and didn’t come unglued.  I have seen her lots of times since then in our shared group of friends.  Sometimes she avoids talking to me, other times she is really friendly.

Craig: She’s probably conflicted. Sometimes she’s attracted to you, sometimes she remembers the insecure and needy behavior. If you continue to display strong confident behavior her attraction level will go up. She will then just justify in her mind what you did, minimize it, or her attraction to you will be high enough to ignore the red flags and go for it.

You want passion and her natural attraction to get her to overlook those things. The way that’s going to happen is by giving her time and space. She needs to wonder about you.

I think you have a really solid chance of getting her back. When she puts herself in your orbit, simply arrange a time to hang out. Invite her over or take her to do something fun. No talking about what happened. No talking about feelings or wanting to work things out. Just have fun with her. Something like an activity where you are doing something. Go Karts or Laser Tag. Something where the focus isn’t on talking about the past.

Hey coach,

I was dating a girl for two months and then she ended it owing to an insecurity i had carried over from a previous relationship i.e. trusting another. 

I agree with this, but it’s not the relationship you are thinking. While Im sure your ex did cause some type of trauma to you and trusting others, I would really explore your early childhood. I think you’ve got some anxiety going on. You are hypervigilant on being anxious that she is going to abandon and leave you. That’s why you went past her house.

In my opinion, you probably have had an attachment trauma (which is probably why you have an anxious attachment style). I can completely understand. It seems to me that when you project all your feelings onto her being the object of your love and meeting all your needs you become overwhelmed with anxiety and fearful that you will lose that.

Now, because she may have an avoidant attachment style, she probably is more distant at times. When you pick up on that, it triggers your anxiety and fear that she is going to leave you. Then comes the obsessive thoughts.

It turned out she was actually telling me the truth about something i challenged her on so i totally screwed up. 

Craig: Are you really certain of that? Maybe your gut was telling you something for a reason?

Him: Anyway we met for a chat about it and she said she still wanted to be friends as she likes spending time with me.  I replied saying being just friends wouldn't work for me and to call me if she changes her mind.  She said she would never change her mind. 

A woman will always say that they aren’t going to change their mind in that moment. If they thought they were going to change their mind, they wouldn’t break up with you in the first place.

Craig: Also, remember, that is true for that moment. So what she is essentially saying is. In this moment, there is nothing you can say or do to change my mind.

Some guys make the mistake of trying to change her mind in that moment. You all of a sudden act like a used car salesman desperately trying to push someone into buying someone. Don’t treat yourself like a used car. Act like you’re a Ferreri. Have the internal attitude that if you don’t want me, plenty of other people will.

So i walked away and didn't plead. Great job!

Him: The difficulty with implementing no contact is that we share the same social circle of friends.  We actually met this way in the first place.  I managed to avoid most of the social events i knew she was attending for about two months after the breakup but I started attending again as i was missing out on fun times with my friends.  Over the last two weeks when the ex and I have interacted at these social gatherings she was very flirty; playing with her hair, making physical contact such as nudges, throwing me flirty looks across the room, and teasing me. 

Craig: All excellent signs!

Him: After one of those occasions I asked her out on a date again but she turned me down saying it would not be a good idea as she is still attracted to me and couldn't trust herself. 

Craig: That means she is still attracted to you, but she isn’t sure she can trust you to have emotional self-control. Remember, women need to feel safe with a man. They can’t feel safe with someone who loses emotional self-control. I would say if you work on your anxiety, and follow my instructions, she will likely come back in time.

Him: She didn't want to get involved again as she doesn't think it'd work out long term.  I said can you not just go with the flow and see how it goes? but she replied saying she is really stubborn and would not change her position on that.  I said ok, if you change your mind let me know. 

Craig: Great job. You always want to act indifferent. You’re awesome if you have her, you’re just as awesome if you don’t.

 Him: A week later we were out again and she was dressed very sexily (almost like it was for me as by now she knew i fancied her still) and again was very flirty; smiling at me a lot, winking, mimicking my movements, playing with her hair and teasing again.  She also sent me a text saying "stop thinking about my ass". 

Craig: Dude this was it! You have to seize this opportunity! You are killing me. Say something playful! Flirt back with her.

Him: So the next day i asked her out again, and again she turned me down.  You waited too long! She puts herself in your orbit and said stop thinking about my ass. That means, I like that you’re thinking about my ass.

Craig: I want to shake you right now. It’s okay, I get it. Next time, jump on it… Literally

Him: She said there is obviously physical attraction there but she still didn't think it would work out.  Now she said she is going to avoid me until she can keep a lid on her attraction for me and not give off the signs.

 Craig: Yeah, in this moment that’s how you feel. Just be cool and relaxed around her. Let her come over to you in social settings. Be friendly, but not TOO friendly. A little mysterious and aloof. You want her to wonder if you still like her. This is critical!!!

 So three questions:

1-     Should i just let her go and see if she contacts me? 

Absolutely. She is attracted to you, and you are going to see her around your friends. When she puts herself in your orbit, it means she’s interested. Until then, be friendly, but let her come

2-     Regarding my group of friends, if i know she is going to be attending more gatherings in the future (I'm not attending the next two she is at), should i avoid them?  the problem is that if i don't go, my social life takes a dive and i miss out and i really value these friends.  But I also understand if she sees me at these occasions, she might not miss me? It a dilemma!

 Go out with your friends as you normally would have planned (regardless if she was going to attend or not). During the next 2 events, if you are in the group text. Simply reply “thanks for the invite but I have plans”. The curiosity of what or who you are doing will make her anxious and want you more.

 3 - We are all in group chat on WhatsApp.  Should i avoid replying to the group messages from now and go quiet so she can start missing me?

Craig: During the next 2 events, if you are in the group text. Simply reply “thanks for the invite but I have plans”. Be a little mysterious in the group chat, but not completely gone. The curiosity of what or who you are doing will make her anxious and want you more.

I think it would be even more powerful than not replying to your friends.

I think you have a really solid chance of hooking back up with this girl. Just be cool and confident and let her come to you.

 Now, more importantly than her is you. I think you have some anxiety going on. That is going to hurt all of your relationships.

 I highly suggest you watch all of my videos with attachment style (anxious/ avoidant) in the title.

Is She Playing Hard To Get?

Is She Playing Hard To Get?

 In today’s video I’m going to talk about playing hard to get.

I’ll get into why people do it and then I’ll give some tips for figuring out if they’re playing hard to get, or just aren’t interested.

 People usually get frustrated and wonder do other people play hard to get? Simple. It works. It works for several reasons.

When someone plays hard to get with you, It causes anxiety. As I explain in other videos, anxiety is the root of desire.So when someone takes a while to respond, it triggers our anxiety, and causes us to desire them more.

 The essence of romance is Uncertainty. I always talk about if I condensed romance into a picture. It’s the He Loves me, He Loves me not.

 We have to balance a fine line. If we come on too strong or appear too eager, they flee and run away like they’re getting out of Shawshank.

Here’s another interesting fact. In Helen Fishers book. She writes: Early acquisition of a reward reduces the duration of intensity of dopamine activity in brain

Delay in winning stimulates. In other words, playing hard to get excites a suitor

So if you were a prize on a game show, playing hard to get would make you go from a Toyota to a Corvette. You become a bigger prize

This is why I talk to you guys about taking your time getting to know someone. This is why I say to take out a girl once a week.

When you come on too strong and too fast, it makes you less valuable. If she saw you as a Corvette at first, now you become the Toyota.

I got an email from who says: Hey Craig, I could really use your help. I get really confused about when a woman plays hard to get. I went out on a date with this girl and we had an amazing time. She came back to my place and things got pretty intense. We didn’t have sex, but did everything else. I really liked her and it was the best date I had in a long time.

I texted her back the next evening around 9 pm and she didn’t reply. I called the next day and she texted back saying she would call me the following day.  I find myself thinking about her more. But I’m not sure if she has just lost all interest in me.

We talked that day and it was a good talk. She said she was a little disappointed that I waited until that next night to hear from her. I told her that I don’t usually text women the following day. She was honest and said she doesn’t like to play games and we had a good talk about it.

I tried to set up plans but she said she might be going out of town. She said she would call me the following day to let me know. She didn’t call so because we had an honest talk with her about playing games I called. She didn’t pick up so I left a message. That was yesterday, I haven’t heard back yet.

Women are emotional creatures. It could be anything. It sounds like she does like you so just be confident and relax.

Maybe she doesn’t want to appear too easy.

She wants to make sure you are really interested in her and not just hooking up. A lot of men will have just want to have sex.

If she makes sure you are really hanging around it shows you really do care about her as a person. If it was just sex, you would probably give up easier.

 A lot of times, women want to make sure you’re really interested before they commit to liking you.

They want to know a man is invested in her. Biologically they have a lot more at risk. If they get pregnant and the guy isn’t attached. She has to raise this child by herself.

Here are some other reasons women play hard to get.

It tests a man to see how he will react. She wants to see how you might handle challenging behavior. Will you get angry? Will you freak out? If so, she knows you are not internally confident and secure and she can weed you out right away.

Think about it from an investment standpoint. If all she has to do is wait an extra day to see what kind of a man you are, wouldn’t it be worth that 24 hours. It could save her 6 months of getting to know you.

 Here are some tips to look for: You want to learn how to read her signals of interest.

 Is there another guy in the picture? Is she me blowing me off or playing hard to get?

If she’s busy but she has an opening? How long are her text messages to you?

If you call and she doesn’t pick up. She may not call back right away but she texts back and explains why she can’t pick up.

Flirts and then pulls away. She talks about other guys to make you jealous. To see if you’re interested.

So you have to understand just because a woman takes her time getting back to you, it doesn’t necessarily mean she doesn’t like you. She might like you a lot and she wants to keep you around.

Don’t worry about all the details or what a woman does – just keep moving things forward with confidence.

Even if her interest level seems a little bit low, lower your interest level, when you guys get in touch, ask her for a date and gauge her interest level.

My Partner's Anxiety Is Driving Me Crazy (Anxious Attachment Style Example)

My Partners Anxiety Is Driving Me Crazy (Anxious Attachment Style example)

In this video I’m going to talk about what it can be like to be in a relationship with someone who has an anxious attachment style.

Now for many of you guys watching, you may have an attachment style and you can gain some clarity and insight into how your behavior is affecting your partner.

I got an email from Adam who says he and his girlfriend keep fighting because she has a high level of anxiety.

Hello Craig, I was hoping you could help me with my girlfriend. I’ve been dating my girlfriend for just under a year now and I’m not sure we are going to last much longer. I’m a pretty patient guy, but I’m really getting exhausted by my girlfriend’s behavior. She is anxious all the time. I had no idea until I watch your video The Real Reason Relationships Fail. That video was incredible. Can you please help me understand her better? I know that her mother was an alcoholic and would often go out drinking, leaving her with her older brother. She was sexually abused by a neighbor numerous times when she was young. She often times can’t remember all the details, but it was pretty bad.

Well, trauma and anxiety affect your memory and it often makes you feel like you’re in a fog. Often times people repress abuse. They can’t handle it so they force it into their unconscious. In extreme cases they dissociate. This is how people have multiple personalities. Their brain can’t handle the pain of the trauma so it splits. The more trauma there is, the more personalities there usually are. Because each personality takes on a small part of the trauma.

Adam: Her behavior is so erratic, I’m overwhelmed and confused.  We argue over small things every day (female friends texting me, me wanting to go out with my guy friends, even me wanting to go to see my parents for a few hours). It’s like every little thing causes her to get angry.

Craig: So first and foremost you have to understand she is terrified. She wasn’t taken care of by her parents. The people who were supposed to keep her safe, didn’t. If a trauma is bad enough, we can’t separate it from the past.

She is absolutely scared to death that you are going to abandon her. She doesn’t feel safe. When her anxiety is triggered she feels scared and alone and she doesn’t know how to soothe herself.

She hasn’t felt loved. She hasn’t felt understood. She’s been repeatedly hurt and had her needs neglected and overlooked. She was traumatized by having to attach to others.  

One of the great things about understanding attachment styles is how helpful it is to understanding others. It’s like having a crystal ball. I can already tell a lot of the behaviors someone will have.

Here are some of the behaviors you can expect from someone who has an anxious attachment disorder.

Inability to listen to you. They are in their own world, because they are focused on trying to sooth their anxiety (which they probably don’t know how to do).

Loud fast paced voice. Nonstop talking (a struggle to have a give and take conversation). They just keep talking and talking and talking.

Hyper vigilant to you leaving them and feeling disconnected. Preoccupied fear of abandonment. Any small sense of disconnection and it triggers their anxiety. If they reach out to you and you don’t respond, they often times have a melt down right away.

Controlling behavior- Trying to control you (leaving the house, talking to friends, going places without them).

Lashing out and getting angry quickly. Becoming irate quickly. Cursing and yelling when they don’t get their way. Emotional melt downs. Arguments can escalate very quickly.

Attaching to someone new relatively quickly (like moving in with someone after only a month).

We are only as needy as our unmet needs. So when someone projects all these powerful intense feelings onto someone they barely know it tells me they have had a lot of unmet needs. There is a good chance they have an attachment injury.

You have to understand that for them, they didn’t feel loved. Didn’t feel listen to. Didn’t feel important. Over time, attaching to others didn’t make them feel good. It hurt. It was traumatic, painful and scary.

If you want to know how traumatic or intense the hurt was to them, look at their behavior. Look at how intense and upset they get in the present, then try to imagine them feeling that pain in their childhood.

The level of intensity of the present behavior and emotions are going to mirror their childhood pain.

You have to have empathy for them. Put yourself in their shoes, which can be incredibly difficult. But look at how they can’t calm themselves down. They can’t sooth themselves.

Now imagine them as a child being upset and no one soothing them. Feeling scared, alone, terrified, unloved.

It’s not easy to get over. It takes time. Even for me as hard as I’ve worked on myself. I still have a difficult time grasping how much pain and trauma I faced when I was growing up.

As an adult I look back and say, how could it have been so ignored. But I know that it was. My memory of my childhood is very foggy. I think I repressed things and kind of hid in my room and played with my toys to survive.

I never wanted to eat. I was very very controlling about what I would eat. It’s because I felt like I had very little control over my life. But I could control what I ate (even if they would yell at me or try to force me I would out wait them until they gave up).

I remember crying to my mom and saying to my step father you’re mean to me. All the time. I was 28 at the time… Just kidding. I was little.

One of my best friends really helped see how bad it was for me when he shared stories. He said he remembered one day my step father had me and him diving for rocks in the pool. He said he would give us a quarter for each one we picked up.

When we were done and added them all up he said my step father had given him the money, but not me. He felt so bad he left the money when he went home and asked his mom. Why is Don so mean to Craig? It was so powerful that my friend remembers that from 30 years ago.

So in a way, I give to you guys the kindness I wished I had gotten.

I wished I had been listened to. That’s part of why I became a therapist. To give you guys what I wished I had gotten.

Here’s a powerful example. I had a pet rabbit, and I had a cage in the room. My mom and step father told me they were going to put his cage outside that day to give him fresh air. Maybe it stunk, I don’t remember. But I begged them not to do it. I was crying and screaming and balling. Don’t put him outside, he’s going to die. He’s going to get too hot out there. They said, it will be fine. We will put water out there and leave her in the shade. This went on for a long time before they brought me to school.

I worried about her all day. All I could think about was she okay. As soon as I got home I ran to check on her. She had died.

I can still feel that moment. I can still feel that pain, that hurt. They didn’t listen to me. That is how I felt all the time. And do you know what happens when someone doesn’t feel heard by someone for a long time.

They get angry. How are you supposed to relate with someone who doesn’t hear you.

Now, as an adult and a psychotherapist I can understand that my mother’s high level of anxiety made it hard to hear anything past her own anxiety. She was in her own survival mode. So I have to consider that and look at things more objectively as an adult.

But just to help give you guys insight. What type of women do you think I’m unconsciously attracted to? Women who don’t hear me. Women who don’t validate me. Women who I am overly sensitive to their needs while ignore my own. I have to consciously focus on what I want in order to attract it.

I'll Never Get Her Back

I’ll Never Get Her Back

So for this video I’m going to be talking about when you believe you’ll never get the woman that you love back.

This is a really important video for you guys who are frustrated and don’t believe it can happen

I got 2 emails from guys who are dealing with break ups

The first email is from Murray who says, Hey Craig, I just came across your channel yesterday after my girlfriend dumped me last week. She told me she didn’t want to be in a relationship. She said she wasn’t happy. I asked her if she wanted to talk about it and she said “not really”. We had been dating for almost 9 months.

I know there has been some pressure on her from her family. They want her to focus on school and think I’m too much of a distraction. I left her alone for a few days but then I kept trying to convince her to give me another chance.

I’ve watched a ton of videos on break ups and it all felt like fluff. I researched all of the guys and not one of them had any type of degree in psychology. Most of them didn’t even look like they made it out of high school.

I have been where you are and felt like had no one that knew how I could get my ex back. I would spend hours online and came across guys who kind of seemed like they might know what they’re doing. I’d look at their products, everything felt sleazy to me, and I wouldn’t purchase anything.

That’s why I come on here and give you everything for free. If you want, you can watch all my videos and do things on your own.

The real value is having someone there for you. The way the brain works is that talking about things helps you heal. That’s why therapy is effective. But if you talk with friends and family, there’s a extremely good chance, they’ll give you bad advice.

I have some people do coaching with me weekly. I’ve even had some people do it more than once a week.

When I went through one of my break ups, I went to therapy twice a week. I needed it.

I’ve had attachment trauma growing up. I’ve had attachment injuries. My mom had tremendous amounts of anxiety and my mom had an avoidant attachment style.

I can’t guarantee you that she will want you back. I can’t make someone love you or care about you. They have to be attached.

I had 2 extremely painful break ups in my life. Those were what prompted me to me being where I’m at today.

I can tell you that the first one, I completely screwed it up.

I didn’t know what to look for, I didn’t know what to do. I wound up crying like a baby in a restaurant.

It completely destroyed her attraction to me. You guys can laugh. It’s funny. It’s embarrassing. But if it hadn’t happened maybe I wouldn’t be here helping you.

The second girl, after I figured things out, I actually got back with.

Let me tell you everyone that I knew, said we would never get back together. I literally thought there was a zero percent chance of it happening. Zero.

She had even started dating another guy.

As a coach I can tell you that there is no magic about this. Some of you want me to wave a magic wand and just make your ex come back. You may even watch a few videos and get her back… And then lose her because you didn’t really fix the problem.

The guys who get my help personally, through emails and especially Skype coaching are going to by far have the best results.

You may feel helpless and hopeless.

One of my favorite success stories is a guy I worked with. When I first started, he couldn’t even say hi to people. He was depressed and made no eye contact. Not even with his family. He spent all his time in his room playing video games. After working with me, he had 5 women ask him out on Valentines Day.

I know things feel hopeless right now. Because in this moment she doesn’t want to be with you. But that’s in this moment. Remember, feelings change like the clouds in the sky and a womans interest will rise and fall like the sea.

You have to change your belief that you will never get her back and replace it by saying she will want me back in time. I talk about that a lot in my video Focusing On What You Want.

In most cases, I believe an ex will revisit the idea of getting back together with you.

But you have to know exactly what kind of behaviors are going to turn her off or re attract her. I can help coach you into having the most attractive behaviors.

Attachment Trauma And Longing For Your Ex

Attachment Trauma and Longing For Your Ex

In this video I’m going to talk about attachment, and how trauma to the bond with our caregivers, affects our romantic relationships, and has a huge impact on how break ups affect us.

So, you’re going to learn why you may be having obsessive thoughts and longing towards your ex. I’m going to talk about some of the factors about why break ups affect everyone differently. Then I’m going to get into an email from someone who is obsessed with their ex.

Break ups are unique to everyone. There are so many different factors that affect how someone feels during a break up.

Were you the one who ended the relationship? Were you the one who got broken up with? How long did you date? How attached to the other person were you? How strong was your desire to be with them? What is your own attachment style.

Those are just some of the factors that affect how someone feels during a break up.Some people have an incredibly difficult time moving on from a break up. They obsess over trying to get their ex back.

For them, break ups are extremely painful. Remember, break ups literally cause you physical pain. They get tremendous amounts of anxiety (which is separation anxiety) and they become depressed because they lost the object of their love.

As Freud said "We are never so defenseless against suffering as when we love, never so helplessly unhappy when we have lost our loved object or its love".

So what does this all this have to do with wanting our ex back and obsessing and longing for our ex? Well it has to do with our attachment to others.

Our body is wired to attach and connect to others. It is for survival. It is the main strategy for survival from our species. We attach to our caregivers and unconsciously know that without them, it means death. Children cannot take care of themselves so we literally would die without an adult caregiver.

When we separate from our parents it feels like death. When we separate from our romantic partner it feels like death.

Now here is what is so important to understand. All of this information is to give you a real understanding of why break ups are so painful. You have to know about how attaching affects us to know how the detaching affects us.

We form attachments to our caregivers. We can form a healthy secure attachment or we have something go wrong.

We don’t get the love, affection, and attention that we need.  Over time we form an anxious attachment style and constantly fearing abandonment.

Or we can distrust that our parents will take care of us and we decide we are not going to trust them and take care of ourselves and form an avoidant attachment style.

The abandonment, neglect, hurt, and pain can be traumatic. The more intense and painful the trauma is, the more symptoms you will have.

I believe that the people who have a very difficult time with a break up have had attachment injuries in their childhood.

It could be a major event, like a parent abandoning you or a death that caused the loss.

Or it could have been their experiences with their caregivers that caused them this pain. Years of being ignored, abandoned, neglected.

People who have had that happen tend to have major abandonment issues and form an anxious or avoidant attachment style.

If a trauma is bad enough, our brain can’t separate the past from the present.

Think about it. If you had a trauma about an attachment with your caregivers. You are going to feel that same intense pain with your romantic partners.

The interesting thing is that there are tons of similarities between the relationship between our parents and our romantic partners.

I talk about attraction. I’ve explained how the relationships with our parents kind of create a blueprint for love. That we are attracted to people who are similar to our caregivers. We are attracted to romantic partners that are similar parents negative traits. They hurt us in a certain way.

Perhaps its because we are trying to correct it in adulthood. Perhaps we are just drawn to it on an unconscious level. Nobody really knows the answer to that.

I got an email here from Brian that says: Hey Craig: I wanted to say that your videos and your channel have been incredibly helpful. I have already learned a ton from you and am looking forward to our Skype coaching. Thanks to your video’s I know that I have an anxious attachment style. My father left our home when I was about 2 and he moved out of state. My mom was always stressed out and upset (bills, taking care of us, my older brother has issues). Here’s what’s been going on with me. My ex and I broke up about 2 months ago and I can’t stop thinking about her. I feel absolutely obsessed and I don’t know what to do to stop. I’m depressed and anxious all the time. I get sick to my stomach all the time and am constantly having diarrhea.

Disconnection hurts- You want to be conscious that when you lose the connection, which is the main source for safety and comfort, you lose the ability to regulate your emotions.  It causes intense grief and physical pain.

That separation anxiety is causing you to have the obtrusive thoughts. They are intrusive to the point where it’s all you can think about. It’s overwhelming and exhausting.

I believe for many people it’s because the break up triggers an Attachment injury from their childhood. Longing, obsessive and habituated thoughts.

Replaying events over and over again. Replaying memories  repeatedly. But our memories are distorted. It’s not a video, the intense emotions and reality distortions of how you were feeling and remembering slightly different each time causes more and more distortion over time.

I can remember during my break ups, bargaining was absolutely ruthless for me. I couldn’t stop bargaining in my mind. Over and over and over again. If I had done this differently. If she had only done this or made that effort. If we could have just done that. I would replay the days leading up to the break up over and over. If I had only confronted her in this way. I couldn’t stop.

Now what I’m about to tell you is key to understanding why you can’t stop obsessing over your ex.

The degree to which you are feeling the intensity of the longing for your ex, mirrors the degree to which you were hurt by your caregivers in your childhood.

Unseen, misunderstood. Ignored, abandoned.Not known in my family.

Intensity of those feelings of separation is the attachment injury. It’s the unresolved childhood grief coming out in the current life scenario.

The trauma from the past, the abandonment, is presenting itself in the present is projected onto the current loss.

It’s because you want to feel comforted.

One way to relieve your anxiety is remind yourself that there is a good chance your ex will revisit the idea of working things out. And even if she started dating someone else, there is an excellent chance that relationship will fail. This will calm your anxiety, clear that fog and help you to think more clearly.

By leaving your ex alone- completely, if they were attached to you, they will begin to wonder about you and think about you. It will cause them to have separation anxiety. Anxiety is the root of desire.

Courtship Anxiety (Anxiety During The Early Stages Of Dating)

Courtship Anxiety

In this video I’m going to be talking about something I call Courtship Anxiety

It’s a term that I’ve created that focuses on the very early stages of dating. 

I define Courtship Anxiety as worry and fear about the potential attachment with a new romantic partner.

When we find someone new that we are interested in romantically. It is very common to create a fantasy in our mind of who this person is and how they’ll meet our unmet needs.

We think about how amazing they are. How funny they are. How they’ll always be there for us.

Its almost like we are projecting our unmet needs onto a new person. I consider it a projection of Hope (Jungian term)

When we start to date someone new oftentimes we are anxious about the outcome. Now this happens to both men and women. But in some ways there are differences.

For example: men get courtship anxiety over asking for a phone number, making the first text, asking the girl out, worrying about what to talk about on the date, going for the kiss.

Women get courtship anxiety about: worrying if he will text you, find you attractive or find someone else more attractive. Worrying if he is just using you for sex. Being anxious if he will call you again. 

I think both men and women tend to have more courtship anxiety after a date. Because now you both have become more invested emotionally.

We fear become anxious that those unmet needs will stay unmet.

We start to make a connection but don’t know if it will pan out. There is no bond with them yet.

It’s the time and space between contact that causes the attraction to grow.

Anxiety is the beginning of desire. It’s the root of desire. So if you start dating someone and they take their time to contact you, it causes your anxiety to grow.

You start to wonder if they are no longer interested or found someone else.

Now if the man comes on too strong. He chases her away. If he tells a woman his feelings, there is no anxiety. It’s like being told what you’re getting for Christmas on November 1st.

This is the chase. The most exciting part of a relationship. Guys, being a challenge is part of what hooks a woman. Contact the woman when you want to set a date. Don’t spend all day texting her thinking it’s going to create attraction it doesn’t.

I got an email here from Orville. Orville? Orville it is: who says: Hey Craig, my brother and I are huge fans of your channel. We wanted to thank you for the daily videos, we can tell you put a lot of time and effort in them. I recently took a girl out on a date. I made a few mistakes, but I kind of got a kiss goodnight. It wasn’t a great kiss, but it was something.

Craig: What does that mean? She didn’t run away screaming? You’re still learning so good job going for the kiss.

Orville: I texted her the next day that I had a great time. I knew it was the wrong thing to do, but I was feeling anxious and wanted to hear from her. She wrote back “thanks”.

Well Orville it doesn’t sound like your date was poppin. Yeah, that joke was corny. Just kidding… It was aMAIZing. I love that you guys are all EARS (okay I admit, those were terrible, but I like to have fun)

Orville: I knew that I had to do something, so I asked her if she wanted to go to a movie.

Craig: Oh Orville you did have to do something but it was the exact opposite of what you did. You needed to give her time and space to wonder about you, think about you and let her feelings develop for you.

Most men make the mistake of contacting a woman 20 times a day when they’re anxious. This is why you don’t want to start vomiting your feelings. You take away the chase and you’re playing dead.

Side note: Don’t invite women to the movies. You can’t get to know her during a movie. Movies are a terrible idea for a date.

You want to contact her to set a date. Not chasing her when you’re anxious.

You want to be a secure base. Just like a child who returns to their parent when they feel disconnected. The father lets the daughter come to him when she needs. Focus on what your mission and doing what you need to do. Let her contact you when she wants to talk with you.

Women feel security through connecting and communicating. As she starts to develop feelings for you, she will reach out to you more and more.

Communication is constantly changing and so to experience certainty they need constant feedback.

Each time you simply set the next date. Go out, have fun, hook up.

Women test you during the courtship because they want to see how you handle uncertainty. They’re testing to see how confident and secure you are.

If you stay the same strong, confident guy under pressure she feels more certainty. The tougher the challenges you’re able to withstand and be strong, the more certainty she will feel.

The stronger her attraction will be to you.