Courtship Anxiety
In this video I’m going to be talking about something I call Courtship Anxiety
It’s a term that I’ve created that focuses on the very early stages of dating.
I define Courtship Anxiety as worry and fear about the potential attachment with a new romantic partner.
When we find someone new that we are interested in romantically. It is very common to create a fantasy in our mind of who this person is and how they’ll meet our unmet needs.
We think about how amazing they are. How funny they are. How they’ll always be there for us.
Its almost like we are projecting our unmet needs onto a new person. I consider it a projection of Hope (Jungian term)
When we start to date someone new oftentimes we are anxious about the outcome. Now this happens to both men and women. But in some ways there are differences.
For example: men get courtship anxiety over asking for a phone number, making the first text, asking the girl out, worrying about what to talk about on the date, going for the kiss.
Women get courtship anxiety about: worrying if he will text you, find you attractive or find someone else more attractive. Worrying if he is just using you for sex. Being anxious if he will call you again.
I think both men and women tend to have more courtship anxiety after a date. Because now you both have become more invested emotionally.
We fear become anxious that those unmet needs will stay unmet.
We start to make a connection but don’t know if it will pan out. There is no bond with them yet.
It’s the time and space between contact that causes the attraction to grow.
Anxiety is the beginning of desire. It’s the root of desire. So if you start dating someone and they take their time to contact you, it causes your anxiety to grow.
You start to wonder if they are no longer interested or found someone else.
Now if the man comes on too strong. He chases her away. If he tells a woman his feelings, there is no anxiety. It’s like being told what you’re getting for Christmas on November 1st.
This is the chase. The most exciting part of a relationship. Guys, being a challenge is part of what hooks a woman. Contact the woman when you want to set a date. Don’t spend all day texting her thinking it’s going to create attraction it doesn’t.
I got an email here from Orville. Orville? Orville it is: who says: Hey Craig, my brother and I are huge fans of your channel. We wanted to thank you for the daily videos, we can tell you put a lot of time and effort in them. I recently took a girl out on a date. I made a few mistakes, but I kind of got a kiss goodnight. It wasn’t a great kiss, but it was something.
Craig: What does that mean? She didn’t run away screaming? You’re still learning so good job going for the kiss.
Orville: I texted her the next day that I had a great time. I knew it was the wrong thing to do, but I was feeling anxious and wanted to hear from her. She wrote back “thanks”.
Well Orville it doesn’t sound like your date was poppin. Yeah, that joke was corny. Just kidding… It was aMAIZing. I love that you guys are all EARS (okay I admit, those were terrible, but I like to have fun)
Orville: I knew that I had to do something, so I asked her if she wanted to go to a movie.
Craig: Oh Orville you did have to do something but it was the exact opposite of what you did. You needed to give her time and space to wonder about you, think about you and let her feelings develop for you.
Most men make the mistake of contacting a woman 20 times a day when they’re anxious. This is why you don’t want to start vomiting your feelings. You take away the chase and you’re playing dead.
Side note: Don’t invite women to the movies. You can’t get to know her during a movie. Movies are a terrible idea for a date.
You want to contact her to set a date. Not chasing her when you’re anxious.
You want to be a secure base. Just like a child who returns to their parent when they feel disconnected. The father lets the daughter come to him when she needs. Focus on what your mission and doing what you need to do. Let her contact you when she wants to talk with you.
Women feel security through connecting and communicating. As she starts to develop feelings for you, she will reach out to you more and more.
Communication is constantly changing and so to experience certainty they need constant feedback.
Each time you simply set the next date. Go out, have fun, hook up.
Women test you during the courtship because they want to see how you handle uncertainty. They’re testing to see how confident and secure you are.
If you stay the same strong, confident guy under pressure she feels more certainty. The tougher the challenges you’re able to withstand and be strong, the more certainty she will feel.
The stronger her attraction will be to you.