What is a Love Language?
So in the video Grow Together or Grow Apart I talked a little bit about love languages.
After that video I had several people ask me to do a video explaining love languages a bit.
So the reason I’m doing this video is I’m always looking for different ways to giving you guys insight into having healthy relationships. I know a lot of you guys come to me about wanting to get back an ex, just remember, even if you get them back if you don’t make long lasting changes you’re going to lose them again.
Most of us have very few tools in fixing relationships. If the only tool you have is a hammer, everything looks like a screw.
Of course I’m kidding. Everything looks like a nail.
Learning about love languages is another tool in your tool box.
I got an email here from Benny who says Hey Craig, the other day you mentioned love languages. I’m still kind of confused as to what it is. It sounded pretty interesting to me can you talk a little more about them? It kind of got my mind thinking because when I give my girlfriend gifts she doesn’t seem to appreciate them. The girl I dated before her loved it when I got her gifts. Does this have to do with their love language.
Well without knowing too much information other than that I would say probably.
A love language is a term from a book called the 5 Love languages.
The term love language can be a little confusing.
Basically it means, it’s a certain way that you experience love. Here are the 5: Gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and physical touch.
So lets say for me quality time is important. That is my love language. That’s how I feel loved. When someone spends quality time doing something fun with me, that makes me feel loved.
Now the interesting thing, is that people tend to give out the gift that they want to receive. Remember when you were a kid and you got a birthday gift for your friend. You would pick out the thing that you would hope to get right?
So, the thing that you give your partner, is probably the thing you wish you would get from her.
But the thing that they get is often not what they wanted. For example, let’s say you and your partner were little kids. You might give her a Transformer but she wanted My Little Pony.
Or she might give you a Barbie, when you wanted G I Joe. See how you wouldn’t be happy with the gift.
Over time, you would just feel more and more disappointed by what they’re giving you.
So I found a chart of the 5 Love Languages with a list of things of how to communicate, actions to take and things to avoid.
Physical Touch- Use body language and touch to express love.
Actions to take- Hug, hold hands, show physical affection, regularly, massages, make physical intimacy a thoughtful priority.
Things to avoid- physical neglect, long stems without intimacy, receiving affection coldly.
Giving Gifts- Thoughtfulness, make your spouse a priority, speak purposefuly.
Actions to take- Give thoughtful gifts and gestures. Small things matter in a big way. Express gratitude when receiving a gift.
Things to avoid- forgetting special occasions. Unenthusiastically giving gifts
Quality Time- Uninterrupted and focused conversations. One on one time is critical
Actions to take- Create special moments together. Do small things together. Weekend getaways
Things to avoid- Distractions when spending time together. Long stints without one on one time.
Acts of service- use words like I’ll help. They want to know you’re partnered with them.
Actions to take- Do chores together. Go out of their way to alleviate the daily workload. Do small things like take out the trash, mow the lawn.
Things to avoid- Make the requests of others a priority. Lack of following through on tasks.
Words of Affirmation- Encourage, affirm, appreciate, empathize, listen attentively.
Actions to take- Send an unexpected, note, text or card. Encourage them genuinely and often.
Things to avoid- Nonconstructive criticism, not recognizing or appreciating effort.