Today we're going to be talking about the power of time and no contact. Yep. A good big topic, a big topic that all of you guys are constantly wondering about and thinking about. And so we're going to go through this thoroughly today, cause we understand how difficult it is to be in no contact. I've done it. I've done it for long periods of time and I know how scary it is and I know how much anxiety you're going through and how overwhelming it can feel. Right? So we are going to be talking about how powerful no contact really is, but the importance of time with no contact. Okay. No contact is not going to be powerful for three days. Okay. Or two weeks. Yeah. Sometimes it takes quite a bit of time to get your, your ex to a place where they're really missing you and regretting the situation.
Craig (01:51):
And we know that it's very scary where you feel like, well, it's hopeless. Maybe they're not coming back. It's been a couple of months. I still haven't heard from them. But attachment is very, very powerful. Yes. So I want to go through a bit about the breakup and all the things you guys are going through thoroughly. So we kind of get you on the same page as us. Okay. So somebody breaks up with you. And a lot of times we are absolutely shocked. We had no idea it was coming, right. That happens all the time. And they say they don't want to be with you anymore. And what is the first thing, we're overwhelmed with shock. We can't believe it. And sometimes it happens when you're in a great relationship. Like I talked about with the Applebee's girl, I thought the connection that we had was amazing.
Craig (02:46):
We were happy and I didn't think we would ever break up. And so we have no idea that it's coming. Now sometimes some of you guys are in situations where the situation was actually rocky and there were points where you even considered breaking up with them, but you didn't, you stuck through it and you thought, you know, I want to work this out. I love this person. And you're kind of sitting here now thinking, "I didn't break up with them when we had problems and now they're leaving me" and it's really upsetting.
Margaret (03:16):
Oh yes. The whole thing is terribly upsetting. People have panic attacks. They don't eat, it's awful
Craig (03:23):
No, absolutely. And we're going to get to that in a minute. But initially what happens is we desperately want to repair the bond immediately and we don't care what we say, what we do, what we have to do. We will literally do just about anything to have another chance. And I know what that feels like. Um we, we do the begging, the pleading, the screaming and the grand gesture, the handwritten letter, all of that stuff. Right. We do it all. But you have to realize that. I think in most cases the breakup was planned by the other person. Sure. They've thought about it for awhile. Yeah. Whereas you had no idea now. Sometimes a breakup does happen after a fight. You know, you have a big fight and somebody just says, I can't do this anymore. I'm done. But I think in most cases the person had been thinking about it and you had no idea. Right. And that can be really confusing. So, you know, they tell you, they don't want to do this anymore. And you're thinking, this is like a split decision. And you're in panic mode.
Margaret (04:37):
That is the first thing like shock and like panic. Yeah.
New Speaker (04:40):
Basically your brain is hijacked. Your amygdala has been taken and has taken over everything. Right? So what happens then? You're telling them, please don't do it. You're crying. You're screaming. Please I'll do anything. Give me another chance. Give us another chance. And they just put up that wall and they get ice cold.
Margaret (05:06):
Right. And that's to help them distance.
Craig (05:10):
Yep. Cause they don't want to change their mind there.
Margaret (05:15):
And we hear people say, how could my partner get so cold? So fast? Well, they're struggling to do this.
Craig (05:21):
Yeah. And as you may have heard me say, when I was going through that, I felt like the water was representative coming out of the faucet was her love. And then she turned it off and there wasn't another drip, not another drip no. So that's what it felt like for me. So after that doesn't work, we kind of go home, go back to our place if we're not living with them. And we're trying to like pull ourselves together, trying to figure out what's going on. And we kind of come to terms like we have to leave them alone. We're like, I'm not sure what to do here. I don't want to leave them alone.
Margaret (05:56):
What we hear all the time. I don't know what to do. I want to talk to them, but I don't know what to do.
Craig (06:01):
I just want to convince them to give us another chance I did that. I did that with the Applebee's girl. I remember going to her house and sitting across from her at the table and telling her, I don't understand. I love you. I can't believe you want to end this relationship. It doesn't make any sense to me. And so, you know, I've been there and then it's awful because you can't sleep. Okay. You can't eat. Your appetite is gone. Completely gone. You get diarrhea. You're you know, getting up three, four times a night with stomach aches everything physical that people throw up cold sweats. I used to get cold sweats.
Margaret (06:42):
Yes. But you know, powerful emotion can, can absolutely affect us physically. Yeah. Yeah. And just like kids, you know, who always have a stomachache and can't go to school the next day we get the stomach ache too. Yeah. Yup.
New Speaker (06:54):
Now there's a reason that we're talking about this because I want you to see that power of what happens to us with attachment. Okay. Your ex is not exempt from attachment,
Margaret (07:07):
No matter how cold they look when they walked away and no matter how many nosy, third parties are telling you, they look really happy now. They're not right. They're attached to you too.
Craig (07:21):
Exactly. So then you first, you've got all these physical symptoms. You're sick. You can't sleep. You can't eat. Your brain is constantly going back to your ex, what do I have to do? How can I fix this? How can I get another chance? And the obsessive, relentless and intrusive thoughts don't stop. It's exhausting. It's exhausting. I talked about like the pain in my chest. I felt like there was a giant gaping hole in my chest,
Margaret (07:54):
These physical pains and your heart was removed.
Craig (07:56):
Yeah. And there's just an empty cavity where my heart used to be. So then you got all of these feelings, so you can't think about anything but them where they're at, who they're talking to, what's going on. And literally every second away from them feels like an eternity. Think about it. Had you broken up with them, they would be experiencing this as well. That's my point is that we can't turn this off. Now, right now, we're the ones that are feeling it. Right. But the point is, is that when you leave people alone, they can have these feelings too.
Margaret (08:41):
Believe it or not. I know many people find it difficult to believe. Well, they turned so cold the last time I've talked to them. I can't believe they have any feelings for me. Yes they do.
Craig (08:51):
They hide it.
Margaret (08:52):
They put up the wall to do it. To do the breakup.
Craig (08:55):
Exactly. Yes. For whatever reason. Cause every situation as to why they ended it is different. Right. But I need space. Yes. They need, they need to be left alone. And when you leave them alone, that's when they start to have some of the symptoms that you have. Now, they're not going to tell you that they're anxious or they're stressed out or they can't stop thinking about you. Usually they do like a small little thing when they finally do reach out. Right. But even though they're acting like they're completely fine, their walls are up. They're not thinking about you. They are, they are. Yes, they are. And we get dumpers that do calls with us because they broke up with somebody and then they start to have all of the symptoms that the dumpy had when they reached out to the dumpy. And the dumpy was like, you know what? No, I don't want to do this. You see? And then the shoe goes on the other foot. Yeah.
Margaret (09:55):
And sometimes people almost forget who did the breaking up and you have to remind them, but excuse me, you broke up with her.
Craig (10:02):
Exactly. Yes. It's very interesting that, that some people do forget about that. So then what do you do? You're going through all this suffering. You're miserable. You can't stop thinking about it. And then you go to friends and family for advice. I've done it. Right. I would talk to everybody and anybody that would talk to me about the breakup advice,
Margaret (10:23):
Did you get terrible advice?
Craig (10:25):
Mixed advice, move on. Just move on. You know, they were in my particular situation, at least in the Applebee's one. They were very confused. Who literally her friends and family or friends and family couldn't believe it either. And they were like, I don't, I don't know what to tell you, Craig, like we didn't, we didn't know. We had no idea. So you get conflicting advice. One friend says this, your parents say send them flowers. Somebody told me that today send her flowers. Then the other one says go to her job. So don't do that. No, no, no, no, no, no. It's bad. But you can't stop thinking about it. Then you've got conflicting advice all over the internet of what to do, send them a good reminder text. Send them the handwritten letter.
Margaret (11:18):
Oh yes. It's a good reminder. Reminds him of some good times you had together. Remember the day we went to the beach and we had just the best time.
Craig (11:25):
Yeah. But you have to realize nothing is more powerful than attachment. Nothing is more powerful than love. And we want them to get to the point where they're regretting it and telling them a good reminder text doesn't sit there and make them regret it. Okay. One stupid little good reminder doesn't make them regret their breakup. It's ridiculous. Okay. Yes, it is. It is ridiculous.
Margaret (11:56):
I agree. I agree. And then there are the people who would say, you know, think of all the bad things about them, you know?
Craig (12:04):
Yeah. I mean, if you're thinking about the bad things of, I suppose, it's trying to get you to move on, but I don't know how it's gonna, it's not going to help you. Yeah. So you're going through all these symptoms on a daily basis. And every second, every hour just feels like an eternity and it feels like absolute torture. But the reality is, is that it takes time away from you away from the situation before they regret it. There is a lot of power in that time and space away from them. Right. Margaret, can you help them understand the importance of the time?
Margaret (12:45):
I know. And of course the first question we get is, well, when do you think I might hear from him or her? Well, and what I'll say is I don't have a crystal ball. I look at the length of time you've been together and the quality of the relationship. And if it was really good, then chances are eventually you will hear from them again, why shouldn't you contact them? Because you want to give them a chance to grieve. And even the person who did the breakup, okay. Who had to work up to it, had to get cold toward you to do it. They're going to grieve if you've been together for any length of time. And if you've cared about each other, they go through a grief process too. And that's when the third party always shows up and said, I heard from so-and-so that she's talking to this guy or that guy. And she looks very happy. Please try not to obsess about that because it may or may not be true. And it just doesn't tell you anything.
Craig (13:42):
It only tells you a little bit. It only tells you that in that moment, they may have been happy, but that doesn't mean they're not stalking you on social media and wondering what you're doing, wondering what's going on with you. And they often appear very confident with their decision. They really do
Margaret (13:59):
Well. The initial response to making the decision is relief. They felt like for whatever reason, they had to do it and they did it. So initially they're relieved that they got it over with. However, the tension will build up again, as they begin to grieve you. And there are stages of grief. The first one is shock. We've already covered that one. And then there's the process where you begin to sort of assess the reality of what's happened here. Oh, this person is more out of my life than I might've wanted.
Craig (14:34):
Or that what was bothering them about the relationship was not as bad as they, it had felt for them at the time.
Margaret (14:41):
Right. And they may feel better. Feelings can change very quickly. Okay. When we have time to process, all right, but we live in an age of instant everything. And it's unfortunate that we've lost a sense of process. So people have to go through whatever it takes them to break up with you. And then they begin to realize that although they felt relieved at first, the tension is building for them and they're beginning to feel anxious. And they're beginning to miss you and common things during the day, make them think of you. And they really have urges to call you, but they don't want to do it cause they're the ones who broke up. And they go through all of this process and processes don't happen instantly or quickly, any more than breakups do. Okay. Anybody who breaks up with you has done a whole process of making this decision and they'll have to do a whole process of dealing with having made it and weeks or months is what we're talking about here. Yeah. I talked with someone recently and he wanted to know how many days. And of course I couldn't tell him that, but every now and then there are the sort of idle contacts. You know, you have a brief contact with somebody on social media or whatever, and that relieves your ex's anxiety. And that is not what you want to do. You want your ex to sit with the consequences of what they have done.
Craig (16:09):
Exactly. Like the feelings that you have, those overwhelming fears of anxiety that you're going to lose them to somebody else, all of those things. We want them to have to experience that as well, but it's not going to happen when you're writing them a handwritten letter
Margaret (16:27):
Or texting them periodically or doing any of those.
Craig (16:30):
It just doesn't work like that because then they don't really go through the same thing that you're going through. Right.
Margaret (16:37):
And people will say to me, well, why can't, why can't I just have a brief contact with them. Well you can, you're a grownup. You make your own decision. But if you want them to begin to feel what you're feeling, don't because it's a little fix, you know?
Craig (16:51):
Yeah. But they, they are going to have doubts. They're just not going to be clear about those doubts. They're going to have doubts by themselves. They're going to have doubts when they lay their head on the pillow at night or when they go out with this new, great person and they're doing things to annoy them already. They're going to think about you. Of course. Okay. And they're going to wonder where you're at and what you're doing. It's normal. And even if you don't know it, they're going to be but if you keep pushing them, they're gonna keep raising the walls and it's going to be even harder.
Margaret (17:24):
Yeah. Putting up their defenses more, as hard as it is to leave them alone. That's what you have to do.
Craig (17:30):
Exactly. So a lot of information out there is really bad. Ignore your ex, if your ex contacts you within 30 days, ignore them. No, we're not telling you to do that. We would never tell you to ignore your ex. Some people will say, well, it depends upon the reason that their ex is contacting you. No, no. If your ex is making a bid to repair this, that's exactly what we're looking for is for them to make any kind of effort to have you in their life. And you know, a lot of times they do what I have taught the indirect direct approach. I was wondering how your cat was doing today.
Craig (18:10):
I had somebody tell me that their ex contacted them and said, do you have my curling iron? And then a few hours later, she texts back, Oh, I have it over here. Of course she had, she knew that it wasn't his house. It was just an excuse to contract.
Margaret (18:27):
And what do we call that?
Craig (18:29):
The indirect direct approach.
Margaret (18:31):
People remember that very well. Yeah. Indirect, direct approach. I wasn't calling to have contact with you. Yeah.
Craig (18:36):
Yeah. but it takes time for the situation to change. It takes time for the person to go through the processing, to go through the grieving, to getting to the place where they miss you in their life. And they think, Oh my gosh, you're not coming back for me anymore. You're not chasing me anymore. You're not trying to get me back anymore? And then they start to think, Oh my gosh, I'm going to lose you. And it's, that is so powerful because that is love. That is attachment. And you can't turn that off, right?
Margaret (19:11):
Yeah. Even if you try, let me raise a question that I often hear his or her birthday is coming up in about two weeks. What do I do?
Craig (19:21):
You gotta leave them alone. Yeah. You gotta leave them alone, but it's their birthday. Yeah. I hear, I know. It's so hard. It's so hard. It's so hard. I had a guy a couple months ago that he didn't reach out for the ex's birthday. And that is when she actually got upset and thought, Oh my gosh, have you moved on for me? And she literally called him and asked him, have you moved on? Because he didn't reach out for the birthday. Right. And that's what we're trying to teach. When we say no contact, it's simply not reaching out. We want to connect. We want to reconnect, but we want it to be their idea. That's the key is they're the one reaching out.
Margaret (19:59):
You're the one breaking up and they're the ones who have to make a decision about contacting you. Yeah.
Craig (20:03):
So when you hear people telling you to ignore your ex for a certain amount of time or to ignore them when they reach out, I would not recommend that at all. And I'd question, anybody's understanding about how to repair a situation when you're ignoring somebody, who's making a bid to try and repair it with you. Right? I mean, it's just very frustrating to see that happen. And I see situations where like, people had an opportunity with their ex, but they were like, Oh, I was told to ignore them, but why they're reaching out to you? I don't understand why would you want to ignore them? So allow them to regret their decision. Dumpers, do regret their decisions. Margaret say it with me, dumpers, do regret their decision. And we know how comforting it is to hear that. And I've been there. I see it all the time.
Margaret (21:01):
And then we get the" yeah, buts," but I heard, but I heard, but I heard I know she's moved on. I know he's moved on already. No, you don't.
Craig (21:11):
Yeah. Look, not everybody's going to get a chance to get their ex back. We would never say that it's simply not the case. Every situation is unique and different in their own way. And some of you will get a chance. Some of you won't, but we want to prepare you the best way that we can. And if you have the mindset that you'll get another opportunity and you stay positive and you stay focused on that personal growth and becoming a better version of yourself, it's going to keep you in the right mindset for if they do reach out. And if they happen not to reach out, look at all the growth you've done. Look at how much more likely you're going to be improved in your future relationships and look at how much better your life is going to be. It's a win, win.
Margaret (21:57):
I heard somebody say just the other day, but it's been three weeks. You must have moved on, but it's been three months. They must have moved on. No, Nope. We can't estimate the amount of time it may take.
Craig (22:09):
No. And sometimes, you know, when you guys ask me, I will give my gut instinct. Sometimes I do too. You know, we don't know, but I will tell you, okay, in my experience, this is how long I think it'll be for your situation. But, you know, I don't act like I definitely know. I'm just saying, this is what my gut would tell me for you.
Margaret (22:33):
And that's what I would say as well. And people handled that quite well. And I've had people say to me, I'm sure you get this question all the time. Yes. And all I can do is look at the length of time you've been together and the quality of the relationship.
Craig (22:45):
Yup. Yup. Yup. And what's going on with that person? Why they broke up with you? Why they left the relationship? You know, how long has it been? Right.
Margaret (22:53):
Okay. The reasons did they give you,
Craig (22:55):
We break down and we look at all the different scenarios and all the different, you know, reasons that this didn't work. And you know, obviously we've done this for so long that we have a better understanding of what we see in situations like yours. So just understand leaving someone alone and allowing them to miss you is very powerful, but it takes time for that to happen. And so you want to really stay focused on what you're trying to achieve here and that's becoming the best version of yourself. And so that way, if they reach out, you are ready because I hate it when you guys are focused on the wrong things during no contact. And then they reach out and you just are completely shocked and you make a million mistakes. Yup. And that does happen. Yes, it does. And it's sad. And it's tough to see.
Craig (23:53):
I mean, I had a call with somebody this week that he had gotten his ex back and then he gave up on doing the work and wound up losing her. He got back with her and they broke up last, like spring. Then they were together and they broke up, I think just about a month ago. And I think I did the call with him yesterday. And so he didn't really make the changes on himself. Now he's in therapy now he's working on himself. Now he's doing the workbooks. And he's really hoping for another shot at this, which I think he probably will, based on what was going on for him. But, you know, I hate seeing a situation where somebody didn't focus on the right things in no contact. And they focused on the wrong thing where they don't watch the communication videos. You guys don't watch the videos on attachment styles or grieving or individuation.
Margaret (24:46):
Or personal growth stuff. Yeah. Yeah. There's no quick fix. Yeah.
Craig (24:54):
Right. Take a deep breath. Just realize that many of you are in situations where your ex is going to need some time and leaving them alone is a very, very powerful thing. And they won't realize what you're doing as long as you don't tell them. Right.