When Does No Contact Start Working?
One of the biggest questions I get is: when does no contact start working?
A lot of times when you go no contact during a break up, you feel tremendous amounts of separation anxiety.
A break up is a symptom of a problem. A break up is because there were problems in a relationship.
Due to a tremendous amount of bad information regarding break ups, people think that no contact is the way to get your ex back. But there is a lot more to getting an ex back then no contact. It’s a very poor thought process to follow.
Just follow that train of thought for a moment and you’ll see…
That’s like saying if your car has a problem with the engine, if you leave it in your garage for a few weeks untouched the engine is going to repair itself.
The problem is still going to be there. If you go back to that problem tomorrow, the problem still exists. Things aren’t going to get better or improve.
Here’s the other thing, you’re not a mechanic. And neither are your thoughts and friends. Be very careful as they will very often give you bad advice that makes things worse. But I am. I’m going to look at the situation and see what needs a repair. This is what my passion is. Helping fix relationships that are falling apart.
You need to know what the problem is before you can fix it. That’s why I’m here guys. Let me assess the problem and help you fix it.
Every break up is different. Using no contact to fix every break up would be like trying to use one part on every different car.
Parts from a 2017 Lexus are not going to work on a 1978 Pinto.
Each situation requires different repairs. Some of you don’t know that I am beyond qualified to help. I have been a Therapist since 2002 and before that I did behavior analysis for almost 4 years. On top of that, I have made it my mission to help better their relationships.
I have an email here from Hans who writes:
Hey Craig, I feel really stuck right now. My girlfriend and I split up about 2 months ago. We were dating on and off for about 2 years. I came across your amazing channel and I have learned more about relationships in the past few months than I ever had. I am doing no contact with my ex but she hasn’t reached out.
My anxiety is almost paralyzing my life. I feel like I can’t do anything anymore. I try talking with friends about my situation but I just feel like they can’t even hear me anymore. They must be absolutely sick of me by now.
The worst part is that when I do talk with family they keep telling me to reach out to her. But she said she needed space.
Craig: If she told you she needs space then I would wait to hear from her. The only reason you are trying to reach out is because you are trying to sooth your own anxiety.
This is not healthy. You are essentially using them as an object (to get what you need met) and are completely ignoring their needs.
Your internal state (of anxiety) does not give you the right to impose on other people. This is not just with anxiety. This can be with many areas of your life.
If you’re angry at your boss, it doesn’t give you the right to come home and mistreat the people in your family. Like yell at your kids.
You have to act like an adult and part of that means not stepping on someone else’s boundaries.
A big problem in relationships is that when we feel anxious in relationships we completely lose awareness of what the other person is feeling.
We don’t care about what they want. We only care about what WE want. This is incredibly selfish and is going to make your partner feel smothered and trapped.
Email continued: I literally feeling like I’m dying inside and I feel like she doesn’t even care.
Craig: Right now that might be true. Right NOW at this moment she may not care. But just like your feelings change and are affected by a lot of things, so are theirs.
Think about Thanksgiving. Before you eat the huge dinner, you’re starving. So if I ask you if you’re hungry, of course you’ll say yes. Now, if I ask you if you’re hungry 20 minutes after you eat. You’ll look at me like I’m crazy.
But, if you don’t eat for a week, you’ll be starving again. Over time, feelings change. How you feel today, can be completely different a month from now.
I know why you are scared. You are basically afraid they will never return. There is no guarantee that they will. BUT, most people will revisit the idea of getting back with an ex. It all depends on their relationship with you and attachment with you. But it’s also going to depend on your behavior and how attractive it is.
So yes, most people will revisit the idea of getting back with someone at one point.
Email continued: I am looking forward to our Skype coaching next week. In the meantime I just want to know, when does no contact start working?
Well you may not like this answer because its not concrete. It’s fluid to each situation. It depends on their attachment to you, what the reasons were for the break up, there a lot of factors.
I would say No contact starts to work when the person feels more space away from you than what they want.
If they want this much distance (you have to see this visually on the video), but you give them this much, they will start to get anxious about you.
So it’s not about when you get separation anxiety (because you’re likely getting it way before them) It’s about when THEY get separation anxiety.
That’s when they will likely reach out and do the indirect/direct approach.
But if you haven’t correctly assessed what the problems of the relationship were, and worked on fixing them. You’re going to lose them again. And next time may be your last. We often time have a very slim margin for error when trying to get an ex back (I mean come on, they’re already fed up or upset enough to end the relationship)
So, if you want professional help in getting an ex back, I’m here to help. I’m going to look at your situation and help you not only get prepared, but over prepared.