Today we're going to be talking about, she was unsure of her feelings. Okay. You know, Margaret, one of the things that I hear on a lot about in breakups is that somebody gets to a place where they're unsure about their feelings for you. They get to a place where sometimes they want to be with you. Sometimes they don't. And that's one of the things that's so confusing for us is people can want both at the same time. I want to be with you and I want space. Yeah. And why can't you fix that? And I want to be with you, but I don't want to be with you because there are times where you can be thinking and feeling the same thing I want to be with you, but I, I don't want to be with you.
Craig (01:31):
And, and then when you get all upset and you get dramatic and you start an argument, then they're like, Oh, I can't do it. And then they just kind of back away. Can't do this anymore. Yeah. They still lying. And then they back away. Yeah. So it's, it's normal for people to be conflicted about their feelings for you. Even people that have broken up with you, part of them is feeling like "I don't want to lose this person. I don't want to break up with this person". But the greater part of them says, "I want to, I need to. And that's why they do it," but they're conflicted. It's not like it's not simple.
Margaret (02:13):
Yeah. And people don't know what to do with feelings. And it's a good thing that eventually people have to make decisions because I think of a conversation I had recently, well, I don't know what my feelings will be in three months. Well, none of us know exactly how we're going to feel in three months because any number of things can happen, but eventually you have to make a decision. And I have seen people be totally immobilized for unreasonable periods of time, not knowing how they feel. And that's a very bad position to be in because you don't have any control over your life. How you feel that minute is controlling is controlling how you act that day. Yeah. But you've got to have a more
Margaret (03:00):
Framework of I'm unsure now. And it seems to me, the most prudent thing to do is to break up with you. And fortunately, if I break up with you, you're going to say, if you change, if you change your mind, call me back. That's a great, that's a great thing to say. But you can only let that go on for so long. And I hear people say, well, we'd been together for two or three years and he, or she couldn't make up their mind. And I will say, no grownups make decisions. It can't go on for huge lengths of time. You can give anybody a few months or to take some time to figure out how they feel and what they want. But love is not necessarily just a feeling. It's also a choice.
Craig (03:45):
I think one of the hard things for us is that when somebody tells us that they're unsure about how they feel about us, it automatically sets off our anxiety
Margaret (03:57):
And it feels like a rejection, no matter how you think about it.
Craig (04:00):
And, and then we just feel like, Oh my God, we were dying inside. And we want to do everything to stop this from happening. And we overreact. And then all of a sudden it just spirals out of control. Right? So I got an email coaching that I did that I wanted to share with you guys. This is from a couple that is in their early twenties and they dated just for under a year. Now they originally dated back when they were teenagers. She's they said many people, including their brother urged her to break up with me. She later got into a five year relationship with a controlling guy and her mother threw her out because she was against the relationship. But they got along after the breakup. So this girl seems to have a mother that is very controlling herself. Can't imagine why she was drawn to a guy that was controlling for five years.
Margaret (05:01):
Drawn to the familiar. Do you think?
Craig (05:03):
He says, In January, we got back together. We kissed at the first and hooked up on the second date, but I had to hide all the time because her mother, I never met, lives in the apartment above hers. So this is just a recipe for disaster.
Margaret (05:26):
Well, and sometimes the inability to make a decision is based on being controlled by some outside force. Like your mother.
Craig (05:35):
Yeah. Laura told her about us and she wasn't happy as it would split the family. Now, can you imagine a woman in her mid twenties tells her mother that she's dating somebody and somehow that splits the family.
Margaret (05:52):
Like she can't ever date anybody. Cause we have to keep the family together. I mean, come on this poor. Yeah.
Craig (05:58):
He said, but nevertheless, we enjoyed the relationship even though her mom manipulated things multiple times since we got together, Laura said multiple times, she was unsure of her feelings. But every time we continued, because she said we fit perfectly. After the third time in June, she told her best friends about us, but she didn't want it to be public. So none of her coworkers knew. She thought it would be bad for her career. So I don't know what her career is, but you know, obviously this girl's interest level, isn't super high. She's telling a couple of friends, but kind of keeping it on the down-low. Doesn't want to tell coworkers. She's been told by her mother that it's a terrible thing to have a relationship. So she's not sure about things. And I suspect he probably was coming on kind of strong and maybe even putting pressure on her.
Craig (07:07):
Like you should tell your mom about us or things like that. Sure. Uthey're in their early twenties. She's closer to her early twenties. He's in the mid twenties, but Laura warned me that maybe she will never really love me. It's quite a warning right there. And how does she know that apparently love can grow. It's not instant. Something inside of her told her to warn this guy. It was something outside of her. It was her mother. Yeah. Her father gave her the tip to go on vacation with me to get clear about us. So we did, it was great. A month later she wanted to talk. She said she loved me, but as a friend and she was afraid to lose her mom. So now this girl is feeling like she has to choose between her boyfriend and her family.
Craig (08:06):
But she has to separate from her family to have a life and they're not going to make it easy for her. Oh dear. Which is why I wanted to do this email because I knew you would see what was going on with mom here. And also she felt she'd neglected her sports, her education and her career that she wanted to do on the side. Can't you hear mother now "and you're not doing any of the things you're supposed to do". Yeah. She let me choose. If we break up or take a break. So we took a month break. Of course he was going to take the break. Of course still being together to assess our feelings. We got back together for a month after I assured her she'll get the time she needed to do other things. Talk to her mom, which she never did.
Craig (08:58):
She even said, she's now sure about us, but also felt so avoidant. I was upset and told her that she has to show that she's serious with us. Then she bought us festival tickets for us and fantasize about it. She even introduced me to her father. So it sounds like things were getting a little better between them. And she was kind of fantasizing that maybe this could go someplace, but we only met like five short times. She even drove to her best friends for two weekends. When I got upset again, she suddenly broke up with me the next day. You could see it coming. Yeah, because he started to try and get anxious and controlling, saying her feelings are simply not enough to talk to her mother or for a relationship,
Margaret (09:56):
Two entirely different things.
Craig (09:59):
Well, I think her attraction level dropped when he started to get upset that she wasn't giving him enough time. And so she's like, you know what? I'm not that crazy about him right now. It's not worth telling my mom and all the hassle that it might lead to a big fight. And my mom might disown me and all the things
Margaret (10:20):
But I can see why he was getting impatient. He wanted to say, make a decision.
Craig (10:23):
Yeah. I said, I couldn't believe it. As I still felt so much love coming from her the last few months. But I said, I respect her decision and wanted to work things out. She said, I should not wait for her to come back. We met up a week later to talk again for several hours, but she just repeated what she said before. Some days after I brought her stuff, she seemed happy to see me, but I made many mistakes afterwards and wrote not one but three handwritten letters and made a public, but respectful rap song about us. Oh, he's cute. Well, cute is not going to help the situation, Margaret. He thought, well, if one handwritten letter is good,
Margaret (11:20):
How about three, three? And the rap song? That's the grand gesture. The rap song. Yeah.
Craig (11:30):
She was rightfully upset about it. So I took it offline again. She said she missed me and doubted her decision. But the song changed how she viewed me. That grand gesture. It always sounds like a good idea until you do it. Oh man. They make the situation so much worse. I then wrote the second letter and a short WhatsApp text that she should remove and block me everywhere, if she wouldn't miss me or found someone new. After some texting back and forth, she said she didn't find someone else, but she will delete me everywhere to close this chapter. So we kind of gave her an ultimatum to the block him. And so she took it. Yup. Block me. So I can't keep doing this and I should do so too and not wait for her. She then blocked me on WhatsApp. I wrote the third letter and sent her a text on Facebook stating I hope she saw the letter and that I hope she can think about us positively sometime again, a day later she unblocked me on WhatsApp.
Craig (12:54):
Do you think I can turn this around? Okay. Well there's a lot going on in this situation. Yes. This woman has not individuated from her mother and she still allowing her mother to control her life. And until she makes a decision that she's going to confront her mom and say, mom, I love you. But I got to date this guy, I care about him. I love him. You're going to take a back seat to whatever mom says or does. That's exactly right. Cause mom does not want to let her go. And the first step before you can, even individuate wait, is you have to physically separate to some extent she's still living upstairs from mom. So she doesn't have a chance. She's gonna have to fight if she wants to have a life. And I think in her mind, she's thinking, well, my feelings aren't so strong for him right now. I'm turned off by his behavior. I'm not that attracted to him. So it's not worth me. Confronting mom. She's kind of evaluating, right? Yes, it is. Anytime you can do it, honey, but she doesn't know that yet. Yeah. And what's the father doing? It's a little confusing. It seemed like dad was trying to give them some tips on how to work it out. Like dad was giving them a little bit of encouragement. Maybe that's where the split was in the family.
Margaret (14:20):
That's certainly what it sounds like. And you know, she has to refuse interpreting it as either I'm going to have my mother or I'm going to have my boyfriend. No, she needs to have her boyfriend. That's her developmental task for her time of life. Okay. She's in her twenties. That's what she's supposed to be doing. So she has a right to go on with her life and how mother handles it is up to mother.
Craig (14:46):
Yep. But she needs to refuse the bind of it's one or the other. So I think in this situation first of all, part of it is what's going on on her end that she has to be willing to confront mom and realize that mom's not really gonna abandon her walk away, but she doesn't, she hasn't figured that out. Although she may threaten, yeah. People get real scared when mom threatens. And part of the issue is on his end that he needs to behave in a more attractive way where he doesn't come across as so demanding for her time and gives her more freedom. Cause I would guess she probably has an avoidant attachment style with that being her mother. Right? So turning it around is going to be partially on you to improve your behaviors. When you do get in front of her, that you are more relaxed and not putting as much pressure on her to do what you want her to do. And to allow her more freedom that she feels like she wants. And for her to say, you know what? I think it's worth it to confront mom and to actually have the strength to do it.
Craig (15:58):
But until she does take on mom, they will, she will have no life. Mom will run the show. Mom will run the show. And so he has a decision to make to yeah, because he marries not only her. Yeah. That's true. So you gotta let her decide for herself if she wants to confront mom and just say, you know, it's totally up to you. If you want to talk to mom about what you're doing or if we're dating or not dating you just let me know if you want to see me and if you do, we'll go out and have a great time and then focus on having a great time with her when you can, and then letting her decide for herself what she wants to do about our family situation. You know, if you want to take on mom, I'll be there for you through that process.
Margaret (16:49):
Yeah. He probably say that out loud that he understands what a difficult thing that is just for her. Yeah. Tough situation though. Very tough situation for everybody involved.