We Can’t Stop Arguing
One of the main reasons couples split up is because they argue all the time.
But what you may not understand is why. Now I’ve talked about this a little bit in my video The Real Reason Relationships Fail. But I’m going to expand upon it more.
So today’s video is going to talk about what causes people to argue and some things you can do to help.
This video is going to be focusing on a situation with 2 healthy functioning adults.
So if you are in a situation where someone has a drug or alcohol problem or there are abuse or mental health issues, obviously those issues would need to be addressed first.
I got an email here from Stan who says Hey Craig, my girl and I have been arguing nonstop for the last few months. She said she is exhausted by me. She says I don’t listen to her. Yesterday morning she said she needs a break to figure things out. I don’t want to break up, but I don’t know what to do anymore. Can you tell me why you think we fight so much.
She says I’m too controlling because I don’t like her going out with friends. I have some issues because I had an ex that cheated on me in the past. I don’t think it’s a big deal that I don’t want her to go out with friends without me. That’s the way my family was.
So Stan has some real trust issues. The trauma of cheating in the past is causing him anxiety. So in an effort to control his own anxiety and sooth himself, he tries to control his partner.
He believes If I don’t let her go anywhere, she won’t cheat.
Can I tell you Stan, I have known some extremely controlling men and the women found a way to cheat.
If someone wants to cheat, they’ll find a way. Your controlling behavior is only going to make her MORE likely of doing it.
The reason that couples fight is because they feel disconnected.
In Stan’s case he feels disconnected when his girlfriend goes out with friends. He is so overridden by his anxiety, that he doesn’t listen to her. She even said it.
Because staying to a close protective loved one is one of the main survival strategies of humans we become anxious when we feel disconnected.
Now the anxiety is instinctual. If we do not have emotional self control our anxiety quickly escalates. We then have an emotional melt down.
The more childhood wounds you have, the more trauma you have experienced (and not dealt with) the more anxiety you have, the quicker you are going to become upset by the disconnect.
If you were abandoned, ignored, neglected, abused, you probably don’t trust people. They have only let you down. So this will trigger those past feelings and then look out.
The anxiety will come out in forms of being dramatic, screaming, crying, protesting, trying to control our partner, saying and being irrational.
You don’t care about me. You’re selfish. Why are you doing this to me? I hate you! I can’t take this anymore! You don’t love me!
A big one from men is: You’re not going out looking like that!
This is all because they feel disconnected and they are trying to pull you close again. Ironically, it just winds up pushing you away.
All of this behavior is insecure, needy, clingy. If you were secure and confident, you would be like okay have a great time.
Because deep down you know, no man will be better for her and if she does something to screw things up, you’re gone and she misses out on your awesomeness.