Craig (00:00):
Today. We're going to be talking about, should I reach out to my ex for Christmas? Okay. So, many of you guys are really struggling right now on the fence about what to do. The holidays are really important. And I know many of you are feeling like "this is going to be the worst holiday I've ever had in my life". And it does feel like that because I know I've been through a breakup around the holidays and it's awful, but we're going to talk about this today because we have some opinions about this. Do you think someone should break no contact and reach out to their ex for Christmas?
New Speaker (01:22):
No.
Craig (01:25):
No. If somebody has chosen to end the relationship with you, we all believe that it's their job to reach out to you and try and repair things. Right? Margaret.
Margaret (01:36):
Exactly. Yeah. The ball is in their court, as we say.
Craig (01:39):
Yeah. Because you know, if you think about it, the holidays is actually an even more powerful time for not reaching out to somebody. Right. Because it's like, they're going to be impacted even more on those days when they don't hear from you as well, because it's a special day. Right.
Margaret (02:04):
And, and you want to be with your loved ones and if you watch TV for even five minutes, you'll see one happy couple and one happy family right after the other. And if you're not in that situation, it's just terrible and you can even feel guilty for not doing it, but remember they broke up with you.
Craig (02:24):
Yeah. And for a lot of you guys, it's going to be a shock for your ex to not hear from you. Right. You don't realize it, but they're on the other side of this as well. And you know, despite how they're behaving and showing, and a lot of times acting like they don't care if you're alive or dead, it doesn't mean that's how they're feeling inside. And so it's going to hit them hard when you don't reach out to them and you really want to give them the gift of missing you. Right. So yes, they are going to be thinking about you.
Margaret (03:02):
They are, even if you don't believe it. And so many people's like, I know they're not thinking about me they said it was over and it's over. Probably not. And no one breaks up that they don't think about it afterwards and say, gee whiz, did I make the right decision? If they were with you last year? Of course, they're going to be thinking back on that this year. Right. and wondering if they did the right thing and probably missing you no matter what they said, when you broke up, okay,
Craig (03:30):
They're going to also compare their life to how they were doing last year and where you guys were. Exactly. And now how it's going. Right. And so they need time to see what life is like without you. And when you just keep pushing forward and reaching out to them, I don't think it gives them the opportunity to, to really feel that.
Margaret (03:52):
No, it doesn't. And you want them sounds kind of mean, I know, but you want them to sit with the consequences of their decision, which is not to have you in their life anymore. And you're honoring what they asked you for, which was obviously space, right?
Victoria (04:09):
And it's going to feel weird because especially if you're used to spending that time with them or their family every year, it's going to be a big difference to be alone for the first time, right. During the first holidays. Always that first year is always going to be the most difficult because of all these very special sentimental moments that come up.
Margaret (04:28):
And if you contact them, it's going to help their anxiety and don't think for a minute, they don't have it. Separation, anxiety works both ways, but you don't want to rescue them. You want them to sit with that anxiety and that upset and their sadness and rethink their decision.
Craig (04:46):
And the other thing that's going to be a struggle for them is they're going to have a lot of nosey relatives .
Margaret (04:52):
Nosy relatives are always at family dinners, right? And there's always so and so, and uncle, blah, blah, blah, who will say to you. "So Where's Linda. She was here last year. We thought you guys were going to be married and we'd have children around by now." now if you're hurting, that is the last thing you need to hear. And it's very difficult to be polite, but refuse to answer the question, which is the goal, "she couldn't come or things didn't work out with us the way we might've hoped" or whatever you say, but don't get into a long discussion, just provide the information.
Craig (05:32):
But your ex is going to be bombarded with questions from their relatives, asking where you are.
Margaret (05:39):
And everybody wants to know when you're getting married and why you haven't so far, there's no family member that doesn't want to know. Right.
Victoria (05:46):
And they want to know what happened. So having to rehash that story to every family member, no, it's overwhelming. It didn't work out. Yeah.
Craig (05:58):
Your ex is going to have to rehash the story of your breakup.
Margaret (06:02):
It's a good point. Cause they're going to get all the same questions from uncle so-and-so.
Craig (06:06):
It's going to kind of in a way, force them to think about you, even if they weren't, even if they were trying not to. Right now, some of you guys will hear from your ex on the holidays. Sometimes if your ex's been thinking about things for a while and they've been on the fence, they will use the holidays as an excuse and you'll get a happy holidays message, Merry Christmas message, something like that. Sometimes you do hear that, but you know, for them, you have to realize it's, it's actually scary for them to do that because they're putting themselves at risk. We don't feel like they are because we've made our feelings so clear to them during the breakup. But actually after some time has passed, they start to wonder and they start to feel like "if I reach out to you, are you going to reject me?"
Margaret (06:54):
Which you have every right and reason to do. Right.
Craig (06:57):
But if they do reach out and they wish you like a Merry Christmas or something like that, it's really important that you don't come on too strong. Right? Because it might be something where they are just caring about you as a person and they really, you know, they miss you. They don't necessarily see you getting back together, but you know, they miss you
Margaret (07:20):
And they were your friend, as well as your lover,
Victoria (07:23):
Especially if they were connected with your family and culturally, they might think it's rude to not share the season's greetings with your ex and their family. That is a big point. Yes.
Craig (07:35):
So the key is, is that if they reach out to you not to come on too strong, don't reply right away. I would suggest waiting till later on in the day have a good time with your family, even though that's difficult, but the phone aside and let them sit with wondering how you're feeling or if you're going to reply. And the other thing is that many of you are not necessarily in a situation where you're completely in no contact. Maybe you and your ex are talking here or there, maybe there's, you're still seeing each other sometimes. And it's, you know, kind of, one of those things are on the fence. Reaching out is a risk, right? We're not suggesting that you do that. We understand some of you are going to do, regardless of what we suggest, which is fine, but you got to consider if you reach out, they might not reply. Right. Okay.
Margaret (08:26):
So you have to be prepared for that. That's right.
Craig (08:28):
They may not reply with something that you're expecting or they may reply and it may just not go anywhere. Like they might just might be polite and say, Merry Christmas to you and then afterwards, you're like, why did I send that? Right. And then you're, then you're kind of feeling like frustrated.
Margaret (08:47):
Don't just do it impulsively is what we're saying. Cause you can't get hurt if you're not ready.
Craig (08:52):
Yeah. But we understand how difficult it is during this time of year and how, you know, it feels even worse on those days.
Margaret (09:02):
Oh, Christmas is brutal. Again, like I say, I learned this from kids in foster care who weren't with their families. And they would say, if I see one more blank'n happy family there, I'm going to cry or throw something at the TV. Okay. So they let you know just how painful and hard it was for them to be separated from their families and their loved ones. Yep.
Craig (09:26):
So your, your ex is going to go through a lot too, regardless of what they show you, because oftentimes your ex has their walls up, particularly if you've been pushy and haven't respected their decision and pushed your own agenda. Right. So you can expect that. It's not like they're going to be eager to reach out to you when all these, you know, dramatic moments have happened and fighting and arguing and all these kinds of things. But we wanted to talk about this today. Cause I know that many of you are going to interpret it as they don't care about me. They're not thinking about me and we're never going to get back together if it doesn't happen at Christmas, that's simply not true.
Margaret (10:11):
It's not true. Yeah. Right, right. Yep. It's simply not true. It's not, it's never all or nothing. Yeah. You know? Yeah.
Craig (10:20):
Many people that don't get back together at the holidays or hear from their ex at the holidays and get back together with their ex in the future.
Margaret (10:29):
And then you find out later, Oh, I was thinking about you all Christmas. I was thinking about you on new year's. Do you remember that lovely new year's we had last year? Then you'll start to hear these messages. Yep.
Craig (10:40):
Right. Absolutely. But in the moment we know how difficult it is. So we just wanted to help prepare you. We have several other Christmas videos out there.
Margaret (10:48):
And I've heard a couple of people ask me just in the last two weeks, should I reach out at Christmas? Who broke up with whom? Remind me, Oh yeah. They broke up with me. You know? What if I don't hear, she will think, I don't care about them anymore. Well, you know, they took that risk when they broke up with, you know.
Craig (11:10):
Okay. So hopefully you found this video helpful.