Disconnection hurts
This video I’m going to talk about the importance of being connected to your partner.
I’m going to start by sharing a few points about how understanding this is critical to your relationships success and then I have 2 emails to get into.
Human beings form deep emotional bonds. These start in our infancy. It’s during this time we form an attachment style (based on how our caregivers take care of us).
Our emotional bonds to other people are a major source of safety. When we feel disconnected, it sends us into an emotional meltdown. This starts when we are just babies. If we cry and no one comes, we cry louder and louder until we are taken care of. Because without an adult, we die. It’s life or death.
This is why when we feel disconnected from our partner we get anxiety and the longer we feel that way, the more we are in pain and begin to see our partner as a threat. du
I got 2 emails that I’m going to do through one from a man and one from a woman. I am doing this so you can see both sides of the situation. Now, I want the ladies to know, my work does apply to you and works just as well. So both of these emails could be interchangeable.
The first email is from Luis: he writes Hey Coach, love your channel. You have really opened my eyes to relationships. My girlfriend broke up with me about 2 weeks ago. Yes, I am ill with diahreha. Call back to a joke I made from the video The Pain OF Break Ups.
My girlfriend would get frustrated with me all the time. We would argue because she said I didn’t listen to her. She said we never did anything fun together and it didn’t make any sense to me. She said when she was telling me what was wrong all the time, I would say she was wrong about how she was feeling. I don’t understand what I did wrong.
Well she was feeling disconnected from you. When she would reach out to you to get connected by saying “You don’t listen to me”, you did what a man’s natural instinct is to do. Use logic and reason. Logic and reason always makes things worse. Because that didn’t make her feel connected. What she wanted was reassurance in the moment.
She would get upset and then start crying. She would say things like: “You don’t love me. You’re not here for me. You don’t listen. I don’t trust you. Are you dating someone else”? If I left during an argument she would scream even more. Blow up my phone. I know you’re going to see that whore. Who is she? And on and on. I never cheated, I was always faithful.
Yes, what happened here is that once she felt anxiety, she lost emotional self-control. When we feel cut off, we go into a panic. When people have anxiety they lose the ability to regulate their emotions.
On a side note: You know how you hear about how women test men. This is really what the test is about. Backing away and measuring the man’s anxiety level. Does he freak out, chase and lose emotional self-control? Or is he confident and waits for her to come back to him. If he is confident, he can take care of himself. He wants her, he doesn’t NEED her.
The more trauma and neglect someone has had in their life, the more likely they are going to have issues managing their anxiety and soothing themselves.
The connection must be restored. Respond on an emotional level by opening up and being present with her. My suggestion to you Luis is that you keep watching my videos. I am working on a book, but it’s a lot of work and I am very busy with coaching and emails. So it’s going to take some time to get the book done. Go to my website AskCraig.net Sign up for a coaching session and I can help you figure out in detail what is going on and set a plan with you if you want to get her back.
I’m not going to get into the details about how to communicate in a way to help reconnect with your partner. This video is about helping you understand what happens when we disconnect.
it in this video but it involves mirroring what she is saying, validating what they have to say, and using empathy to put yourself in their shoes.
The next email is from Alexandra. She writes Hi Craig, thank you for all your wonderful videos. I have already learned so much from you and I just started watching about a week ago. She says: I am considering breaking up with my boyfriend and I want to know what you think. Anytime something is bothering me I feel like he doesn’t care.
What’s important guys is to hear what shes saying. She FEELS like he doesn’t care. Maybe he adores this girl. But when you don’t know how to connect with her about something that is upsetting her, she feels like you don’t care.
I tell him all the time that he puts his friends before me. He wants to go out with them like 3-4 nights a week, I usually don’t mind too much. But then when we do spend time together it’s usually watching a game.
Now, Alexandra you are saying you never spend time together, but that is how it FEELS. She is hurting, feeling physical pain because she feels disconnected from him. Too much of that will cause her to give up hope.
He isn’t making her feel special. He goes out with friends and then when they do spend time together it doesn’t feel fun and romantic. It’s boring and monotonous.
If he doesn’t do something quick she is gone. Then he will be like I spend 3 nights a week with you, what do you mean we are never together!
She says: I feel very alone and isolated. I am starting to resent his friends and him too. It hurts and I get a lot of attention from guys. I am not a cheater, I’m very faithful, but when I see how much attention guys are trying to give me, it only makes me feel worse about my own boyfriend.
I feel bad for this girl. She seems like a good girl who is trying to make it work. But he is doing things that keep hurting her. This is my suggestion to you.
Talk to your boyfriend and tell him you need him to listen. Tell him how you are feeling and how serious the problem is.
Tell him that one or two of those nights you want to spend cooking dinner together. Tell him that when you are together you need his undivided attention. Also suggest that on the other night (once a week) he takes you some place fun and made an effort.
If he does that he will see she will connect with him and feel good about the relationship. She would not be as upset as she is for him going out.