Today we're going to be talking about: I think about breaking no contact every day. Oh dear. How difficult? Yeah. You know, it is difficult, you know, a lot of times when you're going through a breakup, you go online, you have no idea what no contact is. You come across all kinds of coaches with all kinds of ideas on what to do, how to get an ex back. Some give absolutely horrific advice, that are borderline stalkish behaviors. They almost have you stalking your ex, right? Others, have you ignoring your ex, but when we talk about no contact, we don't want you to ignore an ex. We don't want you to ignore them for a certain amount of days. We simply want you to stop reaching out, to allow them the time to process things, to deal with it and to miss you.
Craig (01:48):
Because quite honestly, if they were frustrated or upset with you or unhappy with the way things were going, you know, they get into an emotional state, but having time away from you oftentimes gives them enough of a space to think, "you know what, those things do bother me. But overall, I really do love this person. " Yes. So I got a quick email today and we're going to talk about this. They said, "hi, coach Craig and coach Margaret. I hear quite a few of the coaches talking about no contact. Some say to do it, some say not to do it. It's confusing. I wish I had found your channel first because I trust you to the most. No contact is so hard because I think about my ex every day, the first thing I do every morning is check to see if he texted, I feel addicted to the phone because I'm constantly looking to see if he's texted or posted on Instagram. I'm unsure about no-contact. I wonder if it's a mistake. I wonder if my ex will think I don't care. I wonder if they will move on", Okay. So in a situation like this, we don't know the details of your situation.
Margaret (03:29):
Do we know how long?
Craig (03:30):
No, this is the whole email there. So we don't really know how long it was. All we know is that they ended the relationship. And for many of you guys that if your ex has ended the relationship, we really do think that you have to leave him alone. Right? Okay. And what you do in that time is important. The changes that you make in that time are important because if they were unhappy with the way things were, then there are things that you want to go back and look at and fix, right?
Craig (04:08):
And being in no-contact gives you an opportunity to work on that. Take a look at the relationship, what areas you struggled, they struggled what you can do to make it better and how to handle things when they come back for you. You know, we talk a lot about attachment and the different types of attachment styles. You know, everybody struggles with their own attachment issues. You know, you might be secure, but most people have insecure attachment styles where you tend to be more anxious about the relationship and getting abandoned, or you feel smothered and trapped by the relationship. But it doesn't matter if you're anxious or avoidant. People still miss you after a breakup. And I get a lot of people wondering my ex was avoidant. They're not going to miss me. Will you talk about dismissive avoidance not missing you, Margaret?
Margaret (05:12):
That's the, well, that's the dilemma of the avoidant. They too are wired to want connection. That's why they were in the relationship. Chances are they ended it because they felt smothered. But that doesn't mean they're not going to miss you and being avoidant doesn't mean you don't get attached, even though it scares you, you do get attached. So even an avoidant is going to miss you. So don't despair if your partner was avoidant, but I know as the days and weeks go by, people get more and more anxious that they've moved on or they've forgotten about them. That's a big one right there, but you have to understand that it's a process. And we live in a world of instant. Okay. And emotional processes. Take some time. I had somebody say to me today, well, it's been 30 days. 30 days is not a long enough time to really process anything. You can make a good beginning, but sometimes we're talking months here.
Craig (06:13):
Yeah. It's so normal to think about reaching out and coming up with all kinds of reasons to reach out. And it's overwhelming because the intrusive thoughts just don't stop. Right. And it's exhausting. You, you literally are looking for any kind of connection to reach out to them. So I would say most of you will struggle with, you know, no contact or reaching out for a long period of time until you eventually get to a place where you're like, "you know what? I'm not going to reach out. They can reach out to me when they want to talk to me". And you're focusing on yourself, you're doing those workbooks. If you have them 20 to 30 minutes every day, that's why I did workbooks. So you can focus on improving those skills, working through attachment issues, getting a local therapist.
Margaret (07:12):
Right? Exactly. That's one of the things we recommend and I'll always ask people, what did your partner tell you when they broke up with you? What did they tell you that the problems were? Some people are honest and other people will say I'm not attracted to you anymore and I need space, which really doesn't tell you anything. Yeah. That's so true because in any real relationship, you're more attracted at some times than others, etcetera. So those really don't tell you very much. It's nice to know what it is you need to work.
Craig (07:44):
Yeah. Yeah. But if you're sitting there struggling and every day you're thinking about reaching out and, you know, contacting them, you know, we wouldn't recommend it. In general. Of course, there might be something specific to your situation that, you know, it would be okay to reach out. But for the most part, we're saying, let them come to you.
Margaret (08:10):
And give them time to miss you. No matter how angry they might've been or no matter how cold they are. And we hear that often cause people have to have to get called to do the deed of breaking up. It doesn't mean they're forgetting you.
Craig (08:26):
Yeah. That's big. It doesn't mean you're there forgetting you at all because people don't forget people they're attached to. No, they don't. They don't, they really don't. Even if it's years, they'll still remember you. That doesn't mean they're going to come back necessarily or the one, another chance to work it out. But they're not going to forget, you know? Right. Even the dismissive avoidance, Margaret,
Margaret (08:47):
Even the dismissive avoidance, we're all wired the same way. Remember the avoidant has been horribly disappointed in an early relationship and you may have helped them reconcile. Some of that. You've got to give it time. Yeah. You have to. Which is the worst news on earth for you. We understand that.
Craig (09:11):
I know it's. Yeah. I've been there where it's like, literally every second of the day feels like an eternity. You just feel like you're in a fog and all you want to do is contact them. But if you do, it is a risk.
Margaret (09:25):
The other thing is even if your partner wasn't able to give you real reasons for the breakup and maybe the ones that they thought would be easier for you to hear, think about what you fought about. And that will probably give you a good idea as to what they were upset about.
Craig (09:41):
Yeah. Yeah. That's a good point. Yeah. And I would say one of the big things is that you might be in a situation where your ex was saying they needed something from you or they wanted you to change something about yourself and you didn't do it. And now you're like, I'm willing to do it. I'm going to do whatever you need me to do. I'll be happy to do those things now. Well, they probably got to a point where they don't think you're going to change and telling them that is not going to make them want you more. You have to show them. You have to truly do the work that when you're in front of them again, you don't go back to those old mistakes. And that's why I say put yourself on probation for nine months to a year. Right? Because you'd be surprised how many people will get their ex back and then go back to their old ways, three or four months later, whatever. And then wind up in another breakup.
Margaret (10:35):
One of the things that often works is to be able to go back to somebody and say, I've gotten into therapy. That's like gold. If somebody's been begging you to change something and you haven't done it.
Craig (10:47):
Now, the thing is you don't want to look like you're trying to say it for approval. You want it to come out naturally, not "here is this new thing that I'm trying to display. Now you happy? " No, you don't want to do that. No. You mean it. You want to secretly do it, get into it. And then when they've reached out, it naturally comes up and then they're like, Oh wow. They really are making changes. Get into AA. If you've had an alcoholic issue.
Margaret (11:19):
Or whatever "A" you need.
Craig (11:22):
But telling them and trying to act like you're trying to present some grand thing to them, don't do it like that. It's better to do it for yourself. And they'll think you're being more honest about it if you are doing it for yourself. Right.
Margaret (11:39):
Yeah. It's a great way to gain credibility. And the other thing is it also gives you a sense of process and that feelings take time. Right? Once you get into therapy, that becomes very obvious to you.
Craig (11:54):
I understand that it's confusing. And you think about reaching out every day, right? I've been there. Yeah. I've been there and I understand it. So I know exactly how hard that is, but, and confusing. But your ex, isn't going to forget about you. And if you allow them time to feel the loss, that attachment is going to affect them as well.
Margaret (12:24):
Whereas if you give them a fix, it will stop the process.
Craig (12:28):
Yeah. So hopefully this will be helpful to you.