When There's Drama, Look For Trauma

When There’s Drama Look For Trauma

Todays email was from a 30 year old woman who punched her boyfriend in the face after she saw him flirting with some other women.

I’m pretty sure it’s the longest email I’ve ever gotten so I did have to trim some of it out. I had to read this email about 5 times as it was really long and overwhelming.

Now, I didn’t mention this in my reply email to her, as it was something that I thought of as I was writing this out.

I have a saying that a lot of times helps me see things clearly: It goes when there’s drama, look for trauma.

Anytime I hear about something that seems outrageous or a behavior or response that’s out of proportion, it’s a signal to me that there may be trauma involved.

Before into I get into the email I just want to share some symptoms of trauma.

Poor memory problems (like their memory is in a fog), Difficulty concentrating, shutting down feelings, panic attacks, irrational behavior, difficulty regulating emotions, self injurious behaviors, hyperarousal to abandonment, excessive temper, demanding emotions, unable to trust others, separation anxiety, anxious or avoidant.

Can this person modulate affect?

When I hear of those symptoms, I know that theres a good chance there is a trauma involved somewhere. Remember, if a trauma is bad enough, the brain can’t separate the past from the present.

And until a trauma is talked about, nothing changes. Time doesn’t touch it. It floats in a timeless realm.

Kind of like the villains of Superman 2.

30 year old woman who has an Very anxious attachment style. I like to call her Rocky

Hi Craig so It was bad. Things were amazing until one day at a beer festival I got black out drunk (which magnifies my anxious behavior a hundred fold) I got jealous thinking he was flirting with some girls he was playing a game with. I don't remember anything, but apparently I walked up to him and punched him right in the face.

I screamed and caused a huge public scene in front of some of his friends as well. He took me to a friend's house and dropped me off and told me we were done. This was just last weekend. I actually hadn't had an episode of feeling jealous or insecure with him before this. And though I do often get angry when drunk, I've never been violent. It was like the alcohol caused me to have a PTSD flashback to my ex and I lost all control.

Craig: We’ll call her boyfriend Apollo.

Okay, so I have to point out the obvious first. Hitting someone in the face is grounds for a break up. So if he wants to break up with you over that, understandable.

It sounds like something triggered a flashback. I don’t know what kind of childhood you had, but it did not sound pleasant. Since you mentioned having a high level of anxiety, it sounds like you may have had some abuse or neglect going on. I would guess at least separation anxiety from abandonment issues. If trauma is bad enough we can’t separate it from the past and it feels like it’s currently going on.

I think there is a lot more going on than just you punching him. It seems to me that maybe he was flirting with other girls and you knew it. You got pissed and you attacked him. You are putting all the blame on yourself about the incident, but my gut tells me that maybe he was flirting with the other girls during that game. You are quick to discredit yourself because you were so drunk, I’m not so sure this was entirely your fault. What if he was flirting with other girls? Obviously it’s not okay to attack him, but that would trigger your separation anxiety.

Rocky: I was still currently very drunk at the time, though my memory was kicking back in, and tried to beg his forgiveness once we were in the car. I then punched myself in the face in an attempt to show him how sorry I was. (seemed rational at the time) and when that didn't work I threatened suicide. All things I would never do sober.

Craig: Now this is a conversation I would like to have seen. She wakes up from her black out and sees his shiner, what happened? Who hit you? I’ll kill them! Who did this to you?

Apollo: You did.

Rocky: Baby, I love you so much I’m gunna kick my own ass.

Craig: Sometimes ya just got to laugh at this stuff.

Rocky: We moved in together after only a month, but it just felt so right. We have so much in common it's like we were made for each other. Until this happened, of course. Now everything has changed.

Craig: They moved in together after a month. What can go wrong?

She says: This week has been strange. He was very angry with me the day after (understandably so) and I cried and begged forgiveness and swore to never touch alcohol again (which I fully mean. I will not ever allow myself to be violent again). He said I could continue to live here until I made new arrangements, then left and went and did all the things from our list of date plans without me. And told everyone he knows about what happened. He told me they were talking about what I psycho I am. 

Okay, I think it was decent of him to say you can stay there until she makes arrangements. Even if all his friends think you are a psycho, why is he telling you that. He’s throwing that in your face.

He is twisting conversations they’ve had in the past around.

Monday and Tuesday they hung out. Wednesday he freaked out when he texted her but she didn’t receive some of them. He called her in a panic when he thought she had blocked him. But as soon as he saw she hadn’t he stopped talking to her.

It’s ironic that when he thought you had blocked him he can call you in a panic (when he has separation anxiety) but when you have it, you’re “crazy”. If that makes you mad, it should! It’s okay for him to have separation anxiety and act irrational, but not for you. Sounds fair (I’m being sarcastic).

Rocky: He told me it was up to me, but I could come home if I wanted and said, though he didn't want to get back together, he'd give things time to see if I've changed (ei no anxious behavior. Waaay harder than I thought it would be.). Thinking everything was ok, I did come home on Thursday. I wish I hadn't.

When we're home together he's texting people constantly, which he didn't do nearly as much before. The first couple days I suppressed my anxiety about it. Assuming that he's just eating up all the attention he's getting. Though I did break down crying several times because it hurts to see how much happier his friends seem to make him. With me, even though he's being nice, he's still very cold and serious. When I try to talk about my feelings, he just says 'I don't know what to tell you.' Then he's right back on his phone.

Craig: He’s giving her mixed messages. Its setting her separation anxiety off. You can’t stay in this position. Not knowing one way or another is going to drive you crazy.

Rocky: On Saturday he stayed out late with friends. He didn’t tell her where he was. He said his phone fell between the seats. He came home at midnight and when she tried to say that she has feelings he said

"Well I'm still a person with feelings and the polite thing to do would have been to let me know!" Said in tears and anger. "Why?! We aren't together anymore. I don't have to tell you anything! You're making a huge deal out of nothing and being crazy!" We fought like this for awhile until I apologized and we went to bed in our now separate rooms.

Craig: More abusive behavior. He is minimizing her feelings and discrediting her by calling her crazy. His behavior is worse than hers.

I don’t like this guy. He is giving her mixed messages and he is cruel.

She went to apologize in the morning and as soon as she went in there to talk the phone goes off. 2 women text him. He says They’re friends. I’ve known them forever.

This dude is up to no good. If you want to say he’s single. That’s true, but stop with the conflicting messages. You’re in or your out. Don’t keep toying with someone’s emotions. It’s wrong. And he freaked out and lost self-control when he thought she cut her off.

He just kept saying "Not if you keep acting like this! If things get better, there may be hope. But not right now, not if you don't stop being crazy." So I calmed down and apologized once again. But now I'm more anxious about his phone than ever before. And he's been on it all day. He hides it on his chest when I walk by.

Come on. This dude wants the best of best worlds. He is keeping Rocky hanging on the ropes meanwhile he’s talking to like 5 different women.

He had a girl invite him out to a concert. But hes not interested ONLY because he has plans with one of his buddies.

She tries to talk to him about things with him. After I calmed down I calmly told him that seeing him on his phone so much makes me worry. He just shrugged and walked away.

This guy knows he has her in the palm of her hands and he is exploiting her. I don’t like him.

Rocky: I don't know what to do. I'm going to look at a room for rent tomorrow and told him that. Again, no reaction. I'm stuck feeling like a prisoner to my pain. He tells his dogs how much he loves them and how lucky he is right in front of me. Makes me feel awful. The DOGS are more deserving of love than I am. 

It sounds like he deliberately is trying to hurt you by telling the dogs how much he loves them in front of you. I’m not sure if there’s anything to this but you said the dogs are more deserving of love than you are. Has someone ever said or done anything like this before to make you feel this way? I’m guessing someone has.

Rocky:It seems that the requirements for my forgiveness are to act like a Stepford wife and just keep a big smile on my face while he knowingly does things that hurt my feelings. He seems to be enjoying my pain, but then what about the times he's nice?

Could be Borderline? Possibly Narcissitic?

Rocky: What I did was really terrible though, so maybe this is normal considering the circumstances? Is this punishment reasonable? Should I be tolerating this?

Craig: No. There’s something about this guy that feels off to me. I don’t like him. Now, I think you would be challenging in a relationship because you have a lot of anxiety. But this guys, I feel like he’s got a

Rocky: I just want things to go back to the way they were. It hurts that he doesn't care about my feelings anymore, but do I even deserve that? And if it IS reasonable for him to be acting this way, how do I control my anxiety about his phone and what he's doing in his now private life?

It would be perfectly reasonable for him to break up with you over this. What I don’t like is the mixed messages. Either talk it over and work it out or end it.

Rocky: Is it better to just be done and see if he goes into his own separation anxiety? I want him to understand that I'm hurting, but anytime I try to explain my emotions he says I'm attacking him. He thinks I'm crazy now, and I'm starting to worry the same. Am I being selfish?

Should I be swallowing my pain and just letting him do whatever makes him feel better? I feel lost and confused. I really want to fix things because it was REALLY good before. I feel like if I leave right after we've had a bad day like today then that's what he'll remember.

But maybe if I can keep my cool for a while and get him feeling better like he was earlier this week and THEN leave, just maybe he'll miss me. Or maybe the phone thing is a legit reason to leave for real. I don't know if I'm being paranoid anymore or not. Please help!

Craig: He has you questioning reality. And for good reason. After going through this email again I picked up a bunch more things that I didn’t the first time. Here are some of the manipulative behaviors that I picked up.

Gaslighting – that didn’t happen. You imagined it. they distort reality and erode your sense of reality. They get

Deliberately misrepresenting your thoughts and feelings to the point of absurdity. She had made the comment that the dog needs to be trained, that they shouldn’t get rid of it because it’s a good dog.

But he twisted it around to make it seem like she said We should get rid of the dog because you said it’s awful.

Name Calling- calling her psycho, crazy, spouse beater,

Smear campaigns- slandering you to all their friends and family.

My gut tells me you grew up with some abuse or neglect. It sounds like you’ve had trauma in your past and it hasn’t been dealt with. It is going to keep coming up until you really talk about it. For that, I would really encourage you to find a therapist who is experienced with trauma. I also think you need someone who has a good understanding of attachment theory as they can help you with your anxiety).

I would say alcohol is not your friend. You may have some real issues going on with that. It seems to me like drinking is only going to trigger all the trauma and anxiety that you have. You’re an adult, you have to make decisions for yourself. What are the benefits and risks of you drinking? Only you can decide that, but it played a major part in potentially ruining this relationship. If it has had any impact on your other relationships, than you need to take a real look at it.

A lot of your anxiety over this has nothing to do with him. You have to learn to calm yourself and sooth your own anxiety. My guess is that you have not learned to do that.

If it was me, here’s what I would do. I have rethought my original email to you. I don’t like this guy and I would move on. I would work on yourself. Watch every single one of my videos. Find yourself a therapist and work though your issues.

Now, if you decide you want him back here is the way I would do it. I would very seriously look for a room to rent. Find one that you like and be prepared to move there. Then say, listen I want to work things out but I understand if you don’t. Tell him your plans and see how he acts. If he talks to you like an adult and wants to really work things out, then consider it.

Don’t beg. Don’t plead. Come to him like an equal and act like an adult. If he says he does not, tell him Okay, I understand. Make arrangements to move out. When you do, simply tell him to contact you if he changes his mind. Then don’t contact him anymore.

If he is attached to you and starts to miss you, he will contact you. If that happens, then tell him you want to take things slow. If he does have an avoidant attachment style, he may not be attached to you enough to do so.

You are going to be okay. You survived for 29 years before him. You are an adult now. You can take care of yourself. It’s okay if someone walks out of your life (even though it hurts). You aren’t a little girl anymore. Remember, you are now an adult and you’re going to be okay!

How To Be Her Superman

Be Her Superman

I got an email here from Ernie. Hey Craig, I’ve been watching your videos and I have to say, excellent job. I get a little overwhelmed trying to learn everything. I really liked How To Make Your Partner Feel Loved and The Real Reason Relationships Fail. I was wondering if you could do another video on things to make relationships healthier. I want to be the man of my woman’s dream.

I think most guys want to be a woman’s hero. They want to be the guy to save her.

So I found a way for every guy to wear a cape for their woman. It’s not your typical cape. Like Frank Costanza’s lawyer wears.

This C.A.P.E is an acronym. It stands for Curiosity, Acceptance, Playfulness and Empathy.

Guys making relationships work is not easy. I hear a lot of people complain, a relationship shouldn’t be this much work. And I say, yes they are avoidant attachment types.

They’re the ones that say relationships take the most work. And for them it’s probably true. Because they have to learn so many more skills and abilities that they’ve never done before. So for them, it is work.

But this is a simple little way to remind yourself of some of the very core things that can make your relationship go well. Remember negativity is one of the worst things to have in a relationship.

Often times we are so unconscious of how negative we are. Think of what negativity means.

Negation. Any thing you do to another person that makes them less than you.

You do it all the time and you’re not even aware of it.

So what can you do to put on your C.A.P.E

Curiosity- active interest in your partner. What they like, what their experience is like, what their past is like. Ask them what their dreams are. Ask them about their childhood. Be genuinely curious about them.

People always ask me what to talk about on dates. Be curious about them! It goes a long way!

Acceptance- unconditionally accept who they are. Often times we try to change people because we don’t accept their otherness. We are afraid to accept who they are because we are afraid it will invalidate who we are. That it somehow makes us less. We are both equal. Even when we disagree.

Playfulness- Love should be playful and fun. A lot of times when we aren’t playful it’s because we haven’t had our needs met. If you were neglected in some area as a child we often tend to be depressed about it. The more you can play, the healthier your condition. The healthier the relationship.

Empathy- Understanding the other person’s world. What they are experiencing. Putting yourself in their shoes.

When your woman comes home from work and tells you about her problems with her boss, she doesn’t want you to fix her problem, she wants you to listen. She wants you to be present with her.

When Empathy is gone humanity is gone. We are now in a transactional world. We transact to get our needs met. We transact to our advantage which is based on our absorption. If they don’t want what I want they’re wrong. They’re in the wrong place. Losing empathy, other people become objects

You become an object to me, you’re no longer a person. I can then treat you anyway I want to treat you to get you to respond to my self-absorbed needs. Yell at you, scream at you, ignore you, deprive you, you’re not a person.

Finding Your Passion Can Improve Your Love Life

How Finding Your Passion Improves Your Love Life

One of the best things you can do for yourself in your life is find your passion. Find something that you absolutely love doing doing.

We all have our own desires and interests in life. Most people have that burning passion for something.

You know that thing that you love doing more than anything? That you can spend hours at a time doing it and completely lose track of time? That’s your passion.

If you can somehow find something that you absolutely love doing and make it into your career. Do it.

My passion is coaching you guys. Putting out as much information for you guys to have amazing relationships.

We only have one life and you don’t want to be at the end of yours thinking about regrets.

But having a passion can also have a huge impact on relationships. Because someone who is passionate about something is attractive.

Women hate apathy. They hate a man who spends his life sitting on the couch, isn’t inspired by his job or career, is unmotivated. It’s a turn off.

They would much rather have a man aligned with his purpose and put that purpose first. Sometimes she may even test you to see how much your purpose is important to you.

She wants to see if you will be weak and cave in, or if you will set a strong but caring boundary that lets her know you love her, and you’ll find time for her, but you must focus on your mission.

This is a little off topic but still relevant. If you’ve ever had a woman try to change who you are, they are testing you. They want to know that you value your opinion of yourself first.

Confidence is putting your opinion of yourself above anyone’s opinion of you.

It can be changing your style of clothes. Getting you to stop doing a hobby or interest. Compromising on the things that are valuable and important to you. When you do, they see you as weak and submissive.

I made the mistake of trying to please too much in at least one of my relationships. When my woman complained about certain things I thought it was right to compromise. I thought that’s that she wanted!

What that actually did is cause her to lose respect for me.

Women want to feel your strength. If they can easily sway you from your purpose, it disappoints them. They get angry. You aren’t as strong as she thought you were. Instead of her feeling that confidence and opening up even more because she feels safe. She feels less attracted to you because now that strong confident man looks weaker.

I talk a lot about more about confidence in my videos Confidence is Key and How to Be The Mountain

I got 2 emails from women who are frustrated by their man’s apathy. I’m sharing these so you guys see how it feels from a woman’s perspective and can hopefully get you to reevaluate your own behavior and how you’re coming across to women.

Amy writes: Good afternoon Craig, I have been feeling very frustrated with the man I have been dating. He is not like some of the other men I have dated and I don’t mean that in a good way. He is lazy and uninspiring.

Ouch. Lazy and uninspiring?

Amy: He comes home from work, sits on the couch and watches television for hours. I swear he does this every night. Even on the weekends I try to get him to go out with me and do things. He says he is tired or not in the mood. I’m so frustrated. No matter how many times I tell him lets go do something fun, he says not today. I’m not used to being with someone who was this unmotivated and it’s a real turn off.

Women love a guy who has a desire, a purpose. When a woman sees a man who has ambition. Guys if you have no passion or interest, it doesn’t give off a spark. She is losing interest in this man fast.

I got another email here from Shelia who is having a very similar issue. She says. Hey Craig, I’m having a difficult problem with my boyfriend. He’sreal lazy ass. He doesn’t do anything around the house. He doesn’t clean or help cook. I’ve asked him to help me do some projects in the home. It took him 4 months to paint the house. He would start projects and then leave them for weeks at a time. He’d only get back to the project if I told him over and over again.

I can’t help but look at him and be disgusted. He put on weight, he doesn’t take care of himself. He just doesn’t care about anything. I don’t even want him to touch me. My sex drive for him is dead.

You would be surprised how often I have women tell me things like this.

Women hate to tell men how to be a man. They want a man to know how to be a man.

Unfortunately, a lot of men these days are raised without their father in their life, without good male role models. So we don’t have men to teach us to be men.

That’s one of the main reason I put these videos out every day. To help you guys.

So I know the ladies that are writing me are not going to like what I’m going to have to say. Women hate to tell men how to act like a man. They hate it. It is a major turn off for them.

However, ladies you are going to have to tell your man how you’re feeling. If you have a man who you think needs a wake up call show them this video.

I recommend a book called The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida.

You have to let your man know that his apathy and lack of passion is completely killing your desire for him.

Trouble Moving On From A Break Up

Trouble Moving On

Sometimes break ups can be incredibly painful. We can have a very difficult time forgetting about the person who broke up with us and moving on.

I have an email from a guy who is having a very difficult time doing just that.

Hey Craig, I really need your help and I don’t know who to turn to. My ex and I have been broken up for just under a year. We have a little girl.  Sometimes she likes to spend time with us as a family, and I thought that doing that would cause her to think about how nice it would be if we could be together. I recently found out she is dating other people. I still have feelings for her. To be honest, part of me still loves her and wishes we could work it out. I think she gives me mixed messages. Sometimes she wants me and sometimes she doesn’t.

I’ve been watching your videos and I see that she has an avoidant attachment style. She has good things about her, but they bad tend to outweigh the good. I tend to completely overlook how she is distant she would be. She doesn’t even like physical touch. She is often very critical and self-absorbed. I’m not sure why I still love her as she has done many things to hurt me.

I watched your video We Are Attracted To The Familiar and I see that she is just like my mother and father. My mother is anxious attachment style and my father is avoidant. My mother is unable to hear me and meet my needs like yours was because of her anxiety. Thank you so much for helping me see that. I have spent my entire life not feeling listened to and now I know it’s because my mothers anxiety made it difficult to hear what I need.

I have a really strong attraction to my ex and I know it is because she is so much like my parents.  I think that is why I have such a difficult time moving on. I look forward to hearing what you have to say and to our skype coaching we set up.

Craig: So first thing I want to say is that I’m sorry you’re going through this. I know how painful break ups can be.

You mention that your ex is just like your mother and father. This is huge reason as to why you don’t want to move on. For you, your mind believes you have found the love that you need. Because it feels exactly like the love you felt from your parents. It feels so familiar, like how you believe love is supposed to feel, even though your parents didn’t make you feel good!

When we grow up in a family that does not know how to treat each other well. If we have caregivers that aren’t attentive, don’t validate us, connect with us, we tend to distort reality. We do it because living with reality is actually too painful. We say, oh I have a great relationship with my parents, even though you may be angry at them all the time.

When you don’t deal with that in your adulthood. You continue to date people who treat you the way your parents did. It’s called the repetition compulsion. You reenact things over and over again in an effort to understand it. It’s like Charlie Brown and Lucy. Every time he believes she will allow him to kick the ball.

Now, as far as your ex. People with an avoidant attachment style tend to be angry and can get pretty nasty. Why? Because they haven’t had their needs met. Their parents continually disappointed them. They probably experienced a lot of sadness, disappointment, anger, neglect.

When you grow up in that type of environment day in and day out for years, it really has a huge impact on someone. The problem is we are wired to connect to others. So they are always in a very difficult internal struggle. Not trusting people but wanting to be close to others.

You are going to have to make a choice. Do you want to continue going after this woman, who you know has an avoidant attachment style and will likely continue to mistreat you, or do you want to find someone who will treat you better.

I know you are hoping that she will change, or you can change her. I have to be honest. People with an avoidant attachment style really struggle to change. Believe me, I’ve looked everywhere and the findings and they are discouraging. They have to want it and work hard to change it. But they certainly aren’t going to do it for you. Because they’re simply not that attached to you to begin with.

Now, let me share something that can be extremely difficult to see during a break up. Break ups aren’t necessarily a bad thing. Try to have the mindset that everything happens for a reason AND that this is going to make you stronger.

You can find a lot of good things coming out of a break up. If it wasn’t for my break ups I wouldn’t be where I’m at, and despite how much I suffered, I love where I am right now.

I used my break ups to fuel me to becoming the best version of me and I continue to work on myself every day. Have that attitude and focus on becoming the best version of you that you can. You’ll either re attract your ex or find someone even better. Your ex may even coming running back and realize you are the best thing she’s ever had and was a fool for losing you.

Do This When She Backs Away

Do This When She Backs Away

There are times in our relationships when the person we are dating is less interested in us. This video can help you prepare for it by understanding why it happens and what to do when it does.

There are going to be times when someone you are dating is more distant, more disconnected, less present, and less attentive.

There are a lot of reasons as to why: They could be feeling smothered. Maybe they are having doubts about us. Maybe they are stressed about work or their health. Sometimes it has nothing to do with you.

When she backs away our natural instinct is to reach for them and cling to them.
 

I am going to give you the correct reason as to why men chase when the woman backs away. The real reason has to do with our instinct of separation anxiety. We are hard wired from birth to connect with others a survival strategy.

We have it from when we are infants.

If we lose our parents, we die. So we learn to scream and cry and throw tantrums to get them to protect us and stay close to us.

So when someone backs away from us it kicks in our hard wired separation anxiety.                                                                                                                   You have to ease your anxiety. One way you can do that is by reminding yourself that you are an adult now, and that if you needed to, you can take care of yourself.

I have 2 emails to get into. The first one is from Tyler who says: Hey coach, so I just started following your work about 3 weeks ago. I found your channel when I googled what do women want? Just to remind you I did my first email about a week ago and it helped A LOT. I have to say, my God the information on your channel is by far the most helpful. I used to follow other coaches, but half the time they just make up statistics and give out information that they make up as facts. Your channel is fantastic! The first time I saw your video, The Real Reason Relationships Fail, it was like my eyes were opened about things for the first time.

I wanted to make a quick recommendation of my top 5 videos by you. I really hope you share them. We Can’t Stop Arguing. We Create Our Own Value, How To Make Your Partner Feel Loved, You’ve Changed, and The Struggle of Intimacy.

So here is my question. I got this girls number at a party. At first she was texting me back right away. We went on a few dates and on the third date we hooked up. She was calling me and texting me daily. We started hooking up almost every day for about 2 weeks. I noticed she seemed distant from me for about 3 days I didn’t hear from her. On the 4th day I texted her. She didn’t reply. I texted her the next day. She didn’t reply. I called her the day after and left a message, no reply.

Craig: If you reach out to her and she doesn’t respond. Then do not continue to reach out to her.

If she backs away, you back away. It’s like her value in you has dropped. If you continue to reach out for her and she doesn’t reply, your value will drop in her eyes.

Tyler: I started to worry if everything was okay and then I saw she had posted a picture of her with a girlfriend on social media. I lost it, I texted her 3 times. She said, I needed some time for myself because things were going so fast, but now I’m not so sure about us anymore.

Craig: You have to Expect a woman’s interest level to drop. Sometimes someone’s interest level in you is going to drop.

When that happens, don’t lose emotional self control when you get separation anxiety. If she cuts you off, wait until you hear from her. If her messages are brief it means her interest has dropped

The second one is a success story from Dusty. Hi Craig, I am super pumped right now. Reason is, your videos helped me get with the girl I have had a crush on all summer. I had gone on 2 dates with her and tried to set up a third date. She tried to do a maybe date so I did your idea of the takeaway.

I told her to get in touch with me when she knows for sure. I didn’t hear from her for 2 weeks. But, I went out on a date and posted a pic. I don’t know if she saw it, but the next day she texted me and told me some days she was free.

I thought about your advice so I waited until the next day to respond. I figured, she took 2 weeks to get back to me.

Craig: Your inaction causes them to feel attraction for you. Because, like I said anxiety is the root of desire.

When a person has you chasing them, they lose anxiety, cause they know they have you, so they lose the desire.

When she contacts you, after you haven’t contacted them. Simply arrange the next time to get together.

Don’t pursue anyone who doesn’t want you. When their interest drops, you drop yours.

You want to be just as confident and secure, no matter how much her interest level drops. If her interest level drops from an 8 to a 3 just relax. You have to stay confident no matter what. That’s what she’s feeling in that moment.

Feelings change like the clouds in the sky and her interest level will rise and fall like the sea.

She will come back when she is ready. When she doesn’t hear from you, she will get anxious and start to desire you.

If she is still attached she will contact you.

Do This When She Backs Away

Do This When She Backs Away

There are times in our relationships when the person we are dating is less interested in us. This video can help you prepare for it by understanding why it happens and what to do when it does.

There are going to be times when someone you are dating is more distant, more disconnected, less present, and less attentive.

There are a lot of reasons as to why: They could be feeling smothered. Maybe they are having doubts about us. Maybe they are stressed about work or their health. Sometimes it has nothing to do with you.

When she backs away our natural instinct is to reach for them and cling to them.
 

I am going to give you the correct reason as to why men chase when the woman backs away. The real reason has to do with our instinct of separation anxiety. We are hard wired from birth to connect with others a survival strategy.

We have it from when we are infants.

If we lose our parents, we die. So we learn to scream and cry and throw tantrums to get them to protect us and stay close to us.

So when someone backs away from us it kicks in our hard wired separation anxiety.                                                                                                                   

You have to ease your anxiety. One way you can do that is by reminding yourself that you are an adult now, and that if you needed to, you can take care of yourself.

I have 2 emails to get into. The first one is from Tyler who says: Hey coach, so I just started following your work about 3 weeks ago. I found your channel when I googled what do women want? Just to remind you I did my first email about a week ago and it helped A LOT. I have to say, my God the information on your channel is by far the most helpful. I used to follow other coaches, but half the time they just make up statistics and give out information that they make up as facts. Your channel is fantastic! The first time I saw your video, The Real Reason Relationships Fail, it was like my eyes were opened about things for the first time.

Tyler: I wanted to make a quick recommendation of my top 5 videos by you. I really hope you share them. We Can’t Stop Arguing. We Create Our Own Value, How To Make Your Partner Feel Loved, You’ve Changed, and The Struggle of Intimacy.

So here is my question. I got this girls number at a party. At first she was texting me back right away. We went on a few dates and on the third date we hooked up. She was calling me and texting me daily. We started hooking up almost every day for about 2 weeks. I noticed she seemed distant from me for about 3 days I didn’t hear from her. On the 4th day I texted her. She didn’t reply. I texted her the next day. She didn’t reply. I called her the day after and left a message, no reply.

Craig: If you reach out to her and she doesn’t respond. Then do not continue to reach out to her.

If she backs away, you back away.It’s like her value in you has dropped. If you continue to reach out for her and she doesn’t reply, your value will drop in her eyes.

I started to worry if everything was okay and then I saw she had posted a picture of her with a girlfriend on social media. I lost it, I texted her 3 times. She said, I needed some time for myself because things were going so fast, but now I’m not so sure about us anymore.

You have to Expect a woman’s interest level to drop. Sometimes someone’s interest level in you is going to drop.

When that happens, don’t lose emotional self control when you get separation anxiety

If she cuts you off, wait until you hear from her.If her messages are brief it means her interest has dropped

The second one is a success story from Dusty. Hi Craig, I am super pumped right now. Reason is, your videos helped me get with the girl I have had a crush on all summer. I had gone on 2 dates with her and tried to set up a third date. She tried to do a maybe date so I did your idea of the takeaway.

I told her to get in touch with me when she knows for sure. I didn’t hear from her for 2 weeks. But, I went out on a date and posted a pic. I don’t know if she saw it, but the next day she texted me and told me some days she was free.

I thought about your advice so I waited until the next day to respond. I figured, she took 2 weeks to get back to me.

Craig: Your inaction causes them to feel attraction for you. Because anxiety is the root of desire. When a person has you chasing them, they lose anxiety so they lose the desire.

When she contacts you simply arrange the next time to get together. Don’t pursue anyone who doesn’t want you. When their interest drops, you drop yours.

You want to be just as confident and secure, no matter how much her interest level drops.  When she doesn’t hear from you, she will get anxious and start to desire you. If she is still attached she will contact you.

Will My Ex Forget About Me During No Contact?

Will My Ex Forget You During No Contact

If you’ve ever seen any of my videos you know that I tell you guys that if someone breaks up with you, you move on and don’t contact them for any reason.

I go into a lot of detail about that in my video How To Make Your Ex Miss You.

One common fear people have is that if they stop contacting their ex, they will just forget about them.

One of the things that I make clear to you guys is that if someone breaks up with you, you simply tell them it isn’t what you want, and to have them call you if they change their mind.

Now some of you guys get anxious and worry to yourself well when my ex broke up with me and I didn’t tell her to contact me if she changes her mind, so should I contact her and tell her that.

Yes, I want you to contact her and say: Hey I just wanted to contact you to let you know I won’t be contacting you anymore. But call me if you change your mind.

No, I’m just kidding guys.

If that’s not how the break up happened that’s fine. Believe me, if your ex misses you, they WILL contact you.

So I got an email from Sean: Hi Craig, I have to say your I love your channel and videos, I can’t wait for you to get your book done.

Thanks Sean, the book is a lot of work, but I will get it done eventually. Hang tight, I’m always working on my videos and so you always get new content.

Sean: I signed up for a skype coaching and I’m really excited about it. I already filled out the questions, it only took me about 5 minutes.

Craig: So for those of you who have never done an emergency email or Skype coaching for me. To make sure I give you the most in depth information, I have some general questions that I ask once you purchase one of the options.

Now the questions are optional, but they honestly give you a much more detailed and accurate assessment.

I would consider it a very brief intake form.  That way you can give me information leading up to your email question.

I also send out similar questions for you guys to give me answers to going into our Skype. I review the info before the session so we have more time to get real answers and make the best use of our time together.

Sean:  I needed to ask you this question right away because I’m really stressed. I’m really scared that my ex is going to forget about me if I just move on with my life. Are you really sure that stop contacting her is the best strategy. I feel like if I can talk with her or meet her out for lunch we can work it out.

So Sean has a LOT of anxiety.

So lets start by dealing with his anxiety. Anxiety causes people to lose emotional self control. It puts you in a fearful state where you are not thinking clearly. When we do something in an anxious state it is usually because we are self absorbed and are only trying to soothe ourselves.

We are 1 and I am the one.

In this case Sean is trying to soothe his anxiety over losing his ex. So he is now using his ex as an object to soothe himself. He has lost complete empathy for what she wants or what she needs.

She wants to be single. She wants space from him.

He can’t see that. All he can see is what she wants. He doesn’t know what to do to soothe himself. He wants to make himself feel better.

Guys. This is why I’m here! You need someone to talk to. You need an expert who understands exactly how to help you.

I’m constantly having guys do part of what I say, then get anxious and do the exact opposite. Be PROACTIVE. Come to me before you make things worse.

The more mistakes you make, the longer and harder it is going to be to fix things.

So Sean, will your ex forget about you? No.

Now if she was never attached to you to begin with, she may never come back. If she loved you, or has kids with you, or was ever married to you, lived with you. She is probably still attached.

BUT, she has to feel the separation anxiety of losing you. Anxiety leads to the beginning of desire.

When she sees that you’ve moved on. That you are happy without her. That you are never going to contact her again. It will trigger HER anxiety and make HER miss YOU.

How To Be Her Mountain

Be The Mountain

In today’s video I’m going to be talking about how to be the mountain.

You know that huge guy in Game of Thrones?  That’s who I’m talking about.  I want you to be him. Of course I’m kidding.

It’s a metaphor for being a woman strength. Her rock. Her mountain. It’s a huge part of being a strong, confident, alpha male.

One of the most critical aspects of having a great relationship is safety in a relationship. If you want a great relationship, both you and your partner need to feel safe with each other.

That’s why any negativity, such as criticism, excluding, and blaming. Any negativity in a relationship will lead to feeling disconnected from our partner. Then we feel hurt, our separation anxiety is triggered, and we lose emotional self control.

I got an email here from Benny who said: Hey Craig, I’m having a really difficult time when it comes to my temper. When my girlfriend says something is bothering her, I try to fix the situation. I get so mad because she then gets angry at me and says I’m not listening. At that point, I lose it. I get so mad, I start screaming and yelling. I’ve gotten to the point where I have thrown things, and broken a few things in the home. I know I have a problem, what do I do.

Okay: So Benny, you’re obviously frustrated with the situation because things are not going the way you want them to. So it sounds like you think by acting that way, throwing a tantrum, you’re going to force that person to give you what you want. How’s that working for you? Probably not good if you want a good marriage.

In order for a woman to trust you and feel safe (remember safety is one of the most important aspects of a relationship) you must stay calm, relaxed, playful and confident with a woman.

When you lose emotional self control, like you admit to doing, the feelings of safety are gone. She will no longer trust your masculine core. She will then begin to test you more and more. It’s her way of trying to make you grow.

For example: When your woman’s interest level drops… And it inevitably always does in the course of a relationship. A confident secure man does not freak out. No tantrums, no crying, no screaming.

You stay calm and relaxed.

If your girlfriend has a different opinion about something than you. Just tell her I’m not listening! I’m not listening! Of course I’m kidding!

For example, if she says, Honey I really think you should do this differently about your job. Some guys will feel pressure, get angry and upset. They lose their temper. You want to be calm and relaxed.

If a girl says you’re really skinny. Make a joke about it. If she says your fat, make a joke about it.

Self deprecating humor is a great way to show how strong you are emotionally. It’s like saying, hey I know I’m not perfect, but I’m still awesome.

A fence is only as strong as it’s weakest link. A woman will keep going back to the weak link over and over and over again. Until it’s fixed. And then, she’s going to go back to it over and over and over again. To make sure it’s still strong. 

She Said She's Done (Will We Break Up)?

She Said I’m Done

In today’s video I’m going to talk about a break up with a very common phrase that women say… I’m Done.

Hi Craig, I’ve been watching your videos for a few weeks now and I’m really impressed. My girlfriend and I have been on again and off again for about a week. I knew things were going wrong with us so I was hoping you could help me.

My girlfriend said she was tired of the way I act with her. She said I’m to demanding. Yesterday we were arguing again and she said “I’m done”. She is really angry at me and I don’t think I’ve ever seen her so angry. Is there any hope that I can get her back I want to make things right.

Nope. You are toast my friend.

Okay, so when a woman is mad at you, it’s not the worst thing in the world.

A lot of guys are taken back to their childhood when they make a woman angry.  They are reminded of their mother and how she would act when she was angry.  This can cause serious separation anxiety.  When you are a little you all are dependent on your parents.  So getting then angry and causing them to separate from you can mean death.

Cell as we get older, we do not incorporate a new belief system about getting a low and angry.  It is because we have had a role belief that system so ingrained in us.

I would suggest to you looking at a new belief system

While you do not want your woman to become angry at you, it does not mean the relationship is over.

I believe up bigger indicator that relationship is done, and that a woman is truly done with you is when she is completely indifferent.  If you see that woman is indifferent, it may indicate that she simply doesn’t care.  If one doesn’t care about you or isn’t attached to you, there is little that you can do at that point.

I once had a girl tell me she hated she was sole angry at me.  But I really hadn’t done anything to make are upset.  I just wasn’t going along with her demanding ways and let myself like Iran my own life.

The old me would have thought that was the end of the world, but because I already knew all of the things that I do, I said to myself she still cares about me she still loves me.

One last important point I would like to make is that when a woman says I’m done. That is how she is feeling in that moment. It can easily change a few hours, days or weeks later.

What's A Love Language?

What is a Love Language?

So in the video Grow Together or Grow Apart I talked a little bit about love languages.

After that video I had several people ask me to do a video explaining love languages a bit.

So the reason I’m doing this video is I’m always looking for different ways to giving you guys insight into having healthy relationships. I know a lot of you guys come to me about wanting to get back an ex, just remember, even if you get them back if you don’t make long lasting changes you’re going to lose them again.

Most of us have very few tools in fixing relationships. If the only tool you have is a hammer, everything looks like a screw.

Of course I’m kidding. Everything looks like a nail.

Learning about love languages is another tool in your tool box.

I got an email here from Benny who says Hey Craig, the other day you mentioned love languages.  I’m still kind of confused as to what it is. It sounded pretty interesting to me can you talk a little more about them? It kind of got my mind thinking because when I give my girlfriend gifts she doesn’t seem to appreciate them. The girl I dated before her loved it when I got her gifts. Does this have to do with their love language.

Well without knowing too much information other than that I would say probably.

A love language is a term from a book called the 5 Love languages.

The term love language can be a little confusing.

Basically it means, it’s a certain way that you experience love. Here are the 5: Gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and physical touch.

So lets say for me quality time is important. That is my love language. That’s how I feel loved. When someone spends quality time doing something fun with me, that makes me feel loved.

Now the interesting thing, is that people tend to give out the gift that they want to receive. Remember when you were a kid and you got a birthday gift for your friend. You would pick out the thing that you would hope to get right?

So, the thing that you give your partner, is probably the thing you wish you would get from her.

But the thing that they get is often not what they wanted. For example, let’s say you and your partner were little kids. You might give her a Transformer but she wanted My Little Pony.

Or she might give you a Barbie, when you wanted G I Joe. See how you wouldn’t be happy with the gift.

Over time, you would just feel more and more disappointed by what they’re giving you.

So I found a chart of the 5 Love Languages with a list of things of how to communicate, actions to take and things to avoid.

Physical Touch- Use body language and touch to express love.

Actions to take- Hug, hold hands, show physical affection, regularly, massages, make physical intimacy a thoughtful priority.

Things to avoid- physical neglect, long stems without intimacy, receiving affection coldly.

Giving Gifts- Thoughtfulness, make your spouse a priority, speak purposefuly.

Actions to take- Give thoughtful gifts and gestures. Small things matter in a big way. Express gratitude when receiving a gift.

Things to avoid- forgetting special occasions. Unenthusiastically giving gifts

Quality Time- Uninterrupted and focused conversations. One on one time is critical

Actions to take- Create special moments together. Do small things together. Weekend getaways

Things to avoid- Distractions when spending time together. Long stints without one on one time.

Acts of service- use words like I’ll help. They want to know you’re partnered with them.

Actions to take- Do chores together. Go out of their way to alleviate the daily workload. Do small things like take out the trash, mow the lawn.

Things to avoid- Make the requests of others a priority. Lack of following through on tasks.

Words of Affirmation- Encourage, affirm, appreciate, empathize, listen attentively.

Actions to take- Send an unexpected, note, text or card. Encourage them genuinely and often.

Things to avoid- Nonconstructive criticism, not recognizing or appreciating effort.