Today we're going to be talking about why they're scared to let you in. So a lot of times we find that we're dating somebody and it's going really well. But for some reason they don't want it to go forward. They seem timid. They get hot and cold and you can't figure out why, like "what is going on with this person?"
Margaret (01:04):
Or the mysterious. "He Started to pull away or she started to pull away and I had no idea what was going on."
Craig (01:11):
Yeah. So today we're going to look deep into what happens with people and why they do that. Because the answer isn't always as simple as you think it would be.
Margaret (01:27):
The magic ingredient here is being vulnerable vulnerability, and there's a lot of talk about it these days. The accepted expert on vulnerability is named Brene just the way it sounds. And she recently she's written several books, but she recently did a Ted talk. Uand which you can get on YouTube. You can get any Ted talk on YouTube,uand it's kind of the in thing. All right. So I'm going to talk about it and the Firestones here. Udid a very good job presenting it, I think. Okay. Okay. Uyou have to have vulnerability to have love. Alright. "Everything About love, induces us to be vulnerable. Suddenly we find ourselves being softer and more open. We are surprised by our feelings of tenderness and compassion for others. We are unexplainably optimistic about life. Part of what feels so good about love is that it feels so good to feel trusting and safe enough to let our guard down". And that's where the difficulty comes. ""If You put down your defenses and your walls, then you're vulnerable to being loved, but you're also risking being hurt.
Craig (02:51):
That's big. It is big.
Margaret (02:53):
It really is big being vulnerable is not at all easy. Okay. and the only analogy that ever worked for me was it's like a snake sheds its skin so that it can grow right into a bigger, better snake. But during that period, it has no defenses. So it's almost like you leave yourself kind of defenseless or like a crab. Oh yeah, sure. Yeah. Yeah. okay. This frightens us. What happens when this frightens us? Sometimes we pull away. Sometimes we isolate the person who works all the time and then goes on solitary hikes. Sometimes we get controlling of our partner because that distracts us from being vulnerable. And sometimes we start to withhold sex and affection.
Craig (03:46):
And I think sometimes we act out as well. Of course we do. We start fights.
Margaret (03:51):
Yup. We started for absolutely. "I'm Getting too close to you. I'm trusting you too much. This is scary. My defense is all over the place and I think you're stupid."
Craig (03:59):
Yeah. And so they look for stupid things to start a fight about, and God knows we can all find those.
Margaret (04:06):
Okay. but we have to be vulnerable if we want to love and they make three very clear suggestions on what to do. Number one is be generous. Now, what does that mean? You can be generous with your money. You can buy people gifts and that's certainly one way to do it, but there are emotional ways to be generous as well. Generous people actively look for opportunities to respond to a need of friends and loved ones. Generosity is expressed by the willingness to drop anything, to do a favor. Orlando had, it can be as simple as listening when someone needs to talk. And I think that's the biggest one, particularly your partner. Okay.
Margaret (04:54):
It's true. Because a lot of times you're so distracted by being on the phone or the TV or the video games or the computer. You're not even listening. Right. You're not even being present. I'm going to get my phone out.
Craig (05:09):
But the fact that it's an equal exchange between partners is also extremely important. If you're generous with your time and your attention, and you're listening, you expect the other party to be able to take it. And that's again, part of being vulnerable. It has to be an even exchange. Okay. And there are some people who say, "well, this is an important, if they start to feel like, you know, I really need to talk and they start their wealth. This is an important, right. I shouldn't have these needs. I'm a big tough. "
Craig (05:38):
But that's how you connect.
Craig (05:42):
Generosity is a wonderful thing. And there are some people who are sort of stingy about everything like mr. Crab on SpongeBob, he's stingy about everything, especially money. Alright. Asking for what you want is huge because people say all the time. Well he didn't, he didn't, he didn't do it. She didn't, she didn't, she didn't. Did you tell them what you wanted or needed? "Well, No," I heard just today. "I Hinted." No, hints don't do it. You have to be upfront with what you want and what you need asking for what you want is difficult for many people, because feelings of shame, often accompany wanting or needing something from another person. Shame is a painful primitive emotion that originates in early childhood from incidents when basic needs were not fulfilled. These incidents leave children feeling deeply ashamed of their desire for affection or wanting to be touched or being, or be seen or be understood.
Margaret (06:52):
And if you're a little one and you look for that from parents and they don't give it to you, the message to you is "you shouldn't have needs." And I've mentioned before I had a client who his mother actually told her that she had too many needs. Okay. And if that's the case, then it's going to be very hard to tell your partner that you really do have needs. And you have to remind yourself, you're not a little kid anymore. You know, you're a big grown up and you may risk being vulnerable, but you're not going to let it go too far. You know? And sometimes people who had those kinds of experiences in childhood become almost desperate to cover up any signs of wanting as adults. And they continue to expect humiliation and shaming. If they ask for what they want, okay. I need 12 hugs a day.
Margaret (07:40):
What are you going to do about it? Okay. If you need 12 hugs a day, tell your partner. Cause otherwise they won't know that they may think it's only six. Yeah. If you're lucky "without awareness of your basic wants and needs, you have no way of knowing what is important or meaningful to you". Okay. Think about it. What do you want? I talked to somebody just recently who said, "I have no idea". You know, they had no idea what they wanted, no idea what he wanted. He was kind of hoping that the right career would come along, but he wasn't quite sure what that would be. And he said, it's kind of embarrassing, but I really don't know. All right. So of course I suggested he spent som"e time thinking about that, you know, and how well his needs were met when he was a kid.
Margaret (08:29):
I think he thought I arrived from another planet, but he was very polite. Okay. So you have no way of guiding your life if you don't know what your wants and needs are. And more often than parents even think about it for me in it, we're told not to have them, but I mean, if you have six kids and chaos in your house and her husband, who's ill think about all the crazy things that can in a family. And you wouldn't mean to do that to a child, but you easily could. You know? And the other one that's done to little boys all of the time, you need to act like a man. When the kid is saying, I need a hug, I need something. My, this hurts my that hurts my stomach. Stomach doesn't feel good. Act like a man. What kind of a message is that
Craig (09:18):
To the exact opposite, when you hug your kids and you make them feel safe and secure, then they're a lot more likely to "act like a man" when they become an adult. Exactly. Right. So the exact opposite. Yep.
Margaret (09:32):
You don't kids don't need to learn to be tough when they're little. Yeah. yeah. All right. The third one is you can express and accept affection. When you offer and accept affection in your intimate relationship, you encourage your vulnerability and discourage any other crazy behaviors you might want to do, like becoming controlling or becoming, isolating, becoming isolated. But you need to be able to sit with the closeness. And we've talked about how very difficult that is, particularly for avoided people, huge
Craig (10:08):
Sitting with the closeness. It be okay,
Margaret (10:10):
The closeness with it's what we all want, but they say that, you know, it's the thing that scares us the most. It's not easy being vulnerable. Right. And if you really, really love somebody and you're willing to be vulnerable, you're willing to let them see you warts and all. Okay. And it's scary. You got to know my good parts in my bed.
Craig (10:35):
Yeah. It's so scary because of the way, you know, social media has impacted us. You know, you see the next person and you think they're going to be amazing and shiny and new and exciting. And then, you know, the next one comes along and then you, so it's like, you don't really see as many people pushing through the difficult times and trying to make it work with the person that they're with. Right. But you're just going to wind up feeling empty inside. If you live your life, like that,
Margaret (11:03):
Being vulnerable is not easy, but it's absolutely necessary. And you don't want to risk it too quickly either we have defenses because we need them. But if you really love somebody and you want to be with them long term, you have to risk it. Okay. Again, I don't say do it lightly. Don't drop your guard lightly. Yep. Okay. remaining open and non-defensive in our intimate relationships can scare us and make us feel anxious and self protective. It's a challenge, but we can rise to it by confronting our defensive behaviors and the critical inner voice that supports it, no matter how difficult it may be to become and remain vulnerable, the goal is ultimately worth the effort. Only when we break through our defenses remain vulnerable.
Margaret (11:54):
Can we restore, loving, true pleasure and rewarding interactions with our partner. Okay. But it's not easy. Yeah. And how many times do I hear people say, well, I should be tougher. I should be able to handle this without being upset. No, you shouldn't. And don't shut off your feelings because although they can hurt you, sometimes they also are what gives color and spice and all that good stuff to life. And I think there's a big movement out there with men to shut off their feelings, to stay away from women, you know, to not try and bond or connect with them. And you know, all women are just using us. Women are just only want us because we're successful or have money, or they overlooked the fact that there may be picking women because of how attractive they are and not looking at the full picture of how they are.
Craig (12:48):
But I think that the bottom line is that these guys have been so incredibly hurt, probably starting with their mother. Just going to say this, my favorite question of how's your mother. Yeah, sure. We all want the closeness, but it's not easy. We are wired to connect. Yes. We are wired to connect. And sometimes I think we push love away out of fear and we're only half conscious of it. But if you find the right person, I hope you'll be able to do it. The more you work at it, the more you work through your own issues, whatever your particular issues are, the more likely you'll either repair things with your ex or you'll get to a healthier place the next time around and you'll choose better partners and you'll be the partner that they need. But can you imagine somebody actually shamed you? What do you need from me? What will work for you? What will make you feel loved? It's always possible to act, ask directly. Yeah. And imagine how good you would feel if somebody said it to you think about what would that feel like? What do you need from me? How could I make you feel safe and loved?
Margaret (13:52):
They probably call the police and have you evaluated, right.
Craig (13:58):
Great stuff.